Selected Writings from Peter’s Journal

on Sex

The extraordinary thing was that, here I was, involved in easy conversation with a man [Richard] who had been Enlightened, in his living room, just down the road from where I lived. At last I had found someone I could really talk to about Enlightenment and spiritual matters – what about thinking, what about sex, what is the meaning of life, what is Enlightenment like? To uncover the mystery, to talk matter-of-fact-ly about the meaning of it all. Not to mention the ‘ordinary’ – where do you buy that coffee and did you see that new show on TV? But the thing that really got to me was that he was talking about men and women living together and the pleasure of sex; how unlike the Enlightened Ones! – in fact 180 degrees opposite. It was obvious I was involved in something radically different here, and given that all else had produced no tangible results, I decided to give this one hundred percent. I just thought I had nothing left to lose; all else had failed. So why not?

I thought Richard’s credentials were impeccable, and he was willing and able to talk clearly about his experiences and discoveries. He had had a female companion for the last eleven years and together they have investigated what is called the ‘Human Condition’ – that set of beliefs, conditioning and instincts that is the program by which human beings have operated ever since they emerged from the caves or trees. Further, they had developed a method for actually ridding oneself of malice and sorrow, the very core of the Human Condition.

To become happy and harmless was the term I liked. It seemed to me an eminently sensible aim in life! Peter’s Journal, ‘Introduction’

By freeing ourselves of all the beliefs and instincts that had prevented us from living together in peace and harmony, the pure natural delight of freely enjoyed sex was revealed, step by delicious step. The very process of investigating the Human Condition and putting the issues on the table to be mutually resolved rather than fearfully coveted, allowed us to penetrate this most personal, most intimate of subjects. More than this, we also dug deep to tackle the instinctual behaviour patterns that ultimately doom human sex to failure, resulting in dis-appointment, resentment and eventual abandonment. What an utter tragedy as one can have such extraordinary sensory delight from the pure physical sexual play between a man and a woman. It requires, though, a thorough investigation of all the taboos, mystique and conditioning which have been largely imposed by the priests and gurus – the very same priests and gurus who declare sex to be sinful or to be eventually transcended – abandoned on the path to the Higher. For centuries they have practised their denial and celibacy with monumental hypocrisy and torturous selfishness. They obviously have not a clue when they talk about sex ... and yet it is their Wisdom that we follow! Very curious.

This chapter has been deliberately placed in this sequence in the book, as the free enjoyment of sex is a delightful by-product of the complete process of dismantling the psychological and psychic entity within. In other words, two people have to be equally committed to the process. It takes two to tango of course; human bodies do it easily and naturally – it’s simply a matter of getting rid of absolutely all of the mental wiring that is in the way. It was also essential to bring a halt to the battle of the sexes between us, because in my experience the bed becomes a major battleground. It was also essential to free myself of the set of emotions and instincts called love that prevents the actual intimacy necessary for complete sexual enjoyment. Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’

It always struck me as extraordinary that sex had such a taboo around it. Sex was this unspoken thing that you rather got on with the best you could. My sex education was virtually zero, but my first big shock came when I was about fourteen years old. One night I was awoken from my sleep to hear my father yelling at the top of his voice at my sister who was about three years older than me. She had become pregnant, and he was calling her a whore and ordering her out of the house. Thereafter sex meant getting a girl pregnant and, in the days before reliable and easily available contraception, for me that meant torture. Here I was, a teenager, with raging hormones – literally being led around by my dick.

In those days I often found myself in the back seat of a car groping with a girl and trying to go only so far, and no further ... or else! Consequently, when I married I was still a virgin at the ripe age of twenty-two. Marriage, for me, was a ticket to legal and morally acceptable sex. My memory of sex at this time was of it being a very quick business with ejaculation at the end. After about five years we had produced two children, and I then decided to become sterilised – quite a process at that time. At least I had now eliminated the pregnancy risk every time I had sex with the associated fears and drastic consequences. By the time my marriage ground to an end, sex had almost ceased, and I was reduced to what appeared to be the standard substitute of masturbation. Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’

Sex without relationship was not what I was after. Soon I found myself in a relationship, which was wonderfully sexual at the start, a kind of a sexual ‘peak experience’, but it proved very elusive to recapture, and over the years sex was to decline and eventually dribble to a halt.

