Others ~ Selected Correspondence

How to Become Free from the Human Condition

Ah … confusion over the method again. Even though the AF method is extremely simple, I admit to having the same type of questions as No 92 for over a year.

I would simply offer this:

The actualism method as a watchfulness/ attentiveness method

1) Become aware of your feelings and label the feelings.

2) Find out the ‘trigger’ (i.e. the thought or event that occasioned the un-felicitous feeling).

3) Get back to feeling felicitous (I find that fully feeling whatever feeling is still present will naturally dissolve/minimize/integrate/ the feeling. After that I may step beyond feeling good to feeling excellent by paying exclusive attention to my senses-particularly my vision. Sometimes going for a walk, sitting on the patio, looking at the trees, etc is helpful to feel good [i.e. felicitous] again. Simply having a sense of humour in seeing the ‘silliness’ of letting anything ruin this moment can work like a charm, but I have found this to be consistently true only recently as my innocence/naivety has been rekindled).

The investigative aspect of the actualism method

4) only after feeling the feeling, finding the trigger, and getting back to feeling good will a thorough investigation bear fruit consistently (not that it will always fail, as even in football a Hail Mary will occasionally ‘connect’). It is here when feeling good or excellent that you will constructively investigation the who, when, where, why, how, and what for. You can search and find the underlying reasons why certain events, people, and thoughts upset you so. You can find the core beliefs, the way your identity gets threatened etc. A superficial reading will lead one to confuse #2 (a simple, ‘oh I started feeling bad when my wife gave me a dirty look’) with this #4 which might reveal ‘I don’t like that look, it reminds me of my mother. I hate when women try to control me … etc’.

To be fair, even Vineeto says that eventually one may investigate right while the feeling is going on, but in my experience this is only true when one has ‘simplified’ the self to the point where one can think calmly and without agitation in the midst of the feeling (i.e. in my experience this means that just noticing that your not feeling felicitous, automatically tones down the feeling to a workable intensity). So, this is likely not relevant until one has had a good amount of experience in the actualism process. No 66 to No 92, 26.5.2006

‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ Does anyone else find that for them the HAIETMOBA question confused things and that a clearer instruction would have been something like: be attentive/be self-aware?

I pretty much had the same issue during the first year or so of practicing actualism.

The HAIETMOBA for me tends (or tended) to draw a blank. It is quite a ‘mouthful’ to think-out during negative emotions and feels like it needs a thought, intellectual answer. I haven’t practiced haietmoba so much that it has become a wordless approach, instead I’m virtually beginning now with a wordless attentiveness. In attentiveness: How I am feeling is exposed to my intelligence, which can always see the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ emotions as silly. The only danger of practicing the method this wordless way, as I see it, would be that one is actually practicing a form of dissociative ‘self’-observation. Perhaps the instruction to ‘be attentive’ can only be followed after having a good understanding of actualism and knowing the contrasts with spiritualism?

My 1.5 cents (kind in mind that I’m not virtually free, so please take with some salt): As far as getting attentiveness up and running it seemed rather ineffective to literally ask ‘haietmoba’ all day long. After trying that real hard for over 8months I begin to apply a wordless attentiveness since I knew the intent of the ‘question’. As long as you actually answer the question things should work well (as they did for me when I was intensely applying the method). Example: wordless attentiveness – answer ‘I’m feeling angry’.

Looking through the correspondence on the method, it seems others have similar troubles with HAIETMOBA and practicing it wrong before realising it’s actually about attentiveness/feeling-the-feeling/fully-experiencing... I’ve noticed how many explain the method to others without mention of the haietmoba question at all.

Yes, indeed. The ‘haietmoba’ has been used as a straw man argument by many of the anti-actualists. It is the intent and purpose of the question which is of central importance and not the words per se. However, it is important to understand the meaning well before applying wordless attentiveness in my opinion and answering the question is crucial.

(Obviously, this only concerns the initial step in the method as the subsequent investigation is quite clearly presented on the site.) What do you think, is it ok to go straight to wordlessness?

Mostly, I think this is a individual matter and that the answer will be different for each person. No need to hurry. Maybe try it for a month and try the word version for a month and compare notes. Have some fun with it. No 66 to No 98, 29.6.2006

I have read it and I will read it again, thanks. Just to clarify, though: I am not asking whether HAIETMOBA is an avoidance technique. I’m asking whether the specific advice to ‘come to your senses’ means ‘focus on your senses’ and thus avoid emotions, as Vineeto seemed to say in that quote. Thus, I also wondered about the differences/similarities between the advice to ‘come to one’s senses’ and asking HAIETMOBA.

Thanks for the responses.

I think ‘coming to one’s senses’ is what happens when one asks HAIETMOBA, and is a different meaning than ‘focus on your senses’. I think ‘focus on your senses’ (and thus avoid emotions) is like trying to ignore the condition that one is in that is keeping one from the senses, whereas HAIETMOBA? brings one back to the senses by investigating what is keeping one from the senses – the instinctual/emotional/affective responses that are occurring. No 108 (R) to No 97, 14.4.2006

No 97, Per the article in summary: attentiveness (which the ‘how am I’ question is merely a device to activate) leads to sensuousness (i.e. ‘coming to one’s senses’) and the two lead to apperceptiveness (i.e. a PCE).

Practically speaking, you pay attention to how you’re feeling. If you’re feeling good you get back to sensuousness. If not you label the feeling, figure out when and why it started and get back to feeling good ASAP.

Later, after you feel better you can do an in depth exploration of what beliefs are involves (i.e. a more detailed investigation).

Coming to one’s senses is not avoidance if you fully acknowledge (by fully feeling/ experiencing and labelling the feelings) the feelings first. After that your goal is to get back to enjoying this moment, ASAP. Attentiveness and sensuousness are the preventative and curative measures for all the ills of the psyche. No 68 to No 97, 14.4.2006

RICHARD: It is really very, very simple (which is possibly why it has never been discovered before this): one felt good previously; one is not feeling good now; something happened to one to end that felicitous feeling; one finds out what happened; one sees how silly that is (no matter what it was); one is once more feeling good. (…)

Surely there is nothing, but nothing, which can ever sensibly justify having one’s intelligence being run by feelings?

