ALAN: In view of the recent discussions on how to induce, or at least encourage, a PCE I thought it might be of use if I wrote of this afternoons happenings – besides, it will give me a lot of fun.

I found Richard’s post to No. 12 on my computer this morning and downloaded the new web page for later reading. While there I thought I would visit Richard’s home page in case there was any other new material. I do not think it is new, but I discovered ‘Compassion Perpetuates Sorrow’, which I had not read and so downloaded this also. Sitting with my cup of tea, after lunch, I started reading it. Fascination started to set in. There was a ‘connectedness’, a ‘rightness’, a delight in realizing what was written was actually correct and was what I was experiencing. I got to

This moment is happening and I am doing it. Then one is in this propitious state of being able to say: ‘I am doing what is happening’.

PETER: The other morning a peak experience snuck up on me – after a particularly good ‘romp’ with Vineeto. It was one of particular clarity marked by a complete absence of any sense of ‘self’ or ‘being’ within my body. All was perfect and pure with a magical intensity that was palpable. Not merely static – a sense of the whole universe happening at this moment with a vibrancy that was sensately experienced.

RESPONDENT No. 15 (P/V): I can’t remember a PCE is that a problem.

MARK: It is very helpful to remember a PCE because it is to remember what is actual – which is a helpful and possibly essential reference point to have when plumbing the depths of the psyche. For myself, my identity was such a convoluted and tricky maze to navigate, it has been sometimes confusing to say the least, and the remembrance of the PCE for me is a remembrance of purity and perfection and my only experience of this body, this walking brain, if you will, in its purest awareness without any driver. When one embarks on a thorough investigation of the self, one can become involved in such inner battles for supremacy between conflicting beliefs ideas and emotions that it can become quite confusing as one’s conniving identity, seemingly chameleon-like changes colour and appearance, and dodges this way and that to avoid close scrutiny. During these confusing times, which all of us following this path have had along the way, when one does not know who is undoing what or why – then the remembrance of the PCE is most helpful to enable one to keep one’s bearings and observations unbiased.

RICHARD: Going by what you have written in the past I have no doubts whatsoever that your experiences are full-blown PCEs. Perhaps you did not ‘immediately see that ‘I’ do not actually exist’ but to be able to write what you do it is patently obvious that at those moments ‘Alan’ is not extant. My favourite description of this phenomenon comes from Grace where, in one outstanding PCE (and as soon at it became apparent) I was quick to ask her: ‘what happened to that concerned woman sitting on the couch that I was just talking to a minute ago?’

‘Oh, her’, said Grace, without batting an eyelid, ‘she’s full of problems!’

ALAN: This, to me, is one of the most startling things in a PCE. The troubles, problems and hang-ups one had a brief moment before, vanish completely. And just as, when returning to ‘normal’ after a PCE, one can only recollect the experience (as discussed above), when experiencing a PCE one can only remember that one used to have problems. It is no longer possible to experience the ‘problems’ and one wonders how one could possibly have ever been like that. 8.9.1999

VINEETO: Needless to say, this method has not the slightest thing to do with plain rationalization or spiritual dis-identification – proven by the very fact that it works, that it gets rid of the emotion permanently while increasingly allowing the sensual sensuousness and the pure delight of being alive.

ALAN: Earlier this morning, I was ‘catching up’ on some of Richard’s correspondence with mailing list ‘C’ and, later, was pondering on what I had read, while washing up some crocks. The subject of my musings was my reluctance to post to the mailing list, over the last few weeks and whether everything I do is done by ‘me’. This moved on to ‘how can I experience this moment without ‘me’ being present?’ Answer: by practicing the actual, by marvelling at the simplicity of it all, by delight at the wonder of the scene outside the window (at that moment a jackdaw landing on a cow’s head), by enjoying the simple pleasure of the hands in warm, soapy water. The thought came to me ‘how can anyone object to so-called ‘chores’, when it is just such fun to be here doing what it is I am doing’. Amazement and wonder shortly followed and I realized that what I had been doing was ‘reflective contemplation’.

To get to my point. ‘Reflective contemplation’ is the way to not only get out of stuckness but also to discover what is preventing one experiencing this moment. I realized that this is what had occasioned all of my PCEs – this is what leads to wonder at the joy of it all. Of course, it has been said before, especially in Richard’s brilliant paragraph (here).

Discovering it for oneself is what is necessary.

So, to anyone who may be interested, how does one activate ‘reflective contemplation’.

Simply by reading what is written here, on the AF web site and, best of all, Richard’s Journal. Then, by pondering on what has been written and applying it to oneself, one can move into ‘reflective contemplation’. If an emotion gets in the way, one is immediately presented with the opportunity to explore and discover and eliminate the emotion. To put it another way one asks oneself, each moment again, ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ Another excellent method of invoking ‘reflective contemplation’ is to write to this mailing list, especially when one does not feel like doing so! Maybe I should post that above my computer on a yellow sticky, eh.

I will post this for now and reply further later, as I have to go and do some delightful ‘chores’. 29.4.2000

GARY: Yesterday I had the first really clear and unequivocal PCE since starting with this and I thought to write about it a bit. Previously, I had had what I call ‘mini-PCEs’. They lasted only very brief periods of time, say an hour or so, and I wasn’t really sure it was a PCE.

Yesterday, however, I had no doubt at all about the experience, as it accorded in all details with what I have read about PCEs.

I had some trouble at work on Friday. There was a major disagreement between I and my supervisor over something that happened. There was some discussion about it, and some old fears of mine concerning work, authority, success, etc. came up for me. I found myself in some turmoil about these issues and, investigating deeper into it, I once again saw the futility of a feeling-based life, a so-called ‘normal’ life of sorrow, malice, nurture, and desire. On Saturday morning, I wrote in my journal to myself what I would do to bring about peace-on-earth, for myself and others. A little later, I sat in my chair and was still for quite awhile.

The PCE experience started there and continued for the rest of the day, at times most vividly, at other times diminishing somewhat, but always lustrous, vibrant, and rich. One of the things I noticed most strongly was the intensity of sensation – the clearness and brilliance of colours, and the ability to hear every little sound around me. We went to a gravel pit after breakfast and were just walking around, looking at the rocks and other natural features. We found some bear tracks and were examining those for a while. I saw a stone popping out of the ground that had some interesting features to it. I ran my hand along the exposed top of it and it felt to be alive. Similarly, the texture and surface of the stone appeared to be actually a living thing. It reminded me of psychedelic drug experiences I had when I was younger, except that it was natural and uncontaminated by any emotions of fright, fear, doubt, etc. Later on we went to the supermarket to do the week’s shopping.

Another thing I noticed about the experience was how any object, even the most ordinary and mundane, instantly had become amazingly interesting and wonderful to look at. Everything I looked at had a life of its own. Everything appeared fresh and new. Everywhere I looked there were sensual delights to behold. Another thing was that there was some kind of very pleasurable sensation located near the solar plexus region. I find this difficult to convey but it was a very satisfying visceral sensation. I shall have to, in future, see what I can notice about it.

On 15.3.00, in a reply to a previous correspondent, you wrote:

VINEETO: As I said above, in order to understand what Actual Freedom is about it is essential to remember a pure consciousness experience. It is vital to investigate precisely those ‘direct experiences’, and determine when and where and how the experience is being polluted by the ‘self’, by the feeling and spirit-ual interpretation of the actual sensate, sensuous experience.

GARY: I selected this excerpt because it reminded me of some of the questions I have about the PCE. I was wondering yesterday what made the experience fade away or diminish. Conversely, I found that I could refresh the experience by running the ‘How am I....’ question and by increased attentiveness to the feelings that contaminated the experience. A couple of times, the experience would come back in full bloom in all its’ lustrousness. The PCE stands out in such dramatic contrast to ordinary, every-day perception and sensation. I wonder if, as one advances on the path to Actual Freedom, they become more frequent, more a part of the landscape, so to speak? Or are they relatively rare? I gather from what Richard writes that his experiencing is like having a permanent PCE 24/7. How wonderful that must be! Which reminds me of another key feature of the experience – no affective element, no feelings, no disturbance whatsoever-there was nothing that could disturb the experience, take anything away from it, or detract from it. In other words, there was no feeling ‘me’ to spoil the experience.

