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(List D refers to Richard’s List D Vineeto’s Correspondence with Kuba on Discuss Actualism Forum
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, Thank you for sharing this, it’s both an encouraging read in that ‘Vineeto’ did in fact succeed and also a reminder of the fact that I do not have forever as Alan did not succeed. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Indeed it is always sobering when someone who had once aspired to become actually free dies, because death is the end. It was Richard’s first comment when we heard the news: "he died without becoming actually free". ‘Vineeto’ kept persistently following pure intent and the journey became easier and much clearer, as you can see in ‘her’ later correspondences and ‘her’ final manumission. KUBA: The map making and the approval seeking (in fact I was making maps and then seeking for you to approve them) was likely a way to find some kind of an anchor in this at times weird adventure. But the salient point here is that you cannot approve of ‘me’ or ‘my’ machinations. And even if you did it would lead ‘me’ exactly round in circles anyways. VINEETO: It took me indeed a while until I understood that you were merely making maps with insufficient intent to put them into action, most likely, as you said, a hangover from your spiritual practices and equivalent template. So I finally stopped contributing to you going in circles and ceased writing. You have to find your own way in your own time. KUBA: Things are different now, cleaner and calmer, like a
storm has passed. The genuine anchor which is pure intent is becoming available, not at all times yet but I do come
back to it, and it is never too far away it seems. VINEETO: That’s good to hear. I wish you enjoyment and appreciation in the doing of it. * For some light-hearted pause, here is an excellent report I found in ‘Vineeto’s’ correspondence, what happens when one applies physics to metaphysics – (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, 17.11.1998). And another amusing find –
Cheers Vineeto
ANDREW: I remind myself often of this “no
preconditions” assertion, for obvious reasons. It would be a decisive blow to all doubts if the mystery woman of
the subcontinent had anything to say about her experience. VINEETO to Andrew: You can also look at it thisaway – you want to be actually free because you don’t like being here – KUBA: Ah this makes sense now, if ‘I’ am treating actual freedom as a desperate escape plan for ‘me’ then it is merely a self-centred involvement borne of ‘my’ resentment to being here, its selfism driving the attempt and so it is bound to go round in circles. As Richard wrote – “Only altruism – self-sacrificial humanitarianism – will provide the enormous
energy necessary for ‘self’-immolation”. When gloomy and grumpy ‘I’ am certainly not concerned with much else other than ‘me’. I
find that ongoing felicity and innocuity does naturally engage dedication to peace on earth, it broadens the scope of
‘my’ caring and it demonstrates/ reminds ‘me’ just how precious the end of suffering – for all – is. Hi Andrew, hi Kuba, I like to expand on this topic of Richard saying “when the conditions
are ripe, magic happens” Richard expanded on the “no condition” elsewhere –
So why does not everyone become actually free instantly as has apparently happened for “the mystery woman of the subcontinent”? It is simple – the actual world is already here, has always been and will always be. It becomes apparent when ‘I’/ ‘me’ go temporarily in abeyance. Ergo – ‘I’/ ‘me’, the passionate, imaginary identity needs to disappear/ voluntarily go extinct for the Terra Actualis to become apparent permanently. However, when you wonder why it ‘you’ don’t disappear/ voluntarily go extinct tomorrow or the day after because it is such a good *idea*, consider what, of your own free will, you are intending to leave behind – all your hopes and doubts and fears, your hostile feelings as well as your loving and trusting feelings, all of your beliefs and trusted concepts, your grand castles made of imagination, your (borrowed) standards of right and wrong, good and bad and your sense of ‘being’ someone. Recognizing the scope, be friendly and kind towards yourself, and enjoy and appreciate every instant when your intelligence and your intent to be more felicitous and more innocuous gives you a greater range of freedom to do so and be so. And be aware that you are not alone in this grandest of adventures in your life –
The “the enormous energy necessary for ‘self’-immolation”, provided by altruism “when the conditions are ripe” is required because of the powerful passionate energy of the self-survival instinct.
There are no conditions how to bring this about, how slowly or instantly, it is entirely in ‘your’ hands. Everyone is a pioneer in this exhilarating, sometimes thrilling adventure of engendering this new epoch in human consciousness. Richard also commented during Dona and Alan’s visit –
And here is what you can do in the meantime, because –
Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: It is simple – the actual world is already here, has always been and will always be. It becomes apparent when ‘I’/ ‘me’ go temporarily in abeyance. Ergo – ‘I’/ ‘me’, the passionate, imaginary identity needs to disappear/ voluntarily go extinct for the Terra Actualis to become apparent permanently. However, when you wonder why it ‘you’ don’t disappear/ voluntarily go extinct tomorrow or the day after because it is such a good idea, consider what, of your own free will, you are intending to leave behind – all your hopes and doubts and fears, your hostile feelings as well as your loving and trusting feelings, all of your beliefs and trusted concepts, your grand castles made of imagination, your (borrowed) standards of right and wrong, good and bad and your sense of ‘being’ someone. KUBA: I remember the first few months of my involvement with actualism I wrote a post about how I found myself in such a weird situation. It was as if ‘my’ whole life ‘I’ had been stuck in this dark and cold cave with monsters all around, and now with actualism I found a way out of the cave where light was shining and where freedom was located. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, When ‘Vineeto’ met Richard and, after a short time, especially after her first memorable PCE, determined that this was indeed what ‘she’ had been looking for all ‘her’ life, ‘she’ wanted to learn all ‘she’ could do to achieve ‘her’ goal. It didn’t matter that it was entirely new to human consciousness, that was the thrilling part. ‘She’ had already left main-stream values behind by a large extent when ‘she’ pursued enlightenment in a spiritual commune, at the time something quite uncommon, i.e. crazy, in the West and as such a ‘weird’ pursuit. So, discovering that this spiritual ‘summum bonum’ of human consciousness was not the ultimate after all – that there is perfection and purity right here – ‘she’ came to the decision, after some months of deliberation and gestation, that this was the only worthwhile enterprise to wholeheartedly devote ‘her’ life to. Once the perspective was clear, the ‘weirdness’ and ‘perversion’ of the human condition were seen as par for the course – after all, an actual freedom is entirely new to human consciousness. Of course, ‘she’ encountered many doubts and fears, but these were also par for the course. Nobody but Richard had succeeded in living it 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year. ‘Vineeto’ was at first surprised that none of ‘her’ previous seeker friends were interested in something infinitely better than enlightenment but not deterred. It was only the beginning of discovering that many more people objected to actualism. Their objections ultimately only confirmed why nobody else had discovered and lived an actual freedom before. Like you said “I found a way out of the cave where light was shining and where freedom was located”. KUBA: And ‘I’ was looking at the way out from within the cave and ‘I’ found ‘myself’ perversely addicted to remaining! That dark, cold cave with monsters all around was ‘my’ home, it was where (through a bizarre instinctual passionate logic) ‘safety’ was apparently located. And it is such a weird scenario, because there are now people outside of that cave, such as yourself, waving a flag, and to top it all off they have also gentrified the way out of the cave so that it is not perilous. And ‘we’ know all this and yet in the cave ‘we’ remain! The addiction to ‘being’ i.e. suffering is quite something. VINEETO: Of course, at first from the perspective from within the “cave”, after first glimpses of the actual world, it all looks “weird” and ‘me’ being “perversely addicted”. That’s why a mere conceptual assessment is not enough – you need the ongoing experiential confirmation that not only is an actual freedom what you want to have but that it is what you want to be. With this clarity the perspective shifts to a down-to-earth action to imitate the actual and make this the number one priority of your life, practically and pragmatically. [Editor’s note: as an identity ‘I’ cannot be actually free but to the best of my abilities ‘I’ can imitate the actual until ‘I’ am willing to concur to ‘my’ demise]. Then your evaluation won’t be from the all-or-nothing frame of reference as in “yet in the cave ‘we’ remain” but how much better your life has already become despite not having become actually free yet. ‘Vineeto’ experienced too that ‘she’ often had difficulties giving up this or that feeling or fervently held conviction or moral injunction, that so many others held to be the true reality, inherited from the common-to-all human condition. But that was not the main issue – these obstacles were, one by one, persistently overcome and only increased ‘her’ confidence that the actualism method worked. And as such ‘she’ never concluded that “‘we’ know all this and yet in the cave ‘we’ remain” – there was no “‘we’”, as in everyone else – there was instead the overarching intent to be the pioneer ‘she’ had committed ‘herself’ to be, and determinately pursue ‘her’ destiny. What is the point in bewailing “the addiction to ‘being’ i.e. suffering” when you can do something practical to diminish this addiction? You already know how ‘to get down to brass tacks’, as they say –
And two weeks later –
And four days ago –
I singled out those quotes of yours because here you describe applying the actualism method – and the confidence you gain from success. Here is how ‘Vineeto’ described ‘her’ own practice in 2005 –
Only when you fall back into your previous habit of “lofty thoughts,
profound feelings and psychic adumbrations” KUBA: And ‘we’ know all this and yet in the cave ‘we’ remain! The addiction to ‘being’ i.e. suffering is quite something. VINEETO: Yet the moment you remember to appreciate – anything and everything about being alive in this moment, as a pioneer in this brand-new era of human consciousness – look what happens – KUBA: I am immensely appreciative of what has been done thus far by fellow human beings
to arrive at this current situation. Being the next to “step out” is of course the best thing that ‘I’ can do for humankind. VINEETO: And a day later – KUBA: What gay abandon is, what naiveté is, is the antithesis to control and insecurity, those are literally 2 opposite directions to travel. The need for control is borne of ‘my’ fundamental insecurity, all of ‘my’ best schemes are backed by anxiety, the very need to have those schemes is fear in motion, it is ‘me’ building ‘my’ glass houses from the ‘safety’ of ‘my’ hiding place. Whereas naiveté and gay abandon is the undoing of the need for control in the first place. That fundamental insecurity is somehow nowhere to be found when naive, like ‘I’ have just willingly kicked down the walls of ‘my’ hiding place and ‘I’ find delight and freedom as opposed to danger. That game of ‘danger’ and ‘safety’ that ‘I’ was playing is then seen to be over nothing, an instinctual passionate drama. Meanwhile there is now wonder all around and no danger in sight. Ha I am reminded of what Richard wrote (paraphrasing) that whilst everyone was huddling around
the fire ‘he’ had gone out into the darkness of the night – where apparently monsters were to be found – and
‘he’ discovered it to be a delight! VINEETO: What a thrilling and utterly rewarding adventure. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, VINEETO: What is the point in bewailing “the addiction to ‘being’ i.e.
suffering” when you can do something practical to diminish this addiction? You already know how ‘to
get down to brass tacks’, as they say. KUBA: Hehe yes I do know how to “get down to brass tacks”
in fact I have used this practical knowledge recently to push into new territory, which is fabulous!