The actualism method is basically noticing non-felicitous feelings, and asking what caused this feeling? And to keep digging until one finds the root cause. Eventually this even goes past beliefs and into the instinctual passions. As I have progressively dismantled my beliefs, EE happen more and more where a good part of many days is spent in a virtual freedom. As the EE varies in purity to almost a ASC to almost a PCE, I now have a working knowledge of ‘where I’m headed’ and now I can for the most part induce a EE per Peter’s report of your suggestion about vision. I call it paying attention or being aware to my full visual field as that works well. However, these days that has become basically habitual and happens of its own often.

It is easy … and very … very simple. Pure intent to be happy (i.e. non-sorrowful) and harmless (i.e. non-malicious) is indeed what completely separates actualism from non-dualism as sorrow and malice are indeed kept alive by compassion, love, empathy and the whole lot of ‘positive’ emotions.

This is indeed the thrill of a lifetime and the building momentum for me at this point is not merely exciting, but breathtaking. No 66 to Richard, 5.1.2006

<snip> The thing is a lot of the time thoughts come onto my head about my life and reality and I find myself trying to ignore them, to stop thinking about it, for fear of being overcome by them, of going back to that near-breakdown state I was in before. I’ve also read how some people have had a glimpse of reality and decided it wasn’t for them and I wonder if I’m going to be one of these people. I have other problems on my mind as well, I’ve been unemployed for about 15 months now, due to my anxiety, I’m living alone and I guess I’m unsure of my future, whether to go back to university or not. I don’t have any clear career in mind, I guess my mind has been on my anxiety and now other stuff over the last few years. I also have health issues, I have diabetes and some other problems. I guess I’m unsure what to do, just wondering would you have any advice?

I have used cognitive therapy myself and definitely feeling good is a great book which initially helped me a lot. Though it is founded on the opposite of actualism – thoughts create feelings. The thought distortions can be effectively categorized and exposed for their falsity. But these methods took me to only a certain point and nothing like putting actualism method as prescribed has really worked like anything. Actualism method as suggested with all the common sensical stuff (intent, naiveté, happy and harmless, commitment, integrity) if practised fully should lead one straight to all this stuff, in my opinion. No 33 to No 00, 16.7.2005

None that I am absolutely certain of. But I have had quite a few experiences where the world has taken on a magical, fairy tale like quality that tells me I am pointed in the right direction.

Yes and no.

Yes, in the sense that my ‘search’ for truth has ended – and that is quite a relief. Also, my ‘relationships’ and dealings with people are virtually free of emotional entanglement, so they are much, much smoother.

No, in the sense that actualism and the recognition of the human condition has brought some unanticipated downsides that I am still working through. Briefly, the downside I am referring to could be summarized like this: ‘I’ resent being here, and ‘I’ know it.

So, I cannot definitively say that I am happier overall.

The fact that my ‘search’ has ended and dealings with people have improved is clearly attributable to actualism. The unanticipated downsides have had to do with the fact that for most of the last two years, I have practiced actualism incorrectly. I have mostly looked at the human condition and my experience by trying to think through them and understand them. Unfortunately, though that approach gave me an intellectual understanding of the human condition, it has not allowed me to eradicate it in myself. I’ve only recently been able to discern the difference experientially, which has to do with examining emotions with attentiveness rather than attempting to analyze them intellectually. There is a big difference that can only be discerned experientially, and from what I can see, the trick is to remain with attentiveness rather than intellectualizing. Also, an important note – I’ve have long understood (intellectually) that there is a difference, but one has to understand this experientially.

There have been a lot of misunderstandings about the phrase ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive’. I’ve tried to focus on ‘what’ I am experiencing – a sort of passive awareness, ‘what’ I am sensing – passive awareness – ‘what’ I am feeling – passive awareness – and other variations on the ‘what’ theme. It is only with the recent distinction between ‘what’ and ‘how’ that I see the question is specifically designed to be a simple test of the quality of experience in whatever form. ‘How’ is the important part in that it puts attention on the quality of experience – the emotions and feelings underlying thoughts so that one understands them experientially with attentiveness, not intellectually.

That is still to be determined.  No 37 to No 38

Thanks for your mail... I have read your earlier posts... I think they confirmed that we are dealing with similar things.

I have had the exact experience... the massively complex never ending one thing leads to another cyclic structure that is ‘me’ creates hopelessness and despair. It is quite unclear and extremely confusing and so unbelievable that this structure can be ever understood and changed or ended.

I once asked Vineeto about this cyclic-ness... her tip was to find out why it is important for one to feel this way... I think this can be an indication that one has hit some core of the identity and one is fearful of losing it. Part of the fear is to confuse and doubt and prevent clear thinking. The key again is to identify as much as possible the underlying feelings rather than riding along the feelings-fed thoughts while feelings go unrecognized.

Another key I have found helpful is to ‘incrementally build pure intent’. As you might have found it in the writings, a PCE can provide one with a big bank account of an intent to bring about such a condition, to be happy and harmless: the memory is good enough to tell you that this is it! However for me, since I don’t have such a big bank account, I need to incrementally build it. So when I am struck with such feelings, I have noticed that the bank account goes to negative. When I ask myself: do I want to end this unhappiness, many times the answer is that of reluctance and fear. Such a response from my being obviously shackles my common sense and the resultant action on my part. So I say at such moments: Why don’t I have the intent? Does it not make sense to be happy?

This appealing to one’s sense I have found useful in building up the intent incrementally. Because if I don’t do this, how am I going to succeed? The ‘being’ wants to go the other way! It will surely result in obfuscation, despair and self-preserving tactics.

I haven’t really practiced other methods as diligently as I do now: so a case can be made against my statements. However, most of the stuff I have seen other than actualism: is either mystically coated or is plain self-improvement. The problem I have found with mystical stuff (like Krishnamurti, Zen, Ramana) is that they are contradictory and end up being confusing. The appeal in actualism is that it is sensible, practical at the same time not like the self-improvement techniques which I think are superficial.

To me successful means more clarity (things falling into place), more happiness and enjoyment and peace and harmony, application of common sense that I never enjoyed before: which actualism delivers. None of these is mystical and they are down to earth and practical.

