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Convivium I: Algarve 3-11 October 2026 Reports about the Algarve Convivium
KUBA: Ok so here comes my report from the Portugal Convivium. I have made no effort to present an overall account of what happened, rather I have written about the things pertinent to me, from my experience. Others may report their experience and paint a more comprehensive picture that way. Also the events are not in perfect chronological order, although I tried to stick to that where memory allowed. Lastly I want to put a disclaimer that this is all written by me as a feeling being, with all the pitfalls that such a description can entail. So below is the things which have stood out to me the most, but far more happened, if other things come to mind I will update with part 2. The first notable thing which happened was upon meeting Geoffrey, initially there was some fear, which was understandable, however it quickly became apparent that I held an image of what an actually free person is like. I found that Geoffrey simply did not fit into any box that I could possibly place him into. At first I experienced this as quite disconcerting, it shook me. That image which I held was quickly broken down but I did not have anything else in its place, hence the disorientation/disconcerted feelings. It seemed that without the image and without the ability to place him into a box I no longer had anything concrete to aim for. I spoke with Geoffrey about this image then, and about how I had projected him as some kind of a saint/superhero and that actual freedom is not that. The following day, with the image gone and with the disconcerted feelings no more I began to experience Geoffrey more as he actually is. That day the focus turned to the next thing, which was locating a genuine target to aim for. We spoke that night about the importance of the PCE, that it is the PCE which provides the concrete target. Around that time I was becoming fascinated by how quickly things were changing, somehow the change was happening on an existential level, and the questions which I had, and the themes which were at play were addressed far more deeply than merely talking or thinking about them. The change that I was experiencing in myself was like the tectonic plates of ‘being’ shifting, rather than a superficial change. We went on a hike one of the days and we all sat down to fully enjoy and appreciate all that was happening, I came close to a PCE then, I mentioned how the enjoyment and appreciation was at first ‘local’ (viewed by ‘me’ to be happening in segregated locations) then there was the experience of it happening everywhere all at once, where it “overtook” ‘me’ and segued into actuality, yet ‘I’ blocked it right at that point. I found it fascinating that Geoffrey was existentially aware when any of us came closer to the actual world, also we were all having an effect on each other when conveying the flavour of the experience. The following day we went to the beach, Geoffrey spoke to me then about sensuosity, he saw clearly that it was something that I was missing, that here we were on the most glorious beach and yet ‘I’ was busy with ‘my’ stuff, missing out on the whole world. Again though the change was happening rather quickly and on a deep level. Some time after we were at a local cafe getting lunch and I found myself in a particularly naive place, this experience was very striking, it answered my questions about sensuosity. I saw that when being naive the world is as if screaming at me, just waiting to be delighted in, casting my gaze anywhere there was only more sensuous delight to be found. What made this experience even better is that I was at ease in the group setting, so there was both the sensuosity aspect and the convivial aspect to be delighted in. Towards the end of the cafe lunch we spoke about the importance of making the conscious decision to continue being naive rather than returning to the ‘cave’ of ‘my’ safety. One of the evenings we spoke more at length about this ‘cave’ of ‘my’ safety, specifically about rumination, it clicked for me then, on a deep level, that rumination is particularly enticing for ‘me’ specifically because it ensures that no change/movement takes place. We were walking back from the beach at one point and I was allowing more and more enjoyment and appreciation, I noticed that something would shift and there would be a quality “in the air”, something that simply does not exist in the real world, and something that is not of ‘me’. I spoke with Geoffrey about this quality and confirmed that it is pure intent, although he did mention that pure intent is also far more than just that. Geoffrey talked then about relaxing into pure intent, allowing it to suffuse me, as if relaxing into a jacuzzi, rather than trying to grasp it as if catching a butterfly. One of the most fascinating experiences happened whilst in a group setting, it was fascinating because I discovered that a PCE can also be arrived at by going for an actual intimacy, but this was a new route for me. I was particularly drawn to look at Emp, and I began to glimpse her as she actually is, ‘past the curtain’. It was a very sweet experience because I saw her in the place where she is already perfect, as a flesh and blood body. This experience then expanded to include all of us sat around the table. It was a near PCE but this time I was able to spend enough time in that place just before the shift into the PCE, to notice that at that very point the last thing to happen, the only thing left to happen, is for ‘me’ to leave the experience also. Later on I spoke to Geoffrey about this experience, he was pleased about the fact that it happened in a group setting, via intimacy (new route for me), and that it got right to the point where – as he described it – there was just that little “loss of equilibrium” needed to be allowed and the PCE would indeed happen. Another significant thing to see on a