ALAN: Richard, how did you discover ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive’? It is absolutely marvellous – there is no way ‘I’ can escape it. If I am not completely satisfied with where I am now, ‘I’ am trying to achieve something which is not here and now, so it is unachievable. It appears one must remain absolutely vigilant – keep asking ‘What am I experiencing in this moment of being alive?’ Watch the answer. Do not make any effort to puzzle it out, just watch the answer. Keep asking and watching and something will come up. At the very moment you start to think something like ‘Well that’s it, I got here, there is no need to say it any more’ or ‘What is the point of saying this’ or ‘this is boring’ or ‘what does it mean’ or ‘what am I supposed to answer’ – that is the time you just need to keep on going. I know, I have been through them all (and there are plenty more variations) ... ... I tell you, the sound of one hand clapping is a piece of cake compared to this ... ... You must discover you, by yourself, and what an exciting discovery waits to be made. The sooner you start the better. So, right away, ask yourself, ‘How am I feeling at this moment of being alive’ and keep on asking, every moment. If one perseveres, the least that should be achieved is living in happiness for 99% of the time and that is not a bad reward, for a bit of effort and diligence ... ... How am I experiencing this moment of being alive? Why as it always has been and always will be – absolutely perfect. After all, how can it possibly be anything else. May 1998

ALAN to Respondent No. 3: I have been following your correspondence with Vineeto with interest and thought I would write to you further, with some of my own thoughts and experiences on ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive’, which might be of use to you, or others.

When I first started, I had incredible difficulty remembering the question and would drift off into other thoughts at every opportunity. Loads of objections would come up. Then I went through a stage of attempting to understand intellectually – concentrating on ‘how’, who was this ‘I’, what was ‘experiencing’ etc. It is an extremely useful tool, when used diligently, for discovering what is stopping one enjoying this moment and uncovering emotions and beliefs, as Vineeto described so well in her last mail to you.

After a short time I was able to have the question running as a sort of automatic continuous exercise. I also found it important to remember that the object of the exercise is to live this moment, not to understand, or interpret it. It is a fine line between examining emotions and beliefs and getting lost in a ‘head trip’. I wrote this at the time: – A sudden realization. If I am not completely satisfied with where I am now, ‘I’ am trying to achieve something which is not here and now, so it is unachievable. It appears one must remain absolutely vigilant – keep asking ‘What am I experiencing in this moment of being alive?’ Watch the answer. Do not make any effort to puzzle it out, just watch the answer. Keep asking and watching and something will come up, as above. At the very moment you start to think something like ‘Well that’s it, I got here, there is no need to say it any more’ or ‘What is the point of saying this’ or ‘this is boring’ or ‘what does it mean’ or ‘what am I supposed to answer’ – that is the time you just need to keep on going. I know, I have been through them all (and there are plenty more variations).

I tell you, the sound of one hand clapping is a piece of cake compared to this.

Perhaps another way of putting it is that at some stage you have to shift the question from the front burner to the back burner, so it becomes an experiential, rather than an intellectual exercise, all the while keeping it available, like a searchlight, to illuminate anything stopping one living this moment. It is also easy to fall into a zombie, or stuck, period, which Vineeto and I have been discussing. ‘I’ have plenty of tricks and ploys to stop me being ‘here’ and what you find to be stopping you will be different from what I or anyone else finds. And is that not the marvellous thing – only you can discover you. You are completely responsible – no one else can tell you what to do. 9.1.1999

RESPONDENT No. 4: I have been pondering on this issue of what is fact and what is belief. I understand that ‘I’ is not a fact. I also understand that the moment just passed by is no more a fact.

The moment to come by is not yet fact. So the only fact is this very moment. I sometimes, for a second, come very close to ‘getting/experiencing’ these facts. But otherwise it remains an intellectual understanding. I use to think that once you ‘get’ these things, it can no more go back to plain intellectual understanding. But this seems to be happening with me. What is your experience on this ?

ALAN: Good question. Vineeto put it well when she said it was like the rungs of a ladder disappearing, as one climbs up. My own experience is that if one ‘gets’ a fact, there is no going back – the belief has disappeared, gone, finished, done with, ceased to exist, it is no more – it is an ex-belief (or was it parrot?)