How did Peter and Vineeto have so much success with it? I find that Peter writes that when investigating you must be ‘ruthless’ or ‘obsessive’ or that is the impression that I get. However, I could always just tell myself I am not being obsessive enough, and the actualism method would still stand. I sorta want to know more gritty details about the whole process. If I can remember the stupid mistakes I’ve noticed while doing some investigating I’ll try to post on them in detail.

Yes please post your observations, it will be definitely helpful for me and for others too.

From reading Peter’s and Vineeto’s account, it seems that their success is due to their a) practicality b) commitment c) having been intimately involved with the failed methods. As Peter calls his journal: Freedom another word for nothing left to lose. I too think that these are the ingredients.

I think extensive discussions and writings in the website provide so many tips on how to go about this business. And everything smacks of practicality, common sense and down-to-earth-ness. Without such an extensive (and well maintained website) material that seem to discuss almost everything that I can think of about the subject (just as you pointed about the discussions available in the website), I would not have had any success at all.

Because when I was reading Krishnamurti, so many things were confusing and with common sense thinking as it is now was not so intact then, I used to interpret left and right never having any certainty... whereas such is not the case now. I have the confidence now that I can think for myself! Doubt (as a feeling variation of fear and uncertainty) has not helped me to enable sensible thinking, rather it was naiveté and simplicity I think. No 33 to No 55

How are your communications outside this mailing list, in everyday life? Is it like this?

The reason I asked this is because if I think of sending a mail response to you, then I immediately think that you might start calling names etc.... some kind of fear of your response. I was wondering if people around you are scared of you because you call them names etc. and go to attack mode.

I suppose you better study harder to get rid of any fear or fears your current identity experiences. Perhaps you should thank me for exposing your hiding fear so you can investigate it and eradicate using actualist surgical techniques for removing any sort of emotion emanating from the illusion of self.

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There is no world of actualism (there is actual world but not ‘world of actualism’). Yes I thank you for such an exposure. But it doesn’t mean that I intellectually accept such ‘foul mouth’ (as in I won’t go about doing it) as I can see the harm it can cause.

Good to know that the experience for the people around you in the real world is contrary to the one is felt by me in the mailing list.

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But since actualism is not about holding others responsible for one’s emotion, I have looked into issues like why do I feel unpleasant when somebody uses such strong words and resorts to calling names... there is an automatic instinctual aggression/ fear once one feels insulted/ threatened etc... solving this doesn’t mean that one becomes a pacifist, it does not result in withdrawal or anything... of course you may say, this is all meaningful only to me and not to you... as it is my experience... as you have expressed everywhere. But if there was a sensible dialogue between you and me, I am sure it will be an interesting discussion because though I don’t know you, you and I being human beings must have landed in similar situations and must have similar mechanisms... comparing notes if possible, is not only enjoyable but can be freeing/learning experience. Opens one’s eyes to other’s experiences etc. Of course this being actualism mailing list, our discussions will be like: ‘this approach of actualism doesn’t work for me.... how can you say that?’ etc. (i.e. sensible discussion about actualism based on personal experience... it doesn’t mean that you have to agree to whatever it is said in this list/site... you can say it doesn’t work etc.).

When you are cleaning the house, if you see dirt at one corner it doesn’t mean that you give up... you clean it and it goes away. It works, and it has gone away: the proof is I can mail you with sensible words instead of holding a grudge, instead of aggression or instead of hiding. Just for your intellectual understanding: Actual freedom is when some irrevocable thing happens in the brain as it did to Richard or a temporary experience of PCE where one is in the actual world. The method of actualism is a process where one can incrementally (note the word incrementally) clean oneself up of the emotional baggage (produced by the illusion of self as you say... do you understand that it is an illusion?)...

I have learnt one thing in my own experience and from others’: when one holds prejudices against others, one doesn’t read what is written carefully. And most of the problems and miscommunications I see are due to the fact that due attention is not paid to what is written. Once I saw this (even now I err, but less) I started reading carefully: whether one agrees with the other or not, one at least sees what the other is saying and it puts an end to endless repetitions and rounds of clarification.

Don’t you think your discourse about fear is identical to UGK? (if you are interested in proof, I can provide from UGK where he says exactly the same.... but I won’t copy and paste because of your allergy to it). You said somewhere above:

I must say that for the most part, you actualists are a polite pleasant lot

... why do you now say ‘Actualism is a very violent religion’ ? Because of its ruthless exposure of the illusion of self? Because of its critique on compassion? You accuse so much what you feel obvious to you... I do not deny that you feel it so.... otherwise you may not be writing all this. But can you prove one accusation beyond doubt? Just one? (I know you are not interested in proving).

I ask this because feelings, the most valued stuff by everybody, is not a reliable device for finding out what is actual.... one feels so strongly because of something and takes it to be true... once the feeling goes away... one feels the opposite. No 33 to No 58

Richard to No 58: Up until now I have only made actualism available via the internet <…>

And the result? Somewhere across the globe (from USofA in fact) I am able to say: Actualism works! It works in an amazing, delightful way. Simply superb! My journal these days starts with this kind: ‘This is simply amazing’... ‘I cracked this stuff’... And all the realizations I record these days are exactly as Peter puts it in the ‘Practical Guide for Actualists’

These thorough investigations will result in realizations, momentous discoveries, which, if combined with one’s pure intent, will inevitably lead to substantial change. Once a deep investigation reveals the facts of a situation, the realization and acknowledgment of these facts results in change, ‘I’ have no choice in the matter. It is not ‘me’ changing myself but change is the inevitable result of the realization. For a spiritualist, realizations are the be all and end all, the knowledge gained remains intellectual, usually translated into feelings, any experiences are savoured, and ‘I’ claim the credit, becoming even more strengthened and aggrandized. On the spiritual path, realizations lead to a change in consciousness – i.e. a change in how ‘I’ think and feel about life as-it-is. These spiritually conditioned realizations, or insights, about the ‘real world’ invariably lead to affective experiences, which in turn can lead to temporary altered states of consciousness or, for those rare few who lose all grip on reality, a permanent ASC, aka Enlightenment.

