April 17 2025

SONYA: Hi Vineeto,

I’m currently reading the links you’ve provided. I’m struggling to get a grasp on the meaning of ‘affective awareness’ – Is it essentially awareness of your feelings? Could you clarify for me please? Google doesn’t seem to be helping either.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya, you are welcome and it is a pleasure to do so.

The reason I emphasized “affective” awareness is because several people misunderstood the actualism method and only paid attention to their thoughts instead of including their feelings which lay behind their troublesome thoughts. The other reason is that, with the large prevalence of Buddhistic practices, dissociation from one’s feelings is very common and then those suppressed feelings make themselves felt somatically, i.e. in bodily discomfort, physical tensions and pain and they never discover the cause of their discomfort by missing out on affective awareness.

Kuba explained it very well in his most recent message to you but if something is still unclear you are very welcome to ask again – it is better to get it right from the start instead of learning an ineffective pattern which then you might have to unlearn first before applying the correction.

*

VINEETO: Perhaps it’s a good idea (…) to look for a resistance or hesitation regarding a PCE because the implications can seem too much.

SONYA: Logically, I can’t pinpoint any resistance or hesitation regarding remember a PCE. Of course there is a possibility there is something I am doing sub-consciously. When I think about why I may not want to remember a PCE nothing really comes up. Why would I not want to remember perfection? More digging may be required here.

VINEETO: Ah well, perhaps there is no resistance, it was just a guess. However, I noticed you said “logically”, so there is the possibility of looking emotionally?

Besides, the more you enjoy and appreciate being here, the more you are in the perfect position to allow a PCE to happen by naïvely “going boldly where angels fear to tread”, as the saying goes – with adult sensibility of course.

Incidentally, sexual intimacy coupled with naiveté is an ideal opportunity as well to allow a PCE to happen. Richard talks about this in detail here. (Richard, List D, No. 20, 9 December 2009).

*

VINEETO: Ah, Sonya, this is wonderful to read. It so reminds me how, when feeling being ‘Vineeto’ met ‘Peter’ the first time, ‘he’ proposed to want to live together in peace and harmony and with honesty look at everything which got in the way of this aim. ‘Vineeto’ thought ‘she’ never heard a more attractive proposal and agreed. ‘We’ had great fun together, to put it mildly.

SONYA: This is very similar to Kuba and I. I remember him telling me about you and Peter. How both of you managed to tackle the challenge of living together in peace and harmony. I thought it just made sense! Why can’t we do that? Let’s do it! Remembering this again has brought to a smile to my face. It’s something I need to keep at the forefront my mind.

VINEETO: I am pleased to read that someone was inspired by ‘Peter’s’ and ‘Vineeto’s’ reports and accepted Richard’s challenge to all when he said “I have always wondered whether it is possible for man and woman to live together intimately; in perfect peace and harmony.” (Richard’s Journal, Article One).

It is indeed a good thing “to keep at the forefront my mind” because this “thing” can give you the perfect confirmation that everything is going swimmingly, and a timely warning when it’s not operating, that you have wandered off the ‘wide and wondrous’ path to being happy and harmless.

Then you stop in your tracks, get back to feeling good (first thing before you start finding blame or reason), and then have a good look what is going on. Just remember that blaming either yourself or the other only serves to strengthen the ‘persona’, whereas sincere inquiry can not only be successful to dissolve the obstacle but turn out to be fun in the puzzle-solving process itself.

Here is how Peter described it –

Peter: “In undertaking any mutual investigation into what it was that caused the perpetual battle of the sexes that we knew so well, we resolved to put any issues that arose ‘on the table’, to discuss them, probe them and make mutual sense of them. By regarding them as the Human Condition, i.e. common to all humans, we were able to largely avoid ‘taking the issue personally’, which had proved the downfall of all previous attempts at discussing sensitive relationship issues. We further resolved that anything one disclosed or discussed would not be used by the other at some later time as revenge or to score points, and this gave us the confidence to dig deeper and explore further than we had dared to before.” [Emphasis added]. (Actualism, Peter, Selected Writing, Living Together)

Be a friend to yourself and appreciate your successes, no matter how small they may appear to you at first glance.

Cheers Vineeto

April 17 2025

SONYA: Hi Vineeto,

I just wanted to say this is all really fun and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to get involved!

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

It’s a pleasure to hear, I wish you lots of fun on the way to even more enjoyment and appreciation.

*

VINEETO: … dissociation from one’s feelings is very common and then those suppressed feelings make themselves felt somatically, i.e. in bodily discomfort, physical tensions and pain.

SONYA: This is something I’ve noticed myself doing in the past alot. I think alot of it has diminished now. However, now when an emotion bubbles up it gets overwhelming and I find it hard to just sit and not express it. Especially a couple days before my period when the bar for my emotional tolerance is very low. It seems to be a common time I find a way to start an argument. Last time it was about who was cooking the minced meat.

VINEETO: Oh dear, and it is such fun to cook together! When an emotion bubbles up, the first thing is that you get back to feeling good, without expressing or suppressing the feeling, both action would give it more energy. What most helps to get back to feeling good is the realization that you are wasting this precious moment by being emotional when you could be feeling good instead. Only when you feel good again, then you sort out and look into what has just been happening.

It may look a bit difficult at the start but most the time it’s a (silly) habitual reaction like blaming yourself of the other, trying to push the feeling away or wanting to act it out. All these increase the energy of the feeling itself. If you can stop yourself acting habitually just for a short moment, the feeling will decrease (because you are not feeding it).

SONYA: In the past I never quite understood what Kuba was talking about since I only felt feelings physically (heart racing, lump in my throat). However, reading Kuba’s explanation to me just now it clicked for me and I was able to pinpoint when I’ve had an affective awareness of the feelings. That’s pretty cool to notice.

VINEETO: That is cool, and you patted yourself on the back right away too – appreciation is a multiplier for enjoyment.

*

VINEETO: Just remember that blaming either yourself or the other only serves to strengthen the ‘persona’, whereas sincere inquiry can not only be successful to dissolve the obstacle but turn out to be fun in the puzzle-solving process itself.

SONYA: This really hit home hahah. I have a tendency to do this and it never ever gets anywhere. It makes so much sense and yet my default is blame.

VINEETO: Yes I know, most people do it automatically. But because it is only a habit and not a deeply ingrained one, it’s easy to discard this behaviour the moment you notice it (like wiggling your toes).

*

VINEETO: Be a friend to yourself and appreciate your successes, no matter how small they may appear to you at first glance.

SONYA: I remember speaking to my friend about actualism and being happy and harmless. She said to me ‘remember to be happy and harmless to yourself too!’ I felt so silly, the thought never even crossed my mind.

VINEETO: Ha, that’s what well-meaning friends are for. Most children are dutifully trained to be hard on themselves (unless they are spoilt) and become useful members for society, and this inculcated training takes on a life of its own. Devika, Peter and myself had a conversation with Richard in 1997 on this topic which Richard recorded and transcribed. (Audio-Taped Dialogues, Silly or Sensible). It contains some other useful tips as well.

Enjoy.

Cheers Vineeto

May 13 2025

VINEETO: Incidentally, sexual intimacy coupled with naiveté is an ideal opportunity as well to allow a PCE to happen. Richard talks about this in detail here (Richard, List D, No. 20, 9 December 2009).

SONYA: So, I’ve been reading this over and over again today. All I can say is WOW! It’s cool to read how much better sex could be, how much more intimate I could be with Kuba.

Richard: It was not until after the four-hour PCE, which initiated the process resulting in an actual freedom, that it became obvious to me what such loss of self actually meant. Accordingly, I deliberately set out to induce a PCE via giving myself completely to her – totally and utterly – whilst hovering indefinitely on that orgastic plateau which precedes an orgasm. (Richard, List D, No. 6, 10 November 2009).

This bit really got to me, It made me realise how I much I pull back when having sex. There’s a fear of giving myself to him. I feel like I need to hold back. I’m not sure why, it might be out of habit from previous sexual encounters with other people where it wasn’t the safest of situations. But I’ve just clocked what I’ve been doing. I do remember clearly one time experiencing the below mentioned “great sex” which was full of sweetness and I was so thrilled with it I immediately told my girlfriends. I think that’s what I need to keep referring back as my reference until I decide to raise the bar.

Magical sex sounds pretty fucking cool haha!

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

It’s really fortuitous that you discovered that you don’t “need to hold back” in sexual intimacy – it is the best way to explore intimacy and naiveté and experience instant tangible rewards. “Great sex which was full or sweetness” gives you the perfect motivation to have more of it, and take notice and then decline the emotional obstacles that could prevent experiencing such sweet intimacy again and again.

Don’t get discouraged when you discover some feelings of wanting to pull back, or some fear of going too far – this is only natural because sexuality has been for centuries accompanied by the strongest religious/ spiritual and social taboos. It is the most delicious and most straight-forward way to lose one’s ‘self’.

