RESPONDENT No. 59: I had no idea the influence actualism would turn out to have on me, but I knew I would have to start from scrap, so what I read hit me like a ton of bricks. And so once again I was back with my fear of public places, although it had somehow lost intensity along the way (maybe because while practicing Dianetics, or being spiritual, I had interacted with a lot of people and in different places)… but this time most of my fears did not disappear as fast as when I had adopted different beliefs; instead of neglecting this time I was actually looking at/into and being fear (and not in the romantic Krishnamurtian way).

That’s why actualism was so hard for me to begin with, especially the first couple of months … I would even try to make it into a belief system, but this never lasted, and so it seemed that actualism was worsening my condition instead of making me free of it.

Most of the things I read sounded very true, however, this would not make me feel any better … I tried the first months applying as much of actualism as I could ... but it wouldn’t seem to work. I would then read more and more carefully, and try to apply it again, but still I could not make anything radically new happen.

Until it finally ‘clicked’ that I was not really applying actualism, to be happy and harmless, but rather applying what I felt, or wanted, actualism to be (what it seemed to be) and this had nothing to do with actualism.

I wanted a quick relief, like with my previous getaway beliefs, and I did not want to work for it nor did I want to be subjective about it … because it hurts. I know for a fact now that becoming free of the human condition does not occur by just reading what others have to say, then wishing for it to be true, and then feeding off this faith; or thinking that some energy will eventuate because of the knowledge I accumulate. It really has been, and sometimes still is, very hard work, and very personal … but it is paying off. <snip>

RESPONDENT No. 44: Now can you tell me please in actualism, when you make the question, ‘How I experience this moment of being alive?’

RESPONDENT No. 59: It seems a little tricky at first, doesn’t it? I am still relatively new to actualism, so read what I write with a critical eye, but I will gladly share my experience so far. I started asking myself that question without any results whatsoever; I mean, I always felt sad/angry/bored/desperate/reasonably happy, and I knew the reason for it too, but then what? I would get frustrated! Then I would ask the question while being frustrated and see the reason for that also…it was because I asked this question without any result that I got frustrated.

And then I would get really mad! So on and so forth… One day I found out that my intention while asking HAIETMOBA was of the attitude ‘I am going to ask this stupid question, again and again, until I can prove to myself that it doesn’t work’ (I was very sceptical at times because of past experiences). After realizing how silly this was I changed from having a negative intention to having no intention at all.

Meaning that I would just ask the question… and so I would just get an answer.

It was not until I understood the importance of asking the question with a definite intent that I began to progress. And this intent has become increasingly less self-centred as the days go by…thus I feel closer to what actualists call ‘pure intent’ than I ever have; I am regaining my naiveté and at the same time, as soon as I ask the question, I feel excitement…I feel more here, more now, and it is so much easier to live this way. Finally, truly experiencing with what feeling I am experiencing this moment of being alive; and if it’s not a good feeling, why do I prefer it to happiness? All I have left to say is that the question is just as important as the reason for asking it.

If I made any blunders I am sure someone with more experience will clear them up. 4.6.2003

RESPONDENT No. 27: I’ve noticed that one of the main difficulties in getting the actualist method ‘off the ground’ for me is distinguishing between sensuous consciousness and self consciousness. Much of practicing the ‘How am I experiencing...’ question has been noticing how I feel and then a commentary of ‘yeah, more of that’ or ‘no, I don’t want that.’ Then there are fears and hopes and beliefs that put one on a roller coaster ride if one gets involved or ‘swept away.’

GARY: While you mention difficulty differentiating between sensuousness and the affective feelings, I am not sure what the precise difficulty is. It might help if you could mention more about what is difficult. While you stated that the differentiation is difficult, you then stated that you have been noticing how you feel. It makes me wonder if you only sometimes notice how you feel while at other times you are not noticing it – and the same thing with sensory perception.

It helped me quite a bit to read Richard’s article ‘Attentiveness and Sensuousness and Apperceptiveness’. As the article indicates, it all becomes clearer as one goes along. It seems like since I read the article, I was a lot clearer on not only terminology, but the vast difference between clean perception from the senses, the affective feelings, and thoughts. The other thing you mention is the ‘swept away’ experience, and I have certainly experienced this myself. But I find that the frequency with which this happens is much diminished. I also find that feelings and thoughts arise in the heart/head, but then I do not feed into these to the extent that I used to – they are ‘nipped in the bud’. It has so happened that I do not allow my feelings to be the arbiter of my actions and conduct, nor do they influence my decisions as much as they used to. I guess what I am saying is that your ‘fears, hopes, and beliefs’ do not have to put you on a roller coaster ride.

The thing that is critical is to practice unrelenting attentiveness, moment by moment. This actually gets easier to do with time. Another thing I will mention in this regard is something that Peter advised me to do quite a long time ago: look to your incremental successes in the use of the method, record these, and pull them out to remind yourself from time to time. Affective feelings seem to have a kind of inertia, so that if you can avoid getting caught in a tail-spin in the early phases of experiencing particular emotion or passion, it is easier to prevent it from snow-balling than pulling yourself out of a full-blown tailspin later. At least, that has been my experience.

RESPONDENT No. 27: One of the problems I’ve had so far practicing this method is enhancing the negative and pushing away the positive. This is exactly the opposite of what ‘normal’ human beings do – but it’s only a trap that an actualist can fall into.

GARY: I need a little clarification here. Are you deliberately ‘enhancing the negative’ or do you find that this is a by-product of what you are doing?

RESPONDENT No. 27: For example, ‘I’ feel love or affection – I pay attention to that feeling and don’t express it – then I feel bad for having the feeling – ‘I should be further along’ – ‘I’m not doing this right’ etc. Or I feel resentment or anger and I want to go further into those negative feelings, so I allow them to come to the surface and explore them more – then wonder ‘why aren’t I happy yet?’ or ‘maybe I just need to go through the fear – so I’ll enhance it and maybe it will go away.’

GARY: I find myself wondering whether you are really getting to the taste of the instinctual passions. The flavour I am getting from your comments here are that there are a lot of ‘shoulds’ and shouldn’ts’ going on on a thought level that are probably a reflection of a suppression process going on. I certainly can relate to having my doubts about the method along the way or wondering am doing it the ‘right way’, even to the extent of ‘what’s the matter with me?’ type questions. But what I have found is that once the taste of the instinctual passions comes, they are so intense, so sudden, and so clear that there is literally no avoiding them or stepping out of the way. This is not at all a conscious process of enhancing the negative feelings. What I am describing comes as a result of first stripping away the layers of beliefs and demolishing one’s social identity. This then leaves the primitive instinctual passions undiluted by societal values, judgements, and morals. One needs to literally sit in these feelings, neither expressing nor suppressing the feelings. The repeated experience of having this happen weakens the psyche – the alien identity that lives it’s parasitic existence in this flesh-and-blood body, and eventually creates the momentum that leads to self-immolation. At least that is the way I presently understand it.