Your understanding that ‘I’ am not a fact was something I commented on ‘getting’ in my last post. Like you, I agreed and ‘understood’ that ‘I’ am not a fact – ‘I’ am a belief – and ‘I’ fervently believe in ‘myself’. But, getting this fact is a bit like going straight for the 64,000 dollar question – maybe you have some ‘easier’ beliefs you could work on first? Not that I would wish to dissuade anyone from jumping straight in – the ‘boots and all’ approach, as Richard calls it. It is just that, from my recent experience, this is such a whammer, so earth shattering a realization, that it is probably the equivalent of a novice climber deciding his first climb is to be Mount Everest!

There is also the point that Peter made in his mail to me dated 1 March:

RESPONDENT No. 4: However, as the aim is to come here and be happy and harmless, one always has an immediate goal and aim every moment – to be as happy and harmless as one can possibly be right now. ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ is the key to firstly ascertaining how one is doing relative to one’s aim in life and, if necessary, finding out what is inhibiting my happiness, in this moment. This gives ‘me’ something to do – ‘I’ clean myself up as much as possible by rigorously and remorselessly examining all the beliefs that constitute the Human Condition – all the truths and Truths that form my social identity, and the instinctual behavioural patterns that blindly run ‘me’. This process, if undertaken with a pure intent, will inevitably lead to a state of Virtual Freedom. One then goes to bed in the evening knowing that one has had a perfect day, and knowing that tomorrow, without doubt, will also be a perfect day. Unless one is willing to contemplate being happy and harmless, free of malice and sorrow, 99% of the time – then forget the whole business. One is back aiming for some ‘pie in the sky’, some miracle event to ‘make it all better’. And the Sannyas list was an eye opener as far as that was concerned. When offered an alternative to ‘getting out of it’, such that being happy and harmless became one’s aim in life – none were interested in this aspect; peace on earth got a similar response, living with a companion in peace and harmony hardly raised a murmur. Nobody believes that it is possible to be happy and harmless in the world as-it-is, on earth, here, now, as a flesh and blood body. This is, after all, the core of Ancient Wisdom – the sacred and inviolate centre-piece of the Human Condition.

ALAN: I have much experience of both ‘trying’ and ‘waiting’ to be ‘here’ – both lovely excuses for ‘me’ not to do anything about actually being here.

You mentioned writing down what was happening. I found this of incredible benefit and it will be even more so if you decide to post it to this list – ‘I’ can get in quite a funk when ‘I’ realize ‘I’ will not get away with any of ‘my’ usual crap here.

Once you ‘get’ something, it is so blindingly obvious, so glaringly simple, so obviously so, that one feels almost foolish that one could have believed it up until now. And it then becomes just a vague recollection that one previously felt like this.

Take ‘my’ previous belief that there was a mummy or a daddy, or a Big Mummy or Big Daddy, who was watching over one, somehow going to put everything right in the end. I know I used to feel like that but I am no longer able to remember the feeling – I know that I am on my own in this, it is up to me and me alone to sort myself out. Because of this realization, I also know that I can do nothing to change another – it is their life and entirely up to them how wisely or foolishly they live it. This frees me to live my life as I choose and allows the other to choose how to live their life. This does not mean I do not consider that I can have an effect on others – but there is no affective demands which I put on them. Writing this post may have an effect on No. 4 or another reading it – but I have no feelings about whether it does or not. There is no desire to convince the other – there is no hidden agenda.

All I, or anyone, can do is to share our experiences and, sometimes, another will recognize a belief that they hold and perhaps question its validity. But the beliefs which No. 4 encounters and how he deals with them will be different (though there will be similarities) from those encountered by me or anyone else. It is the discussion of these differences, and similarities, which make it all so fascinating. It is, however, Alan who must make the discoveries for Alan, No. 4 who must make the discoveries for No. 4 and Vineeto who must make the discoveries for Vineeto. And is not this delicious – relying on no other, be it guru, Richard, Big Mummy or Big Daddy – this is my life!