How amazing. 13.8.2000a

GARY: Yesterday I had the first really clear and unequivocal PCE since starting with this ... previously, I had had what I call ‘mini-PCEs’. They lasted only very brief periods of time, say an hour or so, and I wasn’t really sure it was a PCE. Yesterday, however, I had no doubt at all about the experience, as it accorded in all details with what I have read about PCEs ... I had some trouble at work ... some old fears of mine concerning work, authority, success, etc. came up for me. I found myself in some turmoil about these issues and, investigating deeper into it, I once again saw the futility of a feeling-based life, a so-called ‘normal’ life of sorrow, malice, nurture, and desire ... I wrote in my journal to myself what I would do to bring about peace-on-earth, for myself and others. A little later, I sat in my chair and was still for quite awhile. The PCE experience started there and continued for the rest of the day, at times most vividly, at other times diminishing somewhat, but always lustrous, vibrant, and rich. One of the things I noticed most strongly was the intensity of sensation – the clearness and brilliance of colours, and the ability to hear every little sound around me ... at a gravel pit ... I saw a stone popping out of the ground that had some interesting features to it. I ran my hand along the exposed top of it and it felt to be alive. Similarly, the texture and surface of the stone appeared to be actually a living thing. It reminded me of psychedelic drug experiences I had when I was younger, except that it was natural and uncontaminated by any emotions of fright, fear, doubt, etc. Later on we went to the supermarket to do the week’s shopping.

Another thing I noticed about the experience was how any object, even the most ordinary and mundane, instantly had become amazingly interesting and wonderful to look at.

Everything I looked at had a life of its own. Everything appeared fresh and new.

Everywhere I looked there were sensual delights to behold. Another thing was that there was some kind of very pleasurable sensation located near the solar plexus region. I find this difficult to convey but it was a very satisfying visceral sensation. I shall have to, in future, see what I can notice about it ... I found that I could refresh the experience by running the ‘How am I ...’ question and by increased attentiveness to the feelings that contaminated the experience. A couple of times, the experience would come back in full bloom in all its’ lustrousness. The PCE stands out in such dramatic contrast to ordinary, every-day perception and sensation ... another key feature of the experience – no affective element, no feelings, no disturbance whatsoever – there was nothing that could disturb the experience, take anything away from it, or detract from it. In other words, there was no feeling ‘me’ to spoil the experience. How amazing.

RICHARD: Yes ... ‘how amazing’ indeed, eh? I am particularly pleased to see you say that you had a ‘clear and unequivocal PCE’ as, of course, I have no way of ascertaining the intrinsic quality of what any body experiences other than what they describe – and I have no intention of setting myself up to be to arbiter of another’s experience anyway – so I cannot adjudge the exact nature of what you experienced. The rule of thumb is to ask oneself: is this it; is this the ultimate; is this the utter fulfilment and total contentment; is this my destiny; is this how I would want to live for the remainder of my life ... and so on. It is up to each and every person to decide for themselves what it is that they want ... as I oft-times say: it is your life you are living and only you get to reap the rewards and pay the consequences for any action or inaction you may or may not do.

GARY: To be living in a condition in which the physical world and everything in it appears to be wondrously alive, newly born, and remarkably vivid, bright, and clean, does indeed impress me as the ultimate. In such a condition, there is immense satisfaction with simply being alive, present in this world at this moment in time. There is no sense of threat, nor does it seem such could arise. In the so-called ‘normal’ condition, fear, dread, or a sense of being threatened, never seems far around the corner. In contrast, in this condition, there was a fascinated and intense absorption in in the world of people and things, a sense of moving towards rather than moving away. The only thing that would be more ultimate would be to be living this experience continually and irrevocably.

RICHARD: When I first started writing on the internet I tended towards saying things like ‘I find your description to be an accurate portrayal of what I have been calling a peak experience’ and ‘going by what you have written I have no doubt that your experience is a PCE’ and so on, as it was important to both establish a common basis for discussion and to build up a data-base of differing people’s descriptions for others to read and draw affirmation and confirmation from. Yet herein lay a catch-22 that became increasingly obvious as more and more people reported their experience ... I was, by default, setting myself up to be to arbiter of another’s experience by (a) my words of corroboration or negation ... or (b) by the inclusion of their description in or the exclusion of their description from the data-base!

GARY: Yes, particularly since on my part there has been some confusion on account of the terminology, some lack of clarity about the difference between the so-called peak experience and the PCE and, now, what is described as an excellence experience, it is good that you are are not lending affirmance in order to establish the validity of these conditions. One needs to ‘see for themselves’ what is up by comparing the experience with what is written and by talking to others.

RICHARD: I am finding these things out as I go along and I am left with no alternative but to devise a stock-standard disclaimer such as this: I am simply reporting my experience and it is entirely up to the other to do with it what they will ... and I stress that it is the pure consciousness experience (PCE) that is one’s guiding light – one’s authority or one’s teacher – and not me or my description of a PCE. The evidence of human history demonstrates that there is a distinct possibility that things can go awry wherever the human psyche is being subjectively investigated. Yet there are some notable people (or notorious people) in this field of endeavour who have rashly promised that they will take care of everything if only the person investigating will believe them and/or have faith in them and/or trust them and/or surrender to them and/or obey them ... and so on. And there are more than a few of these gullible persons currently occupying places in psychiatric wards as a direct result ... and the person who promised to ‘take care of everything’ is remarkably unforthcoming (it is counsellors and therapists and psychologists and psychiatrists who have to pick up the pieces).

GARY: Yes, with the PCE as one’s teacher, one has the very finest there is, an experience in which nothing is lacking and nothing can be added. It is already always here, awaiting discovery by those rudely bold enough to leave the Tried and True teachings of religion, ethicality, and morality behind. As I understand these things, in the PCE there is the danger of an incipient ‘I’ stepping in and claiming the credit for the experience. ‘I’ want the experience to last, ‘I’ am sad to see it dimmer and fade away, hence, ‘I’ take centre stage and send the experience packing. What is it about the PCE that holds the ‘me’ in abeyance? Is it correct to say that ‘I’ am in abeyance during the PCE? Or is it more accurate to say that ‘I’ have vacated the scene completely and totally? What causes ‘me’ to return?

RICHARD: I cannot save anybody at all.

GARY: In hindsight, the description of the PCE fits the bill, with the magical, fairy-tale like quality. The excellence experience may be more common to me lately that I hitherto thought. In the excellence experience, there is a commonness to it not found in the PCE.

In the PCE, there is a clear sense that something of momentous importance is happening, at least it seemed that way for me. The excellence experience, if not labelled such, might seem to be an experience of exceptional clarity and lucidity. With the PCE, words like bounteousness, bursting, pouring forth, vibrant, clear, alive, animate, come to mind. One of the things that was most striking about it was how uncommon everything appeared, how rich and variegated everything was. 14.8.2000

GARY: As I understand these things, in the PCE there is the danger of an incipient ‘I’ stepping in and claiming the credit for the experience. ‘I’ want the experience to last, ‘I’ am sad to see it dimmer and fade away, hence, ‘I’ take centre stage and send the experience packing.

RICHARD: Yes and no ... the PCE is a temporary experience, when all is said and done, and it is unavoidable ‘I’ will reappear. There is more danger in ‘me’ stepping in as ‘Me’ (aggrandizing the experience) with predictable results ... and then one will indeed be following in Richard’s footsteps (I always chuckle when certain people claim that anyone interested in actualism are followers of Richard). 15.8.2000

GARY: Then this is the danger of the PCE turning into the Altered State of Consciousness? This ‘aggrandizing the experience’ must be extremely subtle then? What I understand to happen when this occurs is something like the following: the PCE is such a dramatic change from ‘normal’, everyday reality, that when it occurs, one loses all anchorage to the familiar, the cherished, with the resultant fear that one is ‘losing one’s marbles’, going insane. While it is a highly peaceful, pleasurable state, there also lurks the fear of the incipient ‘me’ that is on the verge of destruction, extinction. This ‘me’ steps in and becomes ‘Me’, with his or her divine mission to carry the message, and this occurs because this is how all the gurus and God-men/women down through history have interpreted the experience.