A few days ago I realised that although I did a good job of exploring, investigating and diminishing the “human constitution” I nevertheless stopped each time right when the “lid was off” and ‘I’ was experienced where ‘I’ am forever threatened, where the core of ‘me’ as an instinctual ‘being’ is seen. In fact what I see clearly now is that all the armchair philosophising and steeple chasing (anything
but doing) was exactly that, a way to avoid seeing ‘myself’ were ‘I’ am forever threatened. And it’s
actually quite impressive what efforts ‘I’ went to in order to prevent the bright light of awareness from being
cast on the innermost recesses of ‘my’ being. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, What a marvellous report. I find it fascinating that you were only able to venture into the further,
frightful regions of the psyche after you had irrevocably abandoned “armchair philosophising and steeple
chasing” as viable alternatives. Imagination can provide this “ethereal/ non-existent/ imagined
target of projected perfection” as Felix so aptly called it A genuine transition from the old spiritually-instilled ‘it’s-all-in-your-mind’ paradigm needs
to be consciously abandoned to “get down to brass tacks”, in other words, to enter the down-to-earth wide
and wondrous path. (I just thought I put in a plug for the first four words on the Actual Freedom homepage KUBA: So I proceeded into the “frightful place” of the psyche haha, not as a “one and done” situation but with the intent on maintaining a fascinated attention, to explore every nook and cranny of the very depths of ‘my’ being. I thought to myself that I have been tasked with the job of painting the most realistic image of the depths of ‘my’ psyche. I can certainly see why nerves of steel and daring are needed, at first it was as if I would go mad or collapse into an incoherent mess and yet once the storm calmed down somewhat I realised that 1 – These are passions and calentures not facts. 2 – These affective storms leave no emotional scars. In fact I found that after these deep explorations it would be as if someone just wiped a grimy window and now more freedom and more perfection and purity was shining through. VINEETO: This is a very worthwhile observation for any daring pioneer –
One could call your present enterprise “grime-cide”, and when it gets out, there will be plenty of activists who will mount a fervent protest campaign. If you find this unlikely here is something Peter reported in 2000 –
Joking aside, keep in mind that you are not fighting or coercing your psyche but bringing about a cheerful and willing concurrence to ‘your’ long-yearned-for oblivion. KUBA: So I have succeeded where I failed time and time again in the past, I have stepped forward exactly where I would usually turn around. And I know from direct experience now that it is safe to proceed. Since daring to experience the “frightful place of the psyche” I have found myself more and
more in this wondrous “no man’s land”, it is not Terra Actualis but it is certainly not reality anymore.
And I find myself in this wondrous place without the affective storms getting in the way, or when they do come up
they become just another opportunity for ‘me’ to be seen even clearer. VINEETO: This is simply amazing, wonderful, mirificent – I am grinning from ear to ear with delight at your success. I remember Pamela describing this period as being better than her 5-months PCE –
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Driving to London again so I thought I would do a little report whilst Sonya is behind the wheel. There has been so much going on recently that I don’t think I could chronicle everything but I will note the main things. A few days ago I saw that the next step in the direction I was proceeding was to abandon hope. It took daring for sure, it meant no more “redemptive straws”, only extinction ahead. I found though that without hope, despair also took its leave. Without hope and despair to maintain ‘me’ I have found myself pulled ever closer to my destiny, which is more and more experienced to be right under my nose. This is what is different now, that before the “no man’s land” was experienced almost with a hint of eerie, an alien land where nothing familiar to ‘me’ existed. Whereas now it is more along the lines of what Srinath wrote – that this magical (actual) world is our rock solid inheritance. So there has been a lot of wondrous contemplation along these lines as well as experientially coming closer and closer to the destination. It’s funny that in the past I was so hell bent on trying to reduce actuality into a bite sized intellectual package, one that I could copy and paste here and there. But this is missing out on the main event, which is the actual living of it, and how could I possibly place all this wonder into a neat little package anyways. There has been some choppy waters and ‘I’ have come in to spoil things here and there, but it seems I have been able to take all this into my stride and carry on proceeding, and things have only been getting more and more wondrous. In fact this what I am living now is so worth all that I did in order to arrive here, and not even as a step along some map but as a wondrous adventure in itself. It looks like all the “rehearsing” I did over the past year was not a time wasted either, as I have been able to successfully orient myself in this new territory. But back then I did not want to be on the ride, the resistance was completely unpalatable. Whereas this what is happening now, I would not have it any other way. And it’s something that has to be lived, the wonder and the enjoyment and appreciation possible. As a side note I notice that this wondrous enjoyment and appreciation is anhedonic, which means that it can be completely off the scales and yet it can never be too much. It looks like all the various things which could possibly be in place, are in place. I find no
compulsion for the doer to come in and to try to force it to happen. As Richard said only the utter fullness can do
it. What ‘I’ have left to do is to give permission (joyfully and wholeheartedly), to allow it to happen. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Great to hear from you. You seem to be having a grand time. I am reminded of Peter saying quite fittingly in the Actual Freedom Library, Hope –
Of course, there are no ‘Actual Freedom Trust offices’ but the call to “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here” is applicable for every actualist at a certain stage in their process, and what a benefit has it been to you! I am also reminded of another quote which I had already sent you before, but perhaps you can now obtain some additional experiential benefit from it –
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto and Adam-H,
Wow what an incredible description. When I read this it was the word spontaneously that caught my attention. I read your response to Chrono just before and the quote you provided from Richard explains this spontaneous felicity and innocuity every moment of one’s life :
Certainly not just a difference in degree haha! I have experienced recently that there is an unbelievable perfection and purity, and it happens without any input from ‘me’, it is here already. When ‘I’ get out of the way then it is seen that the entire world is like this and it is all happening already, of its own accord. Which explains the below a little more :
It’s because that perfection and purity has got nothing to do with
‘me’, ‘I’ can only spoil it by getting involved. ‘I’ allow this perfection and purity – which is
already here – by getting out of the way. ‘I’ am not needed at all to maintain or generate it, and this is
perhaps the thing that can take so long for ‘me’ to fully comprehend and accept. VINEETO: Dear Kuba, I can’t resist answering – YES, it is so, “that ‘I’ am only standing in the way of it”. Such a simple matter once you apperceptively know it – and yet it can take half a life-time to experientially see it and concede it. Cheers and appreciation. Vineeto
ANDREW: The fascinating bit will be what remains after becoming
free? VINEETO: Hi Andrew, It is indeed a fascinating inquiry of what remains after becoming free. There is little to add to what Kuba wrote at this point in your inquiry. If you read more of Richard’s writing, his journal and his correspondences, you will understand quite a bit of what disappears, it is in fact the whole of the psychological and the psychic faculty/ entity including those chemical processes which are triggered by this faculty/ entity. As Kuba said, Richard’s selected correspondence on sanity, insanity and salubriousness can give you some better understanding when read with a naïve attitude. It would save you a lot of searching around in the psychological/ psychiatric text-books for possible physical causes of your emotional/ psychological condition – unless you are specifically searching for a reason why change is not possible/ not desirable or not necessary, in order to allow you (in all good conscience) to continue your life-long habit of merely following your feelings no matter what the consequences for your well-being (and possibly that of others), instead of applying common sense whenever your mood dips below feeling good. But you had indicated in the post I replied to yesterday * KUBA: On the flight back from China I read through Richard’s correspondence on sanity, it was a very fascinating read actually, with the main takeaway being that actual freedom is completely outside of that sanity-insanity paradigm. Of course when viewed from within the real world paradigm it was classified as a severe psychotic disorder in Richard’s case. But the point being that what I saw (again) in the PCE the other day is that the actual world is a completely new world. ‘I’ exist somewhere in the psyche, ‘my’ world along with the various classifications of where ‘I’ exist within its boundaries, it all disappears in the PCE. It is not that ‘I’ am inside and the actual world is outside, both ‘inside and outside’ disappear in the PCE and there is only the actual world. Same with regards to time, that ‘I’ exist within the real world time span of past-present-future, which itself exists only in the psyche and in the PCE it disappears altogether. So to cut a long story short – all of ‘me’ as well as the various components of ‘my’ world disappear without a trace in the PCE. As it has been said "nothing dirty can get in" – this is indeed the case. So considering the above it seems rather clear to me that in full actual freedom there would not be a trace of neuro-divergence left. Just who would be diverging from what exactly. 
