March 11 2026

KUBA: There is something that has been clarifying itself over the past few days, it’s a point that I have been understanding more and more over the years, which is that the actualism method is enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. It’s weird how this could take so long to fully sink in, but I see that in the past I saw actualism as something that Srinath summarised when he wrote that with actualism one does not turn the T rex that is ‘me’ into a plush toy. Essentially it’s that in the past I approached actualism as if it was some psychological or therapeutic method which would inject happiness and harmlessness into the structure that is ‘me’. And in this misunderstanding I would waste a lot of time with ‘investigation’ which just went round in circles. It was back to front, ‘me’ along with ‘my’ various self-centred concerns would remain centre-stage and any progress would have to fit into that structure of ‘me’. This is something that Geoffrey was quick to point out last time we spoke on zoom, that all this ‘investigation’ is wasting time.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Ha, here is the person, having succeeded in dismantling ‘his’ obstructive tricks for being happy and harmless and declaring that all these investigations were a waste of time. At least this is how this paragraph reads to me. From where you started – and everyone has to start where they are at – these deliberations and realisations and insights, with the following actualisations of those insights – were necessary to remove the inevitable roadblocks which any lost, lonely, frightened and very cunning entity will/would put up for their survival.

It is only in hindsight that you can see that your worry and struggle was in vain, because the actual world is already here and is only obscured by ‘your’ persistent presence. Why does Richard say –

Richard: I am full of admiration for the ‘me’ that dared to do such a thing. I owe all that I experience now to ‘me’. I salute ‘my’ audacity. (Richard’s Journal, Appendix 3, p. 282).

– if the process of dismantling ‘me’ doesn’t take daring and audacity?

It took persistence and courage to come to the point where you had to face the fact that nothing of ‘you’ will remain if/when you proceed to your destiny. And this is marvellous and worth your full appreciation.

KUBA: But I never wanted to accept this point, because it meant that ‘me’ along with ‘my’ concerns are not primary, that enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive is where ‘I’ become unimportant, it cuts through all the red tape so to speak. That the actualism method is about a self-diminishing inclination, ‘I’ don’t become a plush toy but rather ‘I’ become less and less important, and enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive is the very means to effect this change, as well as being the end goal itself. The other related point is that enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive is unconditional, that is why it is always available now, it does not take a step by step process or a length of time to become available. The “hard” in actualism is when ‘I’ try to fit enjoyment and appreciation into the conditional outlines of ‘me’, then enjoying and appreciating seems to be only available if X and Y happens first. Essentially ‘I’ turn enjoying and appreciating into a conditional affair, dictated by ‘my’ self-centred involvements, and then wonder why it is so difficult, fleeting etc, Meanwhile the option to enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive is right here for the taking this whole time.

VINEETO: Well said – and of course most people do this because this is how both the instinctual and the social programming operates in everybody. It’s really funny, only when the “hard” way, the ‘self’-affirming struggle, fails does one dare to consider the (frightening) prospect of trying out the ‘self’-diminishing option – such as putting everything on a “it-doesn’t-really-matter” basis. That’s where courage is required, scrupulous honesty and integrity.

KUBA: So to summarise the past few days I have been observing that the method is enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive, that this is always unconditional, and also just how much time I have spent as an actualist focusing on anything but enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. I guess this might be normal, in that at first ‘I’ have to sort through the mess that is the human condition and so ‘I’ have ‘my’ hands busy looking at this and that, and then eventually with the bulk of that stuff out of the way, the simplicity of the method hoves into view.

VINEETO: Yes, that is why I responded to your first paragraph as I did. Ha, actuality may well be “a joyful elephant in the corner of the room just waiting to be noticed all along”, as Felipe termed it tongue-in-cheek, but as many, if not all of you, have experienced, there is a price of admission to be able to again and again notice and experience it. This price of admission is both ‘my’ recalcitrant ego and ‘my’ contumacious soul and they are both more sticky than duct tape aka hurricane tape. It wants removing bit by bit.

KUBA: What I have been observing too is that with unconditional enjoyment and appreciation – of the very fact of being alive now – becoming a standard of experiencing, the various conditional enjoyments become a cherry on top of the cake. Whereas when that unconditional enjoyment and appreciation was lacking there was no amount of conditional enjoyments that could ever fill the void, then ‘I’ would become desperately involved, clawing at some way to gain happiness in that conditional manner, by controlling this and that but knowing full well that ‘I’ will plunge into emptiness sooner or later. To enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive means that I have enough already simply by virtue of being here, and then the conditional things look so much different, they don’t ultimately matter, and because they don’t ultimately matter they can be enjoyed and appreciated fully too, for what they are. The universe has already filled the cup full – that is the way things are – and then it’s a question of just what I would like to do on top of all this fullness, which cherry to place on top of the cake, but it matters not ultimately, and then it can be fun.

An excellent description and I much appreciate that you are able to experience it. You might like this one –

Richard: With this growing magnanimity, one becomes more and more anonymous, more and more selflessly motivated. With this expanding altruism one becomes less and less self-centred, less and less egocentric ... the humanitarian ideals of peace, kindness, caring, benevolence and humaneness become more and more evident as an actuality.

And all this while I asked ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive? ... and the essential character of the perfection of the physical infinitude of this material universe was enabled by ‘my’ concurrence. This enabling is experienced as a ‘pure intent’ running as a ‘golden thread’, as it were, from the purity and perfection of the PCE to that little-used faculty: naiveté (which is the closest one can get to innocence). (Richard, List B, James, 17 October1999a).

KUBA: Oh and I have to add that it was Vineeto’s wonderful post to Andrew that helped me put this together too – (Actualism, Actualvineeto, Andrew3, 9 March 2026)

VINEETO: Indeed, it is to allow this “little-used faculty: naiveté” to flourish, which will enable one to see “the “hard” in actualism”, the addiction to being ‘me’, as a superfluous appendix that can joyfully be discarded.

Cheers Vineeto

March 13 2026

KUBA: Yes I see your point and you are correct, the various obstacles are all very real until they are resolved and change is actualised, only then it all seems to have been much ado about nothing and indeed it does take daring and audacity to evince this kind of change.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

I am pleased you can recognize that, else you might put yourself down for having taken all this time. Can you see that your dismantling of “the high achiever / perfectionist” was instrumental in enabling you to experience ‘me’ in its original form, stripped of the defensive armour?

KUBA: And to prove the point you already made I have 1 real obstacle which I have been outlining recently. Basically I have come to locate this fundamental insecurity, it expresses itself in many different ways but they all trace back to the same place. Some of the ways it expresses itself in is for example this undercurrent of feeling that I may have made a mistake for which I will be criticised, that I have inadvertently got on the wrong side of someone etc. This feeling is what the high achiever / perfectionist would cover up in the past. Oh you know in the PCE video when Richard gives the example of “excuse me for taking up space” – that is the feeling! In that place it feels like ‘I’ am so small and the world is towering over ‘me’ and ‘I’ am just waiting to be crushed. And this fundamental insecurity, it’s various tentacles reach into many different parts of 'my’ persona, although now it’s a bit like the tentacles have been chopped off one after the other (such as the high achiever / perfectionist etc) and now I am able to see just that place of ‘my’ fundamental insecurity.

VINEETO: Yes, I remember that feeling of “excuse me for taking up space” from feeling being ‘Vineeto’, who had compensated it with a workaholic way of always trying to be useful. This feeling of insecurity can be the precursor for naiveté when allowed to be there in its utter nakedness without controlling the original discomfort.

KUBA: I can very much experience the flavour of that place, right at the core of it. I wonder is that feeling of “excuse me for taking up space” because ‘I’ know deep down that ‘I’ am a fraud. ‘I’ am insecure because ‘I’ am only a spanner in the works, and deep down ‘I’ do know this. The normal way to deal with this would be to be proud of one’s performance as an identity, to blindly and passionately defend that ‘I’ am right, good etc. But then without those tactics in place there is only this fundamental insecurity left.

VINEETO: When the outer defences, such as “the high achiever” are courageously dismantled, and you refrain from forming rational theories, then it becomes more and more obvious that what is left at the core is, as Richard explained, a vortex of swirling passions.

Richard: For example:

• [Co-Respondent]: ‘And from what stuff are we made of (our identities) anyhow that it cannot be determined by any magnetic scanning?

• [Richard]: ‘Primarily the identity within is the affections (the affective feelings) – ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’ – as *the instinctual passions form themselves into* a ‘presence’, a ‘spirit’, a ‘being’ ... ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being is ‘being’ itself. MRI scans, and all the rest, cannot detect a phantom being, the ghost in the machine. (...) Put expressively the affective feelings swirl around forming a whirlpool or an eddy (which vortex is the ‘presence’, the ‘spirit’, the ‘being’): mostly peoples experience ‘self’ as being a centre, around which the affective feelings form a barrier, which centre could be graphically likened to a dot in a circle (the circle being the affective feelings) which is what gives rise to the admonitions to break down the walls, the barriers, with which the centre protects itself.

Those people who are self-realised have realised that there is no ‘dot’ in the centre of the circle ... hence the word ‘void’. [emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 25a, 10 June 2003).

I put it in that expressive way because it is not possible to separate out the feeler from the feelings it is ... just as it is impossible to separate the whirlpool or the eddy – the vortex – from the swirling stuff which is the cause of it (a whirlpool or an eddy – a vortex – of water or air, for example, is the very swirling water or air as the one is not distinct from the other) ... hence ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 44e, 9 October 2003).

Such perspicacious observing can also aid the acquiescence of ‘me’, the feeler, to lay down ‘my’ burden –

Richard: The question that the ‘I’ that was inhabiting this body back in 1981 asked was: ‘what am I saving myself for’?

Alan: And yet, ‘I’ know it is inevitable, if I am to fulfil my destiny.

Richard: Aye, to escape one’s fate and achieve one’s destiny is what one is alive for: being here – now – is the very reason one was born.

Alan: As you said in one of your posts (approximately), it is an irresistible pull, a momentum and impetus which is not of ‘my’ doing.