deep level, was that ‘I’ am both the problem and the solution, which is no different to saying that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’ or that when ‘I’ am whole feeling good is a choice. The most important implication of this, which was also seen on a deep level was that it is all in ‘my’ hands and ‘my’ hands alone. One of the nights we discussed how this relates to proceeding towards actual freedom, and it did click then, in a strikingly thorough way, that it is in ‘my’ hands. I understood then that actual freedom is not granted when enough boxes have been ticked, or when enough coins have been slotted into the machine to warrant a reward, that it is a choice made by ‘me’, as a whole. This sense of existentially proceeding as a whole was in fact one of the main aspects of the convivium. Towards the end on one of the days I found myself completely existentially exhausted, although I was still feeling good and having a good time I simply had no capacity to existentially move even an inch. Geoffrey recognised this and mentioned that at this point all that we had done needed time to integrate, and to relax into this also. The following day that exhaustion was done and I experienced the capacity to existentially extend myself again. On the last day we decided to visit the beach for the final time, we went by foot and got a little lost. We ended up sat by some steps in front of a tennis court, resting in the shade. Then as a group we went into the experience of the stillness of infinitude, which I understand now that this was something facilitated by Geoffrey. I was coming close to it and then backing off time and time again, then to my complete surprise the stillness washed over me like a large wave. We spoke then about this aspect of being totally surprised by the experience of actuality, that this is a good sign, indicating that it is the genuine thing experienced, rather than an experience which was fabricated by ‘me’, from various descriptions. The last thing which currently comes to mind is what a life changing and perspective shattering thing it was to spend a week with a fully free human being – Geoffrey. And not only meeting here and there but spending all of our time together, it has filled me with every confidence that actual freedom delivers the goods, and far far more. When the convivium ended I briefly experienced something like a deep grief, and it was because that precious place/atmosphere/milieu enabled by Geoffrey was no longer directly accessible. However he did point out on several occasions that the pure intent personified as a fully free human being and the pure intent of the actual world are one and the same thing. So this has become even more of a drive, to enable that, and to be that. Cheers Ps it is clear from reading this report (and this is what we arrived at during the convivium)
that it is the PCE which is required for me to proceed, and furthermore that I am blocking it.
JAMES: Thanks for pointing out the importance of the pce in order to proceed. The pce is something I seem to have forgotten about in dealing with my daily struggle with pain. I can see that I need to revive my interest in the pce in order to move on.
EMP: Good initiative! I’ve been beating around the bush about how to write about my experiences… a lot of it was very personal and just like you I’m not sure if I’ll put things the right way, but I’ll give it a shot. I’ll probably have to go back to revise this, but I’ll put the first edition out there instead of constantly being scared of saying the wrong thing. The week leading up to the convivium was a bit of a wild ride for me, and I’m scared of flying, so I came in to the first meeting in the airport terribly short on sleep. I remember Claudiu driving us and it all felt very formal, didn’t it? We met up with Geoffrey at the house after driving from the airport, but I really don’t remember what we even did in the yellow beach Kia on the way there. I also barely remember the first few hours at the house. What I did bring into this convivium was a sort of “this is my last chance” feeling. I’d been banging my head against a wall for the past couple of years without getting anywhere, and I really both wanted and needed this. Granted I also came into it with a sort of “hands out, please masa grant me a PCE”, but more on that later. I think it was the second day when we were sitting in the couches in the little patio next to the pool just talking, and I turned to Geoffrey to say something about my lack of progress (I think it was? I really don’t remember now and I wish I’d been better at making notes) and suddenly I felt myself coming to the fore, filling up with sincerity about the whole sorry mess while the world was just blooming and expanding around me, while actually seeing Geoffrey. He has a way of looking at you when you “pop out” that drew me in even more and suddenly I was face to face with an actually free person and it was the most amazing thing I’d ever experienced. We all went for a nap that afternoon and I was dozing off, thinking about the whole experience while it seemed like every cell of my body was going in and out of pure life force. It’s as if my body is dull and kind of dead in day to day life, but now it was filling up, warming up, and just becoming more alive. Matter was no longer merely passive; I’ve seen this before but now I had it right in my lap on the first day. However, I started closing up. I noticed this and we spoke about it and I started feeling a sort of disappointedness that this was all I was going to get out of this. We spoke at length during one of our nightly chats (herbal teas, Kuba sitting on the couch, Sonya laying down under a towel “listening with my eyes closed!”, Geoffrey sitting in the right armchair and me trying to find any position in my own armchair that wasn’t just sitting) about how I seemed to always see EEs, IEs, PCEs etc as some gift granted and not as something I allowed. During