For an Actualist, realizations are simply a serendipitous by-product of their investigations into their ‘self’. It is clear that it is ‘I’ who have realizations or startling insights into the Human Condition in general, and about ‘my’ feelings, emotions and behaviour in particular. These realizations, if combined with an uncorrupted objective in life, can lead to irrevocable change and it is actual change that an Actualist seeks – not just imagining or feeling that one has changed.

This difference, yet again, points to the fact that the spiritual process is diametrically opposite to the process of becoming actually free of the Human Condition. Peter, Practical Guide for Actualists

It is thrilling: to say the least … No 33 to No 58

I have been on this list for a few years, but am a man of few words. The actualists have said it all, and it works for me in terms of dealing with my feelings and, recently, instinctual passions. What is absolutely necessary, though, is to develop a strong intent to be 1. harmless, 2. happy.

Without the shift to this intent it is a big struggle. With the strong commitment to it, it becomes quite easy. If I make it into a single-minded effort, secure it at the core of my – being, or Being, whatever... Even though the being, Being, me, Me, are not actual (the definition adopted from the actualists terminology), it is what dictates my behaviour. Why not use it while it is available here, while it lasts? Without combining this effort with passion at the core of my being - it has been very difficult to proceed). I am not fighting my self, my being. The start might involve putting this commitment in you, to be harmless and happy, and to clearly agree that you want to give it 100% go ahead.

Feeling and emotion – sense it in your body and try to understand it – remember your commitment to being harmless – see if this feeling might be against the commitment – remember when you were happy without feelings before, when you were not driven to react by your feelings – accept that this is what is necessary – to accept that it is important for the benefit of everybody in this world to change by dropping it and... wait to see what happens. Of course, I am talking about doing all this as it happens, no delay is allowed. No 7 to No 38

Recently you wrote something in response to No 60. To reproduce the context, here is what you wrote:

No 60 wrote: The preliminary method is simplicity itself, and it works pretty well.

I don’t see how you could say that ‘ignore everything that isn’t actual’ is good advice.

It seems to me that persistent, unremitting attentiveness to one’s identity in action is the hallmark of the actualism method. This is quite in contrast to ignoring one’s feelings and emotions. Ignoring one’s identity, both ‘who’ I think I am in my head and ‘who’ I feel I am in my heart, can only produce dissociation and delusion. This is the opposite of attentiveness. In attentiveness, one is heedful, alert, and intent on observing exactly what is happening in one’s inner reality. Attentiveness does not shrink from or avoid what is going on.

So instead of saying to ignore one’s inner reality, I think the actualism method is to persistently attend to one’s feelings, thoughts, emotional reactions, affectations, and imaginings. I only say this because it has been my experience that ignoring what is going on in my head and/or in my heart, while that may be comforting and provide momentary relief from whatever is troubling me, has only led to more of the same. Whereas persistently digging into, being aware of, and practicing unremitting attentiveness is what eventually whittles away at the feelings that prevent one from being happy and harmless, and leads ultimately to apperception.

I would maintain that ignoring both what is going on in the world around one as well as in one’s inner world at the core of one’s being is a stick-your-head-in the-sand approach. It would be of enormous appeal to a spiritualist but not to a practising actualist. Gary to No 38

I clearly understand you want answer from Richard... I hope Richard’s reply will not be affected by my intervention. I thought of writing what I know (or what I have done so far) as an exercise in recollection as well as an opportunity for feedback... thanks.

0. Get committed with all your being (pure intent) to what this is all about: peace and harmony, happiness and harmlessness, clarity and understanding (the last pair is my interpretation); a PCE which shows one the end result is suggested as a must if at all an intent of such strength (goes all against one’s identity: one’s identity is by design to survive, not to vanish) has to be mustered. A prima facie case of what is said in the website and an intellectual understanding of what is involved is a great bonus.

1. Continually focus the attention to how one is experiencing every moment: particularly to the feelings... This is not usually done. One expresses or suppresses... one glorifies or shuns... one converts to images... one never describes and pays attention normally... it requires some practise to master.

2. If feeling bad or vicious, look into the causes: with sufficient application, one will find a belief (moral, principle, rule) or an instinctual feeling. See the stuff in its enormity and see how it works and what results it brings about. See if one will be better off without it...

3. After sufficient experience, other things will start becoming clearer... one will then have enough conviction, intent to go all the way... No 33 to No 56

Sorry for the delayed response No 16.... let me just say what I think here frankly and see if it makes sense:

It seems to me that whatever is said in the website, though in so much detail (4 million words to be made fun of :), are the experiences of the actualists and though they seem to be simple, it starts making sense only when one goes deep into this mess (my experience). As it is said, it is highly iconoclastic and challenges one’s beliefs so much. So without practising, let us say one starts discussing about it. I claim that one will get upset with something that is being said at one point or another (repetition of 180 degree opposite direction seems to make sense to me now). What do you do with that upset?

You can blame Richard, Peter, Vineeto for being adamant, dogmatic, incorrect etc. (That’s where looking for exact evidence at least in one case to support one’s feelings is worthwhile. Then one realizes, however strongly felt, the nature of feelings. This itself would be in some sense applying actualism.); or you can see why you are upset... even if they are so... what is that preventing you from being happy and harmless with the situation as it is... (again you have started applying actualism already if you do this) and my guess would be that there is a belief (principle, moral, ethical rule, value...) or deeply enough an instinct (it takes a while to get a knack of this.... this is really crazy… it is almost like an egg hatching to a chicken process... things are not clear in the beginning but facts and repeated application and contemplation are extremely important).

So that is why to understand actualism/the nature of human condition/the nature of actualfreedom, I think you have to practice actualism (or any of the self observation, watching etc. but I think there will come a point where the feelings that are exonerated in other methods will be challenged in some of the writings and upset... there you go. This is a kind of question everything approach, but tailored to work).

I am not trying to produce a bullet-proof mathematical intellectual argument for practising actualism (as I might have made some cognitive oversight); just trying to present the case for actualism as I understand it from my experience and open a discussion.... and why anything less (dilution, variation) may not work etc.