Richard: Yes, once altruistically set in motion, a momentum happens of its own accord. One knows, from the perfection of freedom from the human condition as evidenced in the PCE, that it is possible to live the actuality that is already always here. What ‘I’ do is unreservedly allow ‘my’ eventual demise to occur ... pure intent, born out of the connection between one’s inherent naiveté and the perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe, will provide one with the necessary intestinal fortitude. And once embarked upon the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom, you are not on your own: this perfection is with you all the way ... but if you waver, you are indeed doing it on your own. It is a matter of having the courage of your convictions and letting nothing stand in your way; determination and perseverance are the essential prerequisites to ensure success ... coupled with application and diligence. One finds one must – one needs must actually do it – for no one else will do it for you as no one else can do it for you. And although one may think and feel that it would be a lonely journey to take on one’s own it is not ... it is the most joyous escapade one can ever enter into.

It is the jaunt of a lifetime.

Alan: It is like being on the outer edge of a massive whirlpool, being dragged closer and closer, and faster and faster, to the inevitable moment of entering the vortex – and ‘popping’ out the other side – I see I have not yet quite lost the imaginative faculty!

Richard: Yet this is so correct, for I am talking of nothing else but extirpation ... annihilation ... extinction ... the non-existence of any identity whatsoever. All of one’s precious ‘being’ will disappear ... not only the ego but the soul as well. ‘I’ and/or ‘me’ will cease to exist in any way, shape or form.

What you are calling ‘the vortex’ is blessed oblivion ... the same-same as physical death. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Alan-b, 13 December 1999).

Which means, when you can be friendly with yourself whilst being this “fundamental insecurity”, and slowly realize and acknowledge that oblivion is what you always wanted – then you have nothing more to defend or to hide, as Pamela said to Richard in the PCE video (thank you Ed for the transcript).

KUBA: And it’s funny because it is a bit like an appendix at this point haha, in that it has nothing to do anymore, no reason to be and yet it is just there.
Actually I should probably amend the above to say ‘I’ am the appendix that is just there now without any reason and hence ‘I’ feel insecure for taking up space.

VINEETO: Not so quick, you may think so, but ‘you’, who you now call the appendix, does not feel so, else there would be no feeling of insecurity. ‘You’ still have a job to do, which is to whole-heartedly embrace the fact that ‘you’ are indeed redundant and consequently agree to ‘your’ demise. And you know when it is “whole-heartedly” because then there will be no feeling of insecurity, only joyous anticipation and marvelling appreciation.

Cheers Vineeto

March 20 2026

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Isn’t it amazing that doing what is happening and “allowing what is already here” is so stunningly different to how ‘I’ have lived all of ‘my’ life that it is worth writing it out in detail with exclamation marks. That is power of the instinctual-social programming with its psychic-imaginative faculty, and one needs to slowly disentangle oneself from its grip and seriousness.

I enjoyed your childhood episode of somewhat recognizing then of “everything already happening” –

Kuba: Me and my brother used to say this to each other as little kids “you can’t be doing nothing you are sat down!”

This aspect of ‘doing’ nothing and yet everything already happening is exactly the current theme in ‘my’ progressive redundancy, or more ‘my’ progressive acceptance of already being redundant haha.

It took some getting used to at first, it still does, and yet it does deliver the goods when allowed.

This is all part of delightfully rediscovering one’s childhood naiveté, only this time with adult sensibilities.

KUBA: I remember a while ago I commented about what I saw as Vineeto’s unyielding optimism, and her reply was essentially that – although she understands why I would see it that way, it is not actually optimism, it is simply that actual freedom is my destiny.

Here is what you are referring to –

Kuba: It’s funny because in the past when ‘I’ was making ‘my’ way through the dramas it was very hard to tell at times if ‘I’ was heading in the right direction. It was very beneficial to have what ‘I’ experienced from you as this “unyielding optimism”, because from ‘my’ side it didn’t always look so good. Now looking from the current vantage point ‘I’ can share in the optimism.

Vineeto: I understand why you call it optimism, but actually, it’s your destiny. (Actualism, Actualvineeto, Kuba6, 12 April 2025)

KUBA: What I am describing above is exactly that kind of seeing, it is outside of optimism/ pessimism or belief/ disbelief, it is seeing that to live as a flesh and blood body only is exactly what we are all here for and everything is already in place for this to be the case.

VINEETO: This “kind of seeing” is what Richard calls apperception and when it happens it confirms, each time again, where your destiny lies.

When ‘I’ return, as ‘I’ frequently do, from periods of apperception, have you noticed any change in the intensity of ‘self’-centricity?

Cheers Vineeto

March 22 2026

KUBA: Hi Vineeto,

VINEETO: When ‘I’ return, as ‘I’ frequently do, from periods of apperception, have you noticed any change in the intensity of ‘self’-centricity?

KUBA: Yes in fact I have! I was just observing this yesterday. ‘I’ have changed recently, actually this quote from Richard’s journal describes the change quite well :

Richard: “Pure intent produces total dedication. It is experienced as an irresistible enticement. It makes it impossible not to do what is required, or to sweep an issue under the carpet, or to let sleeping dogs lie, or to continue to conform to the long-failed dictates of the status-quo. One finds oneself unable to neglect, or fail to care for, oneself or the other … or for the plants, if they need tending. One cannot ignore their plight. This glorious garden is a clearly visible example of how one can operate with oneself and another.” (Richard’s Journal, Article 4).

Actually it’s cool because (to use Geoffrey’s words) before ‘I’ tried to grasp the process the “doorway” seemed to be indeed as big as the universe and then later once ‘I’ grasped it, it became exactly “small and vanishing”.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

I appreciate your detailed description and the various insights you gained such as “it’s nice to be nice, to be liking and likeable”, also that when you resurrected the ‘doer’, the “doorway” became “small and vanishing”. It seems to me those changes happen without ‘your’ doing (when you allow it) and you often only notice in hindsight what happened, and slowly get used to the unfamiliar, different way of being.

KUBA: Experientially I am quite familiar with the target now, I realise that in the past I actually had no clue what I was aiming for with regards to actual freedom so of course ‘I’ created imaginary targets and aimed for those.

Whereas now I have utmost confidence that the world glimpsed in those periods of apperceptiveness, the world of the “utter fullness”, is the correct target, it is the actual world where this body already exists without any input from ‘me’. There is also a surety that to live in the world of the “utter fullness” is my destiny, and it is already here. (…)

VINEETO: Now that you have “utmost confidence” you are indeed aiming for the “correct target” (very, very important), have you pondered the question of irrevocability? – as in Claudiu’s report of Geoffrey’s words –

Claudiu: It’s not kid stuff. It’s not a playground ride or a roller coaster where you get on it then come back and get off and you’re back to where you were. It is a one-way ride with no return ticket. So long as the enormity of it is not grasped – to which fear and dread are a normal response – then it’s still just being on the playground ride. (Actualism, Others, Claudiu-Geoffrey Report, 30 May 2025).

I am not necessarily suggesting you are on a “playground ride” but the very fact that ‘my’ demise will be irrevocable needs a clear, unwavering and unequivocal concurrence.

Richard: … Will one dare to venture into unknown territory? Will one devote oneself to becoming totally free of sorrow and malice? Will one become, for the first time, happy and harmless? When one sees the appalling misery and utter danger that lies in remaining ‘I’ and ‘me’, the psychological and psychic entities within the body, there is only one response ... immediate and irrevocable action. With ‘I’ and ‘me’ extirpated, then – and only then – is there actual peace-on-earth. And this provides the possibility of a global peace ... not that that matters all that much when one is autonomous. (Richard, List B, No. 19, #pacifism).

KUBA: Although the matter of “how will the deal be sealed” is still an experiential question mark.

VINEETO: Your question will only be answered after it happened. I am reminded of a conversation I had with Claudiu –

Vineeto: I enjoyed reading your post “it’s no longer a “whether” I will self-immolate, but a “how will I do it?””

At this point even the “how will I do it?” is a distraction/ an excuse for putting it off – and I say this from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience. When you say !YES! with your whole being, it is no longer a question of ‘how’.

There is only action and the sweetness of pure intent to have it happen.

(Do you ask ‘how’ before you jump over a rivulet or before you open a window or crack an egg for breakfast?)

The relevant question at this point is “when” and the answer is easy – there is always only this moment. (Actualism, Actualvineeto, Claudiu2, 30 September 2024).

Cheers Vineeto

March 23 2026

VINEETO: Now that you have “utmost confidence" you are indeed aiming for the “correct target" (very, very important), have you pondered the question of irrevocability?

KUBA: I have been pondering this question of irrevocability, whilst making sure I don’t invite the ‘doer’ in the process haha.

But really the danger is in remaining ‘me’, or even the possibility of a ‘me’ to return to, the irrevocability is actually a blessing. That’s as far as the pondering has come to.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Mmh, you have the cart before the horse. What you call “the danger is in remaining ‘me’” is a hope in disguise.

If you feel that there is a “possibility of a ‘me’ to return” then the consent to ‘your’ demise is not total. And unless it is total it will not happen.

It’s altogether a very fascinating process.

Cheers Vineeto

March 23 2026

KUBA: Hi Vineeto,

Thank you, I find it amazing that you can articulate what you just did! It reminds me of a forum member coming to the (clearly erroneous) conclusion that Richard’s and Vineeto’s “poor arguments” regarding climate change are a potential sign of early onset dementia or something of the kind…

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

KUBA: Yes I see your point loud and clear – The totality and irrevocability of ‘my’ demise has not been grasped fully to begin with if ‘I’ am entertaining scenarios of ‘me’ coming back or not, it is hope and despair in disguise.

VINEETO: Yes, when you have fully grasped “the totality and irrevocability of ‘my’ demise” there will be no doubts left. No phoenix can rise from the ashes – there won’t be any ashes.

I read Srinath becoming-free-report again and this part stood out –

Srinath: That night I stood in the balcony knowing that something was required to convince me to let go of the controls. I kept thinking about that last piece of pizza that was me and what the reason could there be to ‘die’? It seemed like I was hanging on by a very thin thread that stayed firmly in place. At that point I saw my girlfriend lying on the couch and once again I could see that what was separating us was ‘me’. I went out to the balcony and looked down and saw some people walking. I could see that even though everything was nearly perfect that last little bit of ‘me’ was there separating myself from everyone else on this planet and spoiling perfection. The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance. I had to ‘die’ so that this body and every other body could live peacefully. I would need to truly die. The enormity of this dawned on me suddenly like it never had before. The enormity of what I had to give up. It took my breath away. Suddenly I felt a twinge of sadness that emerged from me like a thin pungent streak. But it cut-off abruptly as if in mid-air, still-born.

Nothing else happened.