the first couple of days I’d also felt a lot of obligation towards the group. I stuck around, never ventured my own way and I had a really hard time taking any initiatives. It struck me as a bit odd but for some reason I couldn’t. My own feelings about the comedown from the first day’s brush with intimacy also played into this and I started getting really crabby and sensitive. I seemed to be able to sit on my hands well enough though. Now for the experiences that stood out to me, and I really hope I’m doing them justice: On Friday I’d had enough. The entire week was us constantly being right on the edge, but I had started pondering more and more whether all this was ever going to amount to for me was “only” that intimacy experience and then a contraction. I woke up early, as usual, made coffee and eggs for everyone… and then, realising that it was barely light outside and nobody would be up for another few hours, it was time for me to strike out on my own. I started in the back garden, exploring the bushes and finding a weird access area behind our house. I started looking around the various plants we had and decided to use Gemini to classify them. Then I realised we had a pomegranate tree in our front yard and the fruits were almost becoming too ripe, but we couldn’t get to them (without probably sacrificing Geoffrey’s life climbing the darn thing). I took the pool skimmer that we had and silently snuck it through the house and into the front yard and tried to use it to pry loose some of the most ripe pomegranates at the top of the tree. Some maintenance guys approached in a car and I had to dodge them (the tree was technically not really ours to pick) and so I spent a couple of minutes doing some stealth shit in and around the tree, but no luck, pomegranates are resistant to being picked by pool skimmer. But by now I was getting rowdy, I wanted more adventure. I returned the skimmer to the wall, put on a fleece and some shoes and snuck out of the house. The first thing I discovered was a pomegranate bush in the front yard of the next house, so I ninja’d a couple of fruits from that tree instead and deposited them back in the kitchen. Then I went out again and started looking at the trees, flowers and bushes we had and as the sun was coming up properly I was taking pictures, feeding them into Gemini and getting more and more delighted by every new classification. I started walking around the area, sneaking peeks wherever I could and exploring as much as I could without getting caught. As I was getting the main reception I decided it was time to leave the area all together. I crossed the road, passed the Elegant Dining Experience and ventured into the swanky villa area hidden away behind the restaurant. I remember looking at a pair of deeply red oleander buds and thinking “these will do me in if I stay to look at them”, so I stayed and man… I don’t quite remember how it all started (but by the end of the week I started seeing a pattern in my experiences), but a deep feeling of rowdy playfulness welled up inside of me while the ground came to meet me. Everything went solid again but above and beyond all I could feel a deep sensuosity from the very centre of my being just welling and welling and coming in waves. It was like sex but without the dirtiness. I remember thinking “now I understand what Richard meant when he said font of being”. I started crying, which unfortunately meant I constantly had to pull back (residential area). I remember looking at the crowns of the palm trees waving in the wind and the way the sun reflected on their leaves resonated with every cell in me (this is very hard to describe), so I started having to take deep breaths just to make it through it. Every time they waved in the breeze it was like being hit by the most gorgeous sensation, welling over me and through me. I once again felt how matter, every single stone I was walking on, myself, the houses, everything was imbued with life force. This kept going on for a while, I got completely lost, had to pull back from the brink so that people wouldn’t wonder what was wrong with me, but I kept rushing back into it even when I thought I was completely wrung out. Eventually I had to return back home and the experience faded. I came back to the house and I wanted everyone to wake up so I could play with them. I may have forced Kuba to look at rosemary bushes. What made me happy was that this time it was all me. I didn’t venture out intending to have a PCE or any kind of experience, but I remember thinking it would be nice to have one. The rest of the day I was just existentially spent. I could barely move. I tried to allow something again but it didn’t happen. For much of the trip it didn’t matter either, we were all at such an amazing baseline anyway. Sometimes it was just immensely fun and fascinating to watch Geoffrey tripping balls, or Kuba pondering, or Sonya being happy. The next day I decided to do the same morning routine, but I was fully aware that this wasn’t a slot machine; I couldn’t do the exact same thing and then hope for a reward. I decided to put on sunglasses (to hide the tears) and a proper pair of hiking shoes and just be open to anything. This time I decided not to stealth my way around the compound, but instead went directly for the swanky area. My target was a beach further down towards the coast. I looked at the same buds as the day before and I felt a tingling but nothing more. Once I got to the end of the area I’d explored the day before the sensuosity started up again, though. I was still existentially tired but I couldn’t stop, I kept getting closer, letting the flowers and trees do me in over and over again, but once I got onto the beach trail my fear of heights kicked in and I was swiftly brought back to real life. The beach was an old roman garum fermenter location and I swear the stink projected through the centuries. I decided to take a detour on the way back home (I had about 