To be free one must be determined to die.

From the side of the Human Condition that is how it looks like, and it is scary. From the side of actual freedom or in a pure consciousness experience however, it is simply a drama played out, the final drama with all the ‘parts’ of the ‘self’ acting out their particular bits. What started a few days ago as an ordinary flu with its usual symptoms in throat, nose and chest brought up my fear of old age and death, which I experienced as a fierce tension in the solar-plexus with nausea, pain and upsets. Looked very real this way.

This morning I watched an English film about Nazis, called ‘The Night of the Generals’, different characters of leading officers in Germany and France during the last year of the war. The murder trial still went on 20 years later. Many of the particular German traits and beliefs I could recognise and identify in me, the generals just had them a bit exaggerated. And the ‘good’ guys did as much harm as the ‘bad’ guys. Being right, loyal, obedient, their heroism, viciousness and the lust for power, believing in good and bad and authority as such – just not having it quite defined as to which is right and which is wrong ... And then, of course, the universal sorrow about all the terror of war...

All this has to die, irrevocably.

And seen from the side of the actual world, I have always been here, done what I have done, the Human Condition is just a passionate phantom, in the process of being dismantled, diminished and eliminated, while ‘I’ am trying to stage the dramatic stories. It is an incredible fascinating time to experience this happening!

17.11.1998

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

‘Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.’

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year ‘that it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account that fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then: (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

3.12.1998

Hi everybody,

Om.Com [our server] seems to have some trouble with their telephone company. They might switch to another company and say it may take them 10 days to do so. So if you don’t hear from all of us who are connected through Om.Com, that’s why.

9.12.1998

Hi everybody,

there is some new, freshly update correspondence on our web-site: Correspondence Peter and Correspondence Vineeto.

4.1.1999

Respondent A:

Hi,

Good to hear from you. You have asked:

‘I forgot to say ... and what about someone like me who does not have a partner, where do I fit in in being free?

BTW... Happy New Year ... it’s nice to hear from you again ...’

Actual Freedom has nothing to do with having a partner or not. Just Peter and me have described our experiences on the path to freedom as we did it, in a partnership. But you might have noticed the conversation on the list, Alan or No 3 are exploring freedom by themselves and for themselves. It may look different or even more difficult in the beginning, but everyone has to discover it for themselves anyway. Don’t let yourself be stopped by not having a partner.

Peter did not make me free nor did I do anything for him. It was very helpful to talk to others about what is happening and ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive’ – and that’s what we have the mailing-list for. We all look like fools when we learn something new, so that consideration is not really worth to stand in the road, although I know from my own experience that pride can be such a stumbling block, again and again.

When you start with the question ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive’ you will find different kinds of reasons, emotions, moods that keep you from ‘feeling good’.

Richard has described the method really well in his article ‘This moment of being alive’.

And then you start off exploring into your psyche, finding out about your hopes, expectations, complaints, assumptions how things should be, ideals and whatever else.

Once I got the knack I had actually good fun exploring. I found that instead of having feelings about a useless hope or dream I could decide to actively abandon that dream, cut it out of my psyche and come back here, into this moment with its magnificent sounds, colours, tastes and interaction. Each time it was like an operation, but the ‘losses’ made me happier and happier, because what I lost was actually the very cause for the present misery or anguish.

Yes, it is true, in many issues I checked myself out with Peter, but anyone or anything can trigger an emotion, a resentment and there I went, investigating again into the cause of my emotion. Even the weather can be a good ‘thermometer’: do I get pissed off when it rains? Do I wait for sun to make me happy? Do I blame the weather for not wanting to be here? It does not matter where you start and it is only you who can make you free, a great arrangement, isn’t it!

So let me know how you are going...

18.2.1999

Respondent No. B:

So you found us on the web? and joined the mailing list – welcome.

Fascinating writings I discovered while browsing the web one boring night at school. I’ve been a student of Course in Miracles, but had a lot of suspicions about this ‘ego-bashing’ that comprises the bulk of the text. Also wasn’t too keen on the idea that Jesus was the channelled author ... and didn’t care. But of all my investigations, you are the first to suggest that even the soul itself is not so benign as we’ve come to believe.