It was all over in about 2 seconds. [Emphasis added]. (Becoming Free Reports, Srinath)

Cheers Vineeto

March 24 2026

VINEETO: I re-read the paragraph you mentioned (Sundry, Facts and Group Think, Global Waming) but I couldn’t find the connection. Out of curiosity, could you explain it to me?

KUBA: Oh there was no connection to the main thrust of our discussion, it was more a side point, that I found it quite amazing that you were able to articulate what you did in your reply to me, it would have my head spinning to try to put it into words. Because it not only takes that you understand from ‘my’ descriptions what is going on but then you are able to relate it back in a way that makes sense. Basically not something that a person with impaired cognitive faculties would be capable of doing. I guess just the clarity of it all stood out to me.

I do personally find that with ‘me’ more out of the way the brain is able to operate with much more clarity. I notice this when I try to speak polish, because I left Poland 20 years ago and don’t speak the language almost ever, except when I visit family etc. And I noticed that in those periods when ‘I’ am virtually out of the way my polish is rather crisp! and then when ‘I’ am back muddling things up it gets very broken again haha.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Ah, I understand now. You were reminded of yourself being similarly ‘muddled’ as the commentator once was in the ‘Global Warming’ thread. It is always astounding – and ‘Vineeto’ experienced it regularly – how the moment a feeling takes hold, any clear thinking goes out the window. Hence the suggestion to get back to feeling good before contemplating about the trigger which had caused a diminishment in enjoying and appreciating being alive.

*

VINEETO: Yes, when you have fully grasped “the totality and irrevocability of ‘my’ demise” there will be no doubts left. No phoenix can rise from the ashes – there won’t be any ashes.

I read Srinath becoming-free-report again and this part stood out –

Srinath: That night I stood in the balcony knowing that something was required to convince me to let go of the controls. I kept thinking about that last piece of pizza that was me and what the reason could there be to ‘die’? It seemed like I was hanging on by a very thin thread that stayed firmly in place. At that point I saw my girlfriend lying on the couch and once again I could see that what was separating us was ‘me’. I went out to the balcony and looked down and saw some people walking. I could see that even though everything was nearly perfect that last little bit of ‘me’ was there separating myself from everyone else on this planet and spoiling perfection. The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance. I had to ‘die’ so that this body and every other body could live peacefully. I would need to truly die. The enormity of this dawned on me suddenly like it never had before. The enormity of what I had to give up. It took my breath away. Suddenly I felt a twinge of sadness that emerged from me like a thin pungent streak. But it cut-off abruptly as if in mid-air, still-born.

Nothing else happened.

It was all over in about 2 seconds. (Becoming Free Reports, Srinath)

KUBA: Hmm it’s quite fascinating, it seems to me that I have had glimpses of this, especially the past week or so there has been times with that kind of experiencing, where it seems it could have happened at any moment. BUT there was always this sense of choice, that I could go this way or that way, rather than it being an inevitability, which I presume is where the enormity of it can be fully grasped.

VINEETO: Ha, don’t postpone the exploring the enormity of the fact that you will need to cease ‘being’ in your totality because at present you don’t experience “it being an inevitability”. Again, it is in your hands how much you allow ‘self’-immolation to become an obsession as Srinath described it well in the lead-up to his own event –

Srinath: I was getting more and more obsessed with my ending. I was like an excited kid with a new video game! Self-immolation was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing at night. I began to feel ever more strongly that I was on the brink of something. I was revving up my desire and then revving it up some more to paraphrase Richard. On the 29/10/18 I had a spectacular and very vivid dream that I had become actually free. I woke up in bed at 3am right after and felt clear and wondrous, with no trace of ‘me’ that I could discern. In retrospect this was obviously a PCE but I wanted to be free so badly I ended up twisting it into an ASC. I thought maybe this could be the first ever case of someone self-immolating in a dream... I mean who’s to say! Lol. I had been here before though and smelled a rat. I was able to get myself out of it quickly. Rather than dissuade me, I took the dream as a good omen. It seemed that my entire psyche was in alignment with the goal. It fuelled my determination even more. I resolved to bust through any number of false doors if need be, until I found the genuine one-way door marked self-immolation.

I spend the days prior to the event, wondering about self-immolation constantly and this preoccupation brought about a change to the atmosphere around me. I was constantly in a state of excellence, but there was also this sense of imminence of what was about to happen and that was very thrilling. I really want to keep ‘me’ in my sights at all times. I didn’t need any more PCE’s. I had more than enough of these. No wriggling out and trying to buy time. Richard had said that I needed to want it like nothing before. (Becoming Free Reports, Srinath)

KUBA: The words “it could happen” means that ‘I’ still have a choice, some wiggle room, and where there is wiggle room, ‘I’ wiggle out!

Reading Srinath’s words, ‘he’ had no choice at that pivotal moment of seeing – “I would need to truly die. The enormity of this dawned on me suddenly like it never had before. The enormity of what I had to give up. It took my breath away.”

VINEETO: You do realise, do you, that Srinath had no choice because he gave himself no longer a choice? He wanted it so totally (“I wanted to be free so badly”) that there was no question of backing out again, and even a PCE-come-ASC could not divert him from his destiny.

It seems to me that unless you put all your eggs in one basket and thus increase the intensity of wanting it like you never ever wanted anything before, you’ll be dilly-dallying until your hair go grey.

KUBA: Indeed it looks that for altruism to be activated there can be no choice left for ‘me’, only the seeing which triggers “immediate and irrevocable action”.

It is as if ‘I’ have been progressively removing the various choices, that is the very aspect of approaching ‘my’ destiny, but there is still currently some wiggle room left, and so ‘I’ can go on for a little longer.

VINEETO: It sounds like you are merely theorizing when you say “it looks that” and “it is as if” and that you have not yet fully engaged in finding the definite answer. This was the question ‘Richard’ asked ‘himself’ back in 1981 – it gave ‘him’ the courage and stamina and persistence to go all the way –

Alan: Am ‘I’ really willing to sacrifice ‘my’ self to allow this to happen?

Richard: The question that the ‘I’ that was inhabiting this body back in 1981 asked was: ‘what am I saving myself for’?

Alan: And yet, ‘I’ know it is inevitable, if I am to fulfil my destiny.

Richard: Aye, to escape one’s fate and achieve one’s destiny is what one is alive for: being here – now – is the very reason one was born.

Alan: As you said in one of your posts (approximately), it is an irresistible pull, a momentum and impetus which is not of ‘my’ doing.

Richard: Yes, once altruistically set in motion, a momentum happens of its own accord. One knows, from the perfection of freedom from the human condition as evidenced in the PCE, that it is possible to live the actuality which is already always here.

What ‘I’ do is unreservedly allow ‘my’ eventual demise to occur ... pure intent, born out of the connection between one’s inherent naiveté and the perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe, will provide one with the necessary intestinal fortitude.

And once embarked upon the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom, you are not on your own: this perfection is with you all the way ... but if you waver, you are indeed doing it on your own ...’. [Emphases added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Alan-b, 13 December 1999).

Cheers Vineeto

March 25 2026

KUBA: Hi Vineeto,

I understand what you are saying, of putting all eggs in one basket and going for it. However what I have been particularly cognisant of the past 6 months or so is not falling into the same trap where I did in the past. Whatever that place was I do not want to land there again, and back then no amount of pushing did the trick, it only created more imaginary worlds and more unpalatable resistance. So the past 6 months or so I would describe what I have been doing as consistently inching forward, taking small but genuine steps towards evincing my destiny. My motion forward has been more meticulous and less fanatical.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Thank you for your report of “small but genuine steps”. As such my suggestion of “putting all eggs in one basket” was premature. Only you can know what pace is the best way forward for you. For instance, I am reminded of Srinath saying –

Srinath: Initially I tried too much to force myself via the format that Vineeto, No. 15 (D) and Geoffrey used in their reports. Even though those early efforts failed, doing so made me realise what was lacking. I realised that I would have to do it my own way. Others’ maps were all well and good but I had to blaze my own trail and it would have to come authentically from my own experience. I decided I would gather everything together experientially while focussing on the end: taking my time, rather than forcing it. In hindsight I was inching closer, but it was really hard to know this back then. (Becoming Free Reports, Srinath).

Here is what Geoffrey reported regarding the weeks leading up to the event –

[Questioner 5]: … Can you tell me what things were like in the weeks or months before, before you decided to allow pure intent to be dynamically operative and self-immolation to occur? e.g. was there a gradual build-up? were you engaged with the question of self-immolation, having regular PCE’s or maybe not really doing much?

Geoffrey: That is another one where I have to say again that this is not advice, but only my report. Anyone’s way is going to be different.

Here is what I posted here on the 4th of September, when coming back from a few months ‘away’:

“Well, I felt like I was hitting a wall again and again regarding going further towards self-immolation. I knew it had something to do with ‘trying’ too much, or ‘doing’ too much. That I was, in my ‘adventures’, stuck inside ‘me’, that it was all (but PCEs and Pure intent) inside ‘my’ realm, whatever I was doing.

So I decided I needed a holiday from ‘doing’, from ‘trying’. There must have been some actualist morality in my endeavours, and some cunning, that kept me inside ‘me’ while faking ‘progress’ towards the end of ‘me’.

So I closed Slack [actualism discussion forum] and went on with my life. Not ‘pushing’ towards anything. I found out I enjoyed and appreciated, without it being something I was ‘supposed’ to do. I had EEs here and there, quite a few realizations. And it was all much more easy and peaceful, ‘natural’ somehow, without the ‘pressure’ I was putting on myself to ‘perform’ actualism-wise.

No PCEs though... until a few days ago. This PCE got me back here. And back on track towards self-immolation.”

What I would add now, in hindsight, is what I’d done in those months was getting rid of excessive ‘luggage’, and keeping nothing but the memory of the PCE and pure intent, but not as something I was supposed to do as an actualist, not as an ‘accessory’ to the goal of self-immolating, but as something that was ‘naturally’ in my mind, like the air I breathed.

Then that spontaneous PCE occurred, and I was ready. (Becoming Free Reports, Geoffrey, Answer to Q5).

For what it’s worth, feeling being ‘Vineeto’ had a long period of hesitation to get-out-from-under-control[1] being concerned ‘she’ would inadvertently become enlightened instead – because at the time there was no precedent of how the Direct Route would unfold.

[1] a long period of hesitation: that is until the 1^st convivium meeting where Richard “impressed” upon ‘her’ the necessity of being out-from-control –

RICHARD: No, it was no coincidence that I impressed upon Vineeto the necessity of being out-from-control/ in a different-way-of being (which was most unusual of me to do so) but it was only with the benefit of hindsight, of course, that it was specifically because of Devika’s/ Irene’s death that all what thereafter ensued came about.