VINEETO: Hi Kuba, An excellent post (as well as your two follow-up ones It’s marvellous that you can experientially confirm for yourself that "in full actual freedom there would not be a trace of neuro-divergence left". It all disappears as if by magic upon becoming free and then divesting oneself of the remnants of one’s social identity. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, It is nice to hear from you: VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Nice to hear from you too. * VINEETO: An excellent post (as well as your two follow-up ones KUBA: Yes that PCE has turned out to be quite pivotal, it has shown me – without a shadow of a doubt – that the target is completely outside of ‘me’, a different dimension in a sense, to where ‘I’ exist. I think up until now I didn’t see this clearly enough, so there was room to kid myself with imagined targets. That seeing is solidly lodged in my memory and it’s undeniable – there is not a shred of ‘me’ in the actual world. And I have been rememorating this experience, coming close to it again. Although the doing of it is actually out of my hands, in the sense that I find myself spontaneously pulled into the actual world. VINEETO: This is indeed a pivotal experience which, when rememorated, will prevent you from ever again building an imaginary world with ‘you’ as the surviving actor. It literally pulls the carpet from underneath ‘your’ feet – and what a great confidence-boosting and direction-confirming experience that is. KUBA: Today it happened when I ran a bath and just as I got in this shift occurred, and magically I found myself in the world where “nothing dirty can get in”, the perfection and purity was undeniable, and in that experience I as this body am just as clean as the rest of the world. This aspect in particular is so delightful, that there is nothing ‘dirty’ anywhere to be found, not in the world and not in the body. VINEETO: This is amusing in the way you described it – and it is indeed so that utter purity prevails here, of which the feeling of beauty is only a paltry imitation (plus it requires ugliness for comparison). And yet beauty is considered the highest value in the real world, equivalent to truth (Truth) – in spirituality – and in mathematics. KUBA: And the shift, when it happens ‘I’ don’t do it, in an instant all is wiped clean, somehow magically ‘I’ disappear and there is this other world which becomes immediately apparent (there is no lag at all), this world is discovered (yet again) to be right here where it has been the whole time. VINEETO: Yes, it is magic the way it happens in an instant, a demonstration that when ‘you’ disappear the always already existing actuality becomes instantly apparent. KUBA: Interestingly enough none of those intense fears which I
experienced in the past have returned at all, and actually seeing that actuality is completely outside of ‘me’
has diminished any fears further if anything, ‘I’ don’t have to worry about that which is “on the other
side” so to speak, it is nothing to do with ‘me’, the danger exists where ‘I’ remain, that is the risk. VINEETO: It reminds me that I was writing to you on similar lines back in November last year when it was obviously too early to sink in –
A very significant experiential observation that you are now, what Richard described in a private email, on his side of the wall of fear surrounding all of humanity.
Or as Geoffrey put it –
A wonderful place to be … and more to come. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Today it happened when I ran a bath and just as I got in this shift occurred, and magically I found myself in the world where “nothing dirty can get in”, the perfection and purity was undeniable, and in that experience I as this body am just as clean as the rest of the world. This aspect in particular is so delightful, that there is nothing ‘dirty’ anywhere to be found, not in the world and not in the body. VINEETO: This is amusing in the way you described it… KUBA: Lol I did not notice that at all, but it is quite amusing. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, �� * VINEETO: … and it is indeed so that utter purity prevails here, of which the feeling of beauty is only a paltry imitation (plus it requires ugliness for comparison). And yet beauty is considered the highest value in the real world, equivalent to truth (Truth) – in spirituality – and in mathematics. KUBA: So this is the other thing that I can see now, the role that the good feelings played in maintaining the dramas. You wrote to me a while back :
I remember back then I took note of what you said but at the time I just couldn’t quite see how there could be any good feelings in there. But that is the thing with good feelings, they are seductive and as such they can be difficult to see for what they are. I see it clear as day now though, that the bad is indeed kept in place by the good. In fact this is a useful clue in general, that if one’s suspected ‘felicitous and innocuous’ feelings have one swinging from one side to the other then they are good feelings in disguise. Experiencing the utter purity of actuality I now have a solid reference to check whether there are indeed any good feelings going on. VINEETO: You recently discovered one of the major ‘good’ feelings – hope –
This all-encompassing hope, which is the affective aspect of any expectation, ultimately the hope for ‘my’ survival, made the way clear to recognize that only extinction lies ahead and you had willingly, daringly abandoned this hope. Naturally also despair disappeared – there was nothing left worth fighting for, for ‘you’ that is. A wonderful cause for celebration and gay abandon. Here is what Richard says about the ‘good’ feeling of hope –
As you can see hope is indeed a very powerful stumbling block to experience the already always existing perfection, and your daring to abandon it has born excellent results. KUBA: But those good feelings they can be very slippery indeed! VINEETO: Yes, the difficulty in spotting the ‘good’ feelings is because in the beginning one only sets out to rid oneself of the bad feelings of sorrow and fear, and with growing intent of malice. But the ‘good’ feelings are lumped together with enjoyment and even appreciation and it takes some sincere finding out the reasons for dipping below feeling good to discover that the search and attraction to ‘good’ feelings is more often than not the reason for disappointment, resentment, and bitter-sweet sorrow. It was only in his tenth year of enlightenment that Richard discovered the vital role the highly revered ‘good’ feelings played in keeping him from breaking through to an actual freedom –
KUBA: I am reminded of the below :
VINEETO: This is an excellent example where the ‘good’ feeling is preventing you from experiencing the excellence of near-actual intimacy or the perfection and magic of actual intimacy. It requires diligent attentiveness at the start because it is not only instinctually ingrained but also habitually the automatic route to take when being close to your partner. Here is a reminder which might be helpful – [Emphasis added].  (Richard’s Journal, Foreword, p. 16)
KUBA: The good feelings in question were not specifically “love and its affectuous intimacy” in my case but they “slipped in” unnoticed nevertheless. I know now that I am on the right track when I am no longer swinging from one side to the other (from the good to the bad, from hope to despair, from security to insecurity etc) which is exactly what is going on recently. VINEETO: Well observed – it’s because ‘good’ and bad feelings are stemming from the same instinctual source, they are conjoined twins. KUBA: But this is a good warning for others, that one has to be rigorous with regards to the content and quality of one’s affective experience, I mean in my case those good feelings went completely unnoticed, it took quite some time before I was able to pinpoint what was going on. VINEETO: Now that you have become aware of the insidiousness of ‘good’ feelings you can have fun honing your skills to discover them sooner. ‘Vineeto’ found watching movies, especially those feel-good movies, an excellent training ground. KUBA: To summarise the game ‘I’ was playing – ‘I’ was
addicted to being saved, and round and round in circles ‘I’ went. VINEETO: That sums it up well – one at first only transfers ‘the saviour’, or ‘the method’ from one person/ objective to another until one finally realizes that an actual freedom from the whole of the human condition is a different ballgame altogether. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, VINEETO: Now that you have become aware of the insidiousness of ‘good’ feelings you can have fun honing your skills to discover them sooner. ‘Vineeto’ found watching movies, especially those feel-good movies, an excellent training ground. KUBA: Oh yes I have been having fun honing in on this, I am fascinated by the fact that those good feelings, they are right there in all of ‘my’ dramas and indeed ‘humanity’s’ dramas. What a gigantic step to see this, but seeing this has taken the legs out from under those dramas, both the good and the bad was needed to maintain them. At times I had this passing thought – “What is going to be left without those good feelings” in the sense that something precious would be missing, but this is not so at all. Yesterday I had a glimpse of what exists outside of both the good and the bad, and it left me speechless – it is a world filled to the brim with magical anhedonic delight. I am experiencing the flavour of it as I type this message and there is certainly nothing missing haha! VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Indeed, the traditional wisdom is to cover up bad feelings and dullness with good feelings, and, of course, that never works on a permanent basis. The radical, in fact epoch-changing, aspect of Richard’s discovery is when ‘he’ examined the good, holy and highly revered feelings during his enlightenment period – first compassion and love, then the fantasy of the ‘Unborn and Undying’ spiritual dimension, i.e. immortality and with it the eternal hope for the survival of the soul, and finally pacifism, the bastion of both enlightenment and humanism. Then it became eventually blindingly obvious that all of what we call the ‘Good’, determined by ‘good’ feelings, is as much originator and perpetuator of the ‘Bad’ as fear and aggression themselves. One simple example is to observe how many murders are committed justified by love/ jealousy/ possessiveness, and how wars made possible by aggression are coupled with desire for power/ safety and the fierce loyalty of the population. How can one consider loyalty, for example, as something beneficial when this perspective becomes clear! * VINEETO: It was only in his tenth year of enlightenment that Richard discovered the vital role the highly revered ‘good’ feelings played in keeping him from breaking through to an actual freedom –
In all fairness to Richard’s apparently long process of discovery – first, there was no precedent in human history and second there was this ensnarement of enlightenment aggrandising all the ‘good’ feelings and as such the ‘Self’ – hence the long journey of dismantling all of the good feelings. As he said a few times –
KUBA: Yes, this is fascinating – For me too the “last frontier” was ‘the good’, for it had kept the ‘the bad’ in place. I can understand what you mean now when you write :
And the other thing, the proof of the pudding is that I am now
consistently having a great time, for example I noticed a minute ago as I put down the phone to a customer that yet
again it was a benign dealing, it’s all quite easy when ‘I’ am not mucking things up. VINEETO: This is wonderful to read – gone are the days of “the morning
resentments and evening gloom” Just out of curiosity, do you recall which particular discovery, i.e. which of the ‘good’ feelings you investigated, happened to be the turning point to allow you live in this world “filled to the brim with magical anhedonic delight”? Such a wondrous adventure. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: Just out of curiosity, do you recall which particular discovery, i.e. which of the ‘good’ feelings you investigated, happened to be the turning point to allow you live in this world “filled to the brim with magical anhedonic delight”? KUBA: I do remember the turning point where this fully clicked so I will write about this for now. It was during a conversation I had with Sonya (which she agreed for me to post up), I was actually surprised at myself when I said what I said, I discovered it at the same time as the words were said. There was a disagreement, about the fact that I don’t tend to buy Christmas presents or engage in those types of bonding activities. I could see though that the issue for Sonya was far more than the presents themselves. I ascertained immediately that there was a good feeling in there, responsible for the bad that she was experiencing. The issue then became about caring, and whether I care. Some time down the line Sonya mentioned that she cares about us because she cares for our happiness, and yet I could see that the “care for our happiness” was causing her to become upset, something was clearly amiss! That is when it clicked, I saw that in the goal of “our happiness” she had unwittingly allowed nurture/ love to slip into the equation, along with the various expectations, hopes, dreams etc. This is when I said, something to the effect that “can you see that your goal of ”our happiness“ is actually the cause of this current lack of peace and harmony”. Then it was all seen to be back to front, that the pursuit of “our happiness” (good feelings) was actively causing Sonya hurt and actively getting in the way of peace and harmony between us. So this situation was where it all fully clicked, so it was more the outcome rather than the
process. I will see if I can remember more of how this came about because I do remember that even before that –
whilst we were in China – I was already starting to put those things together. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Thank you for this account. It is amazing how this demonstrated for you, and I guess eventually
for her, that the feeling caring, so highly regarded in the real world, always has strings attached and thus spoils
the genuine care that can/ could happen. Many correspondents over the years have attacked Richard and actualists in
general for ‘not caring’ – some are collected in Flogged Misconceptions No. 2
It took ‘Vineeto’ years to get an inkling of what Richard meant by actual caring. When ‘she’ really, experientially, understood the difference, ‘she’ was deeply shocked.