That’s when magical sex happens.

Richard: Good sex relates to togetherness. Very good sex relates to closeness. Great sex relates to sweetness. Excellent sex relates to richness. Magical sex relates to actuality.

To explain: togetherness is the companionship of doing things together – be it shopping, cooking, having sex, whatever – and pertains to the willingness to be and act in concert with another. A closeness is where the personal boundaries are expanded to include the other into one’s own space; this is a normal type of intimacy. A sweetness is when closeness entrées a lovely delight at the proximity of the other (although it can veer off into affection, ardency, love, oneness). A richness (aka an excellence experience) is where sweetness segues into a near-absence of agency via letting-go of control and one is the sex and sexuality (the beer and not the doer). Magical sex is where sex and sexuality are happening of their own accord – neither beer nor doer extant – and pristine purity abounds (an immaculate perfection). (Richard, List D, No. 6, 10 November 2009).

Cheers Vineeto

May 20 2025

SONYA: I had an “ah ha!” moment last week as I was driving to dance class. The sun was shining and just starting to set, I had my music on, window down, and the golden sunlight shining through the window was marvellous. I found myself thoroughly enjoying all the sights and sounds. It made me feel giddy with happiness. This feeling carried on through-out my drive to the studio, then all a sudden I realised things were happening on its own without me “choosing” to? It was like I noticed that I was changing gear, breaking, accelerating, signalling without choosing to? Like my body was doing things on its own accord without ‘me’ consciously deciding these things. I kinda realised that it was always like this, that ‘I’ haven’t really been making any decisions this whole time and things were just happening. It was almost like the most obvious thing ever.

Then I parked up, went into class and had a great time.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

This was a great “‘ah ha!’ moment”. Keep it in mind – the more you remember that “things were happening on its own with out me “choosing” to” the more you can safely allow things happening on their own and be done much better without ‘you’ interfering.

Richard: This body is eminently competent in functioning autonomously: the stomach tells the brain (wherein lies the will which, with its data-correlating ability, is nothing more grand than the nerve-organising organ of the body) when it is empty. The stomach secretes a chemical when unoccupied which triggers a receptor in the brain that gives rise to a sensation humans ignorantly call ‘I am hungry’. Indeed, tests have been done by people who delight in doing these things, wherein the chemical was injected into volunteers who had just eaten a full meal: the chemical caused them to feel hungry despite their distended stomachs. Thus ‘I’, thinking and feeling that ‘I’ am an important part of the process, step in and incorrectly say: ‘‘I’ am hungry’. ‘I’ am not hungry at all (how can a psychological or psychic entity need corporeal food) ... it is that the stomach is simply signalling its emptiness to the brain via the autonomic nervous system.

Likewise the bladder tells the brain when it is full, and so on. When ‘I’ says ‘I want to go to the toilet’, ‘I’ am not busting for a pee at all ... the bladder is merely indicating its fullness. Once again, a psychological and psychic entity cannot manufacture physical urine ... it is absurd. Furthermore, the empty stomach instructs the legs, via the will function of the physical brain, to walk to the cupboard for food. The eyes, seeing an empty cupboard and thus triggering remembered experience, will advise the legs, via the brain’s organising capability, to walk the body to a shop. An empty wallet will tell the legs to take the body to a bank ... and an empty bank account will demonstrate that it is time to get a job (or go on a pension or whatever). I am neither being pedantic nor facetious here ... it is actually this simple. Without an ‘I’ and/or ‘me’, one is this very sensuous flesh and blood body being apperceptively aware, living in the actual world of people, things and events ... not an ‘I’ and/or ‘me’ living in the grim and glum real world, forever cut off from the magnificence of this luscious actual world by ‘my’ unreal existence, thinking and feeling that ‘I’ have to make responsible and onerous decisions. (Richard, List C, No. 4b, 1 May 2000)

You may remember Richard’s story how the painting painted itself –

Richard: ‘In the years I successfully made a living as a practising artist I never took any notice of the critics’ opinions ... indeed, if I had I would never had made a living out of it as my artistic output came about despite both the institutionalised training I received during three years fulltime study at art college and the two years fulltime application of same immediately following graduation (wherein I had to teach art part-time of an evening to supplement my then-meagre income).

It was only when ‘I’ got out of the way and the painting painted itself, so to speak, or the drawing drew itself/ the sculpture sculpted itself/ the pottery formed itself (and so on) that craft – all the painstakingly acquired skills – became art.

I clearly remember the opening night of my first one-man exhibition (in a major city of this country I reside in): it virtually sold-out on that first night and, of course, being the star of the show ‘I’ was the recipient of the judgements of those assembled who chose to voice their opinion ... yet what they did not realise, as only ‘I’ knew how that artistic output came about, was that their opinion was of no value to ‘me’ whatsoever either one way or the other.

The opinion of another identity did not mean a thing either’. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 90a, 3 July 2005).

… and ‘he’ then wished to live life in the same way –

Richard: ‘... all art is initially a representation of the actual and, as such, is a reflection funnelled by the artist so that he/she can express what they are experiencing in order to see for themselves – and show to others – what is going on ‘behind the scenes’ as it were. However, when one is fully engrossed in the act of creating art – wherein the painting paints itself – the art-form takes on a life of its own and ceases to be a representation. It is its own actuality. One can only stand in amazement and wonder ... this is what ‘I’ experienced back when I was a normal person.

Thus ‘I’ wished to live ‘my’ life this way – where my life lived itself – and consequently here I am ... now’. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 12a, 2 February 1999).

SONYA: It was like I was autopilot but aware I was on autopilot. Whereas in the past when I would be on ‘autopilot’ I would also be in fantasy land somewhere in my head. This time felt significant cause I was firmly right here.

VINEETO: That is a great description – “I was autopilot but aware I was on autopilot”. It refers to the same fascinating occurrence of apperception Richard describes: the mind’s perception of itself.

Richard: Apperception is another ball-game entirely and has nothing to do with any of the above. I take the Oxford Dictionary definition as an established ‘given’: ‘apperception is the mind’s perception of itself’. This means that there is not an ‘I’ being aware of ‘me’ being conscious, but it is an un-mediated awareness of itself. Thinking may or may not occur ... and apperception happens regardless. Thought does not have to stop for apperception to happen ... it is that the ‘thinker’ disappears. As for feelings in apperception; not only does the ‘feeler’ disappear, but so too do feelings themselves.

Apperception is the direct – unmediated – apprehension of actuality ... the world as-it-is. (Richard, List B, No. 20, 28 February 1998).

SONYA: Basically, all this made me really start to wonder if ‘I’ am really needed.

VINEETO: Indeed, and once you begin to wonder if ‘you’ are really needed, you put the first nail in the coffin of ‘me’ and ‘my’ importance. Then seriousness falls by the wayside and being alive in this modus operandi becomes more and more easy and fun.

Cheers Vineeto

June 11 2025

SONYA: So I’ve been keeping the experience of that ‘ah ha!’ moment at the front of my mind. The seeing that everything is happening on its own accord without ‘me’ actually deciding anything has been pretty relevant for me lately. I mostly find myself loosening the ‘reigns of control’ when I’m driving and noticing how easy everything is and how much more fun I am having when I let go a bit more. It’s realising experientially, bit by bit that it’s actually better in every way to step back. I notice that it’s when ‘I’ pop up and start planning/ scheming is when the light/ fun flavour of the world around me dulls. It’s like I’m seeing the world through different lenses depending on how much ‘in control’ ‘I’ am.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

This is a great discovery and one which stands you in good stead every time you remember “to step back”. Being more and more naïve makes life not only easier but so much more fun!

SONYA: Just in time to walk down the aisle this weekend haha.

VINEETO: Congratulations to both of you – you both have the tools, the commitment and dedication to live together in peace and harmony.

SONYA (to Kuba): I do notice that I have also found it harder to hold on to being serious. There have been a few fleeting moments when ‘I’ have felt I needed to be serious and be upset about something and one look at you grinning at me in playfulness and it all just dissipates. What a waste it would be to be serious and upset when I could enjoy this moment with you.

VINEETO: Hehe, it’s such fun to have a happy playmate and you already noticed and reported that you can have this non-serious enjoyment with other people as well. It is indeed contagious.

SONYA: The only time we seem to argue is usually when I’m on my period but notably a couple weeks ago when I had my period you didn’t notice at all which is a big YAY! Now to keep it consistent.

VINEETO: You might like this section from Richard’s journal, which I found while looking for something else, revelling in the delights of peaceful and harmonious companionship –

Richard: From where I am sitting I can see into the carpets, bedding, pillows and curtains, it looks snug and inviting. Light, seeping from the curtained portholes, casts a cosy glow around the hulls, reflecting this exquisite home as it sits safely upon the inky-black water. I am indeed having a wonderful time ... and it is a well-earned wonderful time, too. Nothing has come without application – apart from some serendipitous discoveries because of pure intent – and my companion and I am reaping the rewards.