I have got a bit off the question, though it is a bit related. I can do no better than finish with a quote from Richard’s Journal:

Richard: The moment one sees a ‘truth’ for what it is – a belief – one finds that it has already disappeared because of the seeing, leaving nothing behind, except perhaps a vague memory that one once thought like that. The disappeared ‘truth’ seems like a bit of a dream ... was it actual? The next ‘truth’ – because that is how one has learnt to call beliefs – automatically presents itself in the normal course of one’s daily life. One cannot but welcome it, because one’s life becomes clearer and cleaner and more pure. This ‘seeing’ is pure awareness, based upon pure intent born out of the peak experience. It is not an intellectual ‘seeing’, nor is it emotional ... passions play no part in becoming free. Passions are only needed for defending one’s belief in the status-quo. With pure seeing one becomes more and more fascinating, once one has the ‘knack’ of it. Life itself becomes a wondrous experience. Richard’s Journal, Article 6

 15.3.1999

MARK: Welcome to the actual freedom list.

My name is Mark, and I have been using the actual freedom ‘method’ for about 8 months and was prompted to comment by your question about a guide as to how to do it by people for whom the method is working, and I include myself in that category. I would like to comment on some other of your enquiries as your interest in becoming happy and harmless is plainly more than idle curiosity.

RESPONDENT No. 15 (P/V): What are the questions if you actively challenge your beliefs, feelings, emotions and instincts. How to deal with them. How can you ‘see’ through them all. If one has dismantled one belief than all the others can be too in the same way or no

MARK: When one actively challenges a belief one has, or feeling or emotion, it is not that there is an exact map or way to do it. One takes the subject and puts it under the microscope, so to speak. For me personally, love was one of the first things to collapse under serious scrutiny. I asked myself ‘what is this thing that I call love’? I thought that my definition of love (and we all – as selves have a different definition) was to be ‘giving’, ‘emotionally supportive’, ‘self sacrificing’, etc. Yet upon closer inspection of my own love life, there where times when my love was not so pure, and if I was a bit more honest I had to admit that my giving nature only extended to where I was receiving in return; and then if I looked a little deeper and was a bit more honest, I had to admit to the fact that ultimately I was really in it for the warm fuzzy feelings, because I wanted sex, because of the desperate loneliness that a human self ‘feels’, to feel important in someone else’s life and to be supported myself in every way. In short, I found that my every motivation for the hallowed, heroic and giving state of love was plainly self serving and cunningly disguised self gratification.

This is an example of actively challenging a belief, the facts of what was ‘actually’ going on made a lie of that which I ‘believed’ about myself and love; so – rather than continue to ‘believe’ a lie, love just disappeared along with the ‘part’ of my identity that was prone to believing that.

And so it goes for all beliefs, emotions, feelings, if one is willing to face the facts and uses facts as a benchmark, one sees that those emotions, feelings and beliefs are not actual but are concocted only in one’s imagination or are programmed via parents, peers, society and religion.

RESPONDENT No. 15 (P/V): * Is there a method of observation.

MARK: Yes! And what a method it is! During the course of daily life, one asks the question ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive’? This a definitive question, that is, it will define for you, your moment to moment state of ‘being’, which is, after all, the self or the identity in action. I know that to most people this looks too simple to be deeply effective in bringing about understanding or change to a human identity. In my journey so far, with this method, I can remember when I first came across Richard’s material, I was attracted to the material because it spoke of annihilation of the ego and of the PCE which I recognised from my own experience, but to question EVERYTHING! and to drop the whole package – soul and all – it just seemed too much!

However, after a while, my fascination with the material and my burning desire for an end to my own inner turmoil made me actually try out the method. What I found as I used this method was that all was not as it seemed in my inner life. Whilst outwardly I professed to be one thing (spiritual, compassionate etc), the agendas and goings on inside me were a totally different story. An example – outwardly I would claim to be very compassionate and would gladly ‘be there’ for friends in their times of trouble and sorrow to empathise with them – comfort and nurture. This would give the ‘impression’, outwardly, that I was a generous and caring person – very good for the social identity and one’s feeling of ‘self esteem’. Now, on the inside, when I asked myself this question ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive’, I noted that certain things were happening, like a certain smug and self righteous feeling of being superior in ‘my generosity’, a certain feeling of having created ‘good karma’ for which ‘I’ would be rewarded for, and just a bit of a feeling that that person now owed me something and that maybe that person would tell their friends how ‘nice’ I am and there would be more popularity – and still I would sit with others and shake my head and bemoan the dishonesty of our politicians and others.