When you will read both posts to Srinath you can see that he too had difficulties wrapping his mind around the difference between feeling caring and actual / near-actual caring. It is not easy to question, let alone abandon, one of the most highly revered bastions of human civilisation. And there no benefit in just giving up caring unless one starts to experience something far better, as Richard demonstrated in the first quote above. It required the very visceral affective energy for ‘Vineeto’ to arrive at the “action which was not of ‘her’ doing”. KUBA: Hmm it appears it might have been belonging, the apparent safety which inheres in its warmth. But this was only an entry point, because the pivotal thing was seeing the very intuitive concept of ‘the good’ for what it is. Which I see now as something like ‘humanity’s’ dirty secret, because of what underpins it. The PCE sealed the deal because neither the good nor the bad exists where ‘I’ am not. But now it is like I cannot unseen it haha! It is everywhere, it is in every one of ‘my’
dramas and every one of ‘humanity’s’ dramas, the battle between good and evil, danger and safety, hope and
despair etc is what keeps ‘humanity’ alive. It is only by going past / abandoning both the good and the bad that
the immaculate perfection and pristine purity of this moment in time and this place in space becomes apparent. This
last sentence takes some courage to write but it is how I experience it to take place exactly. VINEETO: I appreciate your report. I understand why you call the “concept of ‘the
good’” “‘humanity’s’ dirty secret”, in hindsight – one can only see it when one
is outside of ‘good’ and ‘evil’, and, as you say, one cannot make it unseen now that the veil is removed. It
could have been the beginning of all the domino-pieces starting to fall (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK1VPyx0gXg)
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: There is an experiencing happening lately which makes me think of the last of the winter’s frost melting away and the coming of spring with life bursting all around. Except it is those last vestiges of ‘me’ making way for the “utter fullness” [my attempt at a bit of art]. It is very calm too, this is rather pleasing as it was a very intense period of digging and daring which lead to this place. This utter fullness, it not only refers to the world, it also refers to the flesh and blood body called Kuba:
This is what I glimpsed yesterday, that the flesh and blood body called
Kuba has/is an organic integrity, there is a free flowing dignity intrinsic to what he is, whereas ‘I’ can never
be that as ‘I’ am an identity. This is a difference not in degree but in kind, it’s a difference that ‘I’
can never ever possibly make up – this ‘I’ can also see without a shadow of a doubt now. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Ah, this is so wonderful and marvellous to read and it reminds me (of course) of a passage from your favourite book –
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, I really enjoyed this post, it hits on something that I have been observing for a long time and I understand even clearer now. It’s this tendency to want to reduce actualism to a system/ recipe precisely so that ‘I’ don’t have to do anything! It’s putting it all back to front, it’s like if I read of some things that Richard did and then construct a system out of them, and then sit back and wait for change to happen… But the primary thing that Richard did was that he devoted himself completely and obsessively to evincing that which the PCE demonstrated. So the specific things that he did were secondary in that sense, the primary thing was the commitment and the intent. Actually this is also a thing I observed back when I was rock climbing. That there were guys like myself that were just busy with doing the rock climbing, and chipping away at building the skills and eventually reaching a competent level. Then there were the guys that would purchase all the cool climbing gear, they would walk and talk like advanced climbers, they did all the things that good climbers did, and yet they were never competent climbers. They invested all their attention into looking like one but never had the commitment and intent to actually become one. It’s a tendency I have observed a lot, I don’t have a name for it but this is what I see described in your post. Actually I find this fascinating because (without boring anyone with too many details) this is the current discussion which is happening in the BJJ world. Which is the question of whether the sport has evolved primarily because of the systems in place (better technique etc) or because of individuals demonstrating what is possible. It seems that the most important thing is for somebody to demonstrate what is possible, then others will try to make systems out of what they did to get there. But those systems they are created after the fact, they are not what led to the success in the first place. Sooo … Walking the walk is the most important, the specifics are secondary. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Your post makes me grin from ear to ear – you put your finger on a crucial aspect of the human condition – ‘faking it’ and avoid change, and you described it quite well. First an anecdote from real life. A few years ago when following current affairs, the US state of California was in a big political and economic crisis – bankrupt, the governor in major political scandals, illegal immigrants streaming into the state and public unrest looming. What happened? They made a law to ban plastic straws. It’s actually quite humorous though in the black humour way. At the time I thought it was a perfect example of the worst, but quite common, way of ‘solving’ problems – all show and no substance, divert attention and gain popularity without having to fix anything. The British comedy series “Yes Minister” and “Yes, Prime Minister” from the Sixties was a true comedic representation of the struggle between power and popularity, and very educational of the human condition in action. When you think about it, it is also quite natural. ‘Me’, the non-substantial identity, want
affirmation from other, equally non-substantial entities, and pretence is the quickest and cheapest way to get this
affirmation. Given the instinctual survival passions combined with the theory of mind (“Interestingly enough, it
is this last point (deceit) which most of all signals the ‘Theory of Mind’ Actualists experience the same struggle between the potent cunning and deceitful ‘me’ engaged in the survival of the contingent ‘being’ on one side and the honesty of sincere intent and a willingness to do whatever it takes to imitate the actual. To be aware of the stakes may make it easier to whole-heartedly dedicate one’s life to peace on earth in this life-time and act on it. You said it well – “Walking the walk is the most important, the specifics are secondary”. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA:
It is precisely this “dynamism” which is allowed when ‘I’ “leave the keys behind”. I wrote yesterday that this action is extreme for one could be inviting something else but actually I am certain that there is no danger here in terms of going off the rails in any kind of way. The way Richard describes it above is exactly what I have found, that when ‘I’ am living ‘my’ life as the ‘do-er’ this “dynamism” is no more and it’s like a crucial ingredient has been taken away, nothing that ‘I’ can do can make up for it’s lack. This is precisely what I mean that there is nothing attractive about the prospect of ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, because in that place the “dynamism” is lacking. It’s somewhat like living out a “Groundhog Day” over and over. And then when the “dynamism” is active I could be doing anything at all and there is
exactly this lustre, brilliance, vivacity, the very here and now aliveness. It transforms life into a wondrous
adventure which could never ever get boring, it is experiencing life as if a child again. As the ‘do-er’ ‘my’
life is static and as the ‘be-er’ this moment is dynamic. The other fascinating thing which I experienced yesterday when contemplating all this is that this moment is eternal whereas ‘my’ life has periodicity. ‘My’ life exists across the past-present-future, there is always a distance to travel from now to then, from here to there etc, this is actually very painful, it’s only experienced just how painful this is when it stops. It’s weird because in the past when I read “enjoying and appreciating this moment of
being alive” it seemed like this moment was something fleeting, at times so very fleeting…
But actually it is the present which is fleeting, this moment is eternal, it has no periodicity, no distance to
travel between now and then. And last night I experienced exactly this, that daring to give up ‘my’ life is to no
longer exist in this periodicity and instead to find oneself in this moment which is eternal, this is such an
incredible freedom, to arrive before one starts, to no longer travel that painful psychological/psychic distance. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, What an excellent experience and description. Now you know experientially what actualism means –
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: In the words of my favourite YouTube content creator – “who let me have this much fun?!” . It’s so great to proceed now as a bona fide actualist, patiently dismantling whatever stands in the way of ongoing enjoyment and appreciation, it is indeed the “best game in town”. It is not about the investigation as an end in itself, it is that with each belief dismantled, with each habitual pattern left behind etc there is a palpable increase in happiness and harmlessness. Any genuine change ‘I’ get for keeps, the dividends are paid each moment again. I was thinking this when I was walking to the shops the other day, that it’s cool to develop a new skill in BJJ however the dividends are only paid when I go to practice BJJ, actualism is even better than that, any genuine change I benefit from each moment again for the rest of my life. Yesterday after uncovering resentment I had big cry in the car when driving to train, it was like the dam broke. It was something like “what the hell have I been doing (‘being’) all this time”. This resentment was like a blanket of bitterness that covered all of ‘me’ and yet somehow “from the inside” it remained unseen. Then the blanket was removed and ‘I’ came face to face with the consequences of it, just what it had been doing all this time. How it got in the way of peace and intimacy between me and my fellow human beings. And there was this “call for action” in that experience, this intense yearning to set things right, which it was clear that this ultimately requires for ‘me’ to sacrifice ‘myself’. It was very clear that altruistic self-immolation is nothing at all like ‘me’ uncovering a belief or acknowledging something intellectually etc. What it takes for ‘me’ to altruistically sacrifice ‘myself’ is an even more powerful energy than ‘my’ selfism and it is sourced in an enormous caring and daring, it’s the entirety of ‘my’ being willing to go into extinction now, to set things right once and for all. I saw that this is the only way to ultimately “make those tears count”. Of course in the meantime I do exactly what I am doing, which is to proceed down the wide and wondrous path, both for the immediate benefit and eventually the ultimate benefit.