RESPONDENT No. 27: The point that I’ve come to realize is that all this is merely a trap. It is merely self-consciousness played in reverse.

GARY: However, realizations can also be a trap – just make sure you don’t get trapped in a trap.

RESPONDENT No. 27: I’ve also experienced sensuous consciousness – and it seems to me now that one needs to carefully learn the difference between the two – experientially – and in practice.

GARY: If you have strayed the ‘wide and wondrous path’ it doesn’t sound like you have done so to any greater or lesser degree than anyone else. I consider myself to be a die-hard Actualist. I’ve never wanted to go back or even seriously considered returning from whence I came, not that it would be possible anyway. It is such a fascinating process – there are thrills and chills every step of way, to be sure, ... the roller coaster calms down eventually. 14.6.2003

RESPONDENT No. 42: There’s not much practical actualism action going on this list right now, hmm? well, I’ve had a few experiences I’ll put out there.

I recently remembered a PCE, which was helpful because before this I could only go on how much practical sense actualism made, and take other’s word for it that this grand experience was possible. Thus I was unable to connect with ‘pure intent’ and unable to have a marker to compare various other experiences by. The distinct quality in the experience for me was not having to look into my surroundings – no piercing awareness of it was necessary, because, as I have heard described before, there was absolutely no distance between what I saw and my eyes. The experience occurred during a boring lecture, in a bland, almost empty lecture-hall, and it all made no difference because all I saw was fascinating. I have no recollection of other sensory experiences, hearing, feeling, and such though, and I do not have a distinct memory of what type of thoughts were occurring, or whether ‘I’ was there. But nevertheless, it was good enough for me.

An item I noticed in practicing the method was how long it’s taken me to get a hold of how the method actually works. I recently heard someone on the list describe the method as incredibly simple, and I do agree the more I find out how it works. My experience is that I interpreted the words and descriptions of the method in as many possible ways as I could without comprehending the simplicity of the method. I came up with all these explanations and method ‘add-ons’ that would help me- it seems all they did was postpone discoveries. For example I would try to tackle entire instincts at a time- either aggression, nurture, desire, or fear. or I would try to tack-on other psychology bits and pieces and such. and try to uproot the conditioning that way. A lot of it was me thinking the method was too simple, and not enough, and that I needed to find my own way through it all.

I recently noticed that sometimes, I have even turned actualism into another layer of my identity – all it did in these cases was keep me from investigating. I would notice a particular problem and before I could go into it I would say ‘I’ve gone over this before, I’m an actualist, and thus it should be gone’ and go on feeling bad about failure, or ignore the feeling, or whatever traditional escape I came up with.

However, I don’t that if I had just stuck to the words in the presentation of the method from the very beginning if it would have helped. The words apparently just did not click with practicality as they do now – but I needed the experiences of taking the method the wrong way, and the ensuing frustration, to understand bit by bit what the method was about. It requires that I be able to experientially know what the words are talking about, and as they made sense at the first read, I didn’t ‘understand’ them in this necessary sense.

Just recently I have been able to identify what was going on in with my identity and then I saw the particular bit of social conditioning around the issue and was able to say ‘that is ridiculous’. before I could examine the whole thing, but was unable to let go of it, for whatever reason.

It all ends up being remarkably similar to how it is described on the website on Peter’s ‘advance guide.’ I suppose I should have expected that from the beginning though... 14.9.2003

RESPONDENT No. 50: If you are asking how to INDUCE a PCE, how to HAVE a PCE, I would tell you to be happy, harmless and use HAIETMOBA? If you are not happy, ask yourself why not. Use your memory to find out what has very recently happened that made you feel less than happy and harmless. If you absolutely cannot pinpoint anything that caused the change, ask Vineeto or Peter or Richard what to do.

RESPONDENT No. 30: This was really, really difficult part for me. It has taken me a lot of time to figure out this simple step. Yes it is very simple now... but it wasn’t so simple before because of many factors, some of which I list below:

1. Dissociation: when something went wrong, I unknowingly used to distance myself from the feeling and say ‘It is fear... how does it feel, how would I describe’; though I was sincere and really wanted to get an understanding of the experience (and possibly solve it to become happy & harmless again), the dissociation or viewing it as separate from me wasn’t conducive to investigation (it was confusing and I was lost in the labyrinth and forgot my purpose often). Keep it simple advice (from Peter I think) worked for me.

2. Beliefs that come in the way of investigation: Hidden in me were beliefs that it can’t be done, it can’t be this simple, how can you find the exact trigger amongst the myriad of fast moving processes – these prevented me in conducting the investigation sincerely and consistently.

3. Objections & Doubts: suddenly all the progress would be negated by an insurmountable doubt; I would say Richard is right mostly, but he is wrong in some stuff or I would ‘feel’ that the whole thing is meaningless. This would consume me so much that it was quite difficult to notice this early, nip it in the bud and get back to feeling happy & harmless.

4. Finding wrong answers and the defeatist argument: As though I really didn’t want the method to work, half-mindedly, I would find out some cause and not fully convinced would prove myself that it is all not possible.

Keep it ambiguous... but after I got some hang of the method, I found that digging deeper found the trigger and once I found it, I know it! takes some patience and perseverance and the confidence born out of successes (yes, not ‘faith’ or ‘belief’, but the ‘success’ – I know the difference now because I have done both!). 22.10.2003

RESPONDENT No. 4: I have read some of your recent mails with interest. What interests me that you have not remembered any PCE but you are still able to use the actualism method successfully. I find that most of the time when I ask the question ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive’, I get the answer as happy and I don’t know what to do next. As I understand from some other correspondence that I should raise the bar to feeling excellent. But I don’t know what does feeling excellent mean. I never had a PCE, so I can’t treat that as the next level. So looks like I am stuck here.

RESPONDENT No. 30: Yesterday I resolved a major anxiety that arose whenever I tried to sort things out i.e. clearly identify the feelings and see the context. This has been a major hurdle and I think that this is a major breakthrough (this could be one of ‘my’ tricks to save myself). So, as it is, though I enjoy being here most of the time – I still have some major hiccups to be taken care of and the progress is only recent. I would term my experience as ‘feeling good’ – just to be tentative.

I have had some experiences of late that are purely sensate and I am still wondering how to classify these experiences: they are sensate delight, I saw the fall colours and the thin space in the three dimensional purview, the affect was mostly absent (however it came back albeit very powerlessly when I tried to sort out what was going on), carefree, worriless, most of the stuff I read in the web-site seems obvious, and when I asked if this is what I wanted – the answer was not exactly that this is my destiny but it will be great to have this (I suspect that there might have been still a thin veneer of the affect; next time I will try to find out more).