‘Tis amazing how quick its effect was ... within the very hour. (Richard, List D, No. 25, 6 February 2012).

I agree with Geoffrey that “anyone’s way is going to be different” or is experienced to be different when approaching ‘self’-immolation. In hindsight they are very similar – “it is over in seconds”.

One can compare it to the process from craft to art –

Richard: It all started over 20 years ago when the ‘I’ who was made a living as an artist ... ‘my’ greatest work came when ‘I’ disappeared and the painting painted itself in what is sometimes known as an ‘aesthetic experience’. This is the difference between art and craft – and ‘I’ was very good as a craftsman – but craft became art only when ‘I’ was not present. All art is initially a representation and, as such, is a reflection funnelled by the artist so that he/she can express what they are experiencing in order to see for themselves – and show to others – what is going on ‘behind the scenes’ as it were. However, when one is fully engrossed in the act of creating art – wherein the painting paints itself – the art-form takes on a life of its own and ceases to be a representation during the event. It is its own actuality. One can only stand in amazement and wonder – which is not to negate the very essential patiently acquired skills and expertise – and this marvelling is what was experienced back when I was a normal person. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 10, 20 May 2000).

KUBA: In that sense so far things have actually been going great, in that there is no longer this unpalatable resistance and I am no longer entertaining illusions, well as far as it goes haha. And progressively the various obstacles to enjoyment and appreciation are also falling by the wayside. For example I notice that this feeling of “excuse me for taking up space” is now taking its leave, it no longer has anything to hold it in place.

So it has been very much a case of applying the in the meantime method and slowly inching forward, then from the new vantage point looking again at the possibility of self-immolation to see what I can make of it, and then inching some more if I am not yet ready. Which I see what you are saying, I could do this sort of motion for ever, and yet trying to skip ahead has been a disaster in the past. So I guess what I am trying to say is that my total concern lately has been in making sure that whatever motion forward happens is genuine motion and not a facade, this has been the priority.

VINEETO: I appreciate your diligence – only you can know when you are ready – and when you are genuinely ready it will be too late to stop it.

Cheers Vineeto

May 4 2026

KUBA: My sights have been constantly on actual freedom, although there has been so much enjoyment and appreciation in the meantime. Since the other day it has happened a few times that I experienced the sweetness of pure intent and following in that direction there were glimpses of the actual world, where there is only that pure intent, everywhere all at once. And this feature is outstanding too, that this what is happening now is so incredible, and yet that world (where pure intent is everywhere all at once / all that is left) is another ballgame altogether.

Richard: After living in the condition of virtual freedom for sufficient time to absorb all the ramifications of a blithesome life, it is highly likely that the ultimate condition can happen. ‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen. An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before. One has to become acclimatised to benignity, benevolence and blitheness, because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would “blow the fuses” if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared. To precipitously apprehend the vast stillness of infinitude would be too much, too fast, too soon … one could go mad with the super-abundance of pleasure that pours forth. The in-built tendency of the universe to achieve the optimum knows best as to when the time is right. (Richard’s Journal, Article 23, pp. 168/169)

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

I much appreciate your delightful reports. As you noticed I have taken a backseat on commenting to what you write as it is explicit in itself. Regarding your remark that “I am not sure if there is anything else that ‘I’ need to do / can do, which is not already happening” I just found a succinct summary of Respondent No. 4, List D, which expresses what he described as the actualism process (whilst still in-control himself) –

Richard: His summary at Message No. 8138 contains the most succinct way I have seen to deliver the essence of how actualism operates (the second last paragraph) –

Respondent No. 4: It all starts with being as fundamentally benign as possible. That’s the bedrock on which you can base an in-control happiness ... which can then lead to an out-from-control happiness/ delight/ wonderment ... which leads to more and more direct experiences of the actual world ... where everything is doing itself.

And once you tap into this often enough, and the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in. (Message 8138, 11 December 2009).

(Richard, List D, No. 12, 12 December 2009).

The addition from the closing paragraph of the same post is for sheer enjoyment –

Richard: I will leave the remainder of your response for another day as ... um ... as The-Lady-Who-Had-The-5-Month-PCE and The-Spouse-Of-The-Lady-Who-Had-The-Five-Month-PCE will be arriving shortly to spend the day with me.

As that laboured nomenclature is somehow reminiscent of Mr. Rolf Harris’ ditty ‘The Court of King Caractacus’ I will be making it a first priority to have them both come up with something much simpler.

As to “the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in”, this excerpt from the Direct Route correspondence may be informative –

Subscriber No. 10: Could you describe any differences (no matter how subtle) between actual freedom and PCE’s?

Vineeto: It’s not subtle at all.

The PCE always had a ‘WOW’-factor, which happens when the identity (in abeyance) comments on this body’s experience of the actual world. In an actual freedom this ‘WOW’-factor is absent – everything is just ordinary and magical at the same time.

In a PCE I always knew (apart from the very first PCE) that this experience would eventually fade whereas an actual freedom is forever and can therefore be explored far deeper and infinitely further (literally) than any PCE ever could.

A PCE has a static quality to it as the identity is in abeyance and temporarily ‘allows’ this flesh and blood body a brief glimpse into the actual world whereas an actual freedom is the dynamic vital in-depth and forever ongoing experience of the magic quality of actuality each moment again.

Subscriber No. 10: This ‘sweetness’ that is talked about is still affective? So, it is as close as a feeling-entity can be to actual freedom, but it is not as close to actual freedom as a PCE?

Vineeto: Peter wrote in his report – Peter: “a sweetness that was palpable rather than feeling based. I heard the words ‘This is not only for me, this is for everybody’ as I was literally being bathed in this sweetness.”

I [‘Vineeto’] reported that “I had known this sweetness from previous occasions – one such experience happened during the video-shoot of the ‘Out-from-Control’ DVD we present on the website. This sweetness always accompanied an experience (...) that I was close to my destiny and an awareness that what I am doing/ longing for is not merely for my ‘peace of mind’, but that it is for everybody, for every single man, woman and child on the planet – for peace on earth.”

This experience of sweetness is about being close to one’s destiny (actual freedom) whereas a PCE is a glimpse into the actual world that can happen anywhere/ anywhen on the path/ during the process to one’s destiny. (Direct Route, No. 10, 15 January 2010).

Cheers Vineeto

May 5 2026

KUBA: Hi Vineeto,

Coincidentally I was about to write a post today detailing what has been going on recently and at the end I began writing about a gun which was loaded and the trigger needed to be pulled, I stopped right there as I remembered that Geoffrey had settled this already… and here I was talking about the psychic gun!

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Ha, both the ‘shooter’ and the ‘shootée’ have to disappear, voluntarily.

Here is the pivotal sentence in the link you provided –

Geoffrey: When one knows what it is one wants, and when one knows what it is one must sacrifice, then only the sensible action remains.

KUBA: As to “the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in” (Message 8138, 11 December 2009) I was contemplating all this a little earlier and I was reminded of what Srinath wrote after becoming actually free:

And how I have been experiencing life the past couple of weeks, there is a big window open to this kind of experiencing, apperceptiveness shows a world which has nothing to do with ‘me’ or ‘my’ machinations. But yes then at times I have been wondering, is there something ‘I’ must do back in ‘my’ world, which in practice it only ever ends up being a decoy, some ‘adventure’ that only goes around in circles and ends up with ‘me’ looking for the ‘psychic gun’.

VINEETO: Even though you compare your experience to what Srinath wrote after he became actually free, fact is that ‘you’ are still a feeling being and are naturally assessing your experience (once apperceptiveness subsides) from ‘your’ perspective – in short, can ‘I’ live in this actual world ‘I’ remember having experienced. The phrase “something ‘I’ must do back in ‘my’ world” [emphasis added] might give you the illusion you have left ‘your’ world, which you haven’t. You described it more precisely before – “there is a big window open” and you are inside, more and more looking out the window.

When you assess with the apperceptiveness/ PCE ‘self’-less perspective (whilst still experiencing the actual world) you know full well that there is no question that your flesh-and-blood body not only can live in the actual world but thrive far better than you do now. In a PCE you know that this actual world is where I belong, that I have always been here, where everything is perfect and magical.

As such, what you confirm with your choice of words (“there is a big window open”), is that the final arbiter is ‘you’, the feeling being. As such, “when you know what you want”, all ‘you’ do is (eventually) agreeing to ‘your’ demise, permanently, irrevocably, and manumit the flesh-and-blood body Kuba from ‘your’ dominance.

manumit [from Latin manumittere, lit. ‘send out from one’s hand’]: release from slavery; release from bondage or servitude; set free. (Oxford Dictionary).

The word manumission is very useful, on occasion, as to be manumitted is to be freed: the word freed stresses being autonomous, the complete absence of being ruled; (Richard, Abditorium, Manumit)

In other words, to paraphrase Geoffrey, do you know “what it is one must sacrifice” ? Do you know “without a shadow of a doubt that ‘I’ am the cause of every evil, corruption, dirt… just because ‘I’ am ‘so precious’. How ‘I’ mess everything up for myself and everybody just because ‘I’ am. And not some dissociated ‘I’ with enough quotes not to be me, but me right now thinking this”? (Geoffrey, Becoming Free Report)

Because when you do know, with all your ‘being’ and without a shadow of a doubt, “then only the sensible action remains”.

KUBA: I think I understand well what you are pointing to, actually this is the aspect which is enabled via the diminishing of self-centricity, there is ongoing experiential confirmation that a world exists which has nothing to do with ‘me’. This kind of experiencing is where I have been hovering, unsure whether it is the allowing of that or something needing to be done back in ‘my’ world which is required.

VINEETO: What I thought be valuable information for you was:

1) that Actual Freedom is so much more magnificent and magical than one can ever experience in a PCE or in glimpses of apperceptiveness, and

2) that experiencing the sweetness of pure intent – embracing and appreciating the purity and overarching benignity and benevolence of the infinite universe – as described by the pioneers (Actualism, Actualvineeto, Articles, Sweetness) might entice you, as an ongoing fatal attraction, to follow this golden clew closer and closer to your destiny.

What is required for an actual freedom to occur is allowing your complete and irrevocable abdication (into blessed oblivion) for the benefit of this body, that body and every body, nothing more, nothing less.