Was it to be that sex at the start of a relationship was good, but then there was always the inevitable decline? From what I had seen around me, this pattern seemed to be commonly accepted in all relationships. Was this the best I could expect? I also found that any attempt to talk about sex was extraordinarily awkward and was taken very personally by either myself or the woman involved. Ignorance and emotions abounded and it seemed that the only solution was to give up any expectation of anything better being possible.

So, in the end I gave up on both relationships and sex. At least I would cease the torment and disappointment in myself and stop inflicting it on my partners. I was then deliberately celibate, which was to last for three years, with even masturbation ceasing. Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’

So, upon meeting Vineeto I was very wary of sex, as I knew my ignorance and failures only too well. However, now I had a goal – to investigate all the conditioning and beliefs that made up the mystique around sex – and a willing partner! When we first jumped into bed I was terrified; after three years of celibacy I did not even know if my equipment was still capable of functioning! Well, needless to say, it did, and we started a journey of a lifetime with daily rewards for our efforts, which then ushered us on to our next discovery.

The first thing that happened was that Vineeto, being a meditator at the time, would use her orgasm to ride off into a deep meditative state. I would then find myself lying next to someone who had literally ‘gone’ somewhere else. Had I been reduced to some sort of cosmic rocket launcher? Here I was, confronted with Tantra and its consequences! Was it to be that, during sex, each of us would remain in our ‘own world’, and at the end, each become ‘blissed out’ in our own separate worlds?

At that moment I understood what was wrong with the teachings of the Western spiritual teacher who I had recently been following. He had said some things about sex, and the sex drive in men particularly, that rang true, but he always appeared condemnatory in the Christian way – ‘sex is the Devil’ type stuff. He teaches a method of pumping up one’s ‘self’ with the emotion of love, and by riding on the orgasm, one achieves a state of bliss or God-realisation depending on your mood at the time. I have heard it said he goes ‘somewhere’ else in his imaginary world of Divine Love, exactly as I had experienced Vineeto doing. I now see Tantra as the way of the ‘Golden Rod’. As a well-known form of Hinduism, it is obviously a failed sexual practice, as evidenced by the repression, ignorance and perversion evident in Eastern sexuality. It always seemed interesting to me that upon arriving in the ‘promised land of bliss’ it was glorious indeed, but I was always alone.

 

It was ‘my’ bliss, ‘my’ inner state. Even talking to someone else in the same state (if indeed it was possible to talk) usually broke the spell, and it became obvious that they were not where I was ‘at’. This all became very apparent to me, and since our aim was to question all the ‘tried and failed’ beliefs, we agreed to try a different approach. Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’

But where did that leave sex in the scheme of things? Were we really facing that hoary old ghost of sex without love? Here we were right up against the major religious and social taboo – and no way out! It was not as though we could go backwards into the old quagmire of emotions. At this period I remember that it felt as though we were strangers having sex: a bit like a series of one-night stands but without the excitement of it. It was noticeable that as the senses were becoming heightened so were the fears. Out beyond the normal boundaries of morality, feelings of sinful guilt and shame would arise: adulterers, fornicators and whores. The condemnation was almost tangible, but the sex was good, very sensual. On a few occasions the fear arose that we had reduced ourselves to mere rutting animals.