In other words, I still have some work to do before I come to raising the bar issue you have.

Having said that, addressing your question: if you get the answer as happy, then you have the moment to be enjoyed – there are plenty of things you can do to enjoy the moment – including contemplation. When you say ‘I don’t know what to do next’ – I suspect that there might be some thin negative feeling hidden there (I am only going by my experience, I can be totally wrong when trying to apply to you).

Have you read about ‘stark reality’ ( ../actualism/peter/selected-writings/fear.htm is one instance) ? It is one of the powerful tricks ‘I’ have up my sleeve to save ‘myself’ from extinction. Or something I have read from Vineeto/Alan’s writings about how they found that fear underlying their answer of ‘no feeling’ (of course you are saying that ‘you are happy’ so this case is slightly different, but see if this helps to dig deeper, I can’t get the link in the site).

In addition, can I ask you if say, in the past 3 months, how much of the time you were feeling happy and harmless? that would be a good measure. If the answer is 24/7, I would go about to finding ways to induce PCEs (some tips as to doing that are in the web-site; also tips on inducing delight etc.). Because all this is fun!

RESPONDENT No. 4: Having said that I must admit that actualism (even just understood intellectually) has made life much simpler and burden free and I am enjoying life in any case.

RESPONDENT No. 30: You mean to say that you haven’t put it to practice in eradicating any of the deterrents (beliefs and feelings) to happiness and harmlessness? Intellectual understanding helped me undo a bit of my spiritual heritage but not until I put it into practice (I used tips such as memory of feeling good, will, obsession to overcome some massive hurdles) and reaped the benefits – real change started happening. But of course, your case seems to be different (as you had said in previous mails that you were reasonably happy and harmless – which wasn’t the case for me at all; funnily the ‘self-image’ I had of myself, say 18 months ago when I came to the list, was totally wrong as it was a product of so many denials and only after digging deep I could see all the stuff I was denying).

See if this makes sense... anyways, nice to mail-converse with you as this made me think about the next stage :). 7.11.2003

RESPONDENT No. 38: I’ve asked a few times how to investigate the right way. Now I would like to ask, how can you tell that someone is doing the investigating incorrectly?

RESPONDENT No. 30: This is how I handled similar questions in my own experience – I have known that I have been investigating ‘incorrectly’ retrospectively a lot of the times... but I have come to senses seeing how a feeling operates repetitively – how it operates locally blocking the sensible questioning – how it strengthens beliefs that block investigation – how it really doesn’t want to end in spite of its painful reality – how it is hypocritical in the sense that whilst projecting as if it wants happiness, how it wants/works for the opposite etc.

RESPONDENT No. 38: How could a person be investigating incorrectly when they hit a seemingly unsurpassable wall during their questioning and cannot trigger happiness?

RESPONDENT No. 30: I asked myself: what is the feeling behind the question?

If I think about a hypothetical situation and fear it so badly, I look at the fear behind it and see how fear works in clinging to anything and doesn’t let it go – in spite of the thinking and common sense one tries to inject – making it a big issue whilst growing in intensity and wandering without giving a focus... I ask myself how many times have I done this before... I try to see how similar feelings have paralyzed me in the past... I try to see if it has any obvious bearing on how I grew up... I ask myself if I am truly interested in solving the impasse or I just create impasses for ‘my’ survival – as in continuing to the feel that way forever instead of solving the problem and moving on to feel happy & harmless?

Such questioning has helped me in dissolving these imaginary walls... as with operation of common sense and attentiveness, I have seen such feelings weakening and letting more of common sense and attentiveness to work... as if building a positive feedback cycle… more and more energy becoming available for sane functioning and having fun. 6.12.2003

RESPONDENT No. 30: What a relief not be doing so – having a clear intent to be happy and harmless, it is now possible to live without controlling oneself – I am not talking about expressing, but about ‘not repressing/ suppressing’.

PETER: I remember having had a similar feeling myself and it was a very palpable sense of freedom. This is how I described it soon after –

[Peter]: ... ‘I knew that the trouble lay in my spiritual identity – that bundle of beliefs that I was born with, and that was passed on to me by other equally malicious and sorrowful members of the tribe. Handed on well-meaningly of course, but this passing-on is just a perpetuation of the ancient and primitive ways. Realising this, I was able to firmly identify this entity as not me, but an intruder. I always tried to avoid Richard’s astute comment that ‘a mature adult is really lost, lonely, frightened and very, very cunning’. But once I could identify the source of all the trouble, this ‘mature adult’ entity inside me, I knew it would only be a matter of time before it eventually disappeared. I had the ‘bugger by the throat’ was how I put it at the time. It became a process of re-wiring my brain – untangling the beliefs to replace the crazed and muddled circuitry with facts and common sense. ‘Silly and sensible’ replaced ‘right and wrong’, ‘good and bad’. An ease and calmness began to pervade everything, as I no longer had to keep up an effort to maintain appearances or fulfil any expectations of society or God. I remember being so relieved at not having to maintain a spiritual identity any more – it had been such a load for so long! Now there was simply no room for God in my life, no need for any authority of any sort – in short no need to believe in anything at all – no need to ‘fervently wish something to be true’, despite the facts to the contrary.’ Peter’s Journal God

And to think all this came about as a consequence of deciding that I would make being happy and harmless the most important thing in my life. In hindsight, I hadn’t eliminated my social identity at this stage because whilst one’s identity has two aspects – instinctual and social – they are intermeshed such that they form one entity, but rather what happened was that ‘I’ gave myself a new job to do.

No longer was ‘I’ involved in the confusing and fearful business of being the controller, ‘I’ now was busy with being aware of how I was experiencing this moment of being alive with the aim of being as happy and as harmless as possible. Hence the palpable sense of freedom from having to be perpetually on guard was replaced by the thrilling business of being attentive to how I was experiencing being here in this moment of time. I don’t know if this makes sense to you at this stage but I would be interested in your comments if you feel like replying.

RESPONDENT No. 30: Yes it makes sense now... ‘I’ am trying to busy myself with the moment and avoid all the excuses to fritter away this second. ‘I’ am not extinct, but have taken upon a new job which has a good instantaneous as well as long term pay :).

Probably fuelled by your comment above, recently I discovered that though I thought I was practicing actualism, I had distorted it a bit. Instead of staying and enjoying the moment, I was involved in a search and destroy mission, so I would go hunt for memories with bad feelings and try to dissect them. This resulted in missing out on the moment and as a methodology a failure – as I could never enjoy the moment and the pile that needs to be investigated was growing without resolution. But now I have my priority right and when I cannot enjoy the moment due to the emotion, I investigate in order to get back to enjoying the now. 11.1.2004

RESPONDENT No. 30: How are your communications outside this mailing list, in everyday life? Is it like this?

RESPONDENT No. 53: I don’t know what they are like. I imagine my communications vary, why do you ask Mr. No 30? Just curious? Are you concerned for your fellow lost human?