See if this makes sense and if not, as always, let us discuss this stuff thoroughly (there is no objection for discussing things thoroughly, right? though it takes a lot of thought, time and energy). No 33 to No 16

One becomes inured to the pathos and emotional turmoil of life and simply overlooks or misses all the simple satisfactions of a life freed from the emotional ups and downs. So this business of seeking to ‘plumb the depths’ has its drawbacks.

I am not sure I see your point. The only question really is ‘How am I....’ If there is an identity going about analysing everything, looking for intellectual arguments and theories, trying to fit everyday life into some kind of grand pattern or grand scheme, then that is certainly a ‘trap of identity looking for drawbacks’. Emotional ups and downs, with their accompanying chemical highs, are something to be minimized, in my opinion.

Just a question No 13 ... who is the ‘I’ that ‘I’ don’t want to be?

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Yet you had just said before in this post:

I think I have got too much into my head at times ... exploration ... thinking tends to degenerate into asking, ‘why?’ Asking ‘why?’ tends to go on forever.

Now I think this is exactly the kind of thing that you are trying to avoid. Where is the risk involved in evaluating and calculating all the time whether each and every action is sensible or not? This is not the ‘boots and all’ approach at all but a life carefully being measured all the time by the identity. I say you’ve got to jump in boots and all and do it whether it feels safe or not. Then the shit hits the fan, do you see what I mean? Gary to No 13

Actualism is such an eminently sensible method that I find it surprising that so many people seem to scoff about it. I know it works from my own experience. All of it is so simple and obvious. I too feel I can confirm and validate all that Richard writes about. It struck me with renewed clarity on my drive home from work yesterday, after having a simply excellent day, that the actualism method of asking oneself ‘How am I experiencing this present moment of being alive’ is so simple yet so powerful.

Everything is contained in that question. If I am experiencing anything less than excellence and perfection in my life at that moment in time, then that is simply something to investigate and look into to find what is keeping me from experiencing the perfection and purity of life in this physical universe. While ‘I’ can never be perfect, life on this earth the way it is with people the way they are is already perfect. Life is not a grim joke, or a ‘shit sandwich’ (and every day you take another bite!) as I used to think. Gary to Peter

I like the expression too. I took a definite risk lately and spoke my mind plainly on something that was troubling me about my work. It involved challenging a supervisor on a particular practice. I knew I was sticking my neck out quite a bit but I said ‘what the hell’ and did it anyway. It would have been the safe thing to avoid the controversy, but I could not. I was definitely swimming against the stream, but I am glad now I did it. I stuck to my guns in the matter and saw the supervisor react in a defensive and arbitrary mode. The old Gary would have played it safe and been humbly obedient, following the suggestions of the Wise One. I can’t go back to that now. Gary to Peter

Unlike yourself, I cannot say with any degree of certainty that it gives my partner any pleasure to hear the words ‘I love you’ out of my mouth. I have never asked her about it. My dropping of the word ‘love’ as a term of endearment came at a time when I opened up to experiencing the corresponding passions associated with the word.

It has also been this way with other words such as hope and trust, for example. I have gradually found that these words have disappeared from my parlance the more interested I became in examining precisely what I meant when I used these words. For instance, if I meant to say to someone in a letter ‘I hope everything is well with you’, just exactly what was going on? There seemed to be simultaneously a desire to have things be a certain way with this other person, the expectation that they would be that way, and also fear, doubt, and insecurity that they might not be. While the words ‘I hope’ is a common turn of expression, I felt myself to be stymied and chained to the universe of feelings and emotions that they sought to express. In order to free myself from the underlying passions they expressed, dropping the word from conversation seemed a sensible step in the right direction, but by no means the only step. It has been that way with the word ‘love’.

At the present time, it would appear to me to be a cruelty to stir up a passion in another human being that you did not share yourself. Why would you want to do such a thing? It would be one thing if you yourself partook in the sweet and tender emotions conveyed in expressing love to her, but it would be most hypocritical to my way of thinking if you were not a participant in the same emotions. For me personally, it is not so much the words that are expressed that are the important thing here as the underlying instinctual passions that they convey. One can have access to these passions whether or not one is using the word.

No, I think it is almost the other way around, if I understand your question. The important thing is examining and experiencing the passions and instincts that are conveyed by the word ‘love’. By experiencing these passions, one is certainly not working on a conceptual understanding, but loosening the hold that the particular emotion has on one. This is a matter of experiencing the feelings, not intellectualizing them or conceptualizing them. I may not speak the words ‘I love you’ to experience the emotions that the words convey, such as pity, sympathy, warm affection, devotion, sexual desire and attraction, etc. For me personally, dropping the word ‘love’ from my close relationships did not spell the end of the passion of love and attraction, it simply for me became an act of caring for my fellow human beings not to ensnare and entwine them, bind them to me in what the poets describe as ‘love’s embrace’.

Yet this ‘pleasure’ that you speak of, is it not associated with enormous pain and sorrow? I need only look at my own life to see the depth of the passions subsumed under that one word ‘love’ along with the incredible heartbreak, despair, and abject sorrow, as for instance when love has been lost. I do not see it as a pleasure that I am withholding from another, but a tie that binds. If I wish to bind another to me, then I tell them I love them as well as demand their sympathy, support, and encourage their dependency.

I think in Actualism we are realizing that one cannot have the tender emotions without the savage emotions. They go hand in hand. In discussing love, people are apt to deny that affection and love have corresponding down-sides, and it is particularly fashionable to dress up Love in a heavenly or divine guise, and so speak of a Love that transcends its common, everyday expression in human affairs.

Yet one cannot pick up the newspaper nor watch the TV news without seeing first hand the mayhem that the instinctual passions are impelling, as humankind continues to be locked in a death-struggle.

Well, enough for now. Thanks for writing. Gary to No 38

It seems to me that you are well on your way to investigating what stands in the way of perfection.