As mentioned previously, I had been celibate for three years before meeting Vineeto and I found a curious thing happened to me when I started having sex again. The sex drive, which had comfortably gone to sleep in the corner like an old cat, suddenly woke up and played all its old tricks again. Of course having sex again was delicious but the return of fantasising, eyeing other women and masturbation were uncomfortable and disquieting side effects. I could see clearly that these were very common sexual symptoms, but what was their source and how to eliminate them? They obviously stood in the way. One day I had an experience of walking downtown in the holiday village that I live in and seeing all the interactions between people as purely sexual. I saw this not as shocking but simply as the way things are; human beings are, after all, sexual beings. Not only do we engage in sex for reproduction as other animals do, but for humans sex is a highly pleasurable activity: and it is a delightful duet sport as well! Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’

So, it was obvious that being driven sexually was the problem and the problem was in me. As an experiment, I decided to plunge fully into both masturbation and fantasy, to allow myself to push beyond the feelings of guilt and shame that had plagued me since my teenage years. I kept going beyond self-indulgence; and something curious began to happen. It became clear to me that this was just plain silly, stupid, mad and destructive. Here I was with a willing woman, to whom I was sexually attracted, and there was this drive in me that prevented me from being with her as a real woman. When I was with her sexually I would be thinking of other women, and I knew this to be a common male situation. When I saw other women I would be sexually attracted to them and fantasise about them.

Facing this squarely in myself and contemplating it led me to a devastating conclusion. This sex drive within me is not concerned with me being happy with one woman; in fact, it is actively conspiring to prevent it! Nature, or more accurately blind nature, wants only reproduction – the survival of the species – and it doesn’t give a damn for my happiness. My enjoyment of sex is a mere by-product of the reproductive process.

As a male animal I am programmed with a sexual instinct which drives me to impregnate as many women as possible. Crudely put (for it is indeed crude): find woman, fuck woman, move on; find woman, fuck woman, move on... The sex drive, when coupled with the instinct of aggression, produces the rapist. In all the wars, the soldier’s spoil at the end of battle was rape. And despite the attempt to ‘keep a lid on it’ with morals and noble ideals, this blind instinct lies at the very core of man’s sexual behaviour. At last I had the bugger by the throat: the very instinct that prevented my free enjoyment of sex with this woman. Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’

It is very interesting what happens with this method of ridding oneself of beliefs and instincts. It actually works! I had been around the spiritual/therapy world for years, had probably heard parts of this before, done ‘work’ or groups on the issue before, but here I was able to go straight for the jugular. This was the core of the problem, it was in the road between us, and I needed to be free of it! After all, it was preventing my happiness and enjoyment of life now! I recognised the behaviour and feelings in myself, saw the appalling consequences both to my happiness and that of others ... and then they simply disappeared. The complete and total understanding of a belief or instinct actually results in its elimination. It took a little time, a lot of diligence, introspection and plain ‘self’-obsession – and the will to keep going, to find out. It was often very fearful and I found myself not only dealing with my fears but also with the fear of all humans now and who ever have been. And then, as though by magic, one day I realised I was no longer driven. It had been a gradual process but it had come to an end – it worked. The sex drive, or instinct, had actually disappeared from my life.

It was extraordinarily freeing to no longer be led around by my dick, to no longer revert to fantasy and imagination, to no longer eye off other women. And I am free of the seductive power of women, that ultimate power that women exert over men. Of course, it was not merely an intellectual understanding and it translated gradually over the months into an actual free enjoyment of sex with Vineeto. With fear, guilt, imagination and blind nature no longer present, the physical act of sex reveals its delights – with a real woman, lustily sexual, eyes open, actual, delicious, tactile, sensual, immediate, body-tingling pleasure. The actual physical pleasure of sex revealed was to far exceed the imaginative and fantasy world of sex I had previously lived in. Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’

The results of this investigation are indeed quite interesting. We have discovered a heightened sensual pleasure in sex. We have stripped away all the emotions, fears, blockages, hesitancies, guilt, and any withholding that occurs around sex. It is simply a matter of when to comfortably fit it in to the day, as the resulting sensations can last for hours. It’s that ‘Wow’ or ‘Hmmm’ that we can get at the coffee shop later on that is so good.

It is usually obvious when it is a good time to jump into bed, and not being driven takes all the ‘will we – won’t we’ nonsense away. It simply happens whenever it suits us both. Without the sex drive operating we are able to enjoy the whole of the sexual act; it is not just a blind rush to orgasm.