RESPONDENT No. 30: The reason I asked this is because if I think of sending a mail response to you, then I immediately think that you might start calling names etc.... some kind of fear of your response. I was wondering if people around you are scared of you because you call them names etc. and go to attack mode.

RESPONDENT No. 53: But you are not supposed to experience fear in the world of actualism.

RESPONDENT No. 30: I suppose you better study harder to get rid of any fear or fears your current identity experiences. Perhaps you should thank me for exposing your hiding fear so you can investigate it and eradicate using actualist surgical techniques for removing any sort of emotion emanating from the illusion of self.

*

RESPONDENT No. 30: There is no world of actualism (there is actual world but not ‘world of actualism’). Yes I thank you for such an exposure. But it doesn’t mean that I intellectually accept such ‘foul mouth’ (as in I won’t go about doing it) as I can see the harm it can cause.

RESPONDENT No. 53: People around me scared of me? LOL ! I wish! Quite the contrary mon frere.

RESPONDENT No. 30: Good to know that the experience for the people around you in the real world is contrary to the one is felt by me in the mailing list.

*

RESPONDENT No. 30: But since actualism is not about holding others responsible for one’s emotion, I have looked into issues like why do I feel unpleasant when somebody uses such strong words and resorts to calling names... there is an automatic instinctual aggression/ fear once one feels insulted/ threatened etc... solving this doesn’t mean that one becomes a pacifist, it does not result in withdrawal or anything... of course you may say, this is all meaningful only to me and not to you... as it is my experience... as you have expressed everywhere. But if there was a sensible dialogue between you and me, I am sure it will be an interesting discussion because though I don’t know you, you and I being human beings must have landed in similar situations and must have similar mechanisms... comparing notes if possible, is not only enjoyable but can be freeing/ learning experience. Opens one’s eyes to other’s experiences etc. Of course this being actualism mailing list, our discussions will be like: ‘this approach of actualism doesn’t work for me.... how can you say that?’ etc. (i.e. sensible discussion about actualism based on personal experience... it doesn’t mean that you have to agree to whatever it is said in this list/site... you can say it doesn’t work etc.).

RESPONDENT No. 53: Go Ahead and investigate all you want since you like to do that and you have been told and personally experienced that it works. Perhaps you should ask yourself if it really worked, why do I still have fear?

RESPONDENT No. 30: When you are cleaning the house, if you see dirt at one corner it doesn’t mean that you give up... you clean it and it goes away. It works, and it has gone away: the proof is I can mail you with sensible words instead of holding a grudge, instead of aggression or instead of hiding. Just for your intellectual understanding: Actual freedom is when some irrevocable thing happens in the brain as it did to Richard or a temporary experience of PCE where one is in the actual world. The method of actualism is a process where one can incrementally (note the word incrementally) clean oneself up of the emotional baggage (produced by the illusion of self as you say... do you understand that it is an illusion?)...

I have learnt one thing in my own experience and from others’: when one holds prejudices against others, one doesn’t read what is written carefully. And most of the problems and miscommunications I see are due to the fact that due attention is not paid to what is written. Once I saw this (even now I err, but less) I started reading carefully: whether one agrees with the other or not, one at least sees what the other is saying and it puts an end to endless repetitions and rounds of clarification.

RESPONDENT No. 53: Maybe it doesn’t work? Maybe the problem doesn’t lie with you but with the intent of those stupid words strung together to trick oneself into exiting stage left? Maybe getting rid of fear has nothing to do with methods. Maybe there is no getting rid of fear. What is wrong with what you call fear? The only problem I see is that you feel something and you say it shouldn’t be here and then you start saying the actualists equivalent of the rosary, a few Hail Marys. Your saying fear shouldn’t be here at the very same moment it exists is the problem, not the fear itself. Perhaps your shoulds and shouldn’ts is creating the fear and all your problems? Actualism is a very violent religion despite all the proclamations about peace on earth. You experience some emotion and then try to kill it because you aren’t supposed to have emotions according to Richard who says he has no emotions. Why anyone believes him is beyond me.

RESPONDENT No. 30: Don’t you think your discourse about fear is identical to UGK? (if you are interested in proof, I can provide from UGK where he says exactly the same.... but I won’t copy and paste because of your allergy to it). You said somewhere above:

Respondent No. 53: I must say that for the most part, you actualists are a polite pleasant lot

... why do you now say ‘Actualism is a very violent religion’ ? Because of its ruthless exposure of the illusion of self? Because of its critique on compassion? You accuse so much what you feel obvious to you... I do not deny that you feel it so.... otherwise you may not be writing all this. But can you prove one accusation beyond doubt? Just one? (I know you are not interested in proving).

I ask this because feelings, the most valued stuff by everybody, is not a reliable device for finding out what is actual.... one feels so strongly because of something and takes it to be true... once the feeling goes away... one feels the opposite. 28.1.2004

RESPONDENT No. 30: Thanks for your mail... I have read your earlier posts... I think they confirmed that we are dealing with similar things.

RESPONDENT No. 42: There have been a few brief threads lately where someone has brought up the fact that their investigating various beliefs to make them disappear had been to this point completely ineffectual. My main interest in discussion, and I am here starting a thread on this topic, is what makes investigating the many beliefs one has effective, and why is it so easy to spend lots and lots of time looking through everything, sincerely investigating only to end up depressed when you see yourself running in circles, with the same things coming up again and again.

RESPONDENT No. 30: I have had the exact experience... the massively complex never ending one thing leads to another cyclic structure that is ‘me’ creates hopelessness and despair. It is quite unclear and extremely confusing and so unbelievable that this structure can be ever understood and changed or ended.

I once asked Vineeto about this cyclic-ness... her tip was to find out why it is important for one to feel this way... I think this can be an indication that one has hit some core of the identity and one is fearful of losing it. Part of the fear is to confuse and doubt and prevent clear thinking. The key again is to identify as much as possible the underlying feelings rather than riding along the feelings-fed thoughts while feelings go unrecognized.

Another key I have found helpful is to ‘incrementally build pure intent’. As you might have found it in the writings, a PCE can provide one with a big bank account of an intent to bring about such a condition, to be happy and harmless: the memory is good enough to tell you that this is it! However for me, since I don’t have such a big bank account, I need to incrementally build it. So when I am struck with such feelings, I have noticed that the bank account goes to negative. When I ask myself: do I want to end this unhappiness, many times the answer is that of reluctance and fear. Such a response from my being obviously shackles my common sense and the resultant action on my part. So I say at such moments: Why don’t I have the intent? Does it not make sense to be happy?

This appealing to one’s sense I have found useful in building up the intent incrementally. Because if I don’t do this, how am I going to succeed? The ‘being’ wants to go the other way! It will surely result in obfuscation, despair and self-preserving tactics.