30 minutes) and ended up by the most gorgeous pines and the sensuosity started up again. I remember it feeling like I was on a trampoline and the universe just went BOOM on the trampoline and I started going wheeeee the higher and higher we got. The entire morning I felt like I was playing inside and with the universe, I was laughing and biting my lip and enjoying and just playing, playing, playing. As I was halfway home I’d really spent everything I could though. I picked some berries and oranges, and pulled up a grass that looked gorgeous and started heading home. I didn’t feel particularly aware of the actual, but there was a nice, buzzed feeling so I remember thinking that “well, I guess I can just enjoy the holiday feeling”. Next thing I know, I was staring down a bifurcated path. On the left, quickly vanishing, was the actual. On the right, in an opaque swirl, was God. I could just go there and be absorbed into God. While I wasn’t scared when it happened I remember going “Oh no the fuck we’re not doing fucking THAT!”. I could feel all my senses closing up. It was a deeply unnerving sensation and I was desperately trying to get out, feeling like I was at risk of sinking in to it if I didn’t mentally paddle hard enough. I walked the main street back to our compound feeling entirely disconnected and desperately looking for anything do get me back to my senses. Eventually the pine trees came to the rescue again and I could verify that I hadn’t done anything irreversible, I could still get back to my senses, but I spent the rest of the morning frazzled. I spoke to Geoffrey, and later Claudiu about it, and that made it less unnerving. I did avoid anything even religious looking for a good few hours afterwards though. There were paintings of the Buddha at the restaurant where we had lunch and I sneakily sat myself down so I wouldn’t have to look at them. The final thing I wanted to prove to myself was that I could have an intimacy experience with people around me. While I’d felt excellent and “there” a lot of the time, I could only get “close” to Geoffrey. The experience Kuba mentioned with the stillness barely made a dent in me (I was still uneasy after the whole enlightenment thing) but once we got into the lunch restaurant I remember looking at Claudiu. I’d been trying to understand him (sorry! but we all know that we had such different approaches) and decided to watch how Geoffrey interacted with him and use him as my lodestone about what was happening. Once I saw that they were having a moment I started looking at Claudiu and all of a sudden he came to the forefront and I saw that personality is a lukewarm simulacra of what actually makes a person unique. There’s so, so much to each of us in the actual that I was absolutely blown away with how perfect it really is. Claudiu was perfect and I was in shock at how precious he was, and how precious everyone is. Unfortunately the waterworks started for me again so I had to hide behind my glasses. But I actually did it among people this time and that was a big step for me and I guess the final proof. Anyway, I’ll keep writing when I remember things, there’s a lot of things that are hazy right now. This whole week was probably the best of my life. I can’t explain how different from normal life this really is, to the extent that it almost feels alien to me now. It feels odd to be back in a rainy and cold Sweden. I managed to feel the playfulness come on a bit in the morning but – and I think I was well and truly warned about this – I might close up a bit before I find the aperture again. I currently feel like nothing else is really worth it in the long run but I still get up to some weirdness. In the end, I have to find my own path to this. I was surprised by how easy and available sensuousness was for me, but naiveté is a bit harder and other aspects don’t really show up that easily. I was also amused but a bit taken aback how different approaches we all had to the actual, and sometimes we’d have discussions where we were saying the same things but couldn’t quite see it. For me, ending the split inside me (it’s deep!) is probably a better tactic than trying to get back to feeling good. I realised that I’d done this on my own without connecting it to actualism, and life got so much easier whenever I did. Going “I can’t do this” is ridiculous, it’s easy. I can always solve it, just relax and look again, make the intention and let it happen. Rumination is just an avoidance tactic. And to say that I don’t have what it takes is a way to not have to become actually free (and while writing this I think that hiding away and not daring to even write a single word is also an avoidance tactic). Now for the more down to earth things, we really were insanely playful and silly at times. We played so much, especially towards the end of the week, that I think some of the older members of the convivium almost got neck injuries. Howling huskies in the backseat in an eternal roundabout, Loreen and Lorelai’s raccoon dance around the pool, and literally going down shit creek. I couldn’t have asked for a better gathering of actualists to spend this week with. Also, guys, the “see you soon”. (appreciation).
EMP: Ok, two things I realised; writing these reports made my memory work again, and reading my report back made even more come back…and the problem is that I’m hiding what happened from myself so that I can say that I’m stuck. Just like me being super tired right after the experiences I had; I was never really tired, just avoiding what was happening. Secondly, what I was saying to Geoffrey on the first day, that gave rise to sincerity, all
started with mentioning how I’d messaged Vineeto privately two years ago and she’d challenged me back and like
the coward I am I ran for the hills. Saying this untied a knot of fairly large proportions and then the rest of that
house of cards came down. I know Vineeto doesn’t need an apology but still… I’m a massive coward.