The dividends resulting from taking the risk are plentiful and deliciously satisfying. The abandonment of the mystique freed me up to a world of actual splendour, based firmly upon sensual and sexual delight. The actual and unabashed enjoyment of our bodies and the world around us is such a luscious and immediate experience, that the tantalising but ever elusive promise of the mystique is slowly fading into the oblivion it deserves. Somewhere, shrouded in the Mists Of Time, humans were deprived of their birthright; their exquisite sensual and sexual joy was usurped by the mystique. With its unfulfillable covenant – its promise of an ineffable, never to-be-explained, unfathomable core of Mystical Bliss – mystique had become the successful repressor of human being’s genuine sexuality and sensuality.

This easily explicates just why, throughout the ages and the cultures, both men and women have been repressing a woman’s sexuality. In the western societies the more obvious ‘reasons’ for repression are no longer valid: every woman is well-educated in genetics, is basically able to live independently of a man’s financial support, has easy access to contraception and, with the advent of modern medical discoveries, has no need to succumb to the “old wives’ tales”. This made me question why the repression continues. This made me ask why, in most orthodox sexual information, the emphasis is still only on menstrual cycles, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy procedures and a clinical description of the genitalia. Why is it that mothers – and fathers too, for that matter – do not talk about the excitement of the sight and touch of an aroused penis? Or the titillating feeling of erect nipples? The crawling, tingling, tickling sensation in the lower belly? The warmth of the vulva which opens to the moist and full coloured lips? Why are parents not revelling in talking about the glorious sensations when touching, stroking, licking, rubbing, pressing ... the acutely responsive clitoris ... the readily excitable penis ... the increasingly juicy tension building up … unabashedly wallowing in the sensual and sexual world of purely sensate physical delight.

The answer was both clear and simple: people would rather be Sacred than actual. (Richard’s Journal, Article Two)

Enjoy, and then some more.

Cheers Vineeto

July 2 2025

SONYA: So I’ve constantly been having a few thoughts in the back of my mind that keep popping up so I thought Ill try write them down and try to figure out what’s going on with love for me.

Fast forward into our relationship, loving feelings of course began to develop for the first time. Being 19/20 and still figuring out a lot about life, this new whirl wind of feelings hit like a tonne of bricks. Kuba and I never really fed into the loving feels but they were still somewhat there for me. Of course from it arose insecurities, expectations, control etc. I found that I was losing myself to some extent, I would do things out of love and if it wasn’t reciprocated I got upset. Each time that conflict or bad feelings would come up because of love I dismissed it and brushed it under the rug. I think cause we never really talked about it and I didn’t see the sense of it to a certain extent, it never grew past a certain point but it was still there.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

You really describe well how all the feelings under the umbrella of love are actually being in the way of feeling happy and harmless, of enjoying and appreciating being alive. And then how you looked at them, and more and more discovered that it makes simply no sense to keep having the same expectations resulting in the same disappointment, because of the ‘narrative’ of love.

SONYA: I did eventually manage to eliminate most of it when I realised that I was getting upset and keeping love around by relating to Kuba as my ‘boyfriend’ and being in a ‘relationship’ with him. That came with all the expectations of those roles that I put on him and myself and that included the loving feelings. I think after realising that and freeing myself from those expectations and Kuba from my expectations from him I was able to stand on my two feet a bit more and interact Kuba in a fresher way. Less expectations, more fun, light, playful. I thought the job was done.

Nope, I was reading “A Bit of Vineeto” today when the below clicked for me.

‘Vineeto’: … love changed into the subtler version of feeling ‘connected’ … (Actualism, Vineeto, A Bit of Vineeto).

VINEETO: This “feeling ‘connected’” can have different flavours, and only what prevents you from enjoying and appreciating at this moment needs to be looked at this moment. If relying on Kuba makes you insecure then you already know how you can do something about it. It’s a matter of actualising your insight. When you sharpen your affective awareness and tend to each obstacle, each interference preventing you from being gay and naïve, then you will see how the strong “feeling ‘connected’” eventually weakens and disappears altogether. It’s often only a habitual way of being which you can change once you notice it.

SONYA: The main crux of love was largely diminished but I am still feeling connected to him. My feelings are still influenced by how he’s feeling. For a while I could say that I wasn’t in love with Kuba but there was something still there that was in the way of experiencing him directly without tinted glasses and I think it’s the feeling of being connected. I am not yet standing on my own two feet and still looking to Kuba to hold my hand.

VINEETO: You also said –

Sonya: I kinda realised that it was always like this, that ‘I’ haven’t really been making any decisions this whole time and things were just happening. It was almost like the most obvious thing ever. (20 May 2025)

You can follow the lead of your “ah ha!” moment (11 June 2025) and others which came after, easing the control bit by bit, and then things start falling in place of their own, in line with your intent/ commitment “to live life with you in the most fun, exciting, wholesome, fulfilling way” (16 April 2025).

SONYA: I’d like to say that I also feel like such a fraud being in very feminine spaces and not believing in love, it does feel a little lonely at times but I also know I can’t go back to believing in it after seeing it for what it is.

VINEETO: That’s excellent that you know you can’t go back, and the original unfamiliarity will soon pass because you are discovering something better than “believing in love”. You can explore more and more being vitally interested, appreciate, enjoy the other’s company, be fascinated of what he or you are saying next, doing next … and explore more and more intimacy free from the burden of love. And have fun (love is really a very serious business).

SONYA: For me it was seeing what someone was like when they were in love, and how someone who cared for me but wasn’t in love with me behaved. For the latter, we were both still living our own lives but didn’t fall into the typical ‘roles’ which meant less expectations and less resentment. In fact, there was just more caring and less control, manipulation. I think originally there was still some scepticism into exploring what a partnership will be like without love but I can say experientially it’s the way to go. I also had to keep in mind that we weren’t just eliminating love but replacing it with something better and care and appreciation had to be at the forefront.

VINEETO: For someone who says she feels “a little lonely” for “not believing in love” you are quite eloquent in how many benefits the alternative way of relating has. Who knows, you might even infect others with stories of making a success of your partnership.

Cheers Vineeto

July 3 2025

VINEETO: This “feeling ‘connected’” can have different flavours, and only what prevents you from enjoying and appreciating at this moment needs to be looked at this moment. If relying on Kuba makes you insecure then you already know how you can do something about it.

SONYA: Yes, I think this is the nurture aspect coming in for me. I still feel nurturing to Kuba, if he is happy then I am happy, if he is upset, I’ll be upset (luckily he is very rarely upset nowadays) and I tend to lean more towards doing things that make him happy first. Of course, I enjoy cooking/ baking foods that he likes or giving him a pedicure/ manicure and that doesn’t have to stop but it’s the feeling of nurturing him that’s the issue. Haha I see it a bit more now, it’s very one-sided. On my side, I’m playing the nurturing game, ‘taking care’ of him etc. On his side he’s just enjoying some warm brownies and nice cuticles. And I am holding on to this feeling of connection and being connected so I can still play the nurture game!

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

Ah, ‘Vineeto’ spoke about her concerns regards nurture in the Out-from-Control video.

You can check out other aspects of nurture yourself (apart from fellowship regard). For instance, what agenda do ‘you’ have to nurture him above and beyond fellowship regard? What benefit do you gain from “feeling connected” so much so that you are willing to worry about it/about him and are only happy when he is happy? Remember, it’s often the ‘good’ feelings which keep the equivalent ‘bad’ feelings in place.

It’s certainly worth looking into it because it prevents you from unconditionally enjoying this moment of being alive or appreciating both yourself and him as two autonomous human beings getting on well with each other.

*

VINEETO: For someone who says she feels “a little lonely” for “not believing in love” you are quite eloquent in how many benefits the alternative way of relating has. Who knows, you might even infect others with stories of making a success of your partnership.

SONYA: I think it’s more in relation with other women and leaving the sisterhood behind, I sometimes feel like my friends are speaking a different language and I sometimes feel sad or awkward I can’t join in on the conversation. There’s a fear that I won’t be fun or interesting anymore. That now with love largely out the picture there is less drama in my life. I can’t complain or get angry alongside them. How odd that despite all the good things that have come out of not prioritising love I am still sad to leave it behind and not participate in the dramas that come with it.

VINEETO: Mmh, the need to belong has a strong pull. The courage to live according to your own convictions – especially when they are informed by the sincere intent to be happy and harmless – will come when you take the first (or next) step in that direction, and with every step you take the required daring is sourced in the thrilling/ exciting part of fear and readily available when the situation calls for it.