My point here, is that, yes, the self is a ‘can of worms’ (that is to say full of things that may not be nice to look at), and to sort out that mess one needs to get in there and root around, and this method of observation is very effective. I just had the thought that it is a bit like opening the curtains suddenly on someone hiding in the dark doing something they are not supposed to be doing! If then, you find that through these investigations into your experience of being alive uncover aspects of the self that are obvious unfounded beliefs without substance or straight-out lies, then the intelligence (your own) that uncovered this illusion simply no longer believes it any more. One comes to realise that each time a belief is seen for the illusion that it is then a little freedom is attained, life becomes a little less complicated, one’s own intelligence is a little less clouded – in short, the gain in peace and freedom (speaking personally, and the effect on my inner climate and state of general contentment) was obvious and most welcome ... and bingo! one is on the wondrous road to actual freedom.

So, that’s my bit about the beginnings on the journey to actual freedom. Good to talk to you and all the best to you in your investigations. 8.5.1999

I will post this for now and reply further later, as I have to go and do some delightful ‘chores’. 29.4.2000

RESPONDENT No. 2: ‘I’ am learning in ‘my’ own way and this may assist ‘me’ to break free of ‘my’ delusional persistence to exist as an identity separate from everything and everyone. I may get to use this internet more often but I prefer talking...with instant two way feedback probably because ‘I’ feel and think in a conditioned manner to get somewhere more quickly. I am beginning to see that sitting or waiting for the solution to come to me is as good a way as any and I don’t get the quick easy or intellectually clever answer. Eventually all methods are wrong because the method is the solution is the doing, (or not doing).

GARY: I am not really sure what you are saying here and I thought I would question you about it. One of the hallmarks of Actual Freedom as it is talked about on this mailing list is that it is a method that can be communicated intelligently to others who have the verve and vivacity to apply it to changing their lives. In your ‘Anniversary Rave’ post, it seems that you are reaping the rewards of having encountered the method. But in what you wrote (reproduced above) you seem to disparage methods as ‘wrong’. You seem to be saying that the solution, the doing (or not doing) is the thing, not the method. This sounds suspiciously like what I encountered in studying the teachings of Krishnamurti, and what I have encountered as objections to actualism from people influenced by the teachings of K. Personally, I do not hold with that point of view anymore.

RESPONDENT No. 2: No. I don’t either. I am still learning to make myself understood using this written medium. I can not fault AF.

GARY: What do you mean when you write ‘eventually all methods are wrong’? Do you think actualism is wrong? I don’t mean to put you on the spot, but what you say here seems a bit inconsistent with what you write elsewhere, and as you took the time to reply to a previous post of mine, perhaps you will reply to this straightforward question of mine.

RESPONDENT No. 2: No I don’t think actualism is wrong per se for ‘me’ when ‘I’ have a problem that needs addressing ... actualism is an excellent method of dealing with ‘me’ in the most important moment ... in the now ... but ‘eventually all methods are wrong’, simply because when I am in a PCE I have arrived ... there is no other place or time than the present that seems more important.

GARY: Yet the PCE, as I understand it, is a temporary condition in which ‘I’ am held in abeyance. Until final extinction of the psyche occurs, there will be a need, I think, for a method that gives one a practical means of investigating into the ‘me’ that inevitably causes the PCE to dimmer, fade and eventually leave, whether it last for minutes or hours as it does. You say that in the PCE one has arrived. Yes, it has been my experience that in the PCE there is indeed nowhere for one to go or be because one is already living in this actual world of unparalleled bounty and delight. When one has gone through self-immolation, I take it one has no need for any method whatsoever. I am still at a loss to understand why you apparently negate the value of the method of actualism. Perhaps I am misunderstanding what you are saying (?)

Even if you are in a PCE, as evidently you have experienced them, why do you then negate the value of a method that allows one actively to achieve the very state where methods are not needed?