Yes, the first, and according to Richard’s extensive investigations the only bunch of people to say so. Hence our description of ‘A New, Non-spiritual, Down-to-earth Freedom’. Richard has been the first who was not contented with his enlightenment but who, in 11 years of thorough investigation, came to see through the delusion that enlightenment actually is.

Once I was able to look past my objections and see the radicalness of this new approach, it made eminent sense to me that not only the ego, but also the soul, our feelings, instincts and imagination are part of the ‘self’ that is responsible for all the malice and sorrow both in me and in the world. But you will discover that when you have time to read a bit into Richard’s web-site.

But it is still a bit tricky to hear you referring to ‘I’ even after all this ‘self’ annihilation you’ve been through. Maybe our language simply cannot convey the essence of what you are really saying...but I sure ‘sense’ the legitimacy of it.

Richard: ‘There is a generally accepted convention around the world that, when referring to the psychological or psychic entity within the body, small quotes are used. To wit: ‘I’, ‘me’, ‘my’. When wishing to refer to this flesh and blood body bereft of this entity, it is convenient to revert to the first person pronoun: I, my, me ... or even more impersonally ... one.’ Richard, List B, No 12

And in another conversation:

Respondent: Yes there are many subtle misconceptions concerning the concept of ‘me’, one of them is that we can get away with all the problems by calling ourselves a ‘flesh and blood body’.

Richard: ‘No, not at all. One can not ‘get away with all the problems by calling ourselves a ‘flesh and blood body’. This physical universe, being perfect and pristine, has so arranged itself that nobody can get away with anything. If one is at all dishonest – as in intellectually unscrupulous – about ferreting out anything detrimental to one’s salubrity, that aspect of one’s personality that one has conveniently overlooked has the charming habit of sneaking up behind one and tapping one firmly behind the knees. If one is at all desirous of living a blameless and carefree life, one can not fudge a single issue.

Thus, to merely call oneself a ‘flesh and blood body’ achieves nothing – unless one is so stupefied as to be so easily fooled by one’s own mendacity. Only when both the ego and the soul are extinct is this appellation veritable ... and the results of doing so are deliciously lived out in one’s daily life.’ Richard, List B, No 20

Peter has explained it quite well in our glossary. There are three ‘I’s’, the normal I, the spiritual I and the actual I. So even when you eliminate the normal and the spiritual I or ‘self’, there is still this flesh and blood body that one needs to refer to. I is the shortest and most common way to name it.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

30.5.1999

Hi everybody,

What do you think about the latest scientific discovery...?

7.6.1999

Diagram based on the research work of Professor LeDoux (http://www.cns.nyu.edu/home/ledoux/), referred to in Peter’s and Vineeto’s posts.

28.7.1999

Hi Everybody,

I am happy to say that our mailing list is back working again, so all the stacked up writings from everyone can go on line...

I went cruising on the internet and found in one of the spiritual periodicals such an amusing counselling session on chat-line that I thought it would be worth translating the non-sense into straight English. The non-sense of the conversation becomes much more obvious when one removes the New-Dark-Age cover of decorative language. These sessions are actually offered for money and will therefore be considered even more valuable than if they were distributed free for just compassion’s sake.

*

Here you go – have fun ... ... I recognized a lot of my own way of talking, way back then.

1.3.2000

Hi Everybody,

Some interesting article I found in the news today. This ‘laughing-disease’ may be infectious and could very well be caught over the internet by reading, particularly by applying and experimenting with iconoclastic and heretical new non-spiritual methods... I wonder what scientists would find in my brain...

Tumour-Like Mass Can Make You Want To Laugh

ST. PAUL, MN

A small tumour-like mass known as a hypothalamic hamartoma can cause patients to feel the desire to laugh, according to a case report in the February 22 issue of Neurology, the scientific journal of the American Academy of Neurology. The urge to laugh is not always followed by laughter.

The report tells of three patients with small non-cancerous hamartomas located on the brain’s hypothalamus, causing mild epileptic seizures and the unusual pressure-to-laugh feeling. The patients had recurring giggling bouts at a young age that remained into adulthood. Medication was able to stop the seizures, but did not stop the urge to laugh. The suppressed laughing bouts could occur up to 10 or 15 times a day for patients, causing some embarrassing situations. One woman described the feeling ‘like a tickling inside my head.’ Due to a rise in her voice occurring with the urge to laugh, she gave up singing. Another man gauged the surrounding social situation to judge whether laughter was appropriate or not. He would bite his lip to suppress his laughter or let the urge develop into laughter similar to his normal laugh. His normal laughter caused tearing and reddening of the face whereas the pressure-to-laugh occurrences did not.