VINEETO: Hi Kuba, What a marvellous experience and description of discovering a basic resentment underneath it all and how it “got in the way of peace and intimacy between me and my fellow human beings”, so much so that it made you realise that only ‘self’-sacrifice can resolve this significant obstacle. And even more wonderful that this insight, this “intense yearning to set things right” unleashed the powerful energy of “an enormous caring and daring” which you had walled up in your “precious independence and its resultant splendid isolation” – as Devika so eloquently called it. (Richard’s Journal, p. 218). This powerful energy has been lying dormant for all those years and your yearning for ongoing enjoyment and appreciation has finally set it free. What a wondrous outcome and eminent proof that the actualism method of enjoying and appreciating this moment being alive, each moment again, works miraculously. Life is truly wonderful. I am full of admiration for your daring and caring. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Replying to this one here – Sonya’s journal -
#188 by Vineeto Hi Vineeto,
That is a rather succinct way of describing it and I totally agree, and gosh looking at what is currently going on in the forum it looks like we may have infected others too! [grimace]. It is instructive to read your response in Sonya’s journal and be reminded of what harmlessness looks like. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, I appreciate your sensible reply, and this was the reason I specially emphasised the
harmlessness in my reply to Sonya. After all, this forum is “set up to enable and facilitate the discussion
of actualism” (DA Welcome Page KUBA: So now that I can look at it sensibly there is something useful that this “latest spat” (broadcasted publicly no less) highlighted for me. Essentially it is that I cannot be harmless as long as there are ‘hooks’ in me or ‘buttons’ which can be pressed. And in fact that is exactly what everybody else is doing / has been doing already, in that everybody wants to be peaceful and harmonious and yet good intentions are simply not enough if one is carrying all these ‘hooks’ or ‘buttons’ which can and will sooner or later be activated. Then of course it is easier to apportion blame to the other, for having been “unreasonable enough” to trigger my response, and yet I am the one carrying those unexamined buttons. Also this sets in motion a race to pinpoint the first person who was “out of line”. Yes, this is the magical secret of actualism – it is in your hands alone to unilaterally become more happy and more harmless. If something upsets you, you look for the “hook” and resolve it – either good feelings or bad feelings – even when the temptation to be righteously angry beckons. Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ wrote in 2002 –
This might also be informative –
It is because of these emotional strings that you feel an affective pull or threat when the
other person is changing their position towards you. So when Sonya wrote “It’s scary for me to contemplate
doing this as it means severing our ‘relationship’” most likely ‘fright’ would have been your first
instinctual reaction, quickly followed by a ‘fight’ response. All you can do in such an intense situation is
keeping your hands in your pockets, calm down, and then allow sensibility to take back the driver’s seat. Remember,
according to LeDoux’ experimental findings KUBA: I see the above very clearly now, I mean it’s right in the open and cannot be ignored. The other related thing is that as long as those ‘buttons’/ ‘hooks’ remain whatever ‘harmlessness’ I generate will be conditional, which means it will require that I change others in line with it, which means that sooner or later I have to resort to force, so then it is still not harmless! And thirdly, and this is exactly what I have been doing for years now – not wanting to engage in conflict I will resort to a quiet resentment against “all the unfairness, injustice etc”. VINEETO: Indeed. Ha, “quiet resentment”, even in the name of pacifism, is not harmless either. And yet, it is such a simple solution, at least in principle, that it instantly appealed to ‘Vineeto’ when she understood Richard’s reports and explanations and then had a PCE to confirm it all. In practice the discovering, acknowledging and then dismantling of those hooks or ‘triggers’ takes longer but each time you take responsibility and dissolve them it’s a stunning success, leaving no scars. KUBA: So I see this whole house of cards that has been exposed here, in that sense I am glad that those events took place, along with the “public broadcast” as there is no hiding now. So I am actually rather excited now, to see what ‘buttons’ exist in me and to attend to those so that a genuine and unconditional harmlessness can be discovered, exciting times! VINEETO: That’s great to hear, a whole new adventure beckons. KUBA: And rest assured the vibes in the household have already
shifted from a thunderstorm to white cloudy skies with some sun poking through. VINEETO: I am pleased you (both?) have seen it so quickly. I am looking forward to hearing of your respective discoveries in the new way of relating in naïve intimacy. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, Thank you for your reply, currently there is so much going on that I don’t know where to look first haha! It’s like there are all these various explorations surrounding harmlessness, then there is this goal of locating naiveté by attending to those childhood hurts and the resentful persona which spawned from them, and thus becoming liking and likeable. And then there is something which has been going on since the other day too, it started with what I always mentioned to Sonya as “actualism headaches”, which happen as an intense pressure right in the nape of the neck (without any accompanying muscular tightness in the shoulders etc) and will typically last a day or two before finalising with heightened experiences of perfection and purity, it’s like the experience of coming to my senses, literally. And this experience of literally coming to my senses has been happening since yesterday and today in a way which I haven’t experienced before. It was particularly “vibrant” just before I wrote my post to you yesterday, like the entire world was shimmering with aliveness. And then there is the seeing that in the world of the senses ‘I’ have no existence at all, and where ‘I’ am not, all is pristine. Fascinating times indeed. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Enjoy. Your goals and plans only require naiveté to allow fully and with it actively allow pure intent, then they the rest might just happen of its own accord – with your permission – now that the lid is off. I am reminded Claudiu’s description after he came back from visiting Geoffrey –
I know the “pain in the neck” quite well and Richard described it here –
It not only happened at this particular time but many times before, I came to consider it as part of getting physically/ sensately accustomed to the immense puissance of actuality. Sometimes I called it getting used to the higher frequency – which might easily be only a metaphor but that is how I experienced it. There was a period when Richard and I lived together, shortly before the time Richard described in the above quote, where lying next to him made me physically so uncomfortably charged up (akin to too much electricity) that I had to move away half a meter in order to go to sleep. It settled down after a couple of weeks. I am always pleased when I read descriptions like this – “like the entire world was shimmering with aliveness” – when the actual world becomes more and more apparent. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, (…) It’s like there are all these various explorations surrounding harmlessness, then there is
this goal of locating naivete by attending to those childhood hurts and the resentful persona which spawned from
them, and thus becoming liking and likeable. (…)
VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Regarding “attending to those childhood hurts”, this snippet from Richard’s personal web-page came to mind which you might find informative, even though you probably read it before –
You see, all the childhood hurts can disappear within the blink of an eye, allowing the penetrating insight that you can never ever be a child again to let all the resent go at once. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, Thank you for sharing the quote, this resentment that I carry though it has a slightly different flavour, or that’s what it looks like to me anyways… It’s like – “meh, everything is stupid”. To give an example, the other day I was excitedly telling Sonya how the cool art pieces she made with her friend look great on the wall, and as I sat back on the sofa to do so I knocked a cup of tea that was on the arm rest, an accident. But I do not leave it as just an accident, rather it was a result of a “stupid system”, and off I went to create a more “efficient system” for the cups to rest on the sofa. Now the sofa has 2 wooden trays fixed to the arm-rest… Although writing this now it’s something like this – I am uncomfortable with the feelings
which arise when an accident happens or a mistake is made and in an attempt to escape those feelings I desperately
try to create these “perfect systems”, it’s like a coping mechanism. Of course this is far from living
naively, and I am not like this all the time but rather when something happens to trigger anxious feelings. Not to
turn this into a therapy session but my mum was indeed severely punishing of mistakes made when we were young. Hmm, I do recall exactly that feeling when the cup fell, it’s the anticipation of punishment and very quickly I flip this around into finding the fault with the set up, and then I can desperately design a system where no fault will ever be made. And after a lifetime of doing this I have now projected that drama onto the world, now “everything is stupid”. But it does all seem to be a rather elaborate scheme to avoid the feeling of blame from another, it’s why I emotionally reacted to Sonya’s post the other day too. It’s like I am allergic to being blamed! That feeling of being blamed carries a promise with it… that something bad is to happen. Aah and now I understand why I have always appreciated talking with you so much Vineeto, it’s
like I said a while back that I know you will never ever ‘bite’. This 'bite’ is terrifying to me it seems. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, You are right – men in general tend to want to fix problems often before assessing all the causes, including the feelings which might have caused the problem.