SONYA: I decided I’m gonna give this a go! What’s the worst that would happen?
[laughing]. When thinking about writing this the main thing that stood out to me most was that it was what I could
remember to be the most fun I’ve ever had. Nothing was particularly “new” in the activities we did but I
remember making the decision at the beginning to allow the fun, playfulness and enjoyment. More than usual. Going into meeting everyone for the first time I personally didn’t feel overly nervous or anxious. I had confidence that everyone I would be meeting would at least be nice! I was particularly excited to meet Emp! I also didn’t really have many expectations in place when meeting Geoffrey. I had met him a couple times on zoom and he wasn’t a weirdo then and had every marker of a normal guy . What pleasantly surprised me was how playful he is . There was no fun he would “shy” away from. I would say it’s what brought out the decision to let the walls down more and just enjoy and appreciate each moment. I also would like to say a massive credit to Emp, Claudiu, and Kuba for the amping up of the fun. We had all, at some point, made the decision to let the walls down and interact as freely and as intimately as we could. I think this is a huge part of why this was so successful to me! I can’t say it enough hahah it was so so much fun, and so easy. Now, for more of the key takeaways for me! I’ll try my best to make it as clear as possible. So, I’ve always had a belief that something was “wrong” with me or that I was a bad “actualist” because I wasn’t “intellectual” enough to be an actualist or even make any significant progress. I thought I was stuck inching forward yes but I somehow thought that there was something fundamentally wrong with me because intellectualising didn’t come naturally to me. I guess I was in some way trying to follow a blueprint of actualism that I thought existed through analysing and intellectualising. So this belief came quickly tumbling down during a conversation with Geoffrey in our herbal tea evening chats. There was no specific “blueprint” of personality traits that could do this. I didn’t need to force myself to intellectualise or analyse to be a “good” actualist. It was made clear to me the diversity that existed within everyone who became actually free. Anyone can do it and it was an entirely personal thing. What works for someone else, may not work for me and that was completely ok and also completely made sense. Of course, writing this makes so much sense and is so obvious hahah. This is what was massively blocking my progress. There were multiple points during the trip when interacting with the world I feel like I would get closer to a PCE, but then I would try grab it and start analysing or “think” about it and it would go away. There I was, directly experiencing the amazing sights, smells and sounds but then “I” would come in and try “think” into a PCE. So this was a major breakthrough for me. The confidence that Geoffrey expressed to me that I was in fact going in the direction already and there was no need to fit into someone else’s path. Mine was just right for me. Something else that also caught my attention that Kuba wrote about in his report was intimacy experiences. This was something that made my ears perk up that I had completely forgotten about! It came up after we had all come back from the beautiful nature hike and I mentioned to Geoffrey that whilst I still enjoyed the dramatic cliffs, sparkly waves and majestic birds, the setting that brought me closer to a PCE was actually walking through the carpark of people and seeing their faces. He mentioned that the intimacy experience was indeed a route I could go down to allow a PCE. How could I have forgotten about it! Another key takeaway from me was spending time with Emp, toward the end especially, I noticed her “go get it” attitude come out to play. It was wonderful to see, I felt especially connected to her seeing the progress she was making, not waiting for anyone else. I guess it was the standing on her own two feet thing. Not waiting for the guys to do anything first. She was going to do it. And she did. Overall, it was such an amazing time spent with everyone. The baseline was just constant fun,
giggles, jokes. Nothing was a serious business. I felt at home, you could say. Utterly at ease and now with full
confidence I could do this. There will probably be more things that pop up that I remember. But for now, this is
what stood out for me the most.