The way it happens is no via control (“a psychic gun”) but “when it becomes more and more difficult to distinguish the difference between one doing it (doing this business called being alive) and it happening of its own accord”. (Richard, Private correspondence with Claudiu, 29 February 2012).

Richard: (Being out-from-control/ in a different-way-of-being is quite daunting to contemplate as an on-going EE marks the end of the beginning of the end of ‘me’ and the commencement of the actualism process – as distinct from the actualism method – wherein a momentum not of ‘my’ doing takes over and an inevitability sets in; in an on-going EE the actual world has the effect of impelling one towards it – like a moth to a candle as the overarching benignity and benevolence of the actual increasingly operates such as to render ‘my’ felicity/ innocuity increasingly redundant; this is where being the nearest a ‘self’ can be to innocence – the naiveté located betwixt the core of being and the sexual centre (where one is both likeable and liking) – is attached as if with a golden thread or clew to the purity of actual innocence; an on-going EE is, thus, where one becomes acclimatised to benignity and benevolence and the resultant blitheness because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would ‘blow the fuses’ if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared). (Richard, List D, No. 12, 9 December 2009a)

Cheers Vineeto

May 6 2026

KUBA: … it would be a more correct metaphor to say that ‘I’ am in a greenhouse, with that wondrous quality being all around, as in a 360. And the ‘boundaries’ of the greenhouse are not solid but rather porous, …

KUBA: Oh and as were at it let me mention another thing which could well be another illusion generated by ‘me’ but it is interesting nevertheless.

So I experienced this as 2 completely different things, one being ‘me’ jumping from illusion to illusion and the other being ‘my’ dissolution which reveals the already always existing actuality.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

I wrote my reply to your first two messages last night but decided to hold off to see what happens. I am nevertheless sending my earlier response because those reminders may well come in handy should ‘you’, the persistent passionate and cunning identity, play another trick on you.

*

Unless one takes fully on board, that ‘I’ have to die in ‘my’ entirety you are liable to jump from “illusion to illusion”, every one more ‘real’ than the previous. “That self-immolation is” not “when those boundaries which give ‘me’ ‘my’ very real existence are dissolved” because ‘you’ have not yet given permission for that to happen. “Those boundaries” do not dissolve of their own accord, the instinct for ‘self’-preservation is too strong. The passion for individual survival is surpassed only by the passion for species survival – hence altruism is essential. Even though you say you “experienced this as 2 completely different things” both alternatives were illusions.

It may be opportune to again fully contemplate this –

Richard: To put it bluntly: ‘you’ in ‘your’ totality, who are but a passionate illusion, must die a dramatic illusory death commensurate to ‘your’ pernicious existence. The drama must be played out to the end ... there are no short-cuts here. The doorway to an actual freedom has the word ‘extinction’ written on it. This extinction is irrevocable, which eliminates the psyche itself. When this is all over there will be no ‘being’ at all. Thus when ‘I’ willingly self-immolate – psychologically and psychically – then ‘I’ am making the most noble sacrifice that ‘I’ can make for oneself and all humankind ... for ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear. It is ‘my’ moment of glory. It is ‘my’ crowning achievement ... it makes ‘my’ petty life all worth while. It is not an event to be missed ... to physically die without having experienced what it is like to become dead is such a waste of a life. (Richard, List B, No. 13, 26 May 1999)

And this –

Srinath: That night I stood in the balcony knowing that something was required to convince me to let go of the controls. I kept thinking about that last piece of pizza that was me and what the reason could there be to ‘die’? It seemed like I was hanging on by a very thin thread that stayed firmly in place. At that point I saw my girlfriend lying on the couch and once again I could see that what was separating us was ‘me’. I went out to the balcony and looked down and saw some people walking. I could see that even though everything was nearly perfect that last little bit of ‘me’ was there separating myself from everyone else on this planet and spoiling perfection. The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance. I had to ‘die’ so that this body and every other body could live peacefully. I would need to truly die. The enormity of this dawned on me suddenly like it never had before. The enormity of what I had to give up. It took my breath away. [Emphasis added]. (Srinath, Becoming Free Report).

I am not saying this to scare you but to point out a way out of those obviously persistent illusions that you can take your ‘self’ with you into an actual freedom through some “porous boundaries”.

There is also this report from Claudiu to you about his visit to Geoffrey –

Claudiu: Basically the way he put it is, what will happen in the universe if I physically die? Essentially nothing except this body is dead (most of it will continue as-is). And the point is that the only difference with self-immolating rather than dying, is that there is a body that will continue being conscious (and not fall into a coma or whatever). But for me it will be exactly the same as if the body physically died, no difference whatsoever for me – total extinction. That put the notion to rest that I would continue in any way after self-immolating.

He also really impressed upon me just how significant this is. It’s not kid stuff. It’s not a playground ride or a roller coaster where you get on it then come back and get off and you’re back to where you were. It is a one-way ride with no return ticket. So long as the enormity of it is not grasped – to which fear and dread are a normal response – then it’s still just being on the playground ride.

Only once this is grasped then can the decision be made to take the leap and continue anyway (otherwise you’re just imagining yourself to be on a cliff but you’re really on a flat ground, and you don’t see the edge to jump off of but only think you do). So you have to actually get to the edge of the cliff (seeing the enormity of the extinction) and only then you can decide to jump.

And that decision to jump, self-immolation doesn’t happen right then – it takes a little longer, which is the final, constantly-accelerating, out-from-control process which Geoffrey experienced for about a week. But he said the experience after jumping is one of constantly accelerating, and also no dread afterwards, the dread part (“wall of fear”) only happens before.

Whether there are different flavours of out-from-control that we have been experiencing or they are different things entirely, and/or figuring out what to call all this, could be an interesting exercise, and maybe of value later, but for now whatever it is, it’s clear we hadn’t done that jump Geoffrey talked about here off the cliff. [Emphasis in original]. (Actualism, Others, Claudiu-Geoffrey Report, 30 May 2025).

When you genuinely and sincerely face this very fact that I will have to die, then such illusionary notion that you live in a luscious greenhouse with “rather porous” boundaries is no longer possible. To say it for emphasis, there is no connection at all between the real world and the actual world. To kid yourself that the boundaries are “rather porous” is only postponing your destiny.

To put is another way – sincerity (and ruthless honesty with yourself) is the key to naiveté, and the actualism process can only take over when one has “given oneself prior permission to have one’s life live itself (i.e., sans the controlling doer), and a different way of being comes about (i.e., where the beer is the operant) – whereupon a thrilling out-from-control momentum takes over and an inevitability sets in – whereafter there is no pulling back (hence the reluctance in having it set in motion) as once begun it is nigh-on unstoppable.” (Richard, List D, Claudiu4, 28 January 2016).

As long as there is any aspect of ‘you’ wanting to existentially avoid the fact that ‘you’ have to die, to disappear/ to ‘self’-immolate/ to vanish without a trace, in order for the actual world to become apparent, you will be reduced to grasping at various “doomsday straws” in the face of the essential insecurity of being a contingent ‘being’.

*

VINEETO: When you assess with the apperceptiveness/ PCE ‘self’-less perspective (whilst still experiencing the actual world) you know full well that there is no question that your flesh-and-blood body not only can live in the actual world but thrive far better than you do now. In a PCE you know that this actual world is where I belong, that I have always been here, where everything is perfect and magical. [Emphasis by Kuba].

KUBA: I was just re-reading your reply and I remembered such a magical moment yesterday. I was teaching a class and it happened completely unexpectedly right as I was in the middle of explaining an exercise to everyone.

Re-memorating this experience makes the point well – that there is no gradation between ‘my’ world and that magical world. No matter how diminished, ‘I’ never set foot in the actual world. That is why ‘I’ sacrifice ‘myself’ – so that everybody can live in that magical world, where they already are..

VINEETO: Excellent. Now that you have a clear and unequivocal benchmark again it is indeed that simple.

Cheers Vineeto

May 7 2026

VINEETO: I am not saying this to scare you but to point out a way out of those obviously persistent illusions that you can take your ‘self’ with you into an actual freedom through some “porous boundaries”.

KUBA: Yes well, I don’t experience dread when reading those descriptions, it could be 2 ways here though – because extinction is what ‘I’ long for OR that ‘I’ have made some protection for ‘myself’ from all those illusory concoctions. Actually I think it is both! Contemplating all this yesterday I heard (imagined) Richard’s voice saying – “What price to end suffering hey?” I think this sums up well how ‘I’ experience all this.

Which is to say that it seems to me by all means that ‘I’ am no longer deterred from proceeding, this is what ‘I’ want, and I know this is the case because I have not experienced any of that “unpalatable resistance” in the past few weeks. but it seems ‘I’ have all those ‘loops’ that ‘I’ can go round in, ways to put off what must happen / what ‘I’ want to happen.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Could it be that you “have not experienced any of that “unpalatable resistance” in the past few weeks” because you chose to have them diverted into those palatable illusions, for instance that “those boundaries” will dissolve of their own accord?

In one way or another “that unpalatable resistance” needs to be acknowledged, accepted as par for the course, and eventually overcome/ dissolved (not resolved) when you embark on the journey to leave your ‘self’ behind.

resolution: the answering of a question; the solving of doubt or a problem; the settlement of a dispute; formerly also, an explanation, a solution; the supplying of an answer. ~ (Oxford Dictionary).

dissolution: the action of bringing to an end; the state of being ended; destruction or ruin of an organised system etc. ~ (Oxford Dictionary).

As Claudiu put it –

Claudiu: So you have to actually get to the edge of the cliff (seeing the enormity of the extinction) and only then you can decide to jump.
And that decision to jump, self-immolation doesn’t happen right then – it takes a little longer, which is the final, constantly-accelerating, out-from-control process which Geoffrey experienced for about a week. But he said the experience after jumping is one of constantly accelerating, and also no dread afterwards, the dread part (“wall of fear”) only happens before.

Whether there are different flavors of out-from-control that we have been experiencing or they are different things entirely, and/or figuring out what to call all this, could be an interesting exercise, and maybe of value later, but for now whatever it is, it’s clear we hadn’t done that jump Geoffrey talked about here off the cliff. (Actualism, Others, Claudiu-Geoffrey Report, 30 May 2025).

KUBA: But as not to set off on another illusory adventure and to tie it back to your previous post. The quote you included – “the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in”… I understand that ‘I’ as the ‘do-er’ cannot make it happen, ‘I’ cannot manufacture a genuine reason to die either. So it is allowing that which is outside of ‘me’ which eventually does ‘me’ in.