Once you are aware which feeling is causing your feeling bad when ‘accidents’ happen (label it), the next thing is to look for the pattern. The way you describe your symptoms it sounds like it’s time to abandon your internal ‘mother’, in other words, the moral and ethical rules, dogmas and concepts, which she has both inherited and passed onto you. It would also explain what you called being a ‘high achiever’ and perhaps why you have difficulty to both be a friend to yourself and to put everything on a ‘it doesn’t really matter’ basis. The resentment is the result of the fact of never, ever being able to be perfect. But wherefrom comes the demand of having to be perfect. And why do you still value this rule/ concept when it keeps making you miserable? Again, it’s to look at both sides of the equation – the bad feelings you don’t like and ‘good’ feelings you want to hang onto. KUBA: Looking at the above I can see that I initially intellectually understood what Richard’s quote was pointing to. Then I first thought that my resentment was unique, but even as I typed out the post it became clear I was describing the same thing. But then the main ingredient was still missing – which is acknowledging the fact that I will
never physically be a child again. Those hurts along with my reactionary responses are echoes from the past, they
have no relevance in my life now other than the one I habitually give them. VINEETO: Indeed, your physical mother will not punish you anymore but you have already internalised her moral and ethical values to the extent of now doing the punishing (blaming) of your own accord. Someone else’s blame is not the original problem, it only aggravates your own pre-existing blame. Blaming the system is a variation on the theme of blaming the fact that humans are born with instinctual passions (the biblical original sin) and therefore can only ever try to be morally good and ethically right but overall are bound to fail whilst being alive – unless/until you cease ‘being’. In the meantime there is a way to by-pass all this serious judgemental business –
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, I very much appreciate you helping me explore and understand what is going on. VINEETO: The way you describe your symptoms it sounds like it’s time to abandon your internal ‘mother’, in other words, the moral and ethical rules, dogmas and concepts, which she has both inherited and passed onto you. It would also explain what you called being a ‘high achiever’ and perhaps why you have difficulty to both be a friend to yourself and to put everything on a ‘it doesn’t really matter’ basis. KUBA: This is now getting to the very nitty-gritty of ‘me’, interesting that you also saw the link to the high achiever and the rest of it, I thought the same thing yesterday when writing the post. For some history of me… I was born premature and caught a chest infection immediately after birth, from what I am told I was on the verge of not making it for the first couple of weeks of my life! When I was well enough to be taken home my mother took a particularly nurturing approach towards me (understandably), she even breast fed me up to some rather ridiculous age, I think 6 or something, I slept in bed with her rather than on my own etc. And indeed we had a very tight bond, I do remember this from my younger years, it seems through this bond her psychological and psychic make up imprinted onto mine, and she was back then anxious, stressful and volatile far beyond what is called ‘normal’. At the same time though she held this notion that I was special, that I could do no wrong. We often joke about this with Sonya, that I could go rob a bank tomorrow and she would go round telling people what an enterprising young man I am. So what you called the “internal mother“ this is actually a very core aspect of the persona that I am. And I am now becoming aware of just how much of my psychological and psychic make up I inherited from her, gosh I don’t even think I could distinguish between ‘me’ and the ‘internal mother’. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Good, now you made a start – recognizing and acknowledging the fact “how much of my psychological and psychic make up“ you inherited from your mother. You can probably already recognize particular aspects which stand in the way of ongoing enjoyment and appreciation. It’s not about making the ‘good’ or ‘right’ choice, but the one most sensible according to the circumstance in each particular situation – what’s in the way of an ongoing happiness and harmlessness? * VINEETO: The resentment is the result of the fact of never, ever being able to be perfect. But wherefrom comes the demand of having to be perfect. And why do you still value this rule/ concept when it keeps making you miserable? Again, it’s to look at both sides of the equation – the bad feelings you don’t like and ‘good’ feelings you want to hang onto. KUBA: Yes you really hit the nail on the head, thank you! I do live by this intrinsic command that I must be perfect at all times and in all situations. And in a way it reminds me of what Felix has described of himself on the forum, it’s taking this corrupted perfectionism and turning it onto actualism. But you see this is all currently muddled up for me, because in actualism I am seeking to evince perfection, as experienced in the PCE. I wish I had a different word for it, to distinguish between that perfectionism of the ‘internal mother’ and the perfection which I am looking to evince as an actualist. Perhaps it’s clear enough to distinguish between actual perfection and moral perfection? But then again Richard wrote that his responses are impeccable at all times, although I know this does not mean that he was immune to error… So you see this is all muddled up for me currently, this ‘corrupted perfectionism’ is somehow tangled up with my goal as an actualist, which is to evince perfection and to eliminate any ‘dirt’. VINEETO: If I may rephrase your description even though I know what you mean – “taking this corrupted perfectionism and turning it onto actualism“. I would rather say more accurately, keeping the “corrupted perfectionism“ going by hiding it (including from yourself) behind an ‘actualistic’ veil. What’s muddled up to differentiate is your understanding of what actual purity and perfection is – perfection (actuality) becomes apparent when ‘you’ get out of the way. That includes ‘you’ trying to be perfect. Also I think the word ‘evince’ adds to your confusion. Evince – reveal the presence of (a quality or feeling); indicate. Synonyms: reveal, show, make clear, make plain, make obvious (Oxford Languages) These definitions/ synonyms can be equivalent to making the actual world apparent, imitating actuality. Whereas the other half of the synonyms – Evince – Synonyms: make manifest, manifest, indicate, display, exhibit, demonstrate, be evidence of, evidence (Oxford Languages) – do not. They describe ‘you’ actively attempting to manifest perfection, which is/has been ‘your’ modus operandi, thereby continuously confirming and re-enforcing ‘your’ existence. Again, for emphasis, the perfection and purity of the actual world is already always existing
and ‘your’ presence is obscuring it from becoming apparent. Your aim, looking for actuality, is to get out of the
way wherever you can and instead naïvely allow pure intent to guide you. You probably remember Richard’s story
when the painting painted itself (and ‘he’ sincerely could take no credit for it) or when the pottery made itself.
I remembered a PCE I had years before I met Richard and learnt the term. Everything was perfect, peaceful, sparkling and still. I remember the thought that ‘oh, I just had to sit on the (same) park bench on the place right next to where I had been sitting’ as a metaphor for how I got here to this experience of purity and perfection. KUBA: To add some more context to the above. On Tuesday I was asked to teach a BJJ class for a university club. The class was so busy that it was almost impossible for the participants to get any productive work done as they had no space. On the other hand I was acutely aware of the fact that I was there as some “big shot“, during the introductions my accolades were presented by the host etc. Really I was kind of uncomfortable with it all, I do like to relate to others as fellow human beings without all that other fluff… And yet at the same time I was kicking myself after the session finished because I had this acute feeling of having let them down, mostly because there was no space to get any productive work done, but I am sure that even if there was I would have found some fault with what I did, it would not have been ‘perfect’. I think this is a good example of the kind of internal conflict which happens because of this
'corrupted perfectionism’. VINEETO: What most likely happened was not that “the class was so busy“ which produced “this acute feeling of having let them down“ in you, but the pride you felt when your “accolades were presented by the host“. If ‘you’ accept the praise, ‘you’ also accept the responsibility for the blame when it happens. They belong together. I remember one correspondent from Mailing List B who is living in an ongoing altered state of consciousness, confirming that he was not only omnipotent but also infinitely responsible –
You see, you cannot have the good (praise) without the bad (full responsibility). KUBA: And the other thing, and this is rather hilarious but in a weird way… It looks like I have projected this ‘inner mother’ onto you Vineeto, an authority still but one that cannot ‘bite’. Well I am sure you can do without being ‘my’ psychic mother so I can only apologise and chalk it up to the human condition being weird and thus coming out of it being equally weird at times. At least this thing is slowly but surely becoming undone now. VINEETO: Ah, it makes no difference to me but recognizing this and changing it makes a big difference to you. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, VINEETO to Syd: What would be radical – radically different from how you operated most of your life – is to leave/ quit ‘the philosophy and planning department’ and naïvely experimentally and experientially explore the world of people and events, with the sincere intent firmly in mind to be harmless and happy as much as humanly possible. I put ‘harmless’ first, because for many it is the more difficult aspect of an actualist’s sincere intent.
(Btw, sincere, as used on the website, does not mean ‘true to your feelings’ but true to facts and actuality –
and feelings are not facts). KUBA: This is very simple and yet so important, I am certainly taking note of this for myself. Of course the words happy and harmless as presented on the AFT website do not refer to separate items, it is one package of felicity and innocuity. However it is so easy (I have done it myself) to turn actualism into a pursuit of ‘my’ happiness, which in practice means cunningly pursuing and reinforcing the good feelings and conveniently ignoring their opposite bad feelings. In fact I can observe this bias in myself, that the word harmless can almost become like an addition that comes after happy, an after-thought let’s say. And of course when approaching it that way ‘I’ only spin round and round in self-centred circles. Also I notice in myself that often it took exactly that commitment to harmlessness in order to give up some long held and dear aspect of ‘me’, otherwise if it is just for ‘me’ then ‘I’ might as well remain the same! It is the recognition of what ‘I’ am doing by remaining as ‘I’ am which can break the cycle and this requires that ‘my’ horizon expands past just ‘me’. So it is useful to turn this around and ask myself am ‘I’ first of all being harmless? And interestingly enough happiness comes rather easily when ‘I’ am being harmless to begin with, harmlessness provides a stable platform for ongoing happiness. But the most important part of this, I think, is that the commitment to harmlessness requires that ‘my’ self-centredness progressively diminishes, which means that ‘I’ am then ready to radically change. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, I appreciate that you more and more can understand the role that being harmless plays in the overall pursuit of whittling down ‘me’ as in becoming less and less ‘self’-centric which is the instinctive norm of being. For me it was the main concern and last question after I became newly free if I was really being harmless in all I did, including all the ramifications and consequences for others in what I said or did. You put it well when you said “this requires that ‘my’ horizon expands past just ‘me’”. KUBA: This reminds me of something you wrote a while back
(paraphrasing) that it is a shame that the recent generation of actualists does not share the same sincere commitment
for peace on earth. I remember I took that as a bit of an insult, like “what do you mean!? I am an actualist
after all”. And yet it is true that harmlessness has been an afterthought! VINEETO: I could not find where I had mentioned it but I can refer you to where Richard wrote about it – and repeated it as a tool-tip in several other of his correspondences – starting with –
It's best to read the rest in the original because it has several tool-tips attached. Historically you can say that my parents’ and my own generation were deeply shocked by the
devastation of the world-wide war that had just finished, and my own generation had to see with shock-and-horror the
ongoing threat of the mutual assured destruction [MAD] of the cold war eventuate into an even bigger hot war.