I am reminded of the experiences of Jacob Boehme, a 17^th century Christian mystic, whose writings I formerly had an interest in, chiefly because he represented the Western stream of mysticism and I could relate to that more than the teachings of the East. It appears that what happened to him is an illustration of this process whereby the ‘me’ becomes the ‘Me’. I include it as an example of the process:

‘This resident of Goerlitz, Germany, was a member of the cobblers union, married a butcher’s daughter, and fathered several children. After selling his shoemaking shop, he opened a yarn store. According to Alexandre Koyre, ‘In 1619 and 1620 we see him in Prague dealing in woolen gloves, which he buys from the peasants of the Lusace region to resell at the market.’ His enemy, Gregor Richter, the leading pastor of Goerlitz, accused him of being a dangerous heretic, and Boehme was persecuted and even jailed for a short time. And a few days after his death, the citizens of Goerlitz shattered and vandalized the cross on his tombstone. But nonetheless Boehme died a quiet death, in his own bed, after a relatively commonplace illness.’

‘The mystery of Boehme is found elsewhere: in his experiences of ‘illumination.’ At the age of twenty-five, he had a revelation that was the basis for all his subsequent work: while gazing at the brightness of a pewter vase, he felt himself suddenly engulfed by an extraordinary flow of information about the hidden nature of things. This data was incomprehensible to him at first, and he waited twelve years to understand what had been ‘given’ to him in that unforgettable moment. In our day, a person undergoing such an experience would immediately found a group of disciples and start giving lectures and writing best sellers. But Boehme waited twelve years, in almost total silence, in order to analyse, decipher, and explain what he had ‘seen’ in that moment of grace. Out of this gestation came the magnificent and unique work, The Aurora.’ (Science, Meaning, & Evolution: The Cosmology of Jacob Boehme by Basarab Nicolescu, 1991)

It is interesting how automatically such experiences of exceptional clarity and flow of information are treated as ‘revelations’, in the theological sense of the word. This seems to be what happened to Boehme, whether it started out as a PCE or as an ASC, is not entirely clear. And it really doesn’t matter much for all that. But when the ‘me’ steps in and claims a Godly ‘grace’ or singles oneself out as being the special recipient of favour by a benevolent God or Goddess, then the process of ‘me’ becoming ‘Me’ is ensured. This seems to be what has happened to people throughout the ages. The question at this point is, since this process must be so subtle, so insidious, and probably universal, what is one to watch out for? In other words, how does one keep from being seduced by the lure of Self, the lure of ‘Enlightenment’?

Thanks for your comments. 16.8.2000

VINEETO: What serendipity. I remember at the beginning of my path to Actual Freedom, PCEs would often occur when I had dug my teeth right into a topic and there was no turning left or right, because all the ‘tried’ had failed and my usual escapes were simply too embarrassing to me. Finding myself between a a rock and hard place with the grim intent to find the solution to my particular puzzle at the time – for instance ‘what about God’, I experienced a suddenly ‘whoosh’ and a veil in my perception opened to reveal the actual world where everything was imminently clear, obvious and self-evident. At other times PCEs would sneak up on me, so to speak, when life was easy and carefree, pleasurable and delightful and I suddenly noticed the magical quality that makes the PCE stand out from feeling excellent. You have described the difference really well in your letter to Richard.

GARY: This is exactly how it has been happening to me: there is some instinct that I am hung up on, I investigate deeply into it, there is a sense of confusion, turmoil, etc, and voila – there it is, a PCE occurs. But, yes, like you said, you really have to dig your teeth into it, investigating it without the usual escapes and diversions. I have not had the ‘sneaking up’ variety of PCE yet – only the hard won type. Another thing you said rings true- ‘it is like a veil in my perception opens to reveal the actual world.’ It occurred to me that, in the past when this has happened to me, the experience has been rather disturbing. I think I have had it before at times, many years ago, but felt perhaps I was having LSD flashbacks (if such things do actually occur), or that I was losing my mind, so the experience has always been accompanied by a kind of fear or uneasiness, like part of me is saying ‘You’re really losing it Gary’. But now I look forward to these PCEs, I do not feel frightened at all.

VINEETO: I found it useful to gather as much descriptive memory from my PCEs to have a touchstone for what my aim is, and I also look for as much information as possible about the various aspects of my ‘self’ while having a PCE. Standing outside the ‘self’ in a PCE, so to speak, lets me see clearly and without doubt what facet of ‘me’ I want to tackle next, what overall understanding about the human condition I can extract, what part of my ‘self’ I am stuck with or how it all works both in me and in humanity as a whole. Most of the stunning insights that happened in my early PCEs about Human Nature and my conditioning have now been forgotten, as all of the realisations and understandings are integrated in my daily life and are experienced as normal as going shopping. All the seemingly complex realisations and understandings about the human psychology and psyche had only one purpose – to get out of it, to leave it behind.

GARY: Yesterday is a case in point. I went through all this stuff related to work. I finally felt that I had come to some peace within myself about it. Yesterday, as I set off for work, I knew I was going to have a perfect day and told myself such. In our supervisor meeting, the staff members were pulling their hair out and grumbling about their resentment towards the administration, and there were numerous put-downs of the ‘higher-ups’.

People were complaining about feeling dis-empowered and there was much discussion about how to make a change in the organization. I sat through this gripe session marvellously unaffected by what was going on – I realized that I do not have the slightest resentment nor negative feelings towards anybody in the organization. I do not belong, nor have any loyalty, to any clique, subgroup, or camp. It seemed to me like the age-old story: people dividing up into separate camps, drawing the battle- lines, and clamouring for their ‘rights’. It was wonderful to realize that I am completely free from any feeling of anger, resentment, pity, sympathy, or any other such feelings in this situation. I did not feel inclined to support any one else, form alliances to combat the evil administration, nor take any sides in the situation. Later, on my lunch hour, I was feeling marvellous. Walking along the street with the cool breezes caressing my face and hair, the bright sunshine streaming down, the veil in my perception opened and I noticed, first, with stunning detail, every minute facet, crevice, and feature in a brick wall. Here I was again in fairy-tale land, seeing the actual. Everything was wonderfully interesting and engaging. I knew and sensed that my hard work had resulted in this handsome reward, and that further there had been the pure intent to have this happen again, though not to make it happen, a crucial distinction. The experience lasted a while, though not as long as the last time. 18.8.2000

PETER: The most amazing thing about the human species is that it is equipped with a brain that is uniquely capable of studying and understanding its own operation. This study is in its infancy in understanding the electro-chemical circuitry but this same capacity makes it possible for you and I to make our own studies of how we have been genetically and socially programmed, compare notes and share our insights and discoveries.

GARY: I am having very nice experiences lately. Last weekend I went hunting in the frozen woods. After sitting there freezing for an hour or so, I got up and was stalking around slowly. I was in a spruce grove, gradually descending a slight hill. The mid-morning sun was shining directly down, gently backlighting all the tree branches. It was lightly snowing and the slight wind was driving the sparse snowflakes hither and thither. I stopped completely and just stood and looked at the flakes, dancing in the air. It was a wonderfully magical moment. A vast freedom opened up for me, a great joy in being alive. I became exquisitely aware of the breaths I was taking, the movement in my limbs, each and every sound in the hushed woods. There is a thrill in the realization that every moment of being alive can be like this ... when ‘I’ am no more.

PETER: But given that this is a brand new process it is essential to be wary of the traps of lapsing back into the old spiritual well-worn patterns. Richard pasted a bit out of my journal recently about period I passed through where the lust for power and Guru-ship instinctually kicked in. As I remember it, it was soon after this that I realized that I was in danger of lapsing into being an experience-junkie as is common with spiritual people. I remember going through months and months wanting an experience that would get me out of here, be a sign, or give me relief from boredom, frustration, fear or whatever other feeling was dominant at the time. Pure consciousness experiences are not ‘mine’ to claim, they serve only to be a guide for what is possible 24 hrs. a day, everyday – upon ‘my’ demise. It is the relentless, incessant work done that brings an end to malice and sorrow, not the chasing of experiences or the experience itself. . PCEs will sneak up on you anyway, and then the important thing is to mine them for information and to remember the experience afterwards. What I would do is take notes during a PCE to aid my memory afterwards when I returned to ‘normal’ afterwards.

GARY: This makes a good deal of sense. ‘I’ want to claim these experiences as ‘mine’, to my greater glory and self-aggrandizement. I have become aware of that starry-eyed, slightly dopey look of the Altered State of Consciousness, you know, that ga-ga expression on the face, when having an excellence experience, that signals that one is off track. I don’t know if describing it this way is accurate. One is then in danger of lapsing into Love Agape and Divine Compassion. I have not tried the technique of taking notes during a PCE. My description of the magical dancing snowflakes experience is the first I have written of this. I shall have to try this in the future and see what happens.