After feeling being ‘Vineeto’ started with actualism and knew with certainty that this is the direction ‘she’ wanted to go in life, it soon became quite obvious to ‘her’ that ‘she’ had no longer much in common with previous friends and acquaintances. They preferred goals ‘she’ no longer shared – and to follow ‘her’ own chosen path was more important than accommodating friendship or acquaintances which weren’t satisfactory. ‘She’ also found that most would revel in exchanging various resentments and complaints and looking for sympathy for their grievances. It wasn’t fun.

So, since you already found out for yourself, by experience, that a love relationship is inferior to a partnership based on appreciation and enjoyment, why would you want to pretend it is otherwise just to belong to a group of women with whom you have nothing in common with?

Cheers Vineeto

July 8 2025

VINEETO: what agenda do ‘you’ have to nurture him above and beyond fellowship regard? What benefit do you gain from “feeling connected” so much so that you are willing to worry about it/about him and are only happy when he is happy?

SONYA: So I’ve been thinking about this and I think the answer is that for me as a woman, part of my ‘super power’ is the nurture. It’s how ‘I’ can relate to people. When I was younger it was being nurtured and now as I am getting older it is to do the nurturing. It places me in society, if I am nurturing I’m a ‘good’ woman, so ‘I’ have a vested interest in keeping the nurture around, it makes ‘me’ feel safe to be considered a ‘good’ woman to society. On the flipside, if ‘I’ am not nurturing, I’m cold, a bitch, etc… Although by ‘normal’ standards I’m not a overtly nurturing person and most people wouldn’t describe me as nurturing, and yet no one has described me as cold or a bitch either. So this knee jerk reaction of fear that without nurture I’m going to be an evil robot is silly. It’s the same concern that came up when questioning love. It’s not an either or, it’s the third alternative.

I think the reason why I also want to keep ‘feeling connected’ is so I’m not solely responsible for my own happiness. So, I can rely on Kuba if I am happy or not, If he’s upset, then I subsequently get upset and can easily blame him for me being upset. It’s getting easier to grab it by the throat and look at it now when the feeling comes up. It’s the fear of standing on my own two feet and being accountable for my own happiness, without ‘feeling connected’ who can I blame when I am being upset?

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

You found some excellent reasons why you so far shied away from giving up “‘feeling connected’”, and also that you found them not really compelling. It seems the one closest to home is the last one – “who can I blame when I am being upset?”

Who indeed, when you give this pattern up, can you blame? Then the responsibility, and the capacity, to change is in your hands and in your hands alone and, as Ian so excellently explained how to do it on another issue, this is eminently doable. You will also find it is very enjoyable to be in charge of your own feelings (rather than believe someone else did it to you) and therefore you are in charge of how you feel – excellent, of course.

*

VINEETO: So, since you already found out for yourself, by experience, that a love relationship is inferior to a partnership based on appreciation and enjoyment, why would you want to pretend it is otherwise just to belong to a group of women with whom you have nothing in common with?

SONYA: I had my best friend visit me over the weekend, she knows I don’t prioritise love and she can experientially see that I still care for here and have not become an evil robot. I’m frank with her about actualism whenever she asks and I really enjoy spending time with her. She is someone apart from Kuba whom I’m not scared to be transparent with. Yet there is still a bit of ‘sisterhood’ that I am not quite letting go of yet, I know I don’t love her, she knows that as well and accepts that care and consideration is a priority for me over love for her. And with each little step of progress that I make I am taking a step away from sisterhood and into something much more substantial, that isn’t the ‘doom and gloom’ or the spiritual ‘mystery’ of being a ‘woman’ or ‘womanhood’. It is relating that is more than that. I don’t see the benefit of staying in the ‘sisterhood’ with its flipside, it isn’t ‘safe’ and it isn’t reliable. And I know that I won’t be an evil robot without it. It also doesn’t mean that I have to never interact with my female friends.

VINEETO: This sounds encouraging that your belief of the overall structure of “‘sisterhood’” and related loyalty is slowing losing its credibility and is less compelling than before to follow its associated beliefs. You are also discovering that you can replace those beliefs with genuine care and consideration and enjoy each other’s company even more.

Isn’t it remarkable what beneficial results attentiveness and sincere contemplation can bring about.

Cheers Vineeto

July 11 2025

SONYA: I’m just popping this on here cause this has kinda been an ongoing issue that pops up for me quite often and I’m getting sick of it  It’s gonna look a bit mental but it’s just word vomit I am trying to make sense of so any help would be appreciated.

He changed his mind/ job requests came in – nothing I can do about it/ I did what I could so he could decide what he wanted to do on Friday… so why do I feel blame? –

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

What you report is quite a complex situation for you. Hence it might be useful to peel it like an onion.

First you report there are the feelings of upset and then blame.

Have you noticed how these are almost always come one right after the other, almost indistinguishable from each other. But they are two different feeling. You felt upset because your plans/ expectations were disrupted and then you find someone to blame for the ‘damage’ done.

This is the usual automatic instinctive response (so don’t blame yourself), but with diligent and fascinated attentiveness to how you experience yourself each moment you can separate them out.

Then, still feeling bad, you endeavour to fix the problem but whatever you do does not help you feeling good. Hence, at this point it would be best to first get back to feeling good yourself while it’s still emerging before complicating it further with reactive action.

SONYA: Responsible for how he is feeling? I feel he is now annoyed so now I am no longer happy (because I feel we are connected?) I feel responsible, have a thing about being in trouble/ told off. Authority as well maybe?

VINEETO: You talked about this before, that because you like to “feel connected” you therefore “feel responsible for how he is feeling” and you try to make him happy. Yet by focussing on making the other happy you overlook/ ignore how you feel.

Also, you don’t know for a fact if he needs help – it is simply an automatic feeling response. Because you feel bad you infer that he is “annoyed” and respond accordingly. He could well have been “annoyed” but then that is first and foremost his own responsibility.

SONYA: I feel responsible, have a thing about being in trouble/ told off. Authority as well maybe?

VINEETO: I only listed the sequence of events so you can look out for the smaller triggers and in future avert the (so far) inevitable conclusion (“I feel responsible”). It’s a habitual response and you have already found one cause – you want to be responsible because it gives you a connection – it is also possibly that it is an old survival technique acquired when you needed it. But when you get a chance to sort out facts from feelings you might find that it’s no longer needed for your survival but more likely a habit which you can question and replace with something better – a naïve intimacy perhaps?

SONYA: This is similar to Ian’s post in some ways but I can’t quite get to seeing the belief for what it is.

VINEETO: What Ian did and reported a few times, he recognized that nobody else is responsible for how he feels. Taking back this authority to choose which feeling he wants to be (as in I am my feelings and my feelings are me) he can then look at his beliefs if they serve him to enjoy and appreciate this moment. Viz.:

Ian: So I was just contemplating further what was holding this feeling… examining the belief in being a good employee, which has roots in being a good boy, which I had realised not only is rooted in fear of punishment but also in desire for reward, whether that is popularity or praise or both, and also somewhat in nurture… my loving nature wanting those I loved to feel good and not be upset or disappointed… I feel responsible for their happiness and wellbeing… I seek to be harmless but actually cause myself harm… (5 July 2025).

If you exchange “being a good employee” for “being a good wife” then you can perhaps acknowledge/ recognize that you make both the rules for the “good wife” and then enforce those rules on both you and him and recognize that those rules are “rooted in fear of punishment but also in desire for reward, whether that is popularity or praise or both”.

See if that makes sense for you.

Cheers Vineeto

July 12 2025

VINEETO: First you report there are the feelings of upset and then blame.

Have you noticed how these are almost always come one right after the other, almost indistinguishable from each other. But they are two different feeling.

SONYA: I haven’t noticed that them to be different feelings before but it makes sense that one comes after the other.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

Good. Now that it makes sense, you have the opportunity to catch it and not have it escalate, and first get back to feeling good after being upset before considering further action.

*

VINEETO: Then, still feeling bad, you endeavour to fix the problem but whatever you do does not help you feeling good. Hence, at this point it would be best to first get back to feeling good yourself while it’s still emerging before complicating it further with reactive action.

SONYA: Yes, I notice this tends to happen with me, if a strong emotion takes over I find myself reacting by trying to solve it. immediately which has never worked so far. I think I feel so uncomfortable and ashamed of being emotional again that I scramble and panic to ‘fix’ it and then of course get frustrated that I can’t fix it and then struggle to feel good again until I just stop and “let the dust settle”.