Personally, I was so affected by this looming threat so much that I decided to not bring any children into this then
terrifying world. I later veered off into the spiritual search for inner peace and got sold on Rajneesh’s idea of
the New Man. (see Peter’s Journal Regarding the following generations, despite many minor wars constantly happening, Europe and the US remained overall little affected. Perhaps because of this apparent ‘peace’ – more of an ongoing armistice or truce – people turned to other concern, and fascinatingly one of the generations (X maybe) has now been called the ‘me’-generation – seeming only concerned with themselves, their rights, their self-image and their safe-space. Of course, because this is a generalisation, it is not the case for everyone, but in the context of (not) being vitally interested in peace on earth, as an overarching desire in one’s life, history had an influence on all. So each has to find their own overarching motivation to want to become actually free from the
grip the instinctual passions and the ‘self’-centric identity have on their lives and others. Each needs to find
their motivation to dare to come out of their (apparent) safe cave or ‘self’-involvement and eventually develop/
discover a care for a larger circle than themselves. The very nature of an actual freedom (self-immolation) is such
that ‘I’ cannot do it for ‘myself’ only. And when Richard says “And to dare to care is to care to
dare” What it means, when written out, that one needs daring/ courage to allow “that ‘my’ horizon expands past just ‘me’” as you so aptly put it, and starts deeply caring for one’s fellow humans as well, because they feel like I-as-an-identity feel, they require the same basics for living like I-as-an-identity do, they have the same or similar troubles I-as-an-identity have, they suffer from war and deprivation as I-as-an-identity would do, and so on. It does take daring to care. And, of course, this is an affective caring because it is felt and experienced by feeling beings – it cannot be otherwise until one is actually free (or in a PCE or close to becoming actually free). To want to put off daring to care until one has a PCE or is close to becoming actually free would be utterly silly and delaying one’s destiny forever. And only then, when I care enough, do I dare to consider a commitment so radical, it has never being dared before Richard – a commitment to whittle away at the whole of the identity to the point that agreeing to ‘my’ demise remains the only sensible thing to do. KUBA: I guess it can be said that ‘Geoffrey’ and ‘Srinath’
dared to care. I do remember Srinath mentioned to me a while back that this was one of the last puzzle pieces that
clicked for ‘him’ before self-immolation – caring. VINEETO: They certainly did. I have deep respect, admiration and appreciation for both of their daring and caring, and then the daring arising out of their caring. You will find that the second part of Srinath’s
correspondence with Richard Cheers Vineeto
KUBA:
This has been on my mind a lot, contemplating what actual innocence is referring to. And although ‘I’ cannot be actually innocent it has given me a fuller understanding of what harmlessness and happiness is all about. I think this had a big part in allowing me to locate ‘pure’ felicitous and innocuous feelings. With the above in mind I have been sorting through those feelings (good and bad) which were hiding under the apparent “feeling good“ umbrella, and yet they were “nocent“, both to ‘me’ and to others. And I found that only the genuine felicitous and innocuous feelings are free of this propensity to inflict hurt, in whichever direction. So it’s quite interesting, I can’t put it into words very well yet, but it is the focus on harmlessness, whilst holding in mind what actual innocence means, which allowed me to sort through the various feelings and begin to let go of those which had the capacity to inflict hurt. And doing this I have located these ‘pure’ felicitous and innocuous feelings, which are like a “fresh summer breeze“. And it is so clear to me now that one can only be happy if one is also harmless, because to inflict harm is to experience / ‘be’ harm. It reminds me of Richard’s descriptions of actual freedom, this one in particular has been coming to mind :
That last bit is just… wow! VINEETO: Dear Kuba, Ah, what great outcome of your persistent contemplation to get to the core of what innocence actually is. It seems you have come full circle to the time when you first wrote that what you dearly want is “to be innocence personified“ –
When you look back through your journal, many obstacles and objections had to be overcome and ‘secrets’ to be exposed to yourself until you developed sincerity to a fine art that would not allow you to leave any stone unturned or any dirt under the carpet. For instance, you had to experience, and then honestly admit to yourself that you harboured aggression and chip away at the much-prized assertiveness. You said in a previous post –
This is very perceptive – perspicacious, penetratingly observant, to be precise. One can only really see that, acknowledge that, when one is no longer invested in a self-serving image-presenting deception, when facts and actuality are one’s guide and value. And now, as you say here This persistent and utterly honest sincerity enabled you to now “have located these ‘pure’ felicitous and innocuous feelings, which are like a “fresh summer breeze“.“ And this is truly marvellous. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: I am seeing all this more clearly now, also I see where I have been going wrong in the past. The words “taking ‘myself’ into actuality” really summarise what ‘I’ had been doing. It’s all in the distinction between self-enhancing/ maintaining and self-diminishing. Back around the time of the fake out from control ‘I’ kept ‘myself’ intact, do-er and all, and then tried to shove this package into some manufactured, new state of ‘being’, that is the wrong direction, this is all self-enhancing/ maintaining. Just like actual freedom is a description of the condition which ensues when ‘I’ am eradicated, out from control is the description of the state which ensues when the do-er is abeyant. Meaning that both descriptions are referring to what happens when something is removed/out of the way, not when the already existing package is kept intact and taken into something more. And no wonder I was experiencing such intense resistance. I can write this confidently now because I can experience what happens when for a period of time ‘I’ become somewhat diluted/irrelevant, then it is seen that ‘I’ have arrogated ‘myself’ over life with disastrous consequences, and then when this is seen all of a sudden everything is already in its rightful place. Then it is seen that it was ‘my’ absence/ diminishment which was needed in order to reveal the perfection and purity which was already actual all this time. And this is so much easier in that sense, because in the past ‘I’ took on the impossible task of trying to match actuality, as ‘I’ was trying to shove ‘myself’ in there, this took enormous and ongoing effort, in that sudorific sense, and anyways ‘I’ failed every-time. But actually none of that was ever needed. So what I am experiencing is exactly that sense of ‘me’ initially doing ‘my’ normal order of operations, control and all, and then it’s like everything stops as ‘I’ realise that once again ‘I’ am simply arrogating ‘myself’ over life, that this is not needed, it’s this extra thing that does nobody any favours. But then I have been thinking, the way Richard described ‘my’ self-immolation, that after the fact one (as a flesh and blood body) can know that ‘I’ never actually existed in the first place, and yet for ‘me’ it is a death which is as real as it gets. And it seems similar with this issue of control, in that for ‘me’ as the do-er ‘my’ control is very real, ‘I’ cannot abandon control by merely adopting a belief that says “‘I’ was never really in control”, this would be more like some buddhistic thing, it’s self-deception. Rather it is only when ‘I’ have already allowed life to happen of its own accord that ‘I’ can then look back and see that none of that activity was ever needed, but the do-er cannot know this from behind ‘his’ throne, it is only known when the do-er has already got out of the way, willingly. Although these descriptions are still only temporary excursions, this is not the actualism
process having been set in motion. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, This is such a wonderful summary of the whole process of actualism – I thoroughly enjoyed it. It’s spelling it out that the whole method and process of actualism is about diminishing what is in the way of actuality becoming apparent, removing one ‘self-centric habit/ belief/ action of ‘me’ after another. In principle it is all so simple, the doing of it is another matter. The reason why/ when putting this insight into practice is difficult is because each of us has/ had an in-built screaming baby, my ‘self’, made very real and convincing via feelings and passions as part of the animal inheritance, which obscures this very simply fact: when ‘I’ stop screaming (passionately feeling this or that and insisting that ‘I’ have to be somebody, somebody special) then there is peace and perfection. Hence all the various actualism techniques to quiet down the screaming baby and slowly seduce it to stop flailing and thrashing about and start enjoying and appreciating being here, being alive and revel in the fact that everything is already perfect. I think the two most potent techniques at any stage in the process are 1. being kind to yourself and If you can sincerely and consistently apply both these techniques, the process of undoing your ‘self’ is increasingly enjoyable and immense cause for appreciation. Besides, nothing really matters in the long run, because in the end ‘you’ will quit (either involuntary when your life-time is up, or voluntarily at any time ‘you’ are ready). You, Kuba, say above – “for ‘me’ it is a death which is as real as it gets”. It’s only a death as long as there is still resistance to see sense, complete 100% sense – then it’s a longed-for abdication, a willing disappearance into oblivion because (to quote Geoffrey) “no ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing.” I know from ‘Vineeto’, first one needs to wrestle with, and/or soothe, and/or seduce, the screaming ‘me’ who doesn’t want to see sense. It is already always perfect, perfection is already here. Stand still and ‘come’ here where you already are. Give yourself permission to give up all responsibility and all struggle. As Richard says to ‘Vineeto’ in the Out-from-Control video: “I have no responsibility”. Andrew might like this one too. (see Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, VINEETO: Give yourself permission to give up all responsibility and all struggle. As Richard says to ‘Vineeto’ in the Out-from-Control video: “I have no responsibility”. KUBA: I have had this as a running thread each moment again for the past couple of days. There has been daring and there has been habituation. To use the metaphor of the cave again, it’s peeking out the cave where there is sun shining and the birds are singing, initially there is the daring needed – “can I step out?, is it safe?” etc, and then I step out anyways and there is that “fresh summer breeze” and all is well. And then some time down the line it is as if I have been teleported back to the cave, I notice something missing, but then I remember that the exit is right in front of me and that I can once more step out – that’s the habituation. It’s been quite amusing how this has been playing out in practice too. For example the other day I noticed the kitchen and living room were a bit of a mess, and I tend to like to keep the house tidy. At that time I could not distinguish if this was a preference or a passionate drive. But I could tell that I felt it as a responsibility and something that ‘I’ had to ‘do’ in that “carrying the burden” way. The initial response when considering a different course of action was of course jumping to its opposite, that if ‘I’ don’t ‘do’ it then ‘I’ will end up living in squalor etc. But then I thought well that is a risk I am willing to take! And sure enough about 30-minutes later after I was done cooking for me and Sonya I noticed that the kitchen was clean, of course I was the one that did the cleaning but the ‘doer’ had no part, it took no effort. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, That is indeed amusing – you forgot your own inner argument about preference and responsibility concepts on one side and your ‘distaste’ for cleaning up on the other. And voilà, things got done in the most pleasant way. It’s actually fun to clean up when ‘I’ don’t run the show. Remember Richard’s story about cleaning dishes?
KUBA: Also something changed recently and I can only pinpoint it to having now left behind whatever remnants of the spiritual viewpoint. Even the words that you write to me, they make sense like never before, in a matter of fact, down to earth way. And indeed I was up until recently viewing actualism and actual freedom through a spiritual lens. I am pretty surprised to write this, because for years I thought that was all done and dusted! And yet I still saw actual freedom as another state of ‘being’, I no longer do and I think this is the core reason for the change. Which also means that my compass is now oriented towards the correct direction, which is here on earth. VINEETO: This is a significant discovery and I am pleased reading it put it this way – “I
still saw actual freedom as another state of ‘being’”. It is significant for every one who puts in hard
work to achieve a higher ranking in their ‘actualism’, works hard to improve one’s ‘self’ or in some other way, as you put it before Again, it’s not surprising that it happens because the only alternatives so far where
materialism (work hard for material gain and prestige) and spiritualism (work hard for a higher state of ‘being’,
and prestige). When you contemplate that the very nature of ‘me’ is an imaginary contingent entity – there is
nothing else ‘I’ can do but try to stay in existence with as many ‘flimsy’ arguments as long as possible. ‘Vineeto’ called them “furphies”
To fully comprehend what the phrase “enjoying and appreciating being alive” means – as Vineeto once reported to Richard –
KUBA: And all this is kind of weird, in a mind-boggling way. It reminds me of what
Richard wrote that once actually free he saw that he had been here all this time simply having a ball. I can kind of
see this, that on one hand ‘I’ am carrying ‘my’ burden and yet there is everything already happening of its
own accord in actuality… Also those words “cause and effect was left behind in the land of lament”, that
keeps coming up too when I am having these experiences. VINEETO: I think you inadvertently slipped into Zen spirituality and/or Quantum theory – cause and effect is operating perfectly here in the actual world. What disappears is the imaginary ‘logic’ of the spiritual imaginary realm and the supposed ‘logic’ of Quantum theory of the equally imaginary realm, together with the various narratives/ scams spawned from that.