I can well relate to what you write as I have had these experiences myself many times. I find it interesting what pushes me to become ‘overtired’, as you say and I think the condition of ‘overtiredness’ results in many unhappy consequences oftentimes, including aggression, anger, moodiness, etc. Speaking personally, the overtiredness results from my social identity, that part of ‘me’ that relates to my ambitions, my aspirations, my ‘work ethic’, my compulsive need to be busy, etc, etc. The further I delve into the social identity, the more I run into beliefs and ideals that ‘I’ try to live by, like ‘You’ve got to keep your nose to the grindstone’ or ‘You’ve got to work hard and be a success’ and other like statements. These inner beliefs sometimes almost take the form of parental admonitions to do such and so. I can almost hear my parents saying these things inside my head sometimes.

To give a personal example, when I am tired, often I just want to be left alone and I tend to isolate myself. But a more basic question is why am I pushing myself to get into this state of being overtired in the first place? Many people, including myself, have very busy jobs where there are almost constant demands on ‘my’ time and ‘my’ attention. I find that there is a part of me that craves this constant busyness but there is a downside too in terms of exhaustion, moodiness, and other negative states, what most people call ‘stress’ or ‘burnout’.

I can add to the states that you mentioned – like feeling physically crowded, certain noises, certain temperatures, etc- that sometimes I feel uncomfortable with people coming up behind me: I sometimes feel cornered, especially when I think that people are sneaking up on me.

I think these are basically emotional reactions that stem from the primitive survival mechanism of the human creature, in this case ‘me’. I think the old ‘flight or fight’ survival instincts are being triggered, sometimes by emotional memories. It may not be an actual conscious memory of something but it may be non-verbal. I think for instance my uncomfortableness with other people touching me has to do with the emotional memory system pertaining to physical touch. Many people, including myself, were touched in some very hurtful ways, and all these experiences are in the emotional memory centre and can be triggered by things, which seem to have no connection to what is going on in the present moment.

I think the important thing to realize is that these are emotional reactions, and as such they can be investigated and pumped further for information about yourself and how you react emotionally and what makes you tick. We have often talked on this list about the difference between ignoring or suppressing an emotional experience and experiencing one’s emotions and feelings. With further practice and dedication to the method of actualism, these reactions clearly diminish in strength and intensity.

In short, what I am trying to say is that, in my experience, there is always a primitive ‘self’ behind emotional reactions, and this is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak, and it requires the ‘nerves of steel’ to stick with your investigations into the instincts. Obviously you have to find ways of dealing with feeling ‘very aggressive and violent’, as you put it in your own words.

When that happens to me, I have to examine very closely what is actually happening in the situation. When I look into it further, I find that there is no actual threat to ‘my’ survival, I only think or imagine that I am threatened. Strong emotions of fear and aggression really cloud a person’s judgement of what is really happening in any given situation.

Given that there is no real threat, I may have to find other ways of dealing with these emotions and feelings. A hot bubble bath might help or a walk in the woods. Anything to keep you from reacting in a knee-jerk manner to the upset of the moment and getting back to being happy and harmless as soon as you can should work just fine. Of course, some things that I used to do are not helpful at all, like sedating myself with chemicals or praying and hoping for relief. Often though just the simple realization that there is something that is taking me away from enjoying the present moment and that that ‘something’ is in me and is ‘who’ I think I am, but that this ‘me’ is not what I am. Nobody can change that but me.

Nobody is getting in the way of my happiness and harmlessness but ‘me’ and this is where I crank up my pure intent to be free forever from the pernicious identity that inhabits this flesh and blood body. Gary to No 41

I was thinking on the way home from work tonight what a fascinating and intriguing process it is to practice the actualism method and bring awareness to all of your moments of being here. It is well worth the effort and diligence that it takes to apply the method.

This morning I was feeling a bit prickly and was interested in knowing why. I was able to trace the feeling of annoyance to simply feeling overwhelmed with the multitude of tasks I had to perform today and little time to accomplish them all. Yet it was a distinctly satisfying experience to realize that I completed all my allotted tasks and did the best I could under the circumstances. As I bring awareness to each and every one of my encounters, behaviours, and interactions with others, I discover some extremely interesting things about ‘me’. Whatever feeling or emotion comes up is available for scrutiny, examination, and ‘digging into’. I thought of someone’s advice to apply the method to interactions with various types of people and find out what you are aware of (I think it was Vineeto). For instance, how do I feel when I am in the presence of women ... how does that differ from my feelings when with a man, or a particular type of man. How do I feel about religious people? Do I have sexual feelings and towards whom? All these types of questions are extremely interesting to look into and it is very different to be aware of one’s experience instead of just taking it for granted or leaving it unexamined.

I also think that our fundamental resentment as human beings of being here – being born and being in this world- as the resentment has been identified – underlies much of malcontent, misery, unhappiness, and ineffectiveness that many people experience.

Perhaps I should speak of myself here. One can be perfectly aware of one’s tendency to feel sorry for oneself, ‘bitch’ or grouse about various injustices, and just plain be unhappy and discontent. Many of times in my own experience I am able to identify that I am simply resentful about having to be where I am at the time and doing what I am doing. This morning it went like this ‘Poor me, I have so much to do ... when will I ever get it all done?’

The pay-off is being able to sweep away all the garbage that awareness has brought to light, once one has identified that it is ‘me’ or ‘I’ that is making me unhappy and potentially harmful, nobody else. So, with the actualism method, one is actually doing the process of change, not merely talking about it. One can talk about irrevocable change until the cows come home but unless and until one actually changes, it is all theoretical. How do you know you have changed – ask yourself the question honestly and with the utmost sincerity – ‘How am I experiencing this present moment of being alive?’ The answer will astound you sometimes. Gary

While you mention difficulty differentiating between sensuousness and the affective feelings, I am not sure what the precise difficulty is. It might help if you could mention more about what is difficult. While you stated that the differentiation is difficult, you then stated that you have been noticing how you feel. It makes me wonder if you only sometimes notice how you feel while at other times you are not noticing it – and the same thing with sensory perception.

It helped me quite a bit to read Richard’s article ‘Attentiveness and Sensuousness and Apperceptiveness’. As the article indicates, it all becomes clearer as one goes along. It seems like since I read the article, I was a lot clearer on not only terminology, but the vast difference between clean perception from the senses, the affective feelings, and thoughts. The other thing you mention is the ‘swept away’ experience, and I have certainly experienced this myself. But I find that the frequency with which this happens is much diminished. I also find that feelings and thoughts arise in the heart/head, but then I do not feed into these to the extent that I used to – they are ‘nipped in the bud’. It has so happened that I do not allow my feelings to be the arbiter of my actions and conduct, nor do they influence my decisions as much as they used to. I guess what I am saying is that your ‘fears, hopes, and beliefs’ do not have to put you on a roller coaster ride.