CLAUDIU: Alright I guess it’s my turn now. The convivium was fantabulously awesome. When I picked everyone up from the airport on Saturday, it was a sort of more typical feeling-being meeting, here were people I don’t really know, there was the typical distance – even though we were all there for the same thing, still it was a bit more reserved (albeit without the typical niggling issues or drama that would occur when feeling-beings gather, which is already far above the norm) By the end of the trip we were all having a wild time, completely at ease with each other, having a blast steeping in the felicitous ambiance At the start I was rather anxious about making sure the organization of everything is all good, and how I would fit into the convivium whilst living nearby and not at the same villa, and having a baby and a (non-actualist) partner to care for, to boot! 2 days in (Monday), this anxiety was almost fully dispelled as a result of taking Geoffrey’s advice, given during a coastal walk, of “Just have a PCE!” It’s sorta hard to put into words how obvious and pragmatic this advice was, which was reinforced several times during the rest of the week. I realized that I had been aiming for the wrong thing for a while now: I was targeting the “feeling of moving towards actuality”, instead of actuality (i.e. the PCE) itself! It was in hindsight a cunningly devious move on my part to avoid actuality. I recognized this as Geoffrey was telling me how he suggested Kuba have a PCE, and I realized that advice applied to me too. It’s so simple! Basically the last super-clear PCE I had (which was also the clearest I ever had) was ~1-1.5 years ago whilst driving back from a climbing trip. The result of that was unambiguously knowing that “this is what I want”, 100%… only for that confidence to fade after a few days. The solution to this (and any other issue really) is obvious: have another PCE. We discussed how approaching the PCE has worked in our experience, whilst sitting overlooking a wondrous vista on the coastal walk, and I reported how at that moment of being ‘close’, there’s always a ‘me’ allowing it to happen at the end, like “yeah let’s go for it!” and then it happens. Although I didn’t have one during the week, it provided a perfect target that reoriented everything I was experiencing in, again, a really simple and prosaic way. I saw I had built up a lot of ‘identity’ surrounding ‘having’ a PCE – namely that it is ‘hard’ to do, that ‘I’ am somehow ‘particularly bad at it’… and, even more deviously, that I was so clever and ‘superior’ that I could reason my way into self-immolating by reasoning to myself that ‘it would be better’… and a bit of stubborn inertia there as well that, if I were to switch to just having PCEs instead of not having them, that would mean I had been going wrong the whole time, so there was some incentive to ‘make it work’ without having another PCE… very silly haha Taking the advice to heart, thusly did I find myself on Wednesday, taking a break during our hike, whilst eating a pistachio Cornetto ice cream cone, seriously tripping balls on the cone. It took on a 3-dimensional aspect that wasn’t there before. I took a look at the colors and saw that the cone was not ‘one’ brownish color, instead it was an infinite gradient of subtle shades of brown/orange, the complexity further deepened by the slightly varying quality of the light hitting it a little differently a few centimeters one way or another. As I twirled it around I was amazed that once it got back to the start, there was a ‘seam’ in the cone, and one side of it was significantly darker than the other! Geoffrey later reported that he could tell I was getting ‘closer’, that he can get a sense of it, it’s like we’re buttoned-down with eyes downturned normally but then like we perk up and ‘open our eyes’ as we get closer to actuality. It’s fascinating that he can existential sense us in that way. So I brought up that experience that night with him whilst eating some of Sonya’s deliciously-cooked food, and he had a hilariously simple point, which was: “Well, you came close, but… why didn’t you allow the PCE then?” I just hadn’t even considered to approach it so pragmatically lol. Geoffrey’s advice to me was suited to the particulars of how I am – he can see from how I am that I’m a genuinely intellectually curious person, so he suggested that next time I’m close, I just gently inquire as to what’s preventing me from going all the way. So simple, and I immediately knew that it would work for me. He pointed out how he would not give that same advice to everyone – he really enjoyed the format because it allowed him to give more individualized advice, he said how everyone is different and we all are aiming for the same thing, but there are multiple valid ways to get there, based on our individual strengths. This was particularly exemplified on the last day (Saturday) while having lunch, where Geoffrey was explaining in words some aspect of something related to actuality, and I was enjoying the atmosphere and intimacy of it, following the words (and understanding what he was talking about), while Emp then exclaimed how the whole time she had been following how Geoffrey was physically moving, and how the gentleness of his gestures brought her to the forefront into the intimate ambiance. Fascinating stuff! So I started doing that, then, and I saw how I kept coming up with excuses for why maybe I shouldn’t go for a PCE right now, like wouldn’t it be better to go for self-immolation than a PCE… would it be a ‘different’ direction? I recognized that that made no sense, if the PCE is a different direction than I’m going in, then that direction is wrong. Such confusion is very cunning and clever, and is fed by such things as for example reading how Vineeto wrote at some point she didn’t need PCEs anymore but to go out from control… and Geoffrey’s reply was yeah but she had spent years having tons of PCEs![1] Different spots for different people at different times. The ‘lesson’ was finally fully reinforced Saturday night after I had dropped everyone off at the airport but Geoffrey (who left Sunday morning). Having an herbal tea I told him all this, and he just pointed out how firstly if I can’t even allow a PCE for 5 minutes, how