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: And all this is kind of weird, in a mind-boggling way. It
reminds me of what Richard wrote that once actually free he saw that he had been here all this time simply having a
ball. I can kind of see this, that on one hand ‘I’ am carrying ‘my’ burden and yet there is everything
already happening of its own accord in actuality… Also those words “cause and effect was left behind in the
land of lament”, that keeps coming up too when I am having these experiences. VINEETO: I think you inadvertently slipped into Zen spirituality and/or Quantum theory – cause and effect is operating perfectly here in the actual world. What disappears is the imaginary ‘logic’ of the spiritual imaginary realm and the supposed ‘logic’ of Quantum theory of the equally imaginary realm, together with the various narratives/ scams spawned from that. KUBA: This is the quote I was referring to
And I was thinking about this yesterday, and it seems it is to do with time as it happens in actuality, in that all events only take place now. So as the ‘do-er’ “cause and effect” happens across the present-future continuum. In that as the ‘do-er’ ‘I’ set a plan in motion which will apparently ensure an outcome in the future. Like with the dishes, ‘I’ decide ‘I’ will ‘do’ it in the present and then ‘I’ have a distance to cross until the resolution in the future – that is the ‘weight’ of the burden. And yet when ‘I’ as the ‘do-er’ step aside ‘I’ notice that it all happens now, there is no distance to cross hence there is no burden to carry. Of course effects are being caused by actions otherwise nothing would ever happen haha but it’s more that there is no distance between now and then to travel. Does that make any more sense without Zen spirituality / quantum theory? Essentially it is that for the ‘do-er’ the cause is what ‘I’ ‘do’ in the present and the effect is what ‘I’ hope for in the future. And in fact this feature is what I have been the most fascinated about, that it all happens now and so ‘I’ am not needed to be ‘doing’ life, it is already happening. Perhaps it is correct to say that in actuality both cause and effect happen now, whereas in reality there is a ‘lag’, this ‘lag’ is the burden that ‘I’ carry as the ‘do-er’, it takes effort for ‘me’ to continually cross that distance. The way I have been experiencing it today is rather fascinating, in that as soon as ‘I’
begin to engage in that – let’s say “cause then effect” manner, there is the
experience of things already happening, and so that whole mechanism of ‘me’ moving from ‘here’ to ‘there’
becomes still born. This is like the end of ‘my’ control, as ‘my’ control has no relevance where this moment
is already happening. It’s the experience of shifting from existing out of time to being locked securely in time.
And it is indeed the case that cause and effect happen simultaneously in actuality, it cannot be any other way! My
hands are causing these words to be typed out but there is no separation between the cause happening (fingers doing
the typing) and the event taking place (the words being typed out), it all happens now. Whereas in reality it all
happens in separate ‘periods’ of time. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Thank you for putting me right. I couldn’t find that quote yesterday. In fact, the original text is only in two places – one is from the Audio-taped Dialogues where the above quote came from and another, which is a bit longer and quite informative as well.
You are correct, the ‘cause and effect’ are left behind because things happen simultaneously and spontaneously – which, of course, does not mean that the rules of physics are put out of action. It is always only now, this moment, no time-lapse where to insert any affective valuation or hesitation or excitement to slow down or speed up, no control. It’s like your story with the kitchen which was tidied without you having emotionally interfered with by objecting or lamenting. It just happened and it was perfect. And you can always polish the report of what happened in hindsight if you find it “rather convoluted in the
end”. What a wonderful way of being alive. So yes, it’s a perfect quote. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: There is something that I am not sure about… There are times when I am contemplating the above and being drawn towards it with the entirety of ‘my’ being. And then there is something like a very strong passionate response, not in a sorrowful or fearful way, it’s more that ‘I’ realise that this is what ‘I’ want, what ‘I’ have dedicated ‘my’ life to, what ‘I’ have been aiming for, for all these years – to enable that which I have seen, for everybody, to set things right etc. Let’s say it is a powerful passionate “call to action“. The thing is I have experienced this before and it would usually rise to a crescendo and then afterwards the forward motion would stop. And so what I am not sure is if this passionate “call to action“ could be a diversion? That ‘I’ had ‘my’ emotional experience, which it felt meaningful and yet ‘I’ am still here after-all. Or whether this powerful passionate energy is indeed what is needed for altruism to be activated. It seems a diversion, it’s like a little melodrama to distract from doing that which makes sense, which is to allow for ‘me’ to disappear. That melodrama appears to be there to ‘shift some weight’ and yet it keeps ‘me’ in place. And anyways what weight is there to ‘me’ disappearing into oblivion? Certainly there is no weight shifted when ‘I’ go into abeyance in a PCE. It seems that ‘me’ disappearing for good must be equally light as a feather… In fact this seems certain, that melodrama would have it that ‘I’ do it, that ‘I’ end
‘myself’, and so ‘I’ remain. For ‘me’ to allow ‘myself’ to disappear takes no ‘shifting weight’,
it takes for ‘me’ to allow it to happen. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, I don’t know – it is not something I remember from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience, which I wrote
in my becoming-free report. Is this “powerful passionate “call to action““ possibly the controller stepping in and staging a fake immolation to stay in existence? Can you tell if the way you experience its flavour is similar to experiencing pure intent such as a sweet longing? Can you utilise this “powerful passionate“ energy to have sexual intimacy with gay abandon, giving yourself completely to your life-partner? Reading now the two paragraphs you added you seem to be answering your own question. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, VINEETO: Is this “powerful passionate “call to action”” possibly the controller stepping in and staging a fake immolation to stay in existence? KUBA: I think this is indeed the case, plus it has happened enough times in the past with no results, so something is certainly fishy. VINEETO: Can you tell if the way you experience its flavour is similar to experiencing
pure intent such as a sweet longing? KUBA: Again I would answer with a solid NO to both questions, it’s more dramatic rather than the flavour of a sweet longing/gay abandon. But this just reminded me of something, I have written about this before. That when I first began with actualism, it took me about 6 months to have my first PCE as an actualist. But many times prior to that I would come close and as soon as the flavour of actuality was experienced I would also go into this same kind of dramatic response, and it would prevent the PCE each time. I remember at the time it was Claudiu that gave me some advice and said that he also experienced something similar after his spiritual years. Essentially it took for me to become aware of that pattern and then next time somewhat ‘chill out’ and then the PCE did happen shortly after. It’s weird too because my first PCE (before actualism) devolved into a powerful ASC, and I wondered then if that was almost like I was habitually diverting the PCE into what was more accessible/ relatable via ‘my’ affective memory, essentially making it a passionate affair. Experientially it was like as soon as I got close to a PCE ‘I’ began passionately screaming “yes this is what ‘I’ want” and this scream would stop the PCE in it’s tracks. Then afterwards I would be left with this quite heavy affective aftermath, like what one feels after a dangerous situation or a big cry. And this passionate response I am describing here is essentially there same thing. It seems pretty clear that it is a diversion. Oh you know what, it is almost like ‘I’ am still habitually looking for a moment of
Realisation, just like ‘I’ habitually felt a PCE would be back then. It was only when ‘I’ chilled out that
‘I’ could allow the PCE to happen via ‘my’ abeyance. It’s like back then ‘I’ associated these affective
fireworks – which happened when the PCE had already devolved into an ASC – with the PCE itself, and so the second
that the PCE hove into view ‘I’ was already on the trigger for those fireworks. What is going on now is
essentially that. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, I have been thinking about those “powerful passionate “call to action”” attacks, and it occurred to me that there is a remnant resistance to a full agreement to ‘self’-immolation, given that you concluded that they are a diversion. So when you find this cause of resistance, it’s time to negotiate – not in terms of making a compromise, but to listen to whatever objection there is and negotiate until all of you realise and acquiesce – to quote Geoffrey – “that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve
done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to
be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing
that made sense, the only sensible thing.” It fits well with your recent great post that being naiveté is contagiously affecting people
and that “it does actually make sense to me, that the way to peace on earth is to be having fun being
alive.” Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: The fact remains that no amount of sophistication or
refinement will land one at naiveté. It’s not like one of my games either where if I grind away at some monsters
for a few hours I will earn that next weapon set and then breeze through the rest of the game – which this is the
kind of MO I have observed here, as if naiveté could be located that way. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Even though I only had the trap of Altered States of Consciousness in mind, as for instance
described here
It certainly worked for ‘Vineeto’. KUBA: I think I might be at risk of being placed into a diagram here, but I will say that all the “uncomfortable emotional stuff” cannot be conveniently walked around, and for the kind of persona pre-disposed to intellectualising I would say that the remedy is to dare to aim for intimacy, not with objects but with fellow human beings. I have found this in myself (as that kind of persona) that this challenge to aim for intimacy was initially like trying to mix oil with water, but eventually it made one thing clear, that this “uncomfortable emotional stuff” would have to be resolved head on. VINEETO: I appreciate your observation – when one aspires intimacy in a living-together arrangement, a lot of “uncomfortable emotional stuff” has to come out in the open and needs to be dealt with, if men and women want to succeed in living together in peace and harmony. KUBA: Although I will put a qualifier on this, that it was
aiming for intimacy with the person I live with (rather than a passing exchange at a coffee shop etc) which was where
the tyre met the road, to borrow a phrase. And the intimacy I am referring to here is not some high level near actual
intimacy, I am talking of – can ‘I’ as a feeling being, find a way to get consistently close to another, which
means that the mine-field of the “uncomfortable emotional stuff” will have to be patiently and sincerely
addressed. VINEETO: You expressed it expertly and from your ongoing experience.
What better way to turn one’s life around and do something down-to-earth and pragmatic for peace-on-earth and one’s own felicity and innocuity at the same time. Cheers Vineeto
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