RESPONDENT No. 2: This is not to say that I can not plan, reflect and reason intelligently while in a PCE...

GARY: No, of course not. Even if I am in a PCE, if a car is speeding my way, I am definitely going to jump out of the way!

RESPONDENT No. 2: When things were less than perfect ‘I’ often reacted instinctively which was often just as wrong as ignoring the issue (or wishing, hoping, praying the problem to be resolved). Richard has said something like, I think, (from memory), about sitting on his hands while every fibre in his being was crying out ‘this is the wrong way go back’ and daring do.

GARY: Yes, ‘I’ as in ‘who I think I am’ often react blindly and instinctively in a self-protective, sometimes blatantly aggressive manner. ‘I’ am indeed standing in the way of the perfection and infinitude of the physical universe. But, seeing the manner in which the instincts drive one, feeling it in one’s bones, is the start of eliminating them, isn’t it?

RESPONDENT No. 2: When you are playing the guitar and you let go the theory and the trying you may become more as one with the music?

GARY: The beauty of it is that I don’t really have a theory of playing a guitar. I just play what strikes my fancy. But yes, it goes much better when I am playing just for the sake of hearing the strings sing, feeling my fingers coursing up and down the fret-board, and hearing the delightful tones resonating throughout the room, perhaps at the time of dusk when all is still. It is purely sensory experience.

*

RESPONDENT No. 2: Yes ... I negate the ‘value of method’ when it prevents anyone arriving and being here and now ... which is both the method and the arrival ... which is the happening moment without a ‘me’ behind the steering wheel ... drivers seat ... authority figure ... guru ... god ... mentor ... ego/soul, ... etc.

GARY: Then, I guess my question to you at this point is: might the method of actualism, as communicated in the writings on actualism on this mailing list and on the websites prevent anyone arriving and being here and now? Have you, in your experiences along the way, encountered any impediments whilst using the method of actualism, impediments that might be inherent to the methods themselves?

Just for the sake of clarity, I regard the methods of actualism to be the running of the ‘What is my experience of...’ question, either continuously or intermittently, the dismantling of the social identity along with the spiritual values, and intensive investigation into and eventual elimination of the animal instinctual passions. While there may be other methods extant, these seem to be the main ones.

RESPONDENT No. 2: Is one truly free if one is reliant on the ‘value a method’? If this were so when would ‘I’ stop learning new lessons in order to partake of this perfect already pristine paradise? ‘I’ do not ‘achieve’ this state as ‘I’ might achieve a gold medal in the Olympic games. There are things ‘I’ can do however to facilitate the arrival ... ‘I’ find resistance to freedom diminishes with practice ... until one day there is no more ‘me’ perhaps?

GARY: I will concede that perhaps you are perhaps beyond the point where using any method, however helpful it may have been initially, is of any use. I, on the other hand, have never maintained that I am ‘truly’ (as in actually) free. I find that I still have a need for a method that helps me return to being happy and harmless, even if it is as simple as remembering to run the ‘What is my experience of...’ question. Maybe that sounds a bit like having a crutch, but I am not talking about a method in that sense. It is not like there is a book of instructions that I go to labelled ‘How to be actually free’...first start on page 1, do this that and the other thing, now proceed to Step 2, etc., etc.

Your second question in the paragraph reproduced above, however, is most interesting because it seems to me to point up the whole issue of effort. Is there any effort ‘I’ can make, need to make, in order to partake of the already perfect and pristine paradise that is this actual physical universe? Or is making any effort at all an impediment to one’s arrival here and now? I would appreciate your detailed answer to this question as it seems to be at the crux of the matter.

RESPONDENT No. 2: Yes the instincts are not the enemy ... there is no formula that fits all life ... only inappropriate blind instincts are the problem often backed up by a belief that ‘I am right and you are wrong’.

GARY: Maybe using a method is especially helpful in the beginning of undertaking an Actual Freedom. So far, in the writings on actualism, it is stressed that it is important to read, for instance, as much as possible of the actualism writings, and I have been doing just that. But one doesn’t want to get too far up in one’s head about it, turning actualism into a philosophy to be lived or some type of new belief system. And maybe at some point, maybe extremely early on for all I know, one’s reliance on reading and applying certain practices becomes a hindrance, and one needs to break free of all that and ‘do it’. You seem to be pointing in that direction, no? I would appreciate your comments and thoughts on this matter.