VINEETO: You will know when you have in fact made the jump because after that there will no longer be even the option of creating “another illusory adventure” or consider that the controller should pull an imaginary gun. The fact that you presently contemplate these options possibly happening means you still need to find a way traverse the “enormous wall of fear completely encircling all of humankind”. (Out from Control Reports, Vineeto)

Once “given oneself prior permission to have one’s life live itself (i.e., sans the controlling doer), and a different way of being comes about (i.e., where the beer is the operant) – whereupon a thrilling out-from-control momentum takes over and an inevitability sets in – whereafter there is no pulling back (hence the reluctance in having it set in motion) as once begun it is nigh-on unstoppable.” [Emphases added]. (Richard, List D, Claudiu4, 28 January 2016).

Then only the ‘beer’ is operating, not the ‘doer’, and it is the pure intent, gleaned from one’s PCEs, which provides the pull. Then you simply allow doing what is happening, not just occasionally but continuously.

Cheers Vineeto

May 8 2026

KUBA: Hi Vineeto,

I wrote earlier that there is just no other direction that ‘I’ could travel within ‘myself’, that is true. But all the journeys within ‘myself’ were always journeys with a return ticket.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Isn’t it amazing how the human mind works. Sometimes you have to exhaust all possibilities of a certain course of action until you stop – and suddenly the new, so far unseen or unconsidered option becomes visible. It has been sitting there all along but you weren’t ready for it … until now.

KUBA: I had your reply in mind all day today, especially the below:

Vineeto: Once “given oneself prior permission to have one’s life live itself (i.e., sans the controlling doer), and a different way of being comes about (i.e., where the beer is the operant) – whereupon a thrilling out-from-control momentum takes over and an inevitability sets in – whereafter there is no pulling back (hence the reluctance in having it set in motion) as once begun it is nigh-on unstoppable.” [Emphases added]. (Richard, List D, Claudiu4, 28 January 2016).

And indeed I can see now there is a direction in which I have never travelled before and this one is not a path within ‘myself’.

You know I have (about 30min ago) sustained a ligament tear in my knee, possibly partial but it seemed quite severe so possibly a full tear, but actually that currently seems irrelevant (well I know it will get sorted either way). That’s just to highlight how significant this is what I have seen today.

VINEETO: This is an excellent development, and now you have a (serendipitous?) pause in some of your physical activities as well to discover and explore this new, different-way-of-being. It is indeed a radical direction to actually go – radical as in “going to the root or origin”, “characterised by departure from tradition” (Oxford Dictionary).

KUBA: And although I am not currently travelling in that direction / have never travelled in that direction – I can now see that such a direction exists, and has done all along, and this in itself Is huge! Even just coming close to this possibility, allowing/ accepting that it exists, has led to a completely different type of experiencing today.

To sum up, I can see now that a direction exists which does not lead in a circle back to ‘me’. And the “how” of it is spelled out in that quote above.

VINEETO: Obviously, in that complete understanding that everything else has failed to reach your goal you are now ready to explore “just seemed too radical a direction to actually go”. Have you also considered, when contemplating the quote above, that by giving oneself “prior permission to have one’s life live itself” this includes the acquiescence to ‘my’ demise?

It takes the abandoning of hope (in the old ways) and a goodly dose of daring to do that. As you described it before –

Kuba: Which is to say that it seems to me by all means that ‘I’ am no longer deterred from proceeding, this is what ‘I’ want, and I know this is the case because I have not experienced any of that “unpalatable resistance” in the past few weeks. but it seems ‘I’ have all those ‘loops’ that ‘I’ can go round in, ways to put off what must happen / what ‘I’ want to happen.

Cheers Vineeto

May 10 2026

KUBA: Hi Vineeto,

 Srinath: “I was driving my car once and the actual world around me seemed so deliciously magical that I wanted to shout out with joy”. (Srinath, Becoming Free Report).

That particular experience was the peak, but even the rest of the day it was like that in various degrees.

So when it was at that unbelievable peak, I thought well if this is an opportunity to become actually free then I must make use of it. But then at the same time I was aware of what we have arrived at recently, that something else needs to happen still! But then I thought “how on earth could it get more than this!”

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Reading your report is a delight, and I better don’t comment much as to not create a “diversions from feeling good” for you. Course correction can do that; your description gave me a good chuckle.

KUBA: So to sum up I am still looking at this proposition – To give permission to have my life live itself, and yes I have been contemplating how this also includes the acquiescence to ‘my’ demise. And it’s like the fascinated contemplating of all this, with the entirety of ‘my’ being, has changed the atmosphere around me.

VINEETO: As this permission to have your life living itself happens on a deep ‘being’ level (“the entirety of ‘my’ being”), and has already “changed the atmosphere around” you, you can safely allow this contemplation simmer in the background. It’s an exciting, exhilarating and thrilling time and I remember it as ‘her’ happiest time as a feeling being.

KUBA: Oh and in terms of the “wall of fear” still needing to be traversed, I take good note of this. It’s just that in my experiencing I cannot see it so far. There is often this tingling excitation, or like a charge in the air. Definitely still keeping this in mind though.

VINEETO: There might an alternative to looking for the “unpalatable resistance”, and you have already experimented with it –

Kuba: So I woke up pretty excited about this new thing to explore – actual intimacy. It clicked yesterday that essentially I conflated an emotional intimacy with actual intimacy and then wrongly thought that to get close to the other meant to wade into the waters of emotional intimacy. So whatever resistance I had towards getting close to the other, it was based in a misunderstanding.

I have re-memorated the flavour of actual intimacy, a direct experiencing of the other. In short there is nothing that could go wrong there!

And it is a delicious thing, to experience the actuality of the other, that they are here now as a flesh and blood body.

Now I am genuinely excited at this possibility, to experience the other directly.

There is this rather cliché sign that hangs upon entrances to various martial arts academies – “Leave your ego at the door”, the door to actual intimacy has a similar sign but it reads – “Leave ‘your’ self at the door”. (28 September 2005).

And –

Kuba: Oh and another thing! Perhaps part of / the reason for what changed recently, interestingly enough this is how ‘Vineeto’ stepped out from control. Which is that I dared to fully enjoy sex and sexuality, and since then it’s like something opened up, this doorway to a totally naive enjoyment of life. Now knowing that I can fully enjoy sex and sexuality I have nothing else that could possibly be missing. The thing that I realised is that under the guise of ‘actualist morality’ I had been repressing my sex drive, and the other day I remembered something that Richard wrote under the correspondence on sex, that one starts where one is, which as a feeling being it is to ‘be’ that sex drive and thus enter the ‘sexual dimension’ that way, then of course there is the possibility of actuality peeking through. (2 April 2026).

I found this quote from Richard significant –

Respondent: I ask because I’m not really sure what role the sex drive plays in all this.

Richard: The instinctual sex drive has a vital role to play in all this; because ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’ then it is equally the case that ‘I’ am ‘my’ libido and ‘my’ libido is ‘me’. (Richard, List D, No. 20, 11 December 2009).

I said “there might an alternative” because the instinctual sex drive has so far not been explicitly described in becoming free from the human condition but it certainly played a significant role for ‘Vineeto’ to find ‘herself’ on the other side of the wall of fear.

Who knows, you might be pioneering to take it a step further …

Cheers Vineeto

May 12 2026

KUBA: Yesterday I went to teach my evening BJJ class and (this was actually the main reason for the “evening glooms”) I was always so scared to freely and fully enjoy and appreciate whilst there, something about ‘my’ role as a coach which was blocking it. And yesterday it was as if ‘my’ entire ‘being’ had/ was just a big sincere smile from corner to corner, with no hint of resentment or bitterness and no self consciousness at having/ being this. I have never experienced such deeply sincere happiness and harmlessness, ‘I’ was smiling with the entirety of ‘my’ being.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Ha, now you know why Richard invented a new meaning to the word “bester”. Enjoyment and appreciation reach a new level. It looks as if your social role and sense of responsibility as an instructor were in the way and making you self-conscious. It all can falls by the wayside as if by itself.

*

VINEETO: You will know when you have in fact made the jump because after that there will no longer be even the option of creating “another illusory adventure” or consider that the controller should pull an imaginary gun.

KUBA: I am not sure if this means the jump has or has not been made, but I can experientially understand this now. I can see that self-immolation cannot possibly be something done by ‘me’, it is something that will happen to ‘me’, with ‘my’ full agreement. As you said a while back, it is not ‘do-able’ but rather ‘be-able’.

VINEETO: Richard described it as being “unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’” –

Richard: “... one has to want it like one has never wanted anything else before ... so much so that all the instinctual passionate energy of desire, normally frittered away on petty desires, is fuelling and impelling/ propelling one into this thing and this thing only (‘impelling’ as in a pulling from the front and ‘propelling’ as in being pushed from behind). There is a ‘must’ to it (one must do it/ it must happen) and a ‘will’ to it (one will do it/ it will happen) and one is both driven and drawn until there is an inevitability that sets in.

Now it is unstoppable and all the above ceases of its own accord ... one is unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’.

One has escaped one’s fate and achieved one’s destiny”. [emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Rick, 4 January 2006).

The remainder of your post is simply delightful to read.

I have started to read Richard’s List D correspondence again and today I found that his message to No. 25a adds a lot to what you and Claudiu are busy with, to wit, there is no need to dive into/ dwell on explorations into fear and dread for the sake of it (the affective acknowledgement/ awareness that ‘I’ have to die is the crucial component), and then continue to tap into pure intent –

Respondent: How can current actualists bypass such acute experiences of dread on the ‘path’ to freedom? (…) Is there a strategy that can be utilized to bypass or minimize such experiences?

Richard: Yep ... tapping into pure intent should do the trick nicely.

For instance:

#10876
From: richard.actualfreedom
Date: Sat Feb 4, 2012 12:16 am
Subject: Re: [...] about two types of Actual Freedom

• [James] [...] Is the pce necessary? ps: Is the pce necessary for pure intent to come out of this vast stillness?

• [Richard]: G’day James, 
Prior to 11.25 AM (AEDST) on Saturday, the 14th of November, 2009, a pure consciousness experience (PCE) was indeed necessary for pure intent – that benevolence and benignity of the vast and utter stillness of the universe itself – and the reason why a PCE was essential is reported/ described/ explained both on The Actual Freedom Trust website and in ‘Richard’s Journal’.
[...] what the feeling-being inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body all those years ago experienced as an ‘over-arching benevolence and benignity’ was experienced by the feeling-being ‘Peter’, on the 29th of December 2009, as [quote] ‘a sweetness that was palpable’ [endquote] and that ‘he’ was [quote] ‘literally being bathed in this sweetness’ [endquote]. [...].