could I possibly be willing to allow it forever? And lastly he pointed out that the confident knowing that it is really better for this body, that body, and every body, has to be confident!! And from direct experience!! He could see I care about my baby and my partner, and that I would not just leave them ‘hanging in the wind’… so I have to know that they will be alright, they will do well, if ‘I’ self-immolate. And that knowing comes from, obviously, having PCEs around them! Having PCEs, interacting in daily life, and seeing that it is not only ok but better for them. I need to see both how the feeling-being modus operandi is bad/suboptimal (which I already know quite well), but also how the pure consciousness modus operandi is better.. and that can only come from experience. It’s so remarkably prosaic, and I have actually no doubt I will succeed in this… already I’ve gotten closer than during the week, in a fine setting with my partner holding the baby on the couch, an ASMR-like tingling sensation rippling in the back of my neck, and just that pure purity and intimacy suffusing everything. Already it’s clearer and clearer just the direction already leads to far better results. It’s just very obvious to me now that all I ‘have’ to do is go on this adventure of having PCEs in all these daily situations and seeing how it’s all fun and works out well. Another obvious corollary of this is that if I feel that I have to approach some situation with feelings (eg being stressed and anxious while working), then that is me admitting I think the PCE would be insufficient at dealing with this situation. Any time I go “well let me just do this one little thing with feelings, then I’ll get ‘back’ to actualism”, that is me giving up and acknowledging I don’t want to self-immolate and don’t think it would be good. It’s so simple!! NOTE: Again I want to highlight this “have lot of PCEs” advice is tailored to me at this particular instance in time.. I could see it is possible someone can have just a few PCEs and already be sure, 100% convinced, it’s what they want. Everyone is different and I don’t want to imply one cannot self-immolate unless they meet X, Y, and Z requirements. Geoffrey spoke about that with me, as well, this is just a tactic, to set up some ‘objective criteria’ of what you have to do. Once an objective criteria is set (i.e. not one that is different for every individual person, as is actually the case), then you can start to rank people as ‘better’ or ‘worse’ at actualism – whatever criteria you pick, some will be better at it than others, as everyone is different. And then you can place yourself as, well I’m worse than that guy, if I was like that it’d be easier (even if I’m better than that other guy)… and it’s just an excuse to not succeed. The situation is rather that, for any individual person, the only thing they ‘have’ to do, is convince themselves (and nobody else). You can imagine “Oh if I was more intellectual I’d have an easier time understanding A, B, and C”… well, sure, but then your ‘task’ would be to convince that ‘more intellectual’ person, not yourself! And that would come with its own set of challenges that the ‘more intellectual’ type would have that you don’t. etc etc. Essentially as you only ever have to convince yourself, there’s no way anyone can fail at this, or be so ill-suited as to be unable to succeed. Everyone has all the tools at their disposal, ultimately it’s not about fighting oneself, but stopping to fight oneself, which is something everyone can do. I also want to point out, which Geoffrey also did to us as well, that there is no necessity of having access to a fully free person, for making progress on the path. It was helpful, however, pure intent is everywhere, all around, as I’ve experientially confirmed even after he left. All one has to do is catch the flavor of it and be willing to follow it all the way. All the above was happening for me, while other things were happening to others (as per their excellent reports), during the wonderful convivium setting that we established. We determined there is a good reason the Al Garve is such a popular tourist destination… the physical beauty and wondrousness of the coastline is truly awe-inspiring, the climate is propitious to enjoying and appreciating being alive, there’s an abundance of restaurants with delicious food… it was in short a nearly perfect holiday-type setting, which served as the backdrop for the increasing and growing intimate and felicitous ambiance that we were able to generate by all having come together for our common purpose of enjoying and appreciating being alive and making progress on this wide and wondrous path. In short, we will definitely be having more of these. So, who’s interested in going to one in North America next? [1] I found the quote and I misremembered it even worse than I thought:
and
EMP: A little thing that Sonya inspired that may seem small but was huge to me; she loves food and will try anything. I’m squeamish about certain things (shrimp heads, crab innards, tripe etc). For some reason just the proximity to Sonya made me completely disregard all that and I found myself sucking on shrimp heads and eating (almost) whatever landed on my plate throughout the week. Looking back, I think she facilitated a lot more daring than that, especially the last couple of days. It was the small things that I picked up on and went “huh, why do I do it the other way?”. Having Sonya there made everything so much easier. She has an adorable open vibe that made everything fun.
I’d just like to add in defence of myself that I was actually listening to what Geoffrey was saying, too; I didn’t spend a whole week just staring at him googly-eyed. (But I was extremely fascinated once he was demonstrating something to me and gently pointed at
his shoulder and I understood immediately what he meant.)
SONYA: hahaha how lovely! We were definitely bouncing off each other! Taking lil bits
here and there. Just wonderful! Loreen and Lorelai FOREVER!!
GEOFFREY: All my appreciation to you, the participants, for this most wonderful of weeks! Emerging in negative throughout these reports, is the most fitting report I could give. Cheers! :herbal_tea:
SONYA: What do you mean by “emerging in the negative”?