RESPONDENT No. 42: There are many ways of investigating these things, No. 53 has spoken about Byron Katie’s method, and there are ‘techniques’ for investigating all over the place. What makes the actualism method different? and what is the difference between successful investigation and unsuccessful, even when you are using the actualism method.

RESPONDENT No. 30: I haven’t really practiced other methods as diligently as I do now: so a case can be made against my statements. However, most of the stuff I have seen other than actualism: is either mystically coated or is plain self-improvement. The problem I have found with mystical stuff (like Krishnamurti, Zen, Ramana) is that they are contradictory and end up being confusing. The appeal in actualism is that it is sensible, practical at the same time not like the self-improvement techniques which I think are superficial.

To me successful means more clarity (things falling into place), more happiness and enjoyment and peace and harmony, application of common sense that I never enjoyed before: which actualism delivers. None of these is mystical and they are down to earth and practical.

How did Peter and Vineeto have so much success with it? I find that Peter writes that when investigating you must be ‘ruthless’ or ‘obsessive’ or that is the impression that I get. However, I could always just tell myself I am not being obsessive enough, and the actualism method would still stand. I sorta want to know more gritty details about the whole process. If I can remember the stupid mistakes I’ve noticed while doing some investigating I’ll try to post on them in detail.

Yes please post your observations, it will be definitely helpful for me and for others too.

From reading Peter’s and Vineeto’s account, it seems that their success is due to their a) practicality b) commitment c) having been intimately involved with the failed methods. As Peter calls his journal: Freedom another word for nothing left to lose. I too think that these are the ingredients.

RESPONDENT No. 42: No. 30, I am particularly interested in your input, because you recently posted something comparing something like years of wasted investigation to what you’ve accomplished with the actualist method.

RESPONDENT No. 30: I think extensive discussions and writings in the website provide so many tips on how to go about this business. And everything smacks of practicality, common sense and down-to-earth-ness. Without such an extensive (and well maintained website) material that seem to discuss almost everything that I can think of about the subject (just as you pointed about the discussions available in the website), I would not have had any success at all.

RESPONDENT No. 30 to No. 51: I clearly understand you want answer from Richard... I hope Richard’s reply will not be affected by my intervention. I thought of writing what I know (or what I have done so far) as an exercise in recollection as well as an opportunity for feedback... thanks.

0. Get committed with all your being (pure intent) to what this is all about: peace and harmony, happiness and harmlessness, clarity and understanding (the last pair is my interpretation); a PCE which shows one the end result is suggested as a must if at all an intent of such strength (goes all against one’s identity: one’s identity is by design to survive, not to vanish) has to be mustered. A prima facie case of what is said in the website and an intellectual understanding of what is involved is a great bonus.

1. Continually focus the attention to how one is experiencing every moment: particularly to the feelings... This is not usually done. One expresses or suppresses... one glorifies or shuns... one converts to images... one never describes and pays attention normally... it requires some practise to master.

2. If feeling bad or vicious, look into the causes: with sufficient application, one will find a belief (moral, principle, rule) or an instinctual feeling. See the stuff in its enormity and see how it works and what results it brings about. See if one will be better off without it...

3. After sufficient experience, other things will start becoming clearer... one will then have enough conviction, intent to go all the way... 7.2.2004

RESPONDENT No. 23: I have always come here with the shared purpose that is stated here.

RESPONDENT No. 30: Sorry for the delayed response No. 23 ... let me just say what I think here frankly and see if it makes sense:

It seems to me that whatever is said in the website, though in so much detail (4 million words to be made fun of :), are the experiences of the actualists and though they seem to be simple, it starts making sense only when one goes deep into this mess (my experience). As it is said, it is highly iconoclastic and challenges one’s beliefs so much. So without practising, let us say one starts discussing about it. I claim that one will get upset with something that is being said at one point or another (repetition of 180 degree opposite direction seems to make sense to me now). What do you do with that upset?

You can blame Richard, Peter, Vineeto for being adamant, dogmatic, incorrect etc. (That’s where looking for exact evidence at least in one case to support one’s feelings is worthwhile. Then one realizes, however strongly felt, the nature of feelings. This itself would be in some sense applying actualism.); or you can see why you are upset... even if they are so... what is that preventing you from being happy and harmless with the situation as it is... (again you have started applying actualism already if you do this) and my guess would be that there is a belief (principle, moral, ethical rule, value...) or deeply enough an instinct (it takes a while to get a knack of this.... this is really crazy… it is almost like an egg hatching to a chicken process... things are not clear in the beginning but facts and repeated application and contemplation are extremely important).

So that is why to understand actualism/the nature of human condition/the nature of actual freedom, I think you have to practice actualism (or any of the self observation, watching etc. but I think there will come a point where the feelings that are exonerated in other methods will be challenged in some of the writings and upset... there you go. This is a kind of question everything approach, but tailored to work).

I am not trying to produce a bullet-proof mathematical intellectual argument for practising actualism (as I might have made some cognitive oversight); just trying to present the case for actualism as I understand it from my experience and open a discussion.... and why anything less (dilution, variation) may not work etc.

See if this makes sense and if not, as always, let us discuss this stuff thoroughly (there is no objection for discussing things thoroughly, right? though it takes a lot of thought, time and energy). 22.2.2004

GARY: Recently you wrote something in response to No 60. To reproduce the context, here is what you wrote:

RESPONDENT No. 60: The preliminary method is simplicity itself, and it works pretty well.

RESPONDENT No. 28: Good advice. Here’s another trick that works for me. Be aware of your past and future, relative to the present moment. Gradually shrink their respective limits, starting at birth and death, to yesterday/ tomorrow, to last minute/ next minute, until they disappear. It then becomes very obvious that time is a mental construct and all our feelings etc only exist on the basis of our history and aspirations, hence also have no actual substance.

GARY: I don’t see how you could say that ‘ignore everything that isn’t actual’ is good advice.

It seems to me that persistent, unremitting attentiveness to one’s identity in action is the hallmark of the actualism method. This is quite in contrast to ignoring one’s feelings and emotions. Ignoring one’s identity, both ‘who’ I think I am in my head and ‘who’ I feel I am in my heart, can only produce dissociation and delusion. This is the opposite of attentiveness. In attentiveness, one is heedful, alert, and intent on observing exactly what is happening in one’s inner reality. Attentiveness does not shrink from or avoid what is going on.

So instead of saying to ignore one’s inner reality, I think the actualism method is to persistently attend to one’s feelings, thoughts, emotional reactions, affectations, and imaginings. I only say this because it has been my experience that ignoring what is going on in my head and/or in my heart, while that may be comforting and provide momentary relief from whatever is troubling me, has only led to more of the same. Whereas persistently digging into, being aware of, and practicing unremitting attentiveness is what eventually whittles away at the feelings that prevent one from being happy and harmless, and leads ultimately to apperception.