VINEETO: There is a common misunderstanding by people interested in actualism –

Richard: It is impossible to be a ‘stripped-down’ self – divested of feelings – for ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’. Anyone who attempts this absurdity would wind up being somewhat like what is known in psychiatric terminology as a ‘sociopathic personality’ (popularly known as ‘psychopath’). Such a person still has feelings – ‘cold’, ‘callous’, ‘indifferent’ – and has repressed the others. What the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom is on about is a virtual freedom wherein the ‘good’ feelings – the affectionate and desirable emotions and passions (those that are loving and trusting) are minimised along with the ‘bad’ feelings – the hostile and invidious emotions and passions (those that are hateful and fearful) – so that one is free to be feeling good, feeling happy and harmless and feeling excellent/perfect for 99% of the time. If one deactivates the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings and activates the felicitous/ innocuous feelings (happiness, delight, joie de vivre/ bonhomie, friendliness, amiability and so on) with this freed-up affective energy, in conjunction with sensuousness (delectation, enjoyment, appreciation, relish, zest, gusto and so on), then the ensuing sense of amazement, marvel and wonder can result in apperceptiveness (unmediated perception).

Then everything I write about is self-evident. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 32, 4 May 2002)

So, you see, feeling “uncomfortable and ashamed of being emotional again” is only aggravating the problem, and it’s completely unnecessary. You, like everyone, are a feeling being and actualism provides the third alternative. Instead of either expressing the feeling or repressing it, you can become aware of the feeling when it is happening and acknowledge that you are the feeling (not just having a feeling). Then you have the choice to channel the affective energy towards the happy and harmless feelings. Not being ashamed of the feeling itself helps a great deal to diminish it in the first place and get back to feeling good. Then you can check out what triggered the upset.

*

VINEETO: Yet by focussing on making the other happy you overlook/ ignore how you feel.

SONYA: It’s funny cause when I read that I thought “it makes me happy to make him happy” but of course that’s just me not being in charge of my own feelings and shying from standing on my own two feet again! It’s only relying entirely on someone else to react the way I want them to which is unreliable.

The way to be “in charge” of your feelings is to be affectively aware when they are happening and address the situation as I described above.

The more you get the knack (learn the trick) to notice a diminishment in enjoyment and appreciation and get back to feeling good (by seeing how silly it is to waste this precious moment of being alive) the more you will see that standing on your own feet comes more naturally. If you decline to obey your inclination to dependency then the alternative becomes obvious – to explore naïve intimacy is possible.

Ian: … examining the belief in being a good employee, which has roots in being a good boy, which I had realised not only is rooted in fear of punishment but also in desire for reward, whether that is popularity or praise or both … (5 July 2025).

Vineeto: If you exchange “being a good employee” for “being a good wife” then you can perhaps acknowledge/ recognize that you make both the rules for the “good wife” and then enforce those rules on both you and him and recognize that those rules are “rooted in fear of punishment but also in desire for reward, whether that is popularity or praise or both”.

SONYA: I’m starting to see more now that I am entirely putting how I feel in the hands of someone else to praise or punish.

Thank you.

VINEETO: That is great – now you can put this insight into practice each time you notice it happening via an ongoing attentiveness, which will allow you to decline the way you have been brought up, this habitual inclination to dependency. You already know it ends up in unnecessary trouble. Knowing this you can make an autonomous sensible choice.

I wish you good success.

Cheers Vineeto

July 15 2025

SONYA: I had an experience yesterday that I’m not too sure what to make of. I spoke to Kuba about it and he has an idea on what may have happened but thought it might be a good idea to pop it on here to see what anyone else thinks!

Yesterday we are at a family BBQ on a lovely english summer day enjoying Polish sausages (my favourite haha) and chatting away. I remember that delight and happiness was amping up, growing and growing. I was just having a great time! I looked up from my plate and as I looked at Kuba there was a whoosh and it was like I was looking at him for the first time. Everything was so fresh and delightful. I was so interested in this face right in front of me. It wasn’t loving feelings because what I was experiencing wasn’t internal if that makes sense? It wasn’t a heaviness or pining, it was very light and fresh and outside of me? It only lasted a few seconds as he asked me “what’s up?”. I noticed that he was looking at me too, I got shy and the freshness faded away. Some of it still lingered throughout the evening but definitely less.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

I think what you wrote yourself some time ago might give you a clue –

Sonya: It’s the times when I let go of this ‘life line’ and ‘I’ get in the way again to try to plan/ scheme/ take more control Is when I notice I’m not living in this moment but in an imaginary future and everything dulls. Whereas when I’m just enjoying and appreciating this moment it’s like the world is in HD and so vibrant. [emphasis added].

And Kuba was most likely hinting at his own experience last month (2 July 2025) when he said he “he has an idea” –

Kuba: There was one thing that happened about 30min ago which was especially precious. I was chilling on the sofa with Sonya and poncho (my dog). I went to cuddle poncho and all of a sudden it was like that veil of reality was pulled back and I saw both Sonya and poncho as actually existing. It’s hard to convey the importance of those words – “actually existing”. But it goes some way to consider that not a single one of the ‘events’ which ever happened in ‘my’ reality were genuine. That the entirety of ‘my’ life was never genuine.

And now that curtain got pulled back and an actually existing world was revealed, so precious to discover it!

Vineeto: I fully understand the importance of those words as I remember ‘Vineeto’s’ first experience of this happening, it was quite world-view-shattering for ‘her’ –

‘Vineeto’: The next vital and essential break-through in understanding was my first major peak experience (PCE). What had started off one evening as ‘a roaming in the vast chambers of my mind’, psychic experiences and an expanded state of consciousness suddenly took a turn from ‘inner reality’ to actuality. It happened when Peter looked at me and said ‘hello, how are you doing?’ [Perhaps vaguely similar to Richard asking Pamela, “how is it as you sit here now”? (@13.53 min)].

I popped out of my inner world of feelings and imagination and, questioning the very validity of all I felt and thought, entered the world beyond beliefs and feelings – the actual world. Here was another human being, a flesh-and-blood person without any particular identity [for me] and he wanted to talk to me. And here I was, also a flesh-and-blood person without a particular identity, sitting on an old couch and curious to talk to this man that I was meeting for the first time.

I had never met the actual Peter; I had only related to him through the curtain of my expectations and classifications, through the filter of my social identity, through the grey or rose-coloured glasses of my ‘self’. What was initially a shocking surprise quickly turned into fascination and delight to have discovered something so simple and so pure – actual intimacy with another person and the perfection of the actual world. Here we were, two human beings, meeting for the first time, without past or future. No grand feelings, in fact, no feelings at all, but the pleasure of mutual undivided attention as to what the other is going to say next... [square-bracketed inserts added]. (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, James2, 7.4.2000)

(Actualism, Actualvineeto, Kuba9, 2 July 2025a)

SONYA: I remember that delight and happiness was amping up, growing and growing. I was just having a great time!

VINEETO: Isn’t it amazing what can happen when “delight and happiness” is“amping up, growing and growing”!

So when you wonder what best to do, it is to be happy and harmless, and when it’s not only based on special events but just bubbling up because it’s such a joy to simply be alive, even better.

Here is Richard talking about being harmless – and it’s not at all anything to do with being ‘unselfish’ –

Martin: Does harmlessness have nothing to do with ‘others’?

Richard: (…)

• [Richard]: “(...) it may be worthwhile bearing in mind that it is impossible to be happy (be happy as in being carefree), as distinct from feeling happy, without being harmless (being harmless as in being innocuous), as distinct from feeling harmless, and to be happy *and* harmless is to be unable to induce suffering – etymologically the word ‘harmless’ (harm + less) comes from the Old Norse ‘harmr’ (meaning grief, sorrow) – either in oneself or another”. [emphasis in original]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 62, 26 March 2004).

Thus to be harmless as per actualism lingo (being free of malice) is beneficial both to oneself – plus it feels unpleasant (hedonically) to feel malicious (affectively) anyway – as well to others due to being unable to induce suffering either in oneself or another, via affective vibes and psychic currents, and vice versa. (…)

Martin: (…) I don’t think I’ve really understood what harmless means, as I can’t help but either put ‘myself’ or ‘others’ first (as a kind of denial of ‘self’) when I think of being harmless. (…) ‘Harmlessness’ feels like something you *do* to another human being – or an effect you have on them – but do you simply mean it as an absence of malice and sorrow?

Richard: Do you see how almost all of that paragraph you wrote as a lead-up to your query about being harmless – as in “but do you simply mean it as an absence of malice and sorrow?” that is – stems from or revolves around that hoary religio-spiritual practice of putting each and every other ‘self’ before one’s own ‘self’ (a.k.a. being an unselfish ‘self’) so as to counter selfishness? (…)

As being harmless does not feature in religio-spiritual practice – peace-on-earth is not on the religio-spiritual agenda – then the sooner that nonsense about being an unselfish ‘self’ is abandoned the better. (Richard, List D, Martin, 6 August 2016).

There is more practical information in this correspondence if you want to read it to the end.

So, enjoy, and give your enjoyment the tick of approval (appreciate).

Cheers Vineeto

September 17 2025

SONYA: Another cool experience to log in!