PETER: Most, if not all, people have had PCEs in their life but they become quickly forgotten for, being ‘self’-less experiences, they leave no emotional memory. Others quickly possess the experience as there own as their emotions flood in and the experience becomes one of passionate awe and imaginary Oneness, rather than one of fascinating wonder and sensuous intimacy.

GARY: Hmm ... that’s interesting. I never thought to consider that these PCEs leave no emotional memory, but of course not.

PETER: Some people have had PCEs after lengthy periods of discussion with Richard or by intently reading his words but then they proceed to dismiss the experience and drop their interest in actualism quickly when they find out that they have to do something. To abandon their cherished beliefs and precious pride, turn around 180 degrees and do some bloody hard work in order to experience the 24 hrs. a day living of it.

GARY: Come to think of it, there was a lot of hard work and effort behind the ‘magical dancing snowflakes’ experience. Apparently it doesn’t come any other way. 8.12.2000

GARY: I was stimulated to write because of an experience I had yesterday. I was thinking particularly of what you said in a previous post on Virtual Freedom. I snipped the portion below from that post:

*

Also, from what you say, it appears that there is still a controller (‘you’) when the experience kicks in. Just how does one ‘slip out from control’? I seem to recall Richard writing about ‘letting go of the wheel’ at all costs. Can you do it?

PETER: I don’t see that I have any choice in the matter. To be a bit poetic, the door to Actual freedom has big red letters on the top flashing out ‘Do Not Enter’ and this warning sign is genetically encoded by the ‘self’-survival passions constantly reiterating ‘do not die, survive at all costs’. By a process of weakening these survival passions you get closer and closer to the door and there you find the word ‘Insanity’ written in the middle of it. By a process of understanding and experiencing the insanity of both the spiritual world and the real world, the door marked ‘Insanity’ becomes more inviting and more alluring by the moment. Then it only becomes a matter of abandoning control and stopping resisting this pull – the innate drive to betterment – and a thrilling inevitability sets in.

GARY: It is exciting to be experiencing this ‘thrilling inevitability’. It is an experience of being pulled by the process rather than propelling oneself. I seem to remember someone else on the list, I think Alan, talking about being pulled rather than using ‘self’-propulsion, which in this case would be the desire to be happy and harmless.

Yesterday I felt extremely disconnected from the people around me. It was a curious experience, and I have experienced it before. I just wasn’t ‘open for business’. I had, going back a month or two, been experiencing a lot of fears and some malice and aggression. My feelings of ‘compassion’ and ‘love’ have been kicking in too during this time. I have been investigating these feelings in an ongoing way, and now they seem to have subsided a great deal. I have been having some pretty excellent days and I have been extremely engaged with my life. But yesterday I think I was experiencing this thing that the psychiatrists call ‘derealization’ and I thought of what you said about ‘the door marked ‘Insanity’ becomes more inviting and more alluring by the moment’. I really had the sense, for just a short time, that ‘I’ do not exist – that there is no ‘I’ or ‘me’. Ordinarily, this experience would be quite disturbing and I would rush to do something to stop it and return to ‘reality’ but I have learned from actualism that this experience is really like hitting pay dirt. I had been thinking about that old Rolling Stone’s tune where they sing ‘You’re a hundred light years from home...’ I remember taking LSD at the time this song was a hit, completely blowing my mind and getting very freaked out when I would have this kind of experience, which was an extremely lonely feeling. It was similar to that...only I didn’t feel lonely. The big difference is that I felt ‘at home’. I felt like this is really where I belong. I noted something else too – when the experience of ‘derealization’ came on board was when it was like a film was removed from my eyes and I could see the actual world. You write about this in your Journal. I experience this most strongly with my visual sense – I had a PCE one day and wrote about it while it was happening – what was most prominent was the deep, pulsating, vibrant colours- for instance, I really was grooving on the colours of my blue jeans, but the feel of them too – the texture and the feel of the fabric was most exquisite. Also the sense of touch – I could feel my heart beating, my breath rhythmically pulling in and out, just happening, with no ‘me’ to control it – all of these fantastic things are happening of their own accord in this perfect physical world with no ‘me’ pulling the strings, controlling what is happening. When there is no ‘I’ as soul or ‘me’ as ego, the actual world rises to my sight, but then this is ‘Insane’, isn’t it?

So, anyway, I just thought I would muse a bit ... maybe you will find this interesting. It’s all great fun. 5.1.2001

PETER: Often over the last three years since I wrote my journal I have been challenged with the comment ‘but you are not actually free yet’. Despite the fact that these challenges always came as a put-down from someone who hadn’t a clue what Actual Freedom was anyway, the question was nevertheless valid. Whenever this occurred or any other relevant and valid question arose, I would matter-of-factly re-evaluate what I was saying to check its authenticity and facticity, as well as run a check on own integrity. What I always found was that I could authentically write of the experience of actuality and the actual world from my pure consciousness experiences and that I could write with integrity and expertise about the process of actualism simply by the fact that I actively was doing it and logging up down-to-earth success. Unless both of these factors are present, it is relatively easy to detect someone who is talking the talk rather than walking the walk, as the expression goes.

GARY: I agree with what you are writing here – that one can write with integrity and expertise about Actual Freedom even while one is not actually free ... as long as one is cognizant of the limitation in that one is not actually free as a continuous and on-going experience.

My only frame of reference for understanding Actual Freedom as an ongoing and continuous state are the pure consciousness experiences which, by definition, are transient experiences. But nevertheless, the pure consciousness experiences themselves are so superb, so completely matchless in their purity and clarity, that they form a valid basis for talking about what an Actual Freedom from the Human Condition is and what it is like. Without the clear memory of a pure consciousness experience as a guide, one is essentially running about in circles trying to describe Actual Freedom.

With the memory of this experience(s), one not only knows experientially that it is possible to experience the physical world with a bare sensuousness, bereft of an interfering ‘self’, but one can describe it accurately to others. With the pure consciousness experience as one’s guide, one is essentially standing in two worlds: one has the best that life offers, the PCE, on the one hand as a comparison point, and on the other hand, one is still living by varying degrees in ‘normal’ everyday reality, doing the process of actualism and experiencing the incremental improvements and successes as a result of the practice.

*

PETER: A bit of an aside, but it may be useful to think about, for it strikes at the core of being happy and harmless in the world-as-it-is with people as-they-are. You well know from your own PCE that a ‘self’-less experience is much more than being happy and harmless, but that eliminating all that prevents you from being happy and harmless is the work that ‘you’ have to do in order for ‘self’-immolation to become an inevitability.

GARY: No, it seems to me that a PCE bears no relation to any of the things ‘I’ think I need or want. It is not something that ‘I’ can make happen, at will. Nor is it is something that ‘I’ can control. No, I agree with you that being happy and harmless is not at all about the search for perfection but it is finding perfection here and now in the present moment. It can and does occur in the most mundane situations and at the most unexpected of times.

PETER: Whenever I found myself despairing at the human condition, a quick check revealed that I was on the only sensible path to bring an unequivocal end to human violence and suffering – to bring an end to it in me. I had spent years involved in trying to change others according to my whims and beliefs, supporting this group in its battle with that group, riling against ‘the system’, ‘the leaders’, etc. I had also spent years hiding from the world in various spiritual groups, following various spiritual teachings while dutifully poo-pooing the beliefs of others.

VINEETO: Only when I started to apply the method of actualism could I begin to dare to really acknowledge what was going on in my feeling department, because now I had the tools to investigate and eliminate the cause of my anxiety, my dependency, my sorrow, my anger, my insecurity and my loneliness. Neither suppressing nor expressing my emotions but becoming aware and investigating the cause of the feelings did the trick – it stopped me running away from my bad feelings and stopped me chasing the good feelings. The vividness and a magical splendour of actuality that becomes apparent when both bad and good feelings disappear, is far superior to any ‘feeling good’ that drugs, love, praise or Divine Love can every deliver.