The thing that is critical is to practice unrelenting attentiveness, moment by moment. This actually gets easier to do with time. Another thing I will mention in this regard is something that Peter advised me to do quite a long time ago: look to your incremental successes in the use of the method, record these, and pull them out to remind yourself from time to time. Affective feelings seem to have a kind of inertia, so that if you can avoid getting caught in a tail-spin in the early phases of experiencing particular emotion or passion, it is easier to prevent it from snow-balling than pulling yourself out of a full-blown tailspin later. At least, that has been my experience.

I need a little clarification here. Are you deliberately ‘enhancing the negative’ or do you find that this is a by-product of what you are doing?

I find myself wondering whether you are really getting to the taste of the instinctual passions. The flavour I am getting from your comments here are that there are a lot of ‘shoulds’ and shouldn’ts’ going on on a thought level that are probably a reflection of a suppression process going on. I certainly can relate to having my doubts about the method along the way or wondering am doing it the ‘right way’, even to the extent of ‘what’s the matter with me?’ type questions. But what I have found is that once the taste of the instinctual passions comes, they are so intense, so sudden, and so clear that there is literally no avoiding them or stepping out of the way. This is not at all a conscious process of enhancing the negative feelings. What I am describing comes as a result of first stripping away the layers of beliefs and demolishing one’s social identity. This then leaves the primitive instinctual passions undiluted by societal values, judgements, and morals. One needs to literally sit in these feelings, neither expressing nor suppressing the feelings. The repeated experience of having this happen weakens the psyche – the alien identity that lives it’s parasitic existence in this flesh-and-blood body, and eventually creates the momentum that leads to self-immolation. At least that is the way I presently understand it.

However, realizations can also be a trap – just make sure you don’t get trapped in a trap.

If you have strayed the ‘wide and wondrous path’ it doesn’t sound like you have done so to any greater or lesser degree than anyone else. I consider myself to be a die-hard Actualist. I’ve never wanted to go back or even seriously considered returning from whence I came, not that it would be possible anyway. It is such a fascinating process – there are thrills and chills every step of way, to be sure, ... the roller coaster calms down eventually. Gary to No 37

I had no idea the influence actualism would turn out to have on me, but I knew I would have to start from scrap, so what I read hit me like a ton of bricks. And so once again I was back with my fear of public places, although it had somehow lost intensity along the way (maybe because while practicing Dianetics, or being spiritual, I had interacted with a lot of people and in different places)… but this time most of my fears did not disappear as fast as when I had adopted different beliefs; instead of neglecting this time I was actually looking at/into and being fear (and not in the romantic Krishnamurtian way).

That’s why actualism was so hard for me to begin with, especially the first couple of months … I would even try to make it into a belief system, but this never lasted, and so it seemed that actualism was worsening my condition instead of making me free of it.

Most of the things I read sounded very true, however, this would not make me feel any better … I tried the first months applying as much of actualism as I could ... but it wouldn’t seem to work. I would then read more and more carefully, and try to apply it again, but still I could not make anything radically new happen.

Until it finally ‘clicked’ that I was not really applying actualism, to be happy and harmless, but rather applying what I felt, or wanted, actualism to be (what it seemed to be) and this had nothing to do with actualism.

I wanted a quick relief, like with my previous getaway beliefs, and I did not want to work for it nor did I want to be subjective about it … because it hurts. I know for a fact now that becoming free of the human condition does not occur by just reading what others have to say, then wishing for it to be true, and then feeding off this faith; or thinking that some energy will eventuate because of the knowledge I accumulate. It really has been, and sometimes still is, very hard work, and very personal … but it is paying off. <snip>

It seems a little tricky at first, doesn’t it? I am still relatively new to actualism, so read what I write with a critical eye, but I will gladly share my experience so far. I started asking myself that question without any results whatsoever; I mean, I always felt sad/angry/bored/desperate/reasonably happy, and I knew the reason for it too, but then what? I would get frustrated! Then I would ask the question while being frustrated and see the reason for that also…it was because I asked this question without any result that I got frustrated.

And then I would get really mad! So on and so forth… One day I found out that my intention while asking HAIETMOBA was of the attitude ‘I am going to ask this stupid question, again and again, until I can prove to myself that it doesn’t work’ (I was very sceptical at times because of past experiences). After realizing how silly this was I changed from having a negative intention to having no intention at all.

Meaning that I would just ask the question… and so I would just get an answer.

It was not until I understood the importance of asking the question with a definite intent that I began to progress. And this intent has become increasingly less self-centred as the days go by…thus I feel closer to what actualists call ‘pure intent’ than I ever have; I am regaining my naiveté and at the same time, as soon as I ask the question, I feel excitement…I feel more here, more now, and it is so much easier to live this way. Finally, truly experiencing with what feeling I am experiencing this moment of being alive; and if it’s not a good feeling, why do I prefer it to happiness? All I have left to say is that the question is just as important as the reason for asking it.

If I made any blunders I am sure someone with more experience will clear them up. No 47 to No 45

I have read some of your recent mails with interest. What interests me that you have not remembered any PCE but you are still able to use the actualism method successfully. I find that most of the time when I ask the question ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive’, I get the answer as happy and I don’t know what to do next. As I understand from some other correspondence that I should raise the bar to feeling excellent. But I don’t know what does feeling excellent mean. I never had a PCE, so I can’t treat that as the next level. So looks like I am stuck here.

Yesterday I resolved a major anxiety that arose whenever I tried to sort things out i.e. clearly identify the feelings and see the context. This has been a major hurdle and I think that this is a major breakthrough (this could be one of ‘my’ tricks to save myself). So, as it is, though I enjoy being here most of the time – I still have some major hiccups to be taken care of and the progress is only recent. I would term my experience as ‘feeling good’ – just to be tentative.