‘Many patients find the feeling pleasant,’ said neurologist and case report author Samuel Berkovic, MD, from the Austin and Repatriation Medical Center in Victoria, Australia.

‘However, they are aware that sometimes a seizure may follow and this is frightening. It results in patients torn between the enjoyment of the symptom and the fear of what could happen after it.’ Berkovic says it’s important to recognize this often undetected symptom as a clue to the presence of a hamartoma and seek treatment from a neurologist.

‘How laughter occurs is not completely understood,’ said Berkovic. ‘Laughter involves a complex relationship between the thought processes and emotional aspects of the brain as well as the physical control of the muscles in the chest and voice box. We know the hypothalamus, a tiny structure deep in the brain that is involved in things like thirst, temperature control and appetite along with emotions, is very important to the generation of laughter.’ These three patients had normal brain development and intelligence, unlike other cases involving hypothalamic hamartomas and laughing seizures, where problems with mental ability, multiple seizures and behavioural problems developed.

‘The difference in the symptoms of these three patients and more severe hamartoma cases is the smaller size of the hamartomas,’ said Berkovic. ‘Our patients are on the mild end of the spectrum.’ Copyright © 2000 Science Daily

5.5.2000

Hi Everybody,

There has been such good writing lately in both Peter’s and Richard’s latest correspondence with paragraph upon paragraph of accurate descriptions of what actualism and Actual Freedom are all about. As the self-appointed librarian I wish there were adequate ‘exhibition rooms’ in order to not have those words disappear in the vastness of the website.

Yesterday I found in Richard’s latest correspondence a description of the self in action that I found so excellent and brilliant in its accuracy and preciseness that, in view of our latest discussions about emotions on the list, I will post it here.

Respondent: There is, for me, something very similar in both positive and negative feelings. What am I trying to say? I think there is a central figure that in one case (positive feelings – like being in love) is grasping and in the other (negative feelings – being angry, repulsed) is pushing away. There is a centre to all this feeling that tries to maintain itself by what – by nurturing itself by grasping for things, or defending itself by pushing things away? Is this the primitive self structure you are talking about?

Richard: Yes. Richard, General Correspondence, No 9

‘Pushing away’ and ‘grasping’ – these are indeed the two opposite actions that I observe as ‘me’, the ‘self’ in action, depending on the emotion that is arising at the time. And in this very description of the ‘primitive self structure’ there also lies the solution for catching the bugger and moving closer towards self-immolation. To stop pushing away bad, fearful, angry and sorrowful feelings and to stop grasping the good, loving and blissful feelings leaves ‘me’ with nothing to hang my hat on – an absolute fascinating experience when put into practice. There is a quality of suspense when I not let feelings take me on a ride, be they ‘good’ or ‘bad’, a thrill of doing the unfamiliar, an aliveness that is experienced just before popping through into the actual world in a PCE.

The other fascinating observation was that refusing to go along with any emotion in one direction – ie fear – the temptation then appears to draw me into the opposite direction – ie feeling on cloud nine. Considering that instinctual passions and chemical reactions in the brain go hand in hand the pairing of emotions makes sense because to counteract a strong fear the amygdala will pump a strong dose of chemicals producing ecstatic feeling in order to overcome the fear to ensure one’s survival. In order to permanently get rid of the bad feelings, at the same time I will have to examine and get rid of the accompanying good feeling as well.

Peter said it well in his recent letter to mailing list B:

2. What made you realize that the PCE was of this world and not from ‘above’?

The major reason was that I had experienced both a PCE and a Satori, and both of equal length. The only similarity between them is that they are both experienced as ‘other’ worldly – i.e. outside of one’s ‘normal’ experiencing of normally grim reality.