With all this kind of happening automatically now I think it opened up a new level for me. Last Thursday, I was walking to dance class from my car. It had just rained so the air was cool and had that fresh wet rain smell. I was just enjoying walking, smelling, seeing, feeling the air etc. but not in a forced way if that makes sense. It was a simple direct experiencing of my surroundings. I was simply just happy to be walking.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

This is a great report – with less energy wasted in negative mood changes – because you learnt how to nip them in the bud or simply find them unnecessary – you are now free to enjoy, and appreciate, the whole smorgasbord of sensate experiencing which being alive has to offer. It is certainly another kind of enjoyment – the unconditional enjoyment of simply being alive.

SONYA: I remember I was almost at my destination and walking under some trees and all of a sudden it was like everything came into focus with the most clarity I’ve ever experienced. Colours were so vivid and it was like looking through binoculars that were previously “blurry and unfocused” and the settings had adjusted to a clear and crisp image. It was so intense I was definitely taken aback and almost stumbled a little bit. It was quite exhilarating. It lasted a few seconds then faded back to “normal”. After I was definitely feeling a bit shaken but not in a scared way, more like my definition on what was a “direct” way of experiencing the world was turned on its head and amplified really suddenly, really quickly and it has shaken something. There was a raw directness to it that I had never experienced before that I’d like to experience again.

VINEETO: It seems you had your first taste of “a “direct” way of experiencing the world”, i.e. direct because the feelings/identity which was blurring your sensate experiencing was temporarily in abeyance. It is wonderful and amazing when that happens and confirms that exactly this is what you want more of.

You might like this one –

RICHARD: In short: this ambrosial paradise I refer to as ‘this actual world’ has been no further away, all the while, than coming to your senses.

JAMES: Just what I needed to hear Richard. ‘In short’ is right. This pretty much says it all.

RICHARD: Aye ... this is my favoured way of saying it all:

• [Richard]: ‘Step Out Of The Real World Into This Actual World And Leave ‘Yourself’ Behind Where ‘You’ Belong.

JAMES: The key part of the first sentence to me is ‘coming to your senses’. That seems like the gateway into the actual world.

RICHARD: It is indeed – just as it is also the gateway out of the real world – and ‘tis only the price of admission/the cost of exit that hinders ingress/ egress.

JAMES: The ‘price of admission/the cost of exit’ must be ‘me’ which hinders exiting the real world and also hinders the direct contact of the senses to the actual world. Seeing exactly how the ‘me’ hinders this ‘ingress/egress’ diminishes the ‘me’. Can I leave ‘me’ at the gate?

RICHARD: This is what I would suggest:

• [Richard]: ‘The other aspect of the actualism method – other than felicity/ innocuity – is sensuosity: feeling felicitous/ innocuous, each moment again, brings one closer to one’s senses and the resultant wonder at the brilliance of the sensate world can enable apperception ... the direct experience of the world as-it-is. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, James, 27 March 2004).

Such a felicitous/ sensuous state of wonder can do wonders (pun intended). (Richard, Actual Freedom List, James, 2 April 2004).

Here is one of my favourite descriptions –

• [Richard]: I remember the first time I experienced being the senses only during a PCE. There was no identity as ‘I’ thinking or ‘me’ feeling ... simply this body ambling across a grassy field in the early-morning light. A million dew-drenched spider-webs danced a sparkling delight over the verdant vista and a question that had been running for some weeks became experientially answered: without the senses I would not know that I exist as this flesh and blood body. And further to this: I was the senses and the senses were me. With this came an awareness of being conscious – apperception – rather than ‘I’ being aware of ‘me’ being conscious. (Richard, General Correspondence, Alan2, 1 Aug 1998a).

Cheers Vineeto

September 19 2025

SONYA: It’s wonderful how simple it is. I think where I was going wrong before was trying to figure out why I was feeling bad whenever I was feeling bad, and of course trying to do that whilst in that state means that any investigation led me to justifying and solidifying my “right” to feel bad.

After the above happened it seems to be getting easier to come close to the direct experience again. I keep getting fleeting glimpses of being close to that direct experience which is cool! It’s like I’ve found a road leading straight to that direct experience that is so easy to get back on, it seems all I have to do is just angle myself towards enjoying/appreciating and I’m back on it again. I guess that’s why it’s called the wide and wondrous path.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

You have mapped it all out and it’s great you found a way to go back to enjoying and appreciating more easily and it easy that way “to come close to the direct experience”.

There is one hitch though you need to take into account – when you had the direct experience you described ‘you’ were in abeyance. Hence ‘you’ cannot make it happen, ‘you’ can only give permission to get out of the way and allow it to happen.

Richard: ‘Delight is what is humanly possible, given sufficient pure intent obtained from the felicity/ innocuity born of the pure consciousness experience, and from the position of delight, one can vitalise one’s joie de vivre by the amazement at the fun of it all ... and then one can – with sufficient abandon – become over-joyed and move into marvelling at being here and doing this business called being alive now. Then one is no longer intuitively making sense of life ... the delicious wonder of it all drives any such instinctive meaning away.

Such luscious wonder fosters the innate condition of naiveté – the nourishing of which is essential if fascination in it all is to occur – and the charm of life itself easily engages dedication to peace-on-earth. Then, as one gazes intently at the world about by glancing lightly with sensuously caressing eyes, out of the corner of one’s eye comes – sweetly – the magical fairy-tale-like paradise that this verdant earth actually is ... and one is the experiencing of what is happening.

But refrain from possessing it and making it your own ... or else ‘twill vanish as softly as it appeared. [emphasis added]. (page 287, ‘Richard’s Journal’, Second Edition; ©2004 The Actual Freedom Trust).

Cheers Vineeto

Richard: Now, delight is what is humanly possible, given sufficient pure intent obtained from the felicity/ innocuity born of the pure consciousness experience, and from the position of delight, one can vitalise one’s joie de vivre by the amazement at the fun of it all ... and then one can – with sufficient abandon – become over-joyed and move into marvelling at being here and doing this business called being alive now. Then one is no longer intuitively making sense of life ... the delicious wonder of it all drives any such instinctive meaning away. Such luscious wonder fosters the innate condition of naiveté – the nourishing of which is essential if fascination in it all is to occur – and the charm of life itself easily engages dedication to peace-on-earth. Then, as one gazes intently at the world about by glancing lightly with sensuously caressing eyes, out of the corner of one’s eye comes – sweetly – the magical fairy-tale-like paradise that this verdant earth actually is ... and one is the experiencing of what is happening.

But refrain from possessing it and making it your own ... or else ‘twill vanish as softly as it appeared. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, Homepage)

SONYA: I think I had another direct experience again this weekend when I went to visit friends in London. I was in the tube of all places haha, it’s not a very “nice” place and can often feel quite soul crushing. I remember I was just sat reading my book, just enjoying sitting and reading despite the loud noises/ harsh lights/ etc which would usually bother me. I suddenly felt like I was on the edge of something more than my usual experience of feeling good. After a bit of back and forth within myself trying to take that step into the “something more” I remembered that “I” can’t make it happen and the only thing “I” can do is get out the way.

As I got off the train I was dipping in and out of this. I noticed that as soon as “I” would pop up again to try control it/make it my own it would fade away. “I” could never grasp it. Only when I got out of the way was when I was experiencing this directness again.

VINEETO: With such meticulous observation skill you begin to learn how to bring about these direct experiences almost voluntarily, or recognize the atmosphere when they are most likely to happen. Not only are they delightful and wonderfully sensuous, they can inform you, a bit each time, about the qualities of the actual world when ‘I’ am in abeyance.

SONYA: It was definitely less overwhelming then last time and it still took my breathe away but I was having a great time. It went away when I got to my destination and “sonya” had to come back to greet her friends.

VINEETO: Indeed, the territory is a bit more familiar and “less overwhelming” so you can thoroughly enjoy it and explore what else there is to discover when ‘I’ am temporarily absent.

It bodes well for more sensate and sensuous experiences.

Cheers Vineeto

October 25 2025

SONYA: I’ve been really enjoying my drive into work and back home lately. The sunsets and sunrises around this time of the year are marvellous and take my breath away each time. Each sunset/sunrise is different but always a joy to witness.

How lovely it is that I can sit in a warm car, driving to a work that I have fun with, enjoying and appreciating this world. I’m finding less and less “reasons” and “validations” to be anything other than enjoying and appreciating this moment.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

This is splendid that you can not only deeply enjoy “sunsets and sunrises” but also have fun at your work. When you are feeling good most of the time it is easy to pay attention to the few times when there is a diminishment of it and take note of the trigger before returning to feeling good.

Richard: The wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom from the human condition is marked by enjoyment and appreciation – the sheer delight of being as happy and harmless as is humanly possible whilst remaining a ‘self’ – and the slightest diminishment of such felicity/ innocuity is a warning signal (a flashing red light as it were) that one has inadvertently wandered off the way.