GARY: I used to get a bit confused by actualist’s descriptions of ‘feeling good’, ‘feeling fine’, and ‘feeling excellent’, and tried to differentiate how this contrasted with other feeling and emotional states because after all ‘feelings are feelings’. I still cannot determine if the feeling-good part of the so-called excellence experience or PCE is a feeling or a sensation. My memory of PCEs I have had is that there is certain exhilaration associated with it. Not a manic type high at all, or even a drug-like euphoria, but there certainly is an exhilarating, ever-fresh, yes, vividness is a good word, and there is an exceptional clarity to it all which is the chief difference so far as I am concerned. The PCE is characterized by an incredible clarity of perception and sensation. The most ordinary and mundane objects are fascinating in their own right and everything is imbued with a clarity and liveliness that is missing in the ordinary ‘normal’ state. So the experience itself must be one chiefly of sensuousness and not emotion. Nevertheless one can speak of ‘feeling excellent’ as the word ‘feeling’ can also refer to the faculty of sensation. I’ve probably taken something here and over-complicated it all, but I thought I would mention it. When both bad and good feelings disappear, something so exceptional happens that everything else pales by comparison. The realization that ‘I’ am the only thing standing in the way of this magical perfection and purity turns what is initially an interest into a full-time obsession to experience the best that life on this planet can offer. 25.4.2001

PETER: The whole point of actualism is to be happy and harmless in the world as-it-is – i.e. not to rant and rave about how bad the world is and not to fluctuate between being angry or sad at one’s lot in life. If you want to change your lot then you change it. Similarly the whole point of actualism is to be happy and harmless with people as-they-are – i.e. not to rant and rave about how bad people are and not to fluctuate between being angry or sad at the human condition. If you want to become free of the human condition then you set about irrevocably changing yourself.

GARY: Yes, I think it has never been done before but now it is and I want to be in on it in a front seat. It means the end of ‘me’ and nothing but experiencing the 24hour a day perfection and purity of this physical universe, all while doing what one usually does, whether it be working, driving, tending a garden, going to meetings, whatever. The virtually free state or the PCE is at once an extraordinary and ordinary experience ... I don’t know if you know what I mean about ‘ordinary’. I don’t mean ordinary in the sense of dull or mundane, it is certainly not that. But I mean ordinary in comparison to the ecstatic Altered States of Consciousness. As it is a purely sensory experience, completely devoid of emotional content, it can be part and parcel of one’s ordinary sensory experiencing of life in general. It is something that everyone has experienced before and may be potentially experiencing as soon as they focus their awareness on attention and sensuousness. It is indeed something that is right here and right now.

RESPONDENT No. 27: What seems to be crystallizing for me is an approach where I distinguish between ‘obligation’ and ‘expectation’. I think we’d both agree that the problematic part of ‘relationship’ is with the obligation entailed.

GARY: Personally, I don’t see why we can’t get rid of ‘expectation’ too while we’re at it. I put expectations in the same category as hope, trust, wishes, dreams, anticipations, etc. As an old cohort used to say ‘Having an expectation is about the same thing as having a resentment’, and I tend to agree. I am not saying just do whatever you like. If I have an appointment at work, I don’t sit around ‘expecting’ the person to show up. I tend to go on to the next thing I need to do until they either show up or don’t.

Normal human relationships seem to be filled with ‘expectations’ which greatly complicate the picture.

RESPONDENT No. 46 (P/V): For you and Peter and Richard, is the PCE related to the global mode of perceiving? Or is this distinction definitely no important at all to achieve the goal of AF to be happy and harmless?

GARY: While others may disagree with me, I think either type of perception (global or focused attention) may occur in a PCE. The crucial distinction between a PCE and ordinary sensate experience is that the PCE is characterized by a complete absence of the instinctually driven ‘self’, that rudimentary passionate and emotional sense of being sourced in the amygdala. The PCE is not a matter of either global perception or focused perception, as both may occur as is required by the situation. But perception and experiencing during the PCE is unmediated by the ‘self’ and so is ‘selfless’, a pure, unmediated experience of direct perception. When I have had PCEs, there is a discernible shift in perception when the PCE occurs and everything after that takes on an incredible lustre, vibrancy, and aliveness. What spoils the PCE and causes it to degenerate is when ‘I’ take centre stage again, return to scene as it were and take over the reigns – ‘I’ with my usual cares and woes take over things again and claim the experience as my own. The instinctually driven, care-worn entity has once again returned, causing the pure, unmediated perception of actuality to vanish. I am once again looking at the world around me through ‘my’ eyes, and perception is mediated at once and at all times by my emotional reactions. Focused attention may occur in a PCE – I seem to distinctly recall studying objects during these periods, and so bringing to bear a focused kind of attention, without it dissipating or diluting the experience. 4.10.2002

RESPONDENT No. 27: Just a general report of interest.

After my last post about a few issues I was ‘agonizing’ over – especially ‘family ties’ and the issue of ‘aloneness,’ I had a great sense of relief after investigating my beliefs about belonging to my family of origin – multiple issues arose along with fears of isolation, alienation, etc. After experiencing some insight as to the emotions involved, deciding to drop identification with them, I began to feel a lightness.

That lightness continued to swell until early evening, until while driving home after dinner, I began to really ‘get into’ ‘this present moment.’ As I drove, I watched the trees sway in the wind, until all of a sudden it did actually seem like the ‘trees were swaying in me.’ The most defining part of the experience was that time seemed to slow down – I began to notice each and every detail – virtually effortlessly. There was virtually perfect calm. I did notice some ‘issues’ that I normally ‘struggle’ with, but they didn’t have their normal strength. The ‘strongest’ part of the experience probably lasted only about 15 seconds – it seemed like I had been taken into another world, though it was obviously the same world, but yet it was in sharp detail that I hadn’t completely noticed before. And it did have a benevolence about it. I remember feeling a bit overwhelmed by the wonder of it all, which may be what brought the most intense part to an end – but the calm and ‘presentness’ lasted the rest of the evening and a bit into the morning.

Right now, I’m somewhere in between, as there is obviously more self left to whittle away at. But it is so wonderful to finally get a taste of what a virtual freedom can be – it’s wonder, it’s ‘certainty’ which needs no prop of certainty. It’s obvious to me now that there is no other way for me to live. In the PCE – fulfillment is in every moment.

GARY: Your description of your PCE certainly resonates for me. And it also makes a lot of sense. It all occurs so effortlessly. And, like you, having a PCE has often followed an intense period of investigation and digging into some thorny issues. But it has also been otherwise: when there has been a sudden realization of the amazing wonder of just being here, being alive, and living in the present moment. I remember one PCE experience when I was in the wintry woods hunting and nothing in particular was being investigated. But suddenly there was this magical quality to everything – the snowflakes were doing a little dance on the wind and everything was swaying so lightly.

RESPONDENT No. 27: Yes, that ‘magical quality’ was definitely part of it – and I think that is what makes it stand out as so different than one’s normal experience. Not only are the senses heightened, but there is this additional ‘magical quality’ which seems like it would provide never-ending fascination.

GARY: Another thing that always attracts my attention to these experiences is the pervading deep sense of calm and stillness. It is a stillness so deep it literally stops ‘me’ dead in ‘my’ tracks. You describe it as a ‘virtual perfect calm’. In my period of meditating and yoga I experienced nothing quite like this. It is not a calm brought about artificially through deep breathing, physical isolation, going within, etc. It can come about quite suddenly, but all of a sudden – there it is. It just happens. And it is so complete and in such sharp contrast to the ordinary chatter going on in the head, the usual cares and woes of the self. It really is quite remarkable.

RESPONDENT No. 27: Yes, the stillness seemed to partially fizzle the self. It’s like the stillness is the antidote for the self – or as Richard says ‘sensuousness’ is the antitoxin for indulgences. Also, I find it interesting that you used the descriptive word ‘lightly’ in the above paragraph, and the phrase ‘pervading deep sense of calm and stillness’ in the latter. It is interesting because if I had to pick just a few descriptive words or phrases for my ‘mini-PCE’ or whatever it actually was, I would start with words like ‘soft,’ ‘gentle,’ ‘caressing,’ ‘tender’, etc. These are all words describing an intimacy, yet there was no love present.

PETER: Although I have had numerous PCEs during my years of being a practicing actualist, I always maintain my first PCE as my lodestone or my goal. This PCE still stands out as being the most outstanding and I think this is because its onset was totally unexpected and therefore the contrast between the actual world and the normal human-experienced world of grim reality was startlingly obvious. During this first experience I was not aware that the experience was temporary – it was as if I had been magically transported to another world, one of unbelievable purity, perfection and physical vitality.