*

RESPONDENT No. 2: The crux for me was not to accept anything as set in stone ... actions followed logically or intelligently not as laid down by ancient religions or failed individuals. Everywhere I looked nobody was happy or harmless. ‘I’ view afresh everything that is stopping me from breaking through to a happier and more harmless moment each moment again. Certainly ‘I’ listen to the experts but ‘I’ remain the judge and jury till the end.

GARY: Back again to your ‘Sherlock Holmes’ method, it is a useful way to conceive of it because it really is a kind of detective work that one is engaged in. In this investigative work, one needs to look deeply at who I think I am , the identity, as the culprit, the one who always sabotages the purity and perfection of the present moment over and over again. I need to understand ‘me’ in all my workings, and I am really like a detective. Actually, sometimes I feel more like the bumbling Dr. Watson (I always did like him a bit more than old Sherlock!). ‘I’ leave fingerprints all over the place, on everything I touch, virtually. All ‘my’ emotional reactions are the signature, the imprint, of the alien entity that inhabits this flesh and blood body. This ‘alien entity’ can, for instance, feel the weepy, teary, mushy emotions when viewing a movie showing a bunny rabbit getting killed, while a moment later cheer in exultation at the gruesome slaying of the ‘bad guys’. Any emotional life ‘I’ have is always contradictory like this. 5.10.2000

GARY: I like the expression too. I took a definite risk lately and spoke my mind plainly on something that was troubling me about my work. It involved challenging a supervisor on a particular practice. I knew I was sticking my neck out quite a bit but I said ‘what the hell’ and did it anyway. It would have been the safe thing to avoid the controversy, but I could not. I was definitely swimming against the stream, but I am glad now I did it. I stuck to my guns in the matter and saw the supervisor react in a defensive and arbitrary mode. The old Gary would have played it safe and been humbly obedient, following the suggestions of the Wise One. I can’t go back to that now. 8.10.2000

GARY to Peter: I read your response to No. 2’s post on ‘Mindfulness’, and I believe I detected a statement incorrectly attributed to him. That statement was:

Respondent No. 2: A method may be useful to a certain point but then one has to fly on one’s own.

In a post to No. 2 I made the following statements:

I’d like to put this business of method to rest for right now. Following methods is of no use at all unless one puts them to practical application. A method may be useful to a certain point but then one has to fly on one’s own. Following a method, if I understand you correctly, can be a way of playing it safe. It then becomes an intellectual, cerebral experience and not the doing of it that is so critical. It is the doing of it that counts, and not the method.

What I meant was that using the method of actualism is useful to a certain point, but when one is totally happy and harmless, there is clearly no need for the method at that time, other than to perhaps inform others of one’s discoveries so they may try it out too.

Whether No. 2 is beyond this ‘certain point’ is not to me to say, but his comments would seem to at least indicate that he thinks so. Perhaps he could comment on it, as you have requested. I had originally written to No. 2, in part, in order to determine what he thought of the method of actualism. I almost got the impression that he felt the method was an impediment to one’s freedom, and I wanted to know what his position is on this, as it sounded to me suspiciously like those adherents of Krishnamurti who decry any method, even the most soundly based, as a creation of thought, and therefore not the new. But I do not believe he is saying that the method in itself is an impediment, just that perhaps for him it did not work past a certain point. What that point is, I will not speculate.

I have found, and still find, that the methods pioneered by the expert and experienced actualists on this list are a great help. When I am having a pure consciousness experience, following a method is redundant, for I have arrived. The method is not abandoned, however, and is picked up again when the savage or tender passions ‘rear their ugly head’. The running of the ‘How am I experiencing the present moment...’ is most helpful at all times. There are some relatively long intervals of time when I am not conscious of running the question, and I find that my attentiveness slips and I find myself again in the soup. Feelings and passions are bleeding through, creating their own brand of havoc. At this point, the method is sorely needed to return one to being happy and harmless. So that is exactly why the method is needed: as I have not self-immolated, there are the occasional disturbances and emotional bleed-throughs that need to be investigated vigorously and thoroughly using the very methods that others have found and applied to themselves.