I would maintain that ignoring both what is going on in the world around one as well as in one’s inner world at the core of one’s being is a stick-your-head-in the-sand approach. It would be of enormous appeal to a spiritualist but not to a practising actualist. 13.3.2004

RESPONDENT No. 7 to No. 28: I have been on this list for a few years, but am a man of few words. The actualists have said it all, and it works for me in terms of dealing with my feelings and, recently, instinctual passions. What is absolutely necessary, though, is to develop a strong intent to be 1. harmless, 2. happy.

Without the shift to this intent it is a big struggle. With the strong commitment to it, it becomes quite easy. If I make it into a single-minded effort, secure it at the core of my – being, or Being, whatever... Even though the being, Being, me, Me, are not actual (the definition adopted from the actualists terminology), it is what dictates my behaviour. Why not use it while it is available here, while it lasts? Without combining this effort with passion at the core of my being - it has been very difficult to proceed). I am not fighting my self, my being. The start might involve putting this commitment in you, to be harmless and happy, and to clearly agree that you want to give it 100% go ahead.

Feeling and emotion – sense it in your body and try to understand it – remember your commitment to being harmless – see if this feeling might be against the commitment – remember when you were happy without feelings before, when you were not driven to react by your feelings – accept that this is what is necessary – to accept that it is important for the benefit of everybody in this world to change by dropping it and... wait to see what happens. Of course, I am talking about doing all this as it happens, no delay is allowed. 14.4.2004

RESPONDENT No. 28: Maybe it’s time for that poll? Come on out lurkers... tell us how this works for you? Esp. long term... anyone can fool themselves into ‘feeling’ happy for a few months. No. 27 – you’ve been at this a while. How many PCEs have you had?

RESPONDENT No. 27: None that I am absolutely certain of. But I have had quite a few experiences where the world has taken on a magical, fairy tale like quality that tells me I am pointed in the right direction.

RESPONDENT No. 28: Are you happier?

RESPONDENT No. 27: Yes and no.

Yes, in the sense that my ‘search’ for truth has ended – and that is quite a relief. Also, my ‘relationships’ and dealings with people are virtually free of emotional entanglement, so they are much, much smoother.

No, in the sense that actualism and the recognition of the human condition has brought some unanticipated downsides that I am still working through. Briefly, the downside I am referring to could be summarized like this: ‘I’ resent being here, and ‘I’ know it.

So, I cannot definitively say that I am happier overall.

RESPONDENT No. 28: Is it clearly attributable to actualism, and not to something that could be accomplished with the garden variety behaviour modification techs?

RESPONDENT No. 27: The fact that my ‘search’ has ended and dealings with people have improved is clearly attributable to actualism. The unanticipated downsides have had to do with the fact that for most of the last two years, I have practiced actualism incorrectly. I have mostly looked at the human condition and my experience by trying to think through them and understand them. Unfortunately, though that approach gave me an intellectual understanding of the human condition, it has not allowed me to eradicate it in myself. I’ve only recently been able to discern the difference experientially, which has to do with examining emotions with attentiveness rather than attempting to analyze them intellectually. There is a big difference that can only be discerned experientially, and from what I can see, the trick is to remain with attentiveness rather than intellectualizing. Also, an important note – I’ve have long understood (intellectually) that there is a difference, but one has to understand this experientially.

There have been a lot of misunderstandings about the phrase ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive’. I’ve tried to focus on ‘what’ I am experiencing – a sort of passive awareness, ‘what’ I am sensing – passive awareness – ‘what’ I am feeling – passive awareness – and other variations on the ‘what’ theme. It is only with the recent distinction between ‘what’ and ‘how’ that I see the question is specifically designed to be a simple test of the quality of experience in whatever form. ‘How’ is the important part in that it puts attention on the quality of experience – the emotions and feelings underlying thoughts so that one understands them experientially with attentiveness, not intellectually.

RESPONDENT No. 28: Will you ever live in virtual or actual freedom?

RESPONDENT No. 27: That is still to be determined. 8.5.2004

RESPONDENT No. 27: I have found more success in running the question in a wordless approach towards each moment, experiencing it without trying to distort it observing how I try to push certain thoughts and feelings away or reel others in. If one spends too much time verbalizing, thinking, analyzing, etc. – then what is there is often distorted, or one becomes distracted.

RESPONDENT No. 76: Ok. I have not as I said yet started actualism, just being attentive for a short period of time etc., just trying to get a hang of this process, but let me tell you, I am never ‘here’! Some talk in the head, internal dialogue/ wandering is going on, has it slowed down for you by now?

RESPONDENT No. 27: In my experience, actualism is not about ‘being here’. You are already here, and there is no other place or time to be but here and now. It’s not so much that being ‘normal’ means to ‘not be here’ – rather, it is to not be paying complete attention – it is to let much of what is happening in awareness slip under the rug, between the gaps, etc.

I’m not sure that the inner chatter you refer to has ‘slowed down’ for me sometimes it does, though there always seems to be something running in the background. Much of it has lost its force though.

*

RESPONDENT No. 27: So – when the question is running for me, it’s more like an immediate recognition of a feeling, sensation, thought or whatever is up for my attention – with an immediate awareness that works to gently dismantle any cause of suffering or unhappiness.

RESPONDENT No. 76: Do provide some live life eg! And you are saying you just turn the Attention, i.e. are attentive to the feeling running and that attention stops that and hence u get back out of that wandering, that habitual reactionary process and back to feeling good? or you try to catch it back to the belief, emotion, say to yourself oh ho there we go again, this is that instinctual thing in action and plus coupled with the attention it then stops?

RESPONDENT No. 27: There are at least 2 modes that I distinguish.

1) There are beliefs, emotions, passions, etc that barely intrude on awareness (possibly because they are not very strong or convincing, or possibly because they have been dealt with before) – those normally require only an immediate recognition, with the judgement of ‘silly’ or ‘I really don’t want that in my life any more.’

2) There are beliefs, emotion, passions, etc that more forcefully intrude on awareness and need more unravelling. These are virtually impossible to unravel immediately by instant recognition – one has to take the time to investigate those feelings to see what they are made of – it takes time to get to the bottom of these as there are many nooks and crannies to explore. Once these are all explored, then they turn into examples categorized under #1.

As an example of what I am referring to, let’s take fantasizing during sex. Fantasizing about other women while having sex with my partner used to occur quite frequently for me, as I’ve heard it does for other men as well. I carried out an investigation about sex and emotional intimacy that comprised much of my first year or so of actualism. After those issues have been dealt with and seen clearly, then the desire to fantasize might only visit me in an attenuated fashion, then I can look into it and easily dispense with it.