I have had some experiences of late that are purely sensate and I am still wondering how to classify these experiences: they are sensate delight, I saw the fall colours and the thin space in the three dimensional purview, the affect was mostly absent (however it came back albeit very powerlessly when I tried to sort out what was going on), carefree, worriless, most of the stuff I read in the web-site seems obvious, and when I asked if this is what I wanted – the answer was not exactly that this is my destiny but it will be great to have this (I suspect that there might have been still a thin veneer of the affect; next time I will try to find out more).

In other words, I still have some work to do before I come to raising the bar issue you have.

Having said that, addressing your question: if you get the answer as happy, then you have the moment to be enjoyed – there are plenty of things you can do to enjoy the moment – including contemplation. When you say ‘I don’t know what to do next’ – I suspect that there might be some thin negative feeling hidden there (I am only going by my experience, I can be totally wrong when trying to apply to you).

Have you read about ‘stark reality’ ( ../actualism/peter/selected-writings/fear.htm is one instance) ? It is one of the powerful tricks ‘I’ have up my sleeve to save ‘myself’ from extinction. Or something I have read from Vineeto/Alan’s writings about how they found that fear underlying their answer of ‘no feeling’ (of course you are saying that ‘you are happy’ so this case is slightly different, but see if this helps to dig deeper, I can’t get the link in the site).

In addition, can I ask you if say, in the past 3 months, how much of the time you were feeling happy and harmless? that would be a good measure. If the answer is 24/7, I would go about to finding ways to induce PCEs (some tips as to doing that are in the web-site; also tips on inducing delight etc.). Because all this is fun!

Having said that I must admit that actualism (even just understood intellectually) has made life much simpler and burden free and I am enjoying life in any case.

You mean to say that you haven’t put it to practice in eradicating any of the deterrents (beliefs and feelings) to happiness and harmlessness? Intellectual understanding helped me undo a bit of my spiritual heritage but not until I put it into practice (I used tips such as memory of feeling good, will, obsession to overcome some massive hurdles) and reaped the benefits – real change started happening. But of course, your case seems to be different (as you had said in previous mails that you were reasonably happy and harmless – which wasn’t the case for me at all; funnily the ‘self-image’ I had of myself, say 18 months ago when I came to the list, was totally wrong as it was a product of so many denials and only after digging deep I could see all the stuff I was denying).

See if this makes sense... anyways, nice to mail-converse with you as this made me think about the next stage :). No 33 to No 4

If you are asking how to INDUCE a PCE, how to HAVE a PCE, I would tell you to be happy, harmless and use HAIETMOBA? If you are not happy, ask yourself why not. Use your memory to find out what has very recently happened that made you feel less than happy and harmless. If you absolutely cannot pinpoint anything that caused the change, ask Vineeto or Peter or Richard what to do.

This was really, really difficult part for me. It has taken me a lot of time to figure out this simple step. Yes it is very simple now... but it wasn’t so simple before because of many factors, some of which I list below:

1. Dissociation: when something went wrong, I unknowingly used to distance myself from the feeling and say ‘It is fear... how does it feel, how would I describe’; though I was sincere and really wanted to get an understanding of the experience (and possibly solve it to become happy & harmless again), the dissociation or viewing it as separate from me wasn’t conducive to investigation (it was confusing and I was lost in the labyrinth and forgot my purpose often). Keep it simple advice (from Peter I think) worked for me.

2. Beliefs that come in the way of investigation: Hidden in me were beliefs that it can’t be done, it can’t be this simple, how can you find the exact trigger amongst the myriad of fast moving processes – these prevented me in conducting the investigation sincerely and consistently.

3. Objections & Doubts: suddenly all the progress would be negated by an insurmountable doubt; I would say Richard is right mostly, but he is wrong in some stuff or I would ‘feel’ that the whole thing is meaningless. This would consume me so much that it was quite difficult to notice this early, nip it in the bud and get back to feeling happy & harmless.

4. Finding wrong answers and the defeatist argument: As though I really didn’t want the method to work, half-mindedly, I would find out some cause and not fully convinced would prove myself that it is all not possible.

Keep it ambiguous... but after I got some hang of the method, I found that digging deeper found the trigger and once I found it, I know it! takes some patience and perseverance and the confidence born out of successes (yes, not ‘faith’ or ‘belief’, but the ‘success’ – I know the difference now because I have done both!). No 33 to No 50

It occurred to me today that for the last 6 weeks or so, that most of my ‘days off’ work that I spend much of the day in a on and off again selfless experience. It does not happen as much at work (it is easy to let ones attentiveness slip at work), but it happens there too on a daily basis now. What has been the key? Funny, its very simple. I now no longer engage in any ‘personal growth’ work besides actualism. No meditation, no Sedona method, no Emo-clear emotional integration, no praying, no chanting, no church attending, etc...

I just attend to my experience of the moment and investigate my psyche and the self is starting to wilt. It is the simplicity and focused nature of actualism that eventually leaves the self with ‘nothing’ to do. I notice that going outside for a walk (particularly in the woods) now ‘automatically’ induces at least an excellence experience and sometimes a PCE. Now that spring is starting in Michigan and I’ll be outdoors more, I think some major ‘breakthroughs’ of self-diminishment will be occurring. This is not to say that anxiety, sadness, and anger don’t happen anymore, but they do not stay around as long as they used to. When the bright light of awareness is shined on them they are like an ant caught in the focused light of a magnifying glass in the sun.

They ‘burn’ up in due time. My worldly/ spiritual cynicism is wearing down and I’m gaining more and more excitement (even being thrilled) of living each new day. I never thought it would be possible to live like this with all the pain this body is in. I would have thought the pain would have to go to be happy, but amazingly that seems to not be the case.

*

Oh, and while abandoning all spiritual beliefs is what got the ‘ball rolling’ for me, it is the clear seeing through of the folly of love that has the actualism process steamrolling through my identity. It seems my recent divorce is a blessing in disguise; for I always held back my practice of actualism thinking she needed ‘my’ love.

Depersonalization ... here ‘I’ come (or ‘go’ really). As an aside, I now find it near impossible to be ‘serious’ about much anymore.

Considerate, caring, sincere yes, serious, no. No 66, 22.3.2005

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