Other people have reported experiencing that over-arching benevolence and benignity as a palpable sweetness as well.

Pamela, for instance, spoke of it in those terms during the ten minutes or so immediately prior to the pivotal event/ the definitive moment when she became actually free of the instinctual passions/ the feeling-being formed thereof on the 27th of January 2010.

(On another occasion, about three weeks later, she reported experiencing it as being an ‘infinite tenderness’ of such a magnitude as to render her incoherent upon endeavouring to describe it to Vineeto).
Vineeto [...snip...] has written of it, in a private email, as being ‘an overwhelming sweetness, so overwhelmingly sweet that tears were running down my face. At another time I experienced a tenderness so vast that I was speechless for a good time afterwards’.

I mention these reports so as to demonstrate that what the feeling-being inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body all those years ago experienced as an ‘over-arching benevolence and benignity’ may not necessarily be exactly the way others experience it. [...]. (Message 10876, Richard, List D, James, 4 February 2012).

Incidentally, there is a follow-up email (Richard, List D, James, 6 February 2012) to the above post (partly re-presented further below). (Richard, List D, No. 25a, 25 May 2013)

In fact, the whole post is worth reading and digesting because No. 25 is asking about the various reports of fear and dread by Richard as well as ‘Peter’ and ‘Vineeto’, whereupon Richard points out, twice, that after the opening of the Direct Route tapping into pure intent will do the trick, as it had done for the first pioneers. What Richard is referring to is pure intent personified becoming immanently accessible (not via a PCE but now also via a fully actually free person), available now at any time and anywhere, regardless of distance.

Richard: Which means that, these days, when that ‘palpable sweetness’ (for instance) is experienced it is that ‘over-arching benevolence and benignity’ being experienced, by virtue of that immaculate perfection having become manifest in the everyday world as a flesh-and-blood body only, as they are both one and the same thing in essence.

Thus to answer your second question: it is the experiencing of that ‘palpable sweetness’ (for instance) which comes first.

P.S.: As there is now both a male and a female fully here in this actual world, the completely new consciousness (a totally original way of being conscious) for all humankind to avail themselves of is nowadays entirely equitable.

And this is truly marvellous.

(See the footnote in Message No. 10573 Richard, List D, Rick, #1 for some details).

(Richard, List D, James, 6 February 2012).

So you are on the right track allowing the marvellously increasing enjoyment and appreciation, and then tune into and allow the sweetness of being bathed in this overarching benignity, benevolence, sweetness and intimacy, and then the “sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in”.

Cheers Vineeto

May 16 2026

KUBA: So last night seriousness briefly reared its ugly head, I am glad it did because I saw immediately what a totally insalubrious way of living it is, it can never ever deliver the goods. When living seriously ‘I’ invite the whole gamut of ‘my’ sorrow and malice into each and every situation. And at the very best ‘I’ can end up living as a self-righteous prude.

I remember recently when discussing the various possibilities for the arrangements of the actualist gathering, ‘I’ was getting tangled up in knots. Fortunately Geoffrey was also part of those discussions. I found it fascinating, maybe even a bit of an affront to ‘me’, that he did not follow suit in becoming equally tangled up haha. I am reminded of what Richard wrote, that he could not be serious if his life depended on it.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

It is fascinating to read that you first had to get past the initial reaction of feeling “an affront” for someone not taking you and your entanglement seriously, and then you could recognize the sensibility of not being serious yourself. That is how ‘I’ tick, and you might notice most others do as well. Being aware of it, each time it happens, is how to whittle down this instinctually-fuelled habit of taking oneself seriously (really, as being the most important). It’s ubiquitous. Can you see how self-centredness and seriousness are inextricably linked?

Then the amusing aspect of it can become apparent.

KUBA: But then again living seriously is what everyone is doing, what everyone has been doing all this time, and it clearly has not worked to deliver peace and harmony. In fact, I can see now that it works actively against it! As Geoffrey wrote (paraphrasing) every little ‘me’ more precious than the other, on a ridiculous parade of malice in sorrow, with the greatest seriousness!

VINEETO: Yes, I always liked his description and the more you can see the ridiculousness of it, the less self-important you become – and vice versa.

*

KUBA: So it looks like “the fear” has surfaced, it’s quite fascinating what happened / what ‘I’ did… It looks like basically I got heavily spooked at some point in the past, it makes sense as I was not yet ready to proceed and I tried to push right through regardless.

So after that heavy dose of the heebie-jeebies I (as you said) “resolved” that fear away, essentially I conveniently set it aside somewhere in the psyche, and it looks like I did this so well that I could no longer locate it. So then the consequence was that I was playing around in a paddling pool and thinking myself to be falling off the cliff.

VINEETO: Indeed, this fear of ‘me’ being nothing but a contingent ‘being’ with no substance of my own on one hand and the immaculate perfection on the other, can be a “heavy dose of the heebie-jeebies”, as you put it, that it needs a great daring (and caring) to allow it to surface again (and again, if necessary) in order to eventually dissolve it and proceed, rather than push it into the background or rationalise it away. The fact that you “got a whiff of it” means you are able to allow it now.

Richard reports that ‘he’, the identity, having pulled back many times –

Richard: It is the very imminence, of immaculate perfection being the irrevocable actuality, which occasions the pulling-back, turning- away, closing-off, shutting-down, and so on, as only extinction lies ahead. (The way in which a PCE comes about is quite different to how an actual freedom happens: the former occurring via abeyance, of identity in toto/ the entire affective faculty, and the latter via extinction of same).

Indeed, on many an occasion all those years ago (1981) the identity then inhabiting this flesh and blood body pulled-back in alarum, upon the intensity of pleasure reaching such an ever-spiralling momentum as to be mounting exponentially, only to later on chide himself (when back to normal) for not having the intestinal fortitude to have proceeded whilst the vital opportunity was presenting itself.

Put succinctly: this which has been my everyday experiencing for all of seventeen years now – so easily experienceable in a blithe and carefree manner – was discerned back then as being of such a magnitude of intensity that nobody could possibly live that, as an on-going and irrevocable permanency, for more than five-ten minutes at the most ... whereupon physical death must surely happen. (Richard, List D, No. 6, 16 November 2009).

KUBA: So today when I got a whiff of it, I was quite excited actually, the difference now is that I find myself in a far better position to proceed. This fear I no longer experienced as an “unpalatable resistance”, instead I experienced it as this raw apprehension at the prospect of no longer ‘being’. And I was able to allow a fascinated attention right into it, without moving (psychically).

I have been having a very grand time since, which doesn’t necessarily mean it has been dissolved but some headway has been made for sure! There is a lot more I wanted to write about but I am somewhat pressed for time so I will leave it at that for now.

VINEETO: Excellent. However, should you be wondering from where to get the gumption to proceed despite any occurring “unpalatable resistance” – and because I have noticed that you like it all mapped out before going ahead to then try it experientially – this might give you the answer –

Alan: So, yes, altruism can be the only motive. ‘I’ do this for the benefit of my fellow human beings, or ‘I’ do this not at all. The only question which remains – do ‘I’ have the necessary intestinal fortitude to proceed?

Richard: No ... because no one has ‘the necessary intestinal fortitude to proceed’ before they proceed: it comes in sufficient quality, and only as required by the circumstances, as one proceeds.

The question is: what is preventing ‘me’ from proceeding? [Emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Alan, 28 Jan 2001).

Cheers Vineeto

May 16 2026

KUBA: So to continue on, and this is one is quite long winded haha. Yesterday after I was able to go into this fear I was thinking about physical death or serious injury etc I’ve mentioned this many times to Sonya when we would watch various movies. That the way death or serious injury is depicted speaks more to ‘humanity’s’ bent on the macabre than the factuality of what these events are like.

And I know this because when I was 10 years old I had a severe break to my arm. I fell off a tree and when I got up (in this weird daze) I looked at my arm and it was just a noodle of mangled bones. There was no pain at all, in fact I walked all the way home and when my dad opened the door I asked him if he thought my arm was broken. He always recounts this story and remembers that when he saw me I was all grey. But the point is that there was no pain and no suffering either, the body clearly “knew” what to do in such a situation, releasing this or that in order to numb pain etc.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Let me clear some misconception. When someone has a serious accident, the body goes into physical shock and with the aid of Adrenaline and other chemicals numbs the pain. Often also ‘I’ go into the background because practical physical survival measures have to be taken care of first. Later, when the shock subsides, pain occurs according to the injuries obtained and eventually ‘me’ with ‘my’ fears and worries comes back to centre stage. It’s been recorded of car accidents when people seriously injured have walked for miles only to break down once they reach help.

“Feeling no pain immediately after a car accident is common, but it does not mean you are uninjured. Adrenaline and shock often mask injuries, with symptoms like whiplash, internal damage, or stiffness often appearing hours or days later.” (https://www.cnsomd.com/blog/)

KUBA: So this is what I was thinking yesterday, that clearly the body “knows” how to die, it is set up to be able to do this, and the same for any other significant injuries, childbirth etc. And I am beginning to have the same confidence with regards to proceeding towards ‘my’ extinction, that all what is required is provided as/when needed. Which means that the only thing ‘I’ have to busy ‘myself’ with is simply proceeding.

VINEETO: Ha, the familiar mapping out what is going to happen – fact is that the body does not die upon self-immolation, it is ‘me’ who is needs to, voluntarily and in full agreement, ‘self’-immolate – and when ‘you’ push before ‘you’ are ready to voluntarily manumit your flesh-and-blood body from bondage, then as a consequence ‘you’ create illusionary scenarios up to altered states of consciousness to avoid the frightening situation.

The confidence you are having now is based on a false narrative and won’t last.

KUBA: And furthermore the heebie-jeebies come only when ‘I’ stall or hesitate.

VINEETO: The “heebie-jeebies” are in themselves the stalling or hesitating. It is one and same. Once you get back to feeling good you will see that for yourself. More on this below.

*

VINEETO: 

Richard: No … because no one has ‘the necessary intestinal fortitude to proceed’ before they proceed: it comes in sufficient quality, and only as required by the circumstances, as one proceeds. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Alan, 28 January 2001).