What dispenses with it? Overriding pure intent – which is the relentless, unyielding intent to unravel the human condition and live at peace with myself and others. Also, the realization that the experience is SO much better without the fantasizing. It’s not that I made fantasizing a moral issue – rather it was a mal-adaptation, like an addiction.

Which brings me to the following point. The human condition and its components can be likened to an addiction. Just like an addicted person may have a difficult time ridding themselves of the addiction at first – their intent to be free is the overriding factor for success, with success happening gradually, incrementally, not all or nothing. Eventually, addictions lessen their strength until one is either virtually free of it or actually free – the same goes for the human condition.

RESPONDENT No. 76: Respondent No 27, (R, Peter, Vineeto, any other actualist can also answer) this belief thing, I can understand, meaning, if I am sad or in any other state other than feeling or for that even feeling good and if I notice that and see that its due to some belief, that very seeing of that belief is the release. I mean I see that it’s just a belief I have been holding, social conditioning and I drop it. That sadness or that feeling goes.

But lets say it’s a state due to instinctual passion, then how does it work? My attention notices the instinct in operation, say I am irritated or angry or lusty and leave it at that. Here I can’t see the falseness of a belief or social conditioning like above, right? I just attend to the human condition and recognise it as that and leave it and move on?

RESPONDENT No. 27: I used to get caught up in the very same questions. Possibly what I provided above will provide hints, but to actually find out for yourself, you will need to do it for yourself. What I discovered is that won’t happen until you fully commit yourself to peace-on-earth. One cannot merely dabble with actualism or test the waters first – in order to reap benefits, you must commit yourself with your whole ‘being.’ Nothing less will do the trick. 2.10.2004

RESPONDENT No. 23: If you don’t mind can you tell me exactly how you have gone about trying to eliminate the instinctual passions?

RESPONDENT No. 68: 1) I’m attentive to my emotions throughout the day. By fully feeling them without any intention of either ‘holding onto’ them or ‘getting rid’ of them they naturally dissipate. If I have the chance (which is often not the case when at work or when my attention is engaged in some other complex behaviour) I will do some investigating into what triggered the emotion, why that triggered it, usually leading to the uncovering of some belief, moral or want (such as the want for approval, security, or control). Sometimes, I’ll ask myself, would I rather have this (belief, want) or would I rather be free? Choosing freedom is the sensible choice, in my book. I do look into what part of my identity is being threatened, challenged or supported/ enhanced, though I am not as effective yet in this part of the process.

2) I try to block out some time in the evening to sit down and fully feel some emotions that came up during the day that I did not have time to attend to fully at the time. I go over the event, feel the feeling, and after I come to a point that I ‘feel good’ (i.e. the feeling has dissipated) I then go through the investigation that I described above.

This is basically ‘actualism’ as far as I can see. There may be some personal idiosyncrasies of course. It seems to me that P, V, and R all used different questions, and came to different insights at different times in their journey. Sure there is a commonality there, but idiosyncrasies are there too. No one is alike 100% Therefore everyone’s experience is somewhat different, even in a virtual freedom. As far as an Actual Freedom, well that is three times removed from my experience (and R is the first perhaps, so we don’t even know if its repeatable-we certainly don’t know if its repeatable for any and everyone). 12.1.2005

RESPONDENT No. 59: If I recall correctly, didn’t you once write that it is an ‘all or nothing’ affair for you in regards to actualism. If that is still the case, then I can see why you are (still) in this psychological dilemma – this psychic knot – because as I wrote to you last time ‘a difference in degree is not a difference in kind’.

RESPONDENT No. 60: That’s right, it has been an ‘all or nothing’ affair for me. I’ve been striving to get to the stage where I can put ‘my’ head in the guillotine and get it over with. I’ve been trying to get there as quickly as possible, largely by brute force of will, and the results have been less than stunning as you know.

RESPONDENT No. 59: That ‘brute force of will’ you write about can be an awesome thing when sincerity and altruism play a role. But without these two, it is mostly governed by ‘No 60’ the arrogant, ‘No 60’ the impatient and ‘No 60’ the put most of my effort into the wrong place and then continue to berate myself -and possibly others- because of unfulfilled affective expectations.

Here is a small, down to earth, example (best read when naïve) –

So ... what about sincerity and altruism, I say? I know I need them, but I don’t have the capacity to put them into practice. Wait, is this belief or fact? I don’t know! Well, that’s ok; I have to start somewhere – and I can only ever start where I am at. Hey, I just made my first step! Instead of being optimistic, or pessimistic, I now know for a fact that I can be, and that I am being, sincere ... so I simply ‘don’t know’ has turned into ‘I do know’.

But I’ve said this before, that I don’t know when I in fact do – or that I do know when in reality I don’t. So how can I be so sure that I am being sincere this time? Oh yeah, because I’m finally fed up with being false – I no longer want to kid myself and I have no reason to be insincere about this anymore.

Wait ... hello ... what do we have here? What is this I’m feeling? Is this what dignity feels like? If this is dignity it sure beats the hell out of pride (spend some time with this rare feeling and contrasting it to pride).

And, what about altruism? I am so very selfish, so this one is tricky; hey, will you look at me?! I’ve gotten this far without thinking what a fucking idiot I am. So this is how it feels like to be nice with one’s ‘self’? Wow, what a load off my chest ... hey, I am no longer angry at my boss for having implied that I am fucking idiot either! Why is it that I am not resenting him at this moment? In fact, I even wish him well. Hey, if this is not altruism I don’t know what is!

So I can be both sincere and altruistic, and this I know for a fact – but it did take some effort. So when I said that ‘I don’t have the capacity to put them into practice’ I was really just stating a belief (and living according to it) ... and now I no longer have that belief. Ha! ‘I’ feel lighter, ‘I’ feel great, as if ‘I’ had lost 145 psychological pounds. Oh man, ‘I’ am getting thinner.

Shucks ... now what? I need some motivation. Hmm ... wait a minute. A difference in degree is not a difference in kind – and I have just begun this journey ... Yikes!!! Where will all this take ‘me’? Fear ... now I am feeling fear! Was it because of ... no, its because I don’t know where I am going with this ... I know this feeling! I feel insecure ... nope, I feel ... I feel excited! Thrilled! Enthusiasm baby, where have you been all ‘my’ life?!?

Inner/outer attention suddenly evolves into an unusual awareness  – Wow, I had never actually noticed how my mind works (and what it is capable of). Come to think of it, I had never actually noticed these trees in the front yard either – and their smell, what a lovely fragrance they have- or how the strong wind bends the upper part while the softer breeze only caresses its branches; oh, and the breeze ... it’s remarkable how I can touch and feel the air in movement ... rather it is as if it were feeling me ... every part of me ... and the birds ... oh, the birds ... amazing how I can describe this; amazing that I can even describe this!

And suddenly – My girl to me: Lunch is ready! (She likes to cook)

No. 59 (delighting in the aroma) – Be with you in a second.