GARY: My first PCE was certainly a life-changing event. It came after a period of deliberate and unremitting practice of the Actualism method, none of which would have been possible had it not been for my abandonment of all things spiritual, metaphysical, supernatural, religious, and philosophical.

This was such a sharp break from the past for me that it led inexorably to the triggering of the PCE. And this first PCE most definitely stands out in my mind as sudden, intense, and long-lasting. While prior to this I had read the written descriptions of PCEs and had remembered having these experiences at times in my life, including during childhood, I was looking for something to happen...and it certainly did. When it did happen, the experience constituted evidentiary proof that Actualism method worked and pointed to the possibility that it could lead directly to not only more of these experiences but even eventual extinction of the psyche. I found it interesting recently that a List participant, No 41 (correspondence Richard), likened a PCE to being on LSD. And I had thought the same thing myself. But it is only a similarity, and there are some differences as far as I am concerned. A PCE to me is sometimes like being on a very light dose of LSD – the senses are magnified to an incredible degree, and also the sharpness and clarity remind me of the psychedelic experience. And it is most satisfying to realize that one can have this experience with none of the undesirable side effects of drug taking. The only side effect, if you can call it that, of a PCE that I can see is that it spells the end of ‘me’. And each repeated PCE whets my appetite for more of the same.

PETER: For me, this first time experience is still outstanding because, unlike all of the subsequent experiences, I was naively unaware that the experience was temporary – unaware that it would end. Nowadays the contrast between a PCE and my normal state – being virtually free of malice and sorrow – is nowhere near as great as it was during my first PCE and I have tended to spend a good deal of my PCE times taking the opportunity of exploring the human condition from the outside as it were.

GARY: I have no doubt that because I had been warned in advance of the lure of self-aggrandizing ASCs following in the wake of a PCE, I did not experience such myself. I could easily see how PCEs could lead to ASCs, and because I had had many ASCs, I could experientially discern the difference between these two states. And the difference is huge. But, perhaps unlike yourself, I had the idea in the back of my mind that a PCE would be temporary, and that at some point there would be a return to the usual care-worn, ‘real world’ state. So you might say that this was rather expected, although I can see that it might be better if one places no expectations whatever on the experience.

PETER: The reason I say I take being virtually free from malice and sorrow for granted these days is that it is extremely rare that I am not happy and it is extremely rare that I am of harm to others. Again I use a PCE as my benchmark. I know from these experiences that when a human body has no social/instinctual identity whatsoever ‘inside’ it – no ‘I’ or ‘me’ to rule the roost – then a human body has neither sorrow nor malice, exactly as a tree or cloud is neither sad or angry.

GARY: Well, I think I can see better now why you say ‘taken for granted’. I had wondered before in the past why the first PCE had been so sudden and so ... well, portentous is a word that occurs here. Subsequent experiences, although dazzling, have not been so intense as that first one. And I think you provided the clue in what you wrote this time ... it becomes more and more natural to live without malice and sorrow, and one’s investigations and demolition work usher in a period of increasing ease and comfort in just being alive and being here. Being here is so incredibly simple that it buggers description. The ease in one’s life that results from doing the demolition work can be ‘taken for granted’ in the sense that you use that phrase because the absence of this state becomes more and more rare and unusual than it’s presence.

PETER: In a PCE it is patently obvious that there is neither malice nor sorrow in the actual world – that the actual world is already-always peaceful and perfect, always has been, always will be, is right now. As the actualism process begins to gather its own momentum, one edges closer and closer to living this peacefulness and perfection – not as an ‘I’ feeling sanctimoniously peaceful, but as an on-going understanding that only ‘I’ stand in the way of the ‘self’-less sensual experiencing of the peacefulness and perfection of the actual world. This is why I take being virtually free from malice and sorrow for granted these days.

GARY: In my case, it was well to heed the risk before embarking on the course that would lead to PCEs. Now I find that there are many such periods in the course of a day, and it has become difficult to discern where they start and where they end off. I simply delight in being alive and being here more than ever before, and it is so incredibly simple. It staggers me to reflect how complicated ‘I’ made my life those many years ago. 9.2.2003

GARY: Opinions are beliefs in disguise. Beliefs are intensely held. Beliefs are not the basis of salubrious action. In most political discussions, the participants are driven by their beliefs.

RESPONDENT No. 41: Good point. I’ve spent some time since you pointed this out thinking about what it is that I actually know to be fact as opposed to what I believe to be true. Well, about the only thing I am sure about is that this universe exists, that it is beneficent and eternal, and that there is some sort of awareness of it residing at this place at this moment in this body that is also a piece of the universe. Residing in this body is knowledge about how to function in its given environment, obtaining food, clothing shelter etc. What the body does not have is the ability to gain all the facts concerning most situations. This inability stems from either lack of time, lack of mental capacity, or limited available information.

GARY: It is a delight to be able to differentiate what is factual from what is speculation, belief, opinion, or surmisal. I know personally from PCEs that I have had in the past that there is nothing affective or emotional running during the PCE at all. The PCE only occurs when ‘I’ am in abeyance, albeit temporarily. As ‘I’ as an affective entity am temporarily in abeyance during apperception, only the unmediated, direct experience of actuality is occurring at the time.

The only reason I mention this here is that what you refer to as ‘the ability to gain all the facts concerning most situations’ is usually not necessary at all. When one’s primitive animal instincts are temporarily in abeyance, as in the PCE, one is not concerned with one’s survival as an on-going entity. That is not to say that one takes heedless, foolhardy, or irresponsible actions, just that the instinctual fear that ‘rules the world’ is not calling the shots, so to speak. One is then free to enjoy and delight in the experience of actuality: the delightful and exquisite sensations as offered up by the senses – seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, tasting.

Not only do I not need to gain all the facts concerning most situations, but I make a pleasing discovery about something else: I am not really needed at all. I begin to be redundant for the first time in my life – not needed at all in order to function in the world, not to mention taking intelligent, considered action. With ‘me’ no longer needed, life is simple and easy – there is nothing complicated about it at all. 27.3.2003

RESPONDENT No. 42: There’s not much practical actualism action going on this list right now, hmm? well, I’ve had a few experiences I’ll put out there.

I recently remembered a PCE, which was helpful because before this I could only go on how much practical sense actualism made, and take other’s word for it that this grand experience was possible. Thus I was unable to connect with ‘pure intent’ and unable to have a marker to compare various other experiences by. The distinct quality in the experience for me was not having to look into my surroundings – no piercing awareness of it was necessary, because, as I have heard described before, there was absolutely no distance between what I saw and my eyes. The experience occurred during a boring lecture, in a bland, almost empty lecture-hall, and it all made no difference because all I saw was fascinating. I have no recollection of other sensory experiences, hearing, feeling, and such though, and I do not have a distinct memory of what type of thoughts were occurring, or whether ‘I’ was there. But nevertheless, it was good enough for me.

An item I noticed in practicing the method was how long it’s taken me to get a hold of how the method actually works. I recently heard someone on the list describe the method as incredibly simple, and I do agree the more I find out how it works. My experience is that I interpreted the words and descriptions of the method in as many possible ways as I could without comprehending the simplicity of the method. I came up with all these explanations and method ‘add-ons’ that would help me- it seems all they did was postpone discoveries. For example I would try to tackle entire instincts at a time- either aggression, nurture, desire, or fear. or I would try to tack-on other psychology bits and pieces and such. and try to uproot the conditioning that way. A lot of it was me thinking the method was too simple, and not enough, and that I needed to find my own way through it all.

I recently noticed that sometimes, I have even turned actualism into another layer of my identity – all it did in these cases was keep me from investigating. I would notice a particular problem and before I could go into it I would say ‘I’ve gone over this before, I’m an actualist, and thus it should be gone’ and go on feeling bad about failure, or ignore the feeling, or whatever traditional escape I came up with.

However, I don’t that if I had just stuck to the words in the presentation of the method from the very beginning if it would have helped. The words apparently just did not click with practicality as they do now – but I needed the experiences of taking the method the wrong way, and the ensuing frustration, to understand bit by bit what the method was about. It requires that I be able to experientially know what the words are talking about, and as they made sense at the first read, I didn’t ‘understand’ them in this necessary sense.