GEOFFREY: You did it all. All the wonderful things in your reports. There was no “geoffrey” there who did and thought and strategized and caused. That “geoffrey” in your reports was mostly an absence – that of the feeling being, that of the identity. Which is why it is most fitting how he appears only implicitly, as if from the outside, formed of his outlines, or ‘emerging in the negative’: an absence you circled around, you felt, and sometimes you found. Once, someone was expressing gratitude to Richard for all the wonderful things they were experiencing when sitting across him. He answered: “I’m just sitting here.” If this is a bit dry, let me go with “I was just having the most wonderful time delighting
in being the universe’s experience of itself as a human being; and in particular (thanks to the marvelous
happening of this convivium), delighting in fellow human beings coming close to where I live, their face opening,
out of the fog, new and soft, as if alight with the morning sun.”
CLAUDIU: Haha, yes you put it better than me. I was getting more at the fact that I would
never have gotten such an understanding as you did in that moment, from just a physical gesture. I wasn’t even
aware of how Geoffrey was moving haha. The diversity among humans is really quite wondrous !
KUBA: What a wonderful description, I was contemplating yesterday on what you initially wrote – “emerging in negative”, I spoke to Sonya about how I saw it as a great song. Initially using the beats to form the melody and then an artistically placed silence… A space in between the beats, the absence of sound which speaks a thousand words. In the same way it was the absence of the feeling being and the identity towards which we were drawn existentially, and that is where the actual was glimpsed. Although my description could give an impression of some ‘void’ of spiritual tradition – it is not that.
KUBA: Since being back from the convivium I have been consistently on that boundary where a PCE is imminent. What has clicked is that perfection is right here and right now, always. It is ‘me’ who is a “chinese finger trap” – what I meant when I wrote that ‘I’ am both the problem and the solution. And seeing this over and over means that ‘I’ can allow the perfection which is here right now, it is actually in ‘my’ hands each moment again. The ‘distance’ between where ‘I’ am and the PCE is only as big as ‘I’ make it. And yet ‘I’ choose to remain on that boundary still. What Claudiu wrote in his report is very applicable here :
Indeed ‘I’ cannot possibly be proceeding towards self-immolation if ‘I’ am not willing
to allow a PCE. Choosing to remain on this boundary and then selling myself on it being a movement towards actual
freedom is clearly a tactic to remain, and this is what I had been doing for the past couple of years. So this is
all great to finally drive a stake through.
GEOFFREY: These reports were brilliant. Sincere, naive, a taste of the actual floating on the breeze. I’m not closing this reporting phase, for other happenings to spring to memory. I’m opening up a questioning phase, a commenting phase. I’m calling on whoever has read these reports and has had something in there touch them, question them, probe them Please direct questions or comments to our participants. I’ll slip into the shadows, a smile of contentment on my lips, looking at the ripples of this
event travel across the real world.
KUBA: I was going to post the below in my journal but it actually contains some new information about the convivium so posting here : One of the most potent changes since being back from the convivium has been with regards to the below :
The evening when all this clicked, Geoffrey mentioned to me then, that he did not see that I could fully go back to rumination anymore. I saw something through all the way there and so the option to return to my old ways was off the table so to speak. Towards the end of the convivium I was quite excited to go back to my normal life, to see what happens. And indeed this change has remained, the way I have been able to address any diminishment from feeling good is completely different now, in a way it is how it should have been all this time. It is all in line with what we were often discussing on the forum before the convivium, what Vineeto has been encouraging us all to see – that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’. To end the fight and the distancing, and in doing so to put the option right back in ‘my’ hands – to return to felicity and innocuity. The other part of this I have not written about before. It was a conversation I had with Geoffrey about beliefs. That once I have identified the trigger and located the belief, the actual letting go of the belief requires that ‘I’ also let go of that part of ‘me’ which has weaved itself around the belief – that ‘I’ am the type of guy that X. I realised then that up until now I have been quite good in noticing various ways in which ‘I’ tick, but I rarely ever allowed that next step, for the belief, as well as the part of ‘me’ weaved around the belief, to be left behind. That is why most of my investigations up until then were an intellectual looking only, and often devolving into rumination. Of course the ‘catch’ is that this new way I discovered entails that ‘I’ do not remain the same. Emp wrote in her report how in her God experience she saw that ‘I’ am the weaver of dreams… Indeed that is what ‘I’ am, in that ‘I’ keep ‘my’ beliefs in place. ‘I’ have weaved a whole world for ‘myself’, the place where ‘I’ live. With pure intent this world which ‘I’ have weaved for ‘myself’ is progressively untied, dissolved. Again there is this ‘catch’ in actualism. That with the successful application of the
method there is change, and change implies that ‘I’ do not remain the same.
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