One is thus soon back on track ... and all because of everyday events. (This Moment of Being Alive).

Then later on you can contemplate on the reason for the trigger and make whatever changes in a habit, an attitude or a belief to make sure this particular event will not trigger a diminishment of feeling good again.

It’s such fun to be a detective to one’s own hidden secrets.

Cheers Vineeto

October 28 2025

SONYA: Hi Vineeto,

I noticed in the past I would always get stuck trying to “explain” the feeling away which always lead to me going around in circles or eventually solidifying the feeling by some sort of mental gymnastics to feel validated for feeling bad. I noticed that because I am a feeling being I will always be invested in keeping the bad feelings around. But getting myself back to feeling good first before investigating anything helped immensely, it also made me realise that if it’s that easy to get back to feeling good, is there any sensible reason to remain feeling bad? Or keeping going back to that feeling? It isn’t a nice feeling at all. From feeling good it is much easier and clearer to sort through whatever triggered me.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

Ah, this message is music to my ears, and would have been to Richard too. The actualism method is indeed not “more complicated” than this. Of course, you look at the trigger once you are back to feeling good to determine how to avoid falling for the same trigger next time. Sometimes it is as easy as nipping the upcoming habitual ‘feeling slightly bad’ in the bud and sometimes it needs some digging to find the underlying cause. But it is obvious that it is always your choice how you feel – no one can make you feel bad unless you allow them to.

Respondent: You have a pithy phrase of your own here, but the basic investigation which is HEAVY ...

Richard: The sincere application of the actualism method is light and airy ... in a word: fun.
Respondent: ... and not easy at all ...

Richard: The sincere application of the actualism method is indeed easy ... dead easy, in fact.

(…)

Respondent: What actually happened in the beginning?

Richard: What happened for the identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body on the first of January 1981 (the day ‘he’ first put the method ‘he’ devised into practice) was so amazing for ‘him’ that ‘he’ said to ‘his’ then wife that ‘he’ had discovered the secret to life ... ‘he’ would go on to say it was so easy to feel happy and harmless for 23 hours 59 minutes of the day (an arbitrary figure) that ‘he’ wondered why it had never been done before. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 92, 17 June 2005)

And when you say “is there any sensible reason to remain feeling bad?” and find that “it isn’t a nice feeling at all” so may also discover that feeling good feelings, “the affectionate and desirable emotions and passions (those that are loving and trusting)” are ultimately not nice feelings either because they lead to a lot of complications, disclosed contracts and obligations. The reason is that the basic survival instincts (the instinctual passions) are the source of both ‘good feelings’ and ‘bad feelings’.

Jonathan:

[Richard]: What actualism – the wide and wondrous path to actual freedom – is on about is a ‘virtual freedom’ (which is not to be confused with cyber-space’s ‘virtual reality’) wherein the ‘good’ feelings – the affectionate and desirable emotions and passions (those that are loving and trusting) are minimised along with the ‘bad’ feelings – the hostile and invidious emotions and passions (those that are hateful and fearful) – so that one is free to feel good, feel happy and feel perfect for 99% of the time. I make this very clear in my writing: [snip]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 4, 19 February 1999).

What I am reading here is, ‘good feelings along with bad feelings are minimized so that one is free to feel good feelings and thereby make a PCE more likely. Could you clarify?

Richard: Sure ... the [quote] ‘good’ [endquote] feelings mentioned are the affectionate and desirable emotions and passions (those that are loving and trusting) and the [quote] ‘bad’ [endquote] feelings mentioned are the hostile and invidious emotions and passions (those that are hateful and fearful) whereas feeling good/ feeling happy/ feeling perfect are the felicitous and innocuous feelings (those that are delightful and harmonious).

Jonathan: So the meditation practices blow the affectionate and desirable emotions and passions up larger than life?

Richard: That is one way of putting it ... the spiritualisation process involved is essentially one of sublimation and transcendence.

Jonathan: What do they do with the felicitous ones?

Richard: As a generalisation: the felicitous (and innocuous) feelings are not experienced in their own right but are subsumed under the ‘good’ feelings ... felicity (and innocuity), rather than being the delightful experience of sensuosity and sensuality, then comes from feeling loving and compassionate (for instance).
A conditional happiness, in other words, dependent upon the ascendancy of the ‘good’ feelings. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Jonathan, 5 January 2006)

SONYA: It was also helpful for me to realise that I am being my feelings. Realising that means that there is something I can do about it. It isn’t like anger or sadness descends upon me with no involvement from me. I’m also getting better at sitting with whatever feeling I am experiencing, rather than expressing or repressing. Sitting with the feeling to observe it has helped me be able to easily and quickly identify it, realising it isn’t really made of anything substantial and it is much more fun to feel good. It’s not so scary now knowing that I can do something about it whenever I want to.

And yes I am noticing that I am having much more fun with digging around what’s going on. Whereas in the past it was almost like “nope I don’t want to look at it!” and trying to will it away.

VINEETO: Ha, this is great. Looking under one’s bonnet is meant to be fun. Now that you know experientially that you can do something about it – and also that when you resolved it, it is gone – you’ll be more and more enticed to increasingly find out what is occasionally preventing from feeling good and feeling excellent. That’s how you stand on your own feet, now that you realised that “it isn’t like anger or sadness descends upon me”. It indicates success with enjoying life and nothing succeeds like success.

What a grand time to be alive, isn’t it?

Cheers Vineeto

October 31 2025

SONYA: Hi Vineeto,

Thanks for the reply. I think I’ve pretty much got the hang of identifying the bad feelings and getting back to feeling good. However, I have noticed that the good feelings are a little trickier for me to catch. Or actually, I do notice the good feelings but I am more likely to keep them around and not look into them. It seems to be easier for me to acknowledge that it isn’t sensible to feel bad.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

You are welcome.

It is natural to first want to minimise the bad feelings because they stand out when not feeling good. However, when you examine the good feelings more closely you discover that they are merely the other side of the coin in that they all are rooted in the instinctual passions – either to ameliorate, keep in check and pacify the savage instinctual passion, or have strings attached that interfere with free enjoyment and appreciation. Ultimately it’s the good which keeps the bad in place.

SONYA: Lately, to help me differentiate between feeling good and good feelings, I ask myself if I am being caring.

VINEETO: Indeed, being caring and considerate are aspects of being harmless. However the word “caring” in the real world is generally synonymous with feeling caring, i.e. giving out affective vibes of caring, sympathy and compassion, together with or even instead of practical caring.

RESPONDENT: Richard, I am currently perplexed about ‘caring’. You distinguish between ‘feeling caring’ and ‘actually caring’. I think I understand the distinction for the most part – ‘feeling caring’ is caring based upon emotion – ‘feeling’ that one cares, and ‘actually caring’ is something that happens ONLY in a PCE or when one is actually free. Now, this results in the somewhat shocking statement that the only people who actually care are those in pure consciousness.

RICHARD: Aye, it can indeed be a shock to realise that, for all the protestations of being caring, no one trapped in the human condition actually cares. However, apart from galvanising one into action, it is a liberating realisation as it releases one from the bonds that tie.

There are always strings attached in affective caring.

RESPONDENT: Now, I don’t want to debate the merits of this for one moment, but I would like to understand it better. For example, just how is it that ‘feeling-caring’ is an ‘illusion of caring?’

RICHARD: In saying ‘to create the illusion of caring’ (and ‘to create the illusion of intimacy’) I am referring to generating the false impression, or the deceptive appearance, of being caring (and being intimate) because of the reality which underpins all human interaction ... as the following passage where the quote comes from clearly shows:

• [Co-Respondent]: ‘Richard, I’m going to let my light out from under the bushel and tell you what I see: You are still ‘crazy’, and I still have affection and/or compassion for you.
• [Richard]: ‘As I am a person devoid of either latent or active enmity, I require no restorative affection whatsoever to create the illusion of intimacy in my human interactions. And as I am also a person devoid of either latent or active sorrow, I require no antidotal compassion whatsoever to create the illusion of caring. Thus, in an actual freedom, intimacy is not dependent upon cooperation. I experience an actual intimacy – a direct experiencing of the other – twenty four hours of the day irrespective of the other’s affection and/or compassion ... or mood swings. (Richard, List B, No. 19b, 22 November 1999).

Thus the feeling of caring (and the feeling of intimacy) is the antidote for feeling uncaring (and the restorative for feeling separate) and, as such, has a causal basis – meaning it has a dependant nature – resulting in an inevitable instability.

Whereas actually caring (and an actual intimacy) cannot be switched off ... ever.

RESPONDENT: Is it an illusion of ‘Actual caring?’

RICHARD: Yes, it is a synthetic substitute for actually caring (or an actual intimacy) ... an ersatz surrogate born out of the instinctual passions.