Just recently I have been able to identify what was going on in with my identity and then I saw the particular bit of social conditioning around the issue and was able to say ‘that is ridiculous’. before I could examine the whole thing, but was unable to let go of it, for whatever reason.

It all ends up being remarkably similar to how it is described on the website on Peter’s ‘advance guide.’ I suppose I should have expected that from the beginning though... 14.9.2003

RESPONDENT No. 50 to Richard: In the ASC I could only gape in (psychological) wordless wonder at vast, empty (psychological) space. Asleep, there was only vast empty (psychological) space – no dreams. Awake, my attention was riveted to the vast empty (psychological) space in my head. I could think and function but I was awestruck (very impressed with – hint, hint) by the vast empty space. But a vast empty psychological space is still psychological space (a self) and still creates a feeling/distance barrier.

In the PCEs this emotion/feeling distance barrier (the self) dissolved and affected the way I (physically) experienced time, space and objects. In the PCEs the security or confidence instilled by (physical) location in eternal time and infinite space is unmistakable. Everything exists in an absolute stillness and deep purity. Visually, the contrast of light and dark is heightened, colours are richer. Hearing is unrestricted, sounds are welcome. I could feel the nubbly fabric of the chair on my skin and I remember thinking I was in forbidden territory, that I was breaking a big taboo because everything was so easy and o.k. So those are the differences as I experienced them.

*

As for the kind of impression left by a PCE – yes it is enormous. When the invisible boundary drops away, everything looks bigger and closer and the world is deeply pure in all infinite directions and the unshakeable stillness of it always having been, always being, and always going to be here and now makes me immediately, wonderfully and finally (as in for all time), Home Free.

*

You asked me to elaborate on the ambience of ‘Home Free’ in a PCE. Well, even though it reads sequentially this is not in any order. I notice the disappearance of some invisible barrier, which makes everything seamless, no dirty distance between me and everything else. I notice that load off the nervous system we talked about which has to do with feeling pressured for time somehow, as being the weight and force of believing I am responsible, of being charged with knowing how it is supposed to happen and making it happen. But with that gone I feel so here, so relaxed and aware. Time is one big, long eternal moment of stillness. All the time in the universe is available for me to operate in.

There is a purity penetrating everything and the very air in the room looks clearer and purer. And without me knowing what is supposed to happen, I do not know what is going to happen so in about two seconds life has turned into such a gas! All of a sudden life is physical ease in a huge, magic, endless wonderland that is, pure, still and miraculously my home. And I am off the hook. I don’t ‘have’ to do anything so my activity, or just sitting there, is playful. Whatever I do and wherever I go is or would be agreeable. I don’t have to ‘work’. 10.10.2003

RESPONDENT No. 27: Anyway, my point is basically this – there is no point in trying to argue one way or the other (on this list) based upon evidence that doesn’t take the PCE into account – since what is actually in question is what the PCE supposedly reveals.

RESPONDENT No. 56: There is no point in arguing one way or the other. The universe will be what it is and we will always have questions about it. Maybe a PCE will put all questions aside but I think it’s important to know that Richard comes to conclusions that are very different to mainstream science and that Richard’s scientific expertise is lacking.

RESPONDENT No. 27: Yes, his statements are very different from mainstream science. He is a layperson, but he is not ignorant of science at all and how it works. He never claimed to be a scientist – and doesn’t need to so far as I can tell – to state his case.

*

RESPONDENT No. 27: So, I suppose it boils down to whether one wants to experience whatever the evidence of the PCE is for oneself. As I see it, your only viable moves at this point are:

1. Dismiss the PCE and agree with the majority of scientists, but know that you won’t convince Richard or those willing to take into account the PCE.
2. Suspend judgement and pursue the PCE yourself.
3. Suspend judgement and forget about actualism.

For now anyway, I’ll take #2.

RESPONDENT No. 56: I take note of No. 60’s option (4): Experience one or more PCEs and still be unconvinced that experiencing the absence of conceptual/ emotional/ psychic boundaries is equivalent to directly experiencing the infinite extent and duration of the actual universe.

RESPONDENT No. 27: In light of the fact that No. 60 has only had a few run-ins with what may turn out later to not have been PCEs at all, and that Richard says he has lived the PCE for the past some 12 years or so – it’s surprising to me that in this case anyway, you are taking the neophyte’s word for it over the expert. I’m not suggesting you take Richard’s word for it – only pointing out that you may be missing something by ‘accepting’ someone’s judgment which may be fallible. If you were to go with the ‘majority’ in this case – Richard, Peter, and Vineeto would win hands down 3 to 1 – or if you want to count up their years of experience with PCEs 20 to 1 or so. Only answer to this I can see personally is to throw out trust and faith – period. 30.1.2004

RESPONDENT No. 30: A PCE indeed. Walked out of the IMAX 3D theatre showing the space station project (What power the rocket has when it propels itself into the space!!!! Great is the human invention!) and our fellow human beings assembling the space station chatting with us in the space just above us… 250 miles I believe… could see Africa… or was it North America? And with the absolute clarity of the IMAX 3D picture, I was wondering… why isn’t that when I walk out of the theatre the life is not like this? What is different? Apart from the picture quality and some technical enhancements that make this quality possible, is there anything in ‘me’ that disallows me to enjoy my everyday life like in a IMAX 3D? After all, the IMAX picture is not a fantasy… it is a recording of this universe.

Then I saw the thin layer of ‘me’ reluctant to go away… Yes all is perfect when I walked out… the orange sky with jet planes leaving a trail… the glass windows of multi-storied buildings partially lit to reveal the interior decor… the city traffic buzzing in wide road with broad sidewalks…. Human beings smiling with their eyes… the diminishing dusk light that contains the story of the darkness to fill soon…Wonderful architectural beauty all around… but… But…. To admit this perfection fully is to end ‘me’…. the ‘me’ wants to partake this yet causing the spoil at the same time. ‘me’ is dirty indeed made of glum spoiling the perfection by its very existence. The ‘me’ has to donate itself to this perfection. The donation is made by seeing the superior quality… perfection is the word… and magnificent is the physical world. Seeing that no amount of ‘me’’ can ever produce such quality, never can simulate the already existing wonder, ‘me’ quits the scene. Judi is right in saying that ‘me’ can never get here (if she means the physical world sans affect by ‘here’), but this is not an intellectual understanding… truly there is resistance from ‘me’ to admit this… ‘me’ is designed instinctually and evolutionarily and through social conditioning to exist and cover up (overlay) the now. It is an illusion but at the same time work needs to be done by this illusory me. It is extremely paradoxical… but a simple neurological understanding solves the paradox created by the conceptual/passionate thinking. The real world is like the ‘Matrix’ (the movie) and one has to find the exit in the real world according to the laws of the real world (though the real world is an illusion).

Well this is my line of thought. And let me take a stroll into this world of things, events and people. 19.2.2004

RESPONDENT No. 60: [In a PCE] there is an increase in sensory clarity, especially visual acuity. Along with this increase in clarity there is a ‘purity’ in everything one perceives. The words ‘immaculate’, ‘perfect’, ‘pure’ capture it quite well; everything is wonderful. Strangely, though, the word ‘beautiful’ does not apply. There is no (felt) affect whatsoever. The purity of perception (and the marvellousness of what is perceived) goes beyond affect, leaving only pure, calm wonder. It’s sensory delight without any emotional resonance at all.

The sensory delight I’m talking about is not the usual kind of sensuousness/ sensuality that one enjoys in an ordinary state. Rather than being ‘pleasurable’, it is appreciation of the perfection that seems to be inherent in what one is perceiving, which leads to enjoyment of a very different kind. This is quite extraordinary. There is a sensation of softness in the air, which has a pellucid, jelly-like quality (metaphorically speaking).