I wanted to write this to set the record straight on who said what and to whom. 21.10.2000

PETER: The expression I heard Richard use was to ‘keep your hands in your pockets’, meaning be wary of doing something you may regret while in the midst this period of psychological and psychic turmoil. The process can be very confusing and disorienting for one is demolishing one’s own spiritual/ social and one’s instinctual identity – something any good psychiatrist would warn you against and something your priests and Gurus will utterly condemn as being evil. It may be useful to ask questions such as – am I trying to change the other, am I blaming the other, is my reaction considered and considerate or is it thoughtless instinctual? One’s own interactions with others provide a literal goldmine of valuable information as to how the human psyche is socially and instinctually programmed.

GARY: I spoke to No. 7 just awhile ago about a recent experience with fear. There is no need to really go into all of it right now, but in light of what you wrote, the advice to ‘keep your hands in your pockets’ is sensible. I do regret acting unwisely in the situation. I did become somewhat aggressive. I recall the supervisor saying that I was ‘defensive’.

‘I’ have a tendency to blow things up out of all proportion when I have these emotional reactions and it is extremely difficult if not impossible to see my actions clearly. In any event, ‘I’ wanted to run, bolt, or go on the attack. I get like a cornered animal in these situations and it is clearly a matter of the familiar fight-or-flight, adrenalin pumping instinctual reaction.

I take it that, for you, the storms of atavistic fears have subsided, if not left the scene entirely. My question at this point is: what can one do when one is experiencing these instinctual reactions? One’s natural inclination is to flee from the whole thing, or (in the case of aggression) attack the source of the disturbance, an equally destructive reaction.

What is one to do? I mean, I sit in it, looking at it from all possible angles. Of course, it is extremely disturbing when it is happening. I also see the release from the fear, as evidenced by my next day excellent experience, to be an indication that I was doing something right, I’m just not sure what to be exact. So, how does one dig into the savage instincts and really ‘plumb the Stygian depths’? I don’t want to back off of the fear and aggression when it comes up but I am not sure how much of it I can handle – there must be a point where it is perhaps wise to leave it alone and come back to it at a later time. Maybe you can’t really say for sure and that this is where one is on one’s own, there being no way that another such as yourself can really tell one what to do.

Just some questions and some thoughts about the real work that takes place in investigating the instincts. I would be pleased if you would respond. 23.10.2000

PETER: I remember when I first came across Richard, I was fired and enthused by actualism and was in the middle of the many emotional upheavals of leaving spirituality behind.

GARY: I think I can say in retrospect that what I went through recently with fears was another layer in dismantling the social identity and uncovering the instincts. It is not, as you point out, a cool dispassionate business this, and there are bound to be many storms along the way. As I have said before, I have a tendency to make more out of these things than they probably deserve. For instance, I have noticed that it is a distinct tendency of mine to think that I have been terribly angry and offended someone else and when later checking this out with the other person they tell me in no uncertain terms that I did not seem very angry at all and that what happened was hardly worth bothering about.

One can feel the anger yet keep the lid on the feeling, such that one is not imposing upon or offending others, as you pointed out. The instincts of fear and aggression seem at times to be all rolled up in one – hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.

Fear, in my experience, turns so quickly to aggression – although one is ‘keeping one’s hands in one’s pockets’, still the aggressive drive is there, one can feel oneself pulling in, feeling cornered, ready to pounce at a moments notice. At some point, the fear turns to aggression through either a verbal lashing out or lightening quick physical movements. An extremely interesting thing on the actualism path is that one can be aware of and observe these movements of blind instinct without feeding into them, in other words, without carrying them to execution behaviourally. One can be aware of one’s aggression, as in having the hidden desire to wound or lash out at another, without actually doing it. One also sees how one reacts to any instinctual aggression or fear with shamefaced apologies, regretful mutterings, etc., and one can similarly observe the movement of these responses without feeding into them and carrying them to execution.