My girl: Hmm ... are you contemplating again?

No. 59 (caressing my sweater) – Actually, I don’t know if it’s ‘me’ anymore.

My girl: Well, No 47 or ‘No 47’, both of you’re going to have a cold plate if you don’t come and eat soon.

No. 59 (enjoying her company) – Actually, ‘No. 59’ can’t eat ... even though he can make No. 59 overeat.

My girl: You are a lost cause.

No. 59 (savouring the food) – Yes ‘I’ am.

RESPONDENT No. 60: I attribute this partly to some native arrogance, partly to impatience, and partly my failure to recognise that self-sacrificING and self-sacrifice are indeed a difference in degree, not in kind. Consequently I have underestimated ‘virtual freedom’ (both in its potential quality as a way of living, and in its importance as an intermediate step).

RESPONDENT No. 59: You have hit the nail on the head! Yet remember that a realization is not an actualization.

RESPONDENT No. 60: If actualism is fundamentally sound, the difference between virtual and actual freedom is also a difference in degree, not in kind. Right?

RESPONDENT No. 59: A caterpillar has a jolly good time – but can he fly? 25.1.2005a

RESPONDENT No. 60: May I ask ... what have you been doing when asking yourself HAIETMOBA? Looking outward, remembering how perception is in a PCE and trying to prolong apperception as much as possible, then investigating feelings if (and when) they prevent this ... or have you been directing your attention toward your feelings first, on the understanding that apperception would arise naturally from their cessation? Other people?

The reason why this is important to me is because (as some of you might remember) I have had zero success practising the method as I thought it was prescribed here. Paying exclusive attention to my feelings has had really lousy results for me. Instead of causing feelings to dissipate, it was like holding a microphone to an amplifier, creating a screeching, howling feedback loop out of virtually nothing. After that I stopped doing it ‘by the book’ (as I understood it). But maybe I can do it ‘by the book’ after all.

RESPONDENT No. 27: I thought I’d give you some feedback from my own experience. I’ve tried various ways of ‘focussing’ my awareness as the actualist method – everything from trying to keep my attention on this moment and not thinking about the past or future, to making a conscious mental note of each thing I am perceiving or feeling. I’ve wondered whether or not the constant memory of a PCE is essential, tried focussing on sensations, etc. – but they all seem to be distracting to some extent.

I am currently having better success with just letting my attention ‘rest’ – as ‘low as it can go’ within my psyche. I used to watch every arising feeling and try to pick it apart, etc – but now I find that I have investigated almost everything – and I already know where those investigations lead. The only thing has been offering some success now has been to ‘feel my way through it’ – and by that, I don’t mean ‘feel my way to the answer’ – rather, instead of getting caught up in an intellectual investigation or trying to figure out what the ‘truth’ is about whatever I’m investigating, I prefer to let my attention ‘sink into’ whatever I am feeling and just notice how my attention gets bounced around. As I understand it – pure intent is the rudder that keeps me going on the right track – it is the sheer will not to give up no matter what – come what may.

In my experience, it is this willingness to dive ever deeper and deeper into one’s own psyche that begins to dissolve it – the times when I feel that I am making significant progress are those times when there is a noticeable lack of depth to my psyche – in other words, the basement has surfaced and the normal duality of the psyche isn’t as present. To be ‘normal’ is to constantly be on the lookout for the negative aspects of the mind and to control them by avoidance and repression. The actualism method allows those to surface and be looked at matter-of-factly.

So – to sum up, in my experience – it’s not really a question of focussing on feelings or sensations – it is rather allowing feelings to take center stage for as long as they need to be there, until they dissipate and allow a greater sensitivity to emerge. 28.2.2005

RESPONDENT No. 68: It occurred to me today that for the last 6 weeks or so, that most of my ‘days off’ work that I spend much of the day in a on and off again selfless experience. It does not happen as much at work (it is easy to let ones attentiveness slip at work), but it happens there too on a daily basis now. What has been the key? Funny, its very simple. I now no longer engage in any ‘personal growth’ work besides actualism. No meditation, no Sedona method, no Emo-clear emotional integration, no praying, no chanting, no church attending, etc...

I just attend to my experience of the moment and investigate my psyche and the self is starting to wilt. It is the simplicity and focused nature of actualism that eventually leaves the self with ‘nothing’ to do. I notice that going outside for a walk (particularly in the woods) now ‘automatically’ induces at least an excellence experience and sometimes a PCE. Now that spring is starting in Michigan and I’ll be outdoors more, I think some major ‘breakthroughs’ of self-diminishment will be occurring. This is not to say that anxiety, sadness, and anger don’t happen anymore, but they do not stay around as long as they used to. When the bright light of awareness is shined on them they are like an ant caught in the focused light of a magnifying glass in the sun.

They ‘burn’ up in due time. My worldly/ spiritual cynicism is wearing down and I’m gaining more and more excitement (even being thrilled) of living each new day. I never thought it would be possible to live like this with all the pain this body is in. I would have thought the pain would have to go to be happy, but amazingly that seems to not be the case.

*

Oh, and while abandoning all spiritual beliefs is what got the ‘ball rolling’ for me, it is the clear seeing through of the folly of love that has the actualism process steamrolling through my identity. It seems my recent divorce is a blessing in disguise; for I always held back my practice of actualism thinking she needed ‘my’ love.

Depersonalization ... here ‘I’ come (or ‘go’ really). As an aside, I now find it near impossible to be ‘serious’ about much anymore.

Considerate, caring, sincere yes, serious, no. 22.3.2005

RESPONDENT No. 79: What is the difference between ‘nipping it in the bud’, and suppressing a feeling?

RESPONDENT No. 30: As I understand it, in suppressing you use control/ will/ force/ aggression based on no/partial/intellectual understanding of the feeling. You try to change the course of the feeling recognizing its harm (or for whatever reasons) using control/ will/ force/ aggression. What are the advantages? One can stop the crisis. What are the disadvantages? It doesn’t end the matter fully and still all is a mystery.

Though this can be called nipping it in the bud too, in actualist terms (feel free to correct, anybody): happens really after an experiential understanding – by fully feeling the feeling without controls (in a safe setting) and seeing where it will take one. How does one do it? I don’t recall it doing it myself... though I have experienced a lot of feelings fully... I see that such an understanding takes the momentum off the feeling when it re-occurs. The understand allows one to change the course of the feeling by seeing its futility, seeing where it will take one and what ensues. I think one undergoes a change of heart/mind at the moment of feeling rather than forcefully changing it. Force might have its use too as one is dealing with ‘instinctual forces’ here and actualism being a practical business, focuses on workability rather than on morals and concepts. But the point is that suppression is using force primarily whereas actualist method is to use experiential understanding (feeling completely) primarily. Another point is that, actualism is not about ‘don’t feel’ but rather ‘feel fully’ and study it. 16.4.2005

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