I’m reminded of something you once wrote about the eyes ‘lightly caressing’, as if one is seeing from the front of the eyeball. I also remember you saying ‘nothing dirty can get in’, and that’s exactly the way it is. Objects that would seem drab, dirty, sullied, soiled in ‘reality’ are immaculate in themselves; any ‘dirtiness’ is overlaid by ‘me’. 15.7.2004

RESPONDENT No. 25: I remember when the bubble burst and a few seconds before the full-blown ASC, that there was no distance between an ‘educated’, ‘rich’, ‘young’, ‘athletic’ and ‘interesting’ me and a ‘humble’, ‘poor’, ‘aged’, ‘fat’ and ‘boring’ countryside neighbour... the people and things suddenly were perfect as they were and very interesting and life a very engaging experience to live no matter who/what. As there was no distance and everything was perfect as it was, consequently there was no place for God to fit in the scheme. It’s called an experience of intimacy as the usual distance and background fear we always experience in regards to the world suddenly vanish. If Richard is living this experience 24 h/day, well, he lives on another planet altogether.

This experience is in contrast to the ASC where there’s seemingly no distance between the observer and the observed, but in the sense that ‘I’ am the observed, the subject and the object of experience become one. This happens when ‘I’ pollute the experience of consciousness with my residual presence and thus ‘I’ wrongly experience myself as being consciousness, resulting in the inability to differentiate between myself and what I am conscious of: ‘I am the world and the World is Me’ (aka God). Because of that, spirituality invariably leads one towards solipsism. In order to bypass this, the self needs to disintegrate in its totality.... any remnants, and the possibility remains open for the contamination of consciousness (I equate the freed consciousness with ‘my’ presence). There can never be a ‘pure’ experience of consciousness while any fragments of ‘me’ are still in existence. 10.5.2005

RESPONDENT No. 81: the tag-team days of nurture and desire are quickly ending. Yay! I thought I would write these things here so that others might benefit from them; I’m sure others who come on here have had similar experiences to mine. My focus is shifting more to dealing with death and my persistent belief that something endures after physical death.

Obviously, the root is fear, and what a fear it is!

Oh, just on another note concerning PCEs, I was wondering if someone might describe the identity and the affective faculties as also being the separative faculty. What I mean by this is that the few very brief PCEs I’ve had (they usually last only a few seconds, perhaps 5 or 10 at the most), I feel like a fog clears up and I can seriously SEE for the first time (the visual acuity is what improves the most). The point is that it seems as though the barrier between ‘me’ and everything else is removed, at least in terms of this ‘fog’ that I keep experiencing. The second time it happened, I seriously felt like I was seeing everything in my house for the first time. All I could say was, ‘Woah.’ Then the self bubbled back into action because intensity of the experience frightened me.

At least I know that experience is there and that we’re not all delusional. On to peace, happiness, and harmlessness, baby! 12.5.2005

RESPONDENT No. 74: I finally did remember a few PCEs, the first one being the day I came into contact with the AF website, I went to the roof of my house, there was an amazing lightness in my body, I was almost bursting with joy and the world was a joy to behold, every bird every tree and even people walking on the street were perfection.

It was after four years of studiously trying to achieve the state of samadhi (I had glimpses of peace and bliss after hours of meditation) and it was as if a sudden freedom had dawned.

Another one was when I was on a spiritual retreat with John de Ruiter in Edmonton, Canada. I went to the rail track near the retreat camp and I can remember the same quality of joy and perfection and carefree-ness without there being even a whiff of love and compassion for others.

I was benevolence in action, and even if I tried my very best, I could not have nursed malice towards anyone at that moment. All was forgiven and all was past. The moment was startling in its tangibility and aliveness. 2.8.2005

RESPONDENT No. 98: Richard on a past post told someone he had been wrong about PCE’s being necessary.

RESPONDENT No. 30: Richard: You are, presumably, referring to this:

• [Co-Respondent]: ‘(...) I am still struggling with some of the stuff, as I don’t clearly recall a PCE; but I am getting the feeling of well-being which is so good – which is a direct result of having freed myself from a lot of insidious emotions – the freeing of which allows me to enjoy this moment; I think I have reached a point of no-reversal in the sense that my doubts are not powerful enough now to negate my progress and experiential as well as intellectual understanding I have made of the actualism. (...).

• [Richard]: ‘Feedback such as this [snipped to its essentials for brevity] is much appreciated ... especially in view of the following (the very last words we exchanged 16 months ago):

• [Respondent]: ‘Where I am coming from is a ‘PCE’ less investigation – till I have a or/or know that I have one/or understand what it is ... still working on the ‘prima facie’ case :)
• [Richard]: ‘Okay ... I am interested to see how much you can comprehend of what is on offer on The Actual Freedom Web Page without recalling and/or having a PCE as an actual freedom from the human condition is unimaginable, inconceivable and unbelievable. It has to be lived to be known as an actuality’. [endquote]. I have always maintained that a pure consciousness experience (PCE) – or the recollection of such a moment of perfection – is essential in comprehending and putting into practice what is on offer on The Actual Freedom Trust web site ... and I am so pleased to see that this may not necessarily be the case’. Richard, The Actual Freedom Trust mailing list, No 30, 16.10.2003

Given that the correspondent was me, and seeing what I have achieved since that correspondence: I would like to say that without PCE it might be very well difficult... as I have not particularly succeeded. Naiveté, commitment to the goal of being happy and harmless was not there in me... this maybe even required for a simple understanding of what is being talked about... and to actually try to remember a PCE or induce one... without all this, without the touchstone of PCE, without the innumerable clues from Richard’s (and Peter’s and Vineeto’s and other actualist’s) writings... I wonder if anything substantial can be achieved.

I would like to commit myself to actualism... to the goal of being happy and harmless, through sincerely applying moment to moment awareness to my experience, by being simple and naive. I have had a few experiences off late... which enable me to see that what Richard talks about might be indeed possible. 25.8.2005

RESPONDENT No. 108: Last week, I had my first PCE after starting to read this website.

I had been playing with a friend’s niece and nephew all afternoon and evening, when all of a sudden, while sitting in the sitting room with them at night, something ‘popped’ and I could hear and see and feel and just generally perceive with amazing clarity. My friend’s nephew was speaking to me, and mid-sentence, I wasn’t only listening to just the words he was saying, but could hear the tones and timbres in his voice and the slight echo it had from all around the room. I saw the shadows on the wall cast by the lighting, and the colours and shades were so vibrant and bright, not bright in a ‘more lighting’ way, but in a ‘more clear’ way. My skin felt so ‘close’ and immediate, and I noticed the way it felt (rather than just feeling it as a weight). And where before I was feeling happy and light-hearted, I no longer felt that – I didn’t feel whatsoever!

‘Empty-hearted’ might be the best way to put it. There was no separation between a ‘me’ that could feel and anything else, and in this was such a purity, for lack of better word. Being alive felt so real. I was also aware of this happening and recognised what it was, and it was funny. I described the experience as it was happening to the kids (‘wow I can really hear you, before I wasn’t really listening somehow’ and ‘wow everything looks so amazing, it’s all right here’) and they thought it was pretty funny too but that I was being awful weird.

I’d had PCE’s in the past, spontaneous ones brought about by drug use, meditation, sometimes just everyday circumstances, but there were also too many ASC’s that blocked a clear recollection. Every time I tried to think about a PCE, I would just have too many affective responses and it wouldn’t get anywhere. This was the first out and out clear PCE.

I really understand now why the felicitous feelings are to be maximised. In the past, before reading the actual freedom site, I had felt frustrated because I thought anything within the realm of a self would just be a lame imitation of the pure experience and that wouldn’t help anything.

And even after reading the site I had doubts but thought it was worth doing anyway because it did sound right, and I had nothing to lose. But now I really know that the felicitous feelings are worthwhile in and of themselves, and now I also see how, while only being an imitation, they are related to and really do lead to the PCE. 30.1.2006

RESPONDENT No 123: How does a body/brain even know of such an event?

RESPONDENT No 108: Because the body/brain doesn’t not function when the affective identity is functioning. Thought, cognitive memory, locomotion, etc, all that stuff that bodies and brains do.

RESPONDENT No 123: I still don’t understand how the body/brain experiences or knows when the ‘affective identity’ is functioning or how the body/brain is effected by the ‘affective identity’ since the body/brain only experiences ‘actual’ things/events.

RESPONDENT No 108: I don’t really know how that works I guess, or how to explain it. I can just report that in a PCE, I was fully cognizant of how previously ‘I’ (the passional instincts) had been running the show and simultaneously how the body/brain had been there all along, and how ‘I’ previously running the show hadn’t stop the body/brain from being there (and being cognizant), and how the body/brain being there and being cognizant hadn’t stopped ‘I’ from previously running the show. 30.8.2006

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