We enjoy the heightened physical pleasures of touch, smell, sight and sound, the senses building and building to become purely sexual.

The point is that the whole act is so delicious, and orgasm is just a part of it, but to prolong an orgasm or ride on the edge of one is to ride a wave of pleasure ... teetering ... right on the edge ... Yes! And then another wave comes along and off we go again ... it sure beats surfing! And each time it is a totally different journey – going wherever it goes! Pure physical pleasure!

And how good to find a fully sexual woman – freed of inhibitions – who equally enjoys a ‘romp’. The cells of the body afterwards tingling as though a fine electric charge is surging through – like a total cell re-charge. That feeling of toes curled up, utter relaxation in the body, and an extraordinary intimacy with this woman who has pleasured me, as I have pleasured her. Freely given and received, actual and physical, and any emotional ‘goo’ out of the way. We often would lie in bed as this physical delight emerged more and more, and say that the path to freedom would be worth it just for the sex alone! Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’

Recently someone said of Richard’s writings: ‘Why is he talking of everyday things?’ Well, when I lived in the world of emotions, feelings, energies and spirits, it was a full-time neurosis, and I couldn’t savour the delights of food, sex, conversation, doing ‘nothing’, playing FreeCell, reading a book, walking, sitting and watching the sky (or the ceiling). Now I do. Having nothing meaningful or useful or significant or urgent or exciting to do, day after day: and yet experiencing every day, each moment as perfect. Everyday life, everyday things. It has to be lived to be fully understood.

We have a small flat, television, video, a couple of computers, two couches, a balcony with another couch and a couple of comfortable chairs, and a kitchen stocked with our favourite foods. In short, there is everything I need in life, and I live life in this flat as I did on the yacht those nights, many years ago. The physical ordinary things of life in this house are as actual, as extraordinary, as the wonders of nature. The universe has done a wonderful job in providing me with all the comforts I require for a delightful life, and I only need to work a little to earn sufficient money to pay the bills.

The physical universe is infinite and perfect – the ‘stuff’ of the universe being defined as animal, vegetable and mineral. The ‘energies’ of the universe are purely the physical forces of the universe, regulating the ‘stuff’ of the universe. And I, as a human being, am made of the same stuff as the universe. Undeniably, I am the product of the meeting between a sperm and an egg. I remember once looking at my hand and it was obviously the claw of an animal, and a sexual one at that. I was not here before birth and I will not be here after death. There is nothing ‘inside’ me, this body, or separate from me, to continue after I die. As a physical animal in the physical universe I have made it my aim to be happy and harmless, and the universe did its’ ‘universe thing’ to aid in the creation of the best possible.

Foetus

Another image that struck me was a film showing the beginning of the formation of a human foetus. It showed the growth in the first days when the main activity is the fervent multiplication and creation of new cells. The cells lined up to form an ever-thickening line which was to be the child’s backbone. As the cells began to form the beginnings of limbs and a head, a sack formed in the chest area, and a pulsing motion could be seen. All in the first few days! Astounding to see, and so extraordinary, that to put a God or anything else in the way was to entirely miss seeing the physical universe in operation. To call life ‘sacred’ is to completely miss the point.

Removing God, energies, emotions and feelings is seeing and experiencing the actual world free of a skin or film layered over the top. That I, as this body, am a collection of intelligent cells that forms a whole, which is sensate, mobile, able to think, reflect and communicate with others, and that this whole bundle eventually wears out and dies is so extraordinary, so amazing!

What I have now discovered is a constant, permanent experiencing of what I had experienced on the yacht – the perfection and purity of the physical universe. I, as part of this universe, made of the same ‘stuff’, am able to see and reflect on the universe. I am the universe experiencing itself as a human being. The difference in me is that when there is no ‘self’ – no malice and sorrow – I am able to not only see but experience the innate purity and perfection. And that malicious and sorrowful person I used to be, did it – cute hey! Perfect and delightful, simple and obvious. Peter’s Journal, ‘The universe’

© The Actual Freedom Trust