RESPONDENT: It seems to me that feeling caring is caring on some level – since caring-for is actually happening. For example, take a mother who breast feeds her child – she may be ‘feeling-caring’ – therefore, under the illusion that she is actually caring for her child – yet the child is actually being taken care of – which isn’t an illusion at all.

RICHARD: There is a difference between feeling care and taking care – you are mixing the sentiment of care with the action of care – wherein the former is a fancy and the latter is a fact. In other words, you are confounding the affective experience of care with the physical activity of care ... which is not what is meant by the expression ‘feeling caring’ as contrasted to the expression ‘actually caring’. To experience being caring as a feeling (born of separation) is a far cry from the experience of being caring as an actuality (sans separation).

Feeding an infant’s feelings along with the food corrupts the action of caring.

(…)

RESPONDENT: Yet it seems that you may want to push it further and say that all feeling caring is only an illusion of caring – this is what I don’t understand.

RICHARD: No, I am not pushing your distinction further ... the distinction I talk of is in another category.

RESPONDENT: It also seems you are saying that in some sense ‘I’ cannot actually care about anything or anyone else?

RICHARD: No, what I am saying is that ‘I’ cannot experience the actuality of being caring ... ‘I’ can only experience the feeling of being caring. For example, the last time I visited my biological parents (1984) I was told ‘we worry about you’ ... which fretful feeling of apprehension/ anxiety is, to them, being caring.

They mean well, of course, as do most people.

RESPONDENT: What is happening when I do ‘take care of’ other people and things?

RICHARD: Well, things and other people do get taken care of – it is remarkable what is achieved despite all the hindrances – but it is the motivating factor which muddies the waters and undermines the result.

Also, what is known as ‘compassion fatigue’ can happen as well.

RESPONDENT: Are you saying this only happens in a selfish sort of way? That all feeling caring is selfish – therefore not really caring at all?

RICHARD: I would rather say ‘self’-centred than ‘selfish’ ... when someone is touched by another’s suffering, as in being moved sufficiently to stimulate caring action, it is their own suffering which is being kindled and quickened. Thus feelings are being aroused, which motivate the activity of caring, and taking care of the other works to assuage the aroused feelings (as well as working to help the other of course).

Shall I put it this way? They are missing-out on experiencing the actuality of the caring action, the helpful activity itself, which is taking place. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 27d, 18 November 2002).

Perhaps you understand from the above correspondence that caring has various aspects – hence being considerate (including being considerate of the consequences of your words and actions) is perhaps a better indicator for being harmless.

SONYA: So, for example, the other day my boss tried to catch one of us out because she found an empty crisp packet in the wrong bin (it was in the food waste bin rather than the other waste bin). Very confidently she asked which one of us had done this. I could sense she was quite ready to shame one of us. Turns out it was herself since I remembered and reminded her that she did in fact have salt and vinegar crisps the day before. She did very quickly retracted her readiness to chastise and I could sense she felt rather humiliated. In that moment I felt proud, a bit smug myself. Of course I only felt these good feelings at the expense of another fellow human being feeling humiliated so being those good feelings was clearly seen to be not caring. I noticed that quite quickly and felt a pang of guilt. Writing this now I am brought to the realisation on how sneaky I can be. There I was, being the exact same way my boss was, in a matter of seconds I threw away feeling good for the good feelings with no care or consideration.

VINEETO: Well spotted, your feeling of glee (feeling “proud”) was not harmless and the affective vibes you automatically emanated with your feelings were inevitably transmitted to your boss and the others in the room. The more attentive you are to your feelings the more you discover the finer nuances, which interfere with being happy and harmless.

SONYA: Another one of the good feelings I’ve noticed pops up quite often is the feeling of belonging. I think the feeling of belonging isn’t caring. It means that you belong to a group and by that exclude others that don’t belong to your group. There’s a Taylor Swift song called “You’re on your own kid” that always makes me well up. Essentially it’s about the feeling of needing and wanting to belong. That is the other side of belonging, being lonely. So ultimately, to free myself from being lonely (bad feeling), I will also have to free myself from belonging (good feeling). I think hahaha. I’m kinda just writing and trying to figure it out at the same time.

VINEETO: Exactly. The feeling of belonging is a two-edged sword. You seek to belong so as to not feel lonely, and yet you find that there are various strings attached in order to belong. In fact, you can almost call such strings (unwritten) social contracts because you have to behave in a certain way in order to belong. We have touched on it briefly before, when you talked about not being able to talk about the feeling of love with your girlfriends the way they do, for instance –

Sonya: I think it’s more in relation with other women and leaving the sisterhood behind, I sometimes feel like my friends are speaking a different language and I sometimes feel sad or awkward I can’t join in on the conversation. There’s a fear that I won’t be fun or interesting anymore. (Sonya’s Journal 3 July 2025).

Feeling connected is also part of belonging –

Sonya: Yes, I think this is the nurture aspect coming in for me. I still feel nurturing to Kuba, if he is happy then I am happy, if he is upset, I’ll be upset (luckily he is very rarely upset nowadays) and I tend to lean more towards doing things that make him happy first. Of course, I enjoy cooking/ baking foods that he likes or giving him a pedicure/ manicure and that doesn’t have to stop but it’s the feeling of nurturing him that’s the issue. Haha I see it a bit more now, it’s very one-sided. On my side, I’m playing the nurturing game, ‘taking care’ of him etc. On his side he’s just enjoying some warm brownies and nice cuticles. And I am holding on to this feeling of connection and being connected so I can still play the nurture game! (Sonya’s Journal 3 July 2025).

There is a deeper reason why the feeling of belonging is so important for every feeling being –

Richard: It is more than likely that ‘the need to belong’ arises from the herd instinct – gregariousness runs deep – with layer upon layer of socialisation compounding this primal urge. The very first thing to do is separate out needs from urges (desires): unless one is living as a hermit off nuts and berries deep in a remote forest one needs one’s fellow human beings for a whole raft of things (I need a shopkeeper to sell me goods as much as a shopkeeper needs me to sell goods to for example) and the most fundamental needs amount to five survival essentials ... air, water, food, shelter (if protection be necessary), and clothing (if the weather be inclement).

Thus a starving need for ‘acceptance, love, belonging’ would be better described as a starving desire for ‘acceptance, love, belonging’ as it does not take long to work out that one does not need the shopkeeper (for example) to dish out ‘acceptance, love, belonging’ along with the small change ... indeed a modern-day super-mart employee more often than not is obliged to chant the ubiquitous ‘thank you for shopping at x-mart’ dirge rather than it being a pleasantry arising out mutual regard.

Why then the desire for ‘acceptance, love, belonging’ (and thus the collapsing defence mechanisms)?

There is more to it than the hereditarily programmed gregarian urge, of course, as the basic instinctual passions in general, such as fear and aggression and nurture and desire, automatically form themselves into a feeling ‘being’ ... which is who ‘I’ am at root (‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being is ‘being’ itself). And any ‘me’ (a genetically encoded passionate inchoate ‘presence’ or rudimentary survival ‘self’ as it were) is an alien identity forever locked-out of paradise (the source of sorrow, by the way, but that is another story) desiring validation from all the other alien identities.

Put simply: ‘acceptance, love, belonging’ verifies, endorses, and consolidates ‘me’ ... and not only am ‘I’ thus authenticated, sanctioned, and substantiated but ‘my’ presence has meaning as well. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 42, 29 April 2003)

There is more, perhaps eye-opening, correspondence here (Richard, Selected Correspondence, The Need to Belong)

Another one of the good feelings is desire, and Chrono has described his own investigation into sexual desire –

Richard: A general rule of thumb is: if it is a preference it is a self-less inclination; if it is an urge it is a self-centred desire. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, 25d, 14 January 2004)

Chrono: This has been a very helpful approach. Looking at if it’s an urge or a preference. I see now how chasing the ‘high’ that comes from allowing the libidinous drive is very much insanity. It’s a dead-end and goes in circles. It never ends and nothing ever gets solved. However, there is also the feeling accompanying the contemplation of abandoning it that I would “miss out” on something. There’s some inherent belief to libido that it’s needed for something very important in its expression. To keep following it. But it is at root, unintelligent. Now it’s a matter of weakening its stranglehold and drive by declining each time.

I’ve been trying to look at it as sincerely as possible. Even indulging in the libidinous urge to see what is exactly happening. There is a positive hedonic tone and I never found a reason to abandon it before. Seeing it now though the aspect that really stands out is the ‘drive’ of it. It’s simply a race to orgasm. The experience lacks autonomy and is not of a free enjoyment nor of an equitable intimacy. (Chrono’s Journal, 13 October 2025)

There are more ‘good’ feelings such as other loving and trusting feelings like hope, compassion, gratitude and faith, but that can be a topic for another time.

Cheers Vineeto