KUBA: Ha such synchronicity, if you have a look at my above post written just a few minutes before yours, this was exactly where I arrived yesterday. And just to clarify more what I referred to here – “And furthermore the heebie-jeebies come only when ‘I’ stall or hesitate.”

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Upon careful re-reading you will see it is not synchronicity. You have not yet started “to proceed” but gone into (non-factual) narratives.

KUBA:

Richard: ‘A deep feeling of dread, the abject intuition of impending doom, is fraught with foreboding, be it a grim, dire, or awful presage, and this intensely apprehensive trepidation is symptomatic of the existential angst (the anguish of the essential insecurity of being a contingent ‘being’) which underpins all suffering. As such an occasion of profound dread is an opportune moment to plumb the depths of ‘being’ itself (‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being) … rather than avoidance through realisation of the portentous event as all manner of phantasmagoria can be manifested by such evasion. With pure intent one can enable a movement into the existential angst, rather than despairingly grasping at doomsday straws, which movement facilitates the bright light of awareness being shone into the innermost recesses of ‘my’ presence … which is ‘presence’ itself. (Richard, List B, James3, 21 Nov 2002a).

Richard: Wherever there be no underestimating the extent to which a lost, lonely, frightened and very, very cunning feeling-being will go in order to remain affectively-psychically in existence – millions upon millions of years of blind nature’s successful perpetuation of the species via its rough-and-ready instinctual survival passions blindly dictates no other course of action can ever instinctually come about – is where there be far less likelihood of ascribing to nescience that which quite properly has its roots in the visceral wiliness of the wild which has so successfully proliferated the species thus far.

It is no-one’s fault if they be more cunning – more instinctively wily – than the norm as it is genetic inheritance which determines the degree to which instinctual drives, urges, impulses, appetites, and all the rest, are operating.

*

’Tis no little thing what we are doing here on this forum – the implications and ramifications stemming from actively participating in this pioneering enterprise are truly enormous – and I am well-pleased to see the vitalising pioneer-spirit, which has brought the human race thus far, is not only still alive and well but, arguably, operating and functioning even better than ever! (Richard, List D, Alan, #1).

Richard: I found out where I had been going wrong for eleven years ... self-aggrandisement is so seductive. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 16, 8 January 2001).

It was three days ago when it dawned on you that there could be another way –

Kuba: I am wondering if the connection to pure intent is the critical component which is missing.

Isn’t it time you start sincerely looking for pure intent and forge a lasting/ongoing connection via the golden clew to your genuine PCE (before ‘you’ reinserted yourself)? Here are the instructions again –

Richard: Incidentally, just before/ just as the PCE starts to wear off, if one unravels (metaphorically) a ‘golden thread’ or ‘clew’, as one is slipping back into the real-world, an intimate connection is thus established betwixt the pristine-purity of an actual innocence and the near-purity of the sincerity of naiveté.

At least, that is the way it worked for the identity inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body, all those years ago, inasmuch ‘his’ recall of PCE’s was a naïve remembrance [i.e., rememoration & presentiation; see Message № 19775 (Richard, List D, No. 32a, 19 June 2015). for context], rather than a cognitive memory, and ‘he’ thus experienced a constant pull, each moment again, into the immaculate perfection of the actual world ... and thus away from the contaminated imperfection of the real-world.

Being a ‘fatal attraction’, so to speak, it rendered the entire process virtually effortless. (Richard, List D, No. 13, 21 May 2009).

I know some intent is there somewhere but only as a potential in the background and not yet your number one priority else we wouldn’t have all these conversations which you summed up nicely –

Kuba: “… I have already tried most of the doors with the booby trap on the other side. So now the lack of choices left actually makes orientation a lot easier haha”.

It is not just the “orientation” you need; you are looking for the courage (and its accompanying thrill) to succeed this time around –

Richard: Yes, one has to want it like one has never wanted anything else before ... so much so that all the instinctual passionate energy of desire, normally frittered away on petty desires, is fuelling and impelling/ propelling one into this thing and this thing only (‘impelling’ as in a pulling from the front and ‘propelling’ as in being pushed from behind). There is a ‘must’ to it (one must do it/it must happen) and a ‘will’ to it (one will do it/it will happen) and one is both driven and drawn until there is an inevitability that sets in. Now it is unstoppable and all the above ceases of its own accord ...one is unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’.

One has escaped one’s fate and achieved one’s destiny. (Richard, List B, No. 19d, 3 April 2000).

Cheers Vineeto

May 21 2026

KUBA: Hi Vineeto,

And now your reply has highlighted exactly that this is what I have been ‘being’, I haven’t seen this part of how ‘I’ tick before, not this clearly/ totally anyways. Of course, all ‘beings’ are narcissistic by nature (and thus susceptible to self-aggrandisement), whether this is more in me (for whatever reason), perhaps, mainly though I now acknowledge that this is indeed how ‘I’ tick. Actually the various components of ‘my’ persona I can see how they all coagulated under this intrinsic narcissism. And it also makes it clear why ‘I’ as the ‘controller’ always return, ‘I’ return to claim ‘my’ credit, to feed back into the story that is ‘me’ etc. It also makes it clear why ‘I’ am not willing to maintain a connection to pure intent, because with that narcissism ‘I’ am looking for something that circles right back to ‘me’, in one way or another.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

It is an excellent discovery of a persistent pattern and great that it explains to you “why ‘I’ as the ‘controller’ always return”. It informs you where to focus your attention on in order to dissolve this pattern.

I had attributed your delaying tactics rather to a large dose of self-centredness –

Alan: As we have previously discussed, ‘my’ desire to savour the purity and perfection is not sufficient motivation for ‘my’ extinction.

Richard: Aye ... that is self-centredness operating. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Alan-a, 31 August 1999)

*

Alan: Am ‘I’ really willing to sacrifice ‘my’ self to allow this to happen?

Richard: The question that the ‘I’ that was inhabiting this body back in 1981 asked was: ‘what am I saving myself for’? (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Alan-b, 13 December 1999)

Here is the dictionary definition so that you can confirm if that description fits –

Narcissism: [from Latin: Narcissus; from Greek: Narkissos: a youth in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own reflection in water and pined away]: self-love, extreme vanity; (psychological): emotional or erotic gratification gained from contemplation of one’s self or one’s appearance; (noun): narcissist: a person affected or characterized by narcissism; an excessively self-admiring person. (Copyright © 1998 Oxford Dictionary).

You also once said you were a Messiah-archetype, perhaps that goes in the same direction of excessive self-importance. The reason I said “It is fortunate you avoided a more serious condition with this scheme of ‘self’-exaltation” is because you have invented/ created a new-to-me version of how to apparently proceed in actualism while ensuring that success will never happen and ‘I’ can stay in situ. The extreme form of empowering the ‘controller’ this way when allowing your ‘being’ operating without pure intent is an ASC or a permanent ASC. It is not a fate I would wish on anyone and the outcome is indeed narcissism reigning supreme.

KUBA [Addendum]: Actually I like the way Richard put it better – Just what am ‘I’ saving ‘myself’ for?

VINEETO: This morning I came across a snippet from P. G. Woodhouse (a prolific English author and 20th-century humorist, best known for creating the witty valet Jeeves and the bumbling Bertie Wooster – life in the real world of those pathematically inclined –

Cheers Vineeto

May 26 2026

KUBA: Yes I think I am still swallowing that previous bite, as it was a big one! But that is the question indeed – What is preventing ‘me’ from agreeing to ‘my’ abdication.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

I am reading this sentence again and I am wondering why you would want to “swallow” this “big one” – which is the insight that you are “narcissism”, and that “under the words it was ‘Me’, ‘Me’, ‘Me’”. Wouldn’t it be more sensible to not look at it from the identity’s point of view (integrate this into your identity /swallow it, i.e. make ‘him stronger because ‘he’ could handle such a crisis) but rather see it from the perspective of what you are aiming for, and celebrate that you can safely and felicitously /innocuously leave behind this particular chunk of ‘my’ ‘self“-importance and be naïve instead?

KUBA [Addendum]: Actually I like the way Richard put it better – Just what am ‘I’ saving ‘myself’ for?

Something to imbibe whilst you are contemplating (either fascinatedly, theoretically or imaginary) what is to happen next –

Peter: ‘This all-consuming experience of sweetness[1] lasted perhaps less than a minute but this precursor left me with the utter confidence to proceed further into the actual world (...).

The following evening, I found myself back on my couch, leaning across the little table that separated us, explaining to Richard that I experienced him as being on the other side of a veil – with only his face bulging through as it were. As was I explaining this to him, I was waving my hand in front of my face so as to illustrate the veil and I happened to look down at the table in front of me. On the woven table mat my attention was drawn to a dark blue plastic cigarette lighter, an empty glass, a tobacco pouch and other sundry items. All of a sudden, Richard’s phrase ‘the actual world of people, things and events’ came to mind and I found myself acknowledging that the things on the table existed in actuality, i.e. did in fact actually exist, and this being the case, here I was waving my hand in front of ‘people’, in this case Richard, saying that I experienced him as if behind a veil, i.e. not actually existing. It took only a few more seconds of switching my attention from the things on the table and my waving hand for the whole illusion of a separating veil to collapse – along with my illusory self-centred identity as I was gradually becoming aware of.

The whole experience was like a seamless transition between two worlds – from being a feeling being trapped within an illusionary all-encompassing self-created and sustained bubble to being here in the actual world. There was no dramatic end for ‘me’, no death-like traumatic experience, no prior psychic events or escapades, no ‘wall of fear’, no ‘abyss’ – rather there was a profound experience of sweetness, a ready acknowledgement of my destiny and a final understanding that the feeling of separateness was nothing other than an illusion of ‘my’ own making. [Emphasis added]. (Long Awaited Announcement, #sweetness).

[1]Footnote: This all-consuming experience of sweetness: “… this experience of sweetness is the closest experience that I, as a feeling being, could have of the innate sweetness of having the on-going, sensuous direct experience of the benignity, purity and perfection of the paradisaical playground-like world that flesh and blood body-only humans actually live in.”

Read it slowly with your whole being, word for word, and see if now – that you are so stunningly aware of your (illusory) identity to a large part being narcissistic/ ‘self’-centric (as is the nature of feeling beings to a lesser or greater extent), and you have also experienced the sweetness of pure intent which Peter describes in the footnote – you can follow Peter’s description in action and allow the “separating veil to collapse” in order to be the innocence and purity as this flesh-and-blood body Kuba, which you have longed to be for so long.

Cheers Vineeto