The Satori experience is of another world where ‘I’ feel love, oneness, wholeness, spaceless and timeless. The experience is ‘of the heart’, a feeling-only experience where normal ‘I’ is replaced with a new grander version who is at-one-with the universe. This experience is termed an altered state of consciousness whereby ‘my’ consciousness or perception is altered from fearful mortal to fearless immortal. All of this merely goes on in the head but is felt in the heart due to the increased chemical flows triggered by the primitive brain. Many altered states of consciousness experiences happen during a dark night of the soul when thoughts of hopelessness, depression, futility and even suicide are running. The very desperate near death thoughts can induce a near death experience that triggers a chemical flow to the body and brain that produces euphoric feelings. These feelings are usually accompanied by imaginary visions of a religious nature, dependant solely upon the person’s culture or current inclination. Thus it is that Christians can ‘hear’, ‘see’ or ‘feel’ the Lord or the white light leading to Heaven while Eastern religious followers feel Oneness, Wholeness, Godliness, God intoxicated or whatever. The tell-tale clue of an altered state of consciousness experience is that the ‘new perception’ is always cultural or religious specific and it is always accompanied by powerful emotions triggered by chemical flows from the instinctual primitive brain.

A pure consciousness experience, on the other hand, has neither an imaginary (cerebral) nor an affective (emotional) component. <snip>

3. Is the PCE neurological, biological, psychological ... or what would you say?

Given that a PCE, or peak experience as it sometimes referred to, can often be induced by drugs or traumatic experiences that alter the brain’s chemical balance it would indicate that the onset of a PCE is neuro-biological phenomena. This is confirmed by the fact that modern neuro-biological research by Joseph LeDoux and others are beginning to trace emotions such as fear to the automatic reaction of the primitive brain. The amygdala in particular is being identified as the source that activates a flow of chemicals in the body as an automatic fight or flight response in the face of danger. This instinctual chemical flow reaches the neo-cortex or modern cognitive brain a split second later and is interpreted by the alien entity as psychological and/or psychic fear. In the PCE, it would seem that this pathway from the ancient instinctual brain to the modern cognitive brain no longer functions, i.e. it is temporarily blocked. The modern brain, thus freed from its instinctual ‘self’-centred passion-producing companion, the primitive brain (amygdala), is able to operate freely with a pure consciousness.

The physical senses – the stalks of the brain – are similarly freed of the ever-fearful guard duty that is imposed on the modern brain by the instinctual primitive brain. This freedom from chemical assault results in a startling sensate-only experience of the actual world that is best described as sensuous delight. It is as though colours are far more vibrant, sounds far louder, tastes more flavoursome, touch more sensual, smells more fragrant and everything is experienced as vibrant and not merely passive.

In the PCE, the experience of ‘self’-lessness, the lack of any instinctual passion, the clarity of thought and reflection and the heightened physical senses all accord with the neo-cortex being freed from the insidious influence of the animal instinctual reptilian brain. How this happens physically in a PCE is, to my knowledge, yet to be mapped by empirical science but there is clear evidence that a permanent disconnection has been deliberately induced by at least one person and is being deliberately induced by a handful of others.

This is, of course, a clinical scientific description only and the process cannot be separated from its psychological and psychic ramifications and, as such, the term ‘self’-immolation is a more evocatively accurate term to describe this process. Peter, List B, No 10

Contemplating further I realized that to stop pushing away and stop grasping might at first look similar to the Buddhist practice of ‘neti-neti’, ‘neither this nor that’. The approach of Buddhists and all other meditators is to remove the self from the source of trouble which at the same time removes one from the experience of the sensuousness of being alive. Spiritualism moves away from sensate and affective feelings in order to not be here while an actualist questions and eliminates affective feelings because they prevent me from being here, being the senses-only experiencing the delight of being alive in this actual perfect abundant magical world.

But Buddhists are exercising a technique to remove themselves, to dis-identify and finally to dissociate from either this or that feeling, implying that there is a true self, which they want to keep, that can remove itself from this or that feeling or thought. In actualism the emotion is experienced by neither repressing nor expressing, neither pushing nor grasping and thus one is able to examine it in reflective contemplation so as to explore the very nature of this emotion. One does not remove the self from the emotion but whittles away at the self which is the very program producing the emotion in the first place. This process, if undertaken diligently and persistently, will inevitably lead to self-immolation.

Actual Freedom lies 180 degrees in the opposite direction to all religious practice and belief.

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