This is not at all the same thing as the religious and spiritual people practice as in ‘forgiveness’ and ‘turning the other cheek’, which is actually a swinging to the tender and nurturing instincts, or a deliberate suppression or stifling of the aggressive or fearful urges. No, the thing is to investigate and uncover, rather than bringing the process full stop by bringing in spiritual/religious injunctions, guilt, remorse, and swinging to the tender passions.

PETER: But, when you do ‘stuff up’ on occasions, it makes no sense to then berate yourself for it, for this is simply another old taught reaction replete with feelings of guilt, remorse, etc. Stuffing up is inevitable and it provides a wealth of opportunities for ‘self’-observation and investigation.

GARY: Yes, one needs particularly to ‘make friends with oneself’, as Richard pointed out, when doing this work. Berating yourself is only going to make it worse. I notice that I have a particular tendency to berate myself for feeling or displaying anger. This was undoubtedly conditioned into me with such parental admonitions as ‘Don’t you get angry with me, buster!’ Other people I come into contact with seem so uninhibited in their way of venting their spleen, of showing anger or making a big show of how angry they are. I often chuckle to myself because ‘I’ am not like that. But it is interesting, isn’t it, to stand back and realize how completely arbitrary this social conditioning is? I don’t know if ‘arbitrary’ is the right word for it. I mean, ‘I’ could just as easily be some other way based on what I was taught growing up, what values I imbibed from the elders and the tribe. When one stands back and really looks at it, one sees that one is not a unique individual but rather a composite of moral, religious/spiritual values, and ethics that are designed to keep the instincts at bay. One sees that one has taken these things in lock, stock, and barrel without questioning them at all. Of course, all this has been pointed out before, by Richard and others, and is well explained in the material on the website. But when one does begin to intensively question these things, it is not surprising that one is going to incur considerable fear and emotional disturbance, and one should be braced for a difficult, yet exciting and thrilling time. Stuffing up is inevitable, but the rewards on the other side of it are beyond compare. The PCE is the prize, the gold at the end of the tunnel. One has to keep tunnelling, and keep at it with a awesome determination and a pure intent, but the rewards can occur at any point along the way, wherever one finds oneself. 5.11.2000

GARY: Now I think this is exactly the kind of thing that you are trying to avoid. Where is the risk involved in evaluating and calculating all the time whether each and every action is sensible or not? This is not the ‘boots and all’ approach at all but a life carefully being measured all the time by the identity. I say you’ve got to jump in boots and all and do it whether it feels safe or not. Then the shit hits the fan, do you see what I mean? 2.12.2000

RESPONDENT No. 16: Back to beliefs... one of the main ideas I have felt certain of, is that there is a reason for my life here on earth. The new/ old age idea of the higher self planning the life ahead before entering an infant body appeals to me, though I could not say for certain I am convinced of it. But I have felt strongly that I met people when I needed to meet them – that I was ‘meant to’ meet them – and also that I was ‘meant to’ move on. I have had a great many experiences with ‘little coincidences’ occurring very conveniently – too conveniently, for me to ignore. I have come to believe that these coincidences occur in order to ‘wake us up’ ... from Maya, if you will.

GARY: I once felt as you do, that there was some sort of higher ‘meaning’ to my being here, even that some sort of Higher Intelligence, a God or Truth or Light, if you will, was actively planning and pulling the strings in order for me to have these experiences. I felt I could trust in Providence to provide exactly the experiences that I needed to have in order to complete my journey here on earth. I thus felt I was on some sort of Divine Mission, that I was a ‘spiritual being have a human experience’. When I got involved in actualism, I threw all these notions in the trash bin where they belong. I no longer search for the meaning of life, nor do I believe in any Higher Power or Powers, any Divine Intelligence, nor any Gods or Goddesses. I saw that I had been suckered in by all the spiritual talk, by the Holy Ones, like countless human beings down through the ages, to believe in Something Else, something Metaphysical and abstract. I saw that all these spiritual notions served as a sugar-coating, hiding my own malice and sorrow, and that if I ever were to eliminate my own malice and sorrow and find peace and happiness on earth, I was going to have to put on my hip-boots, roll up my shirt-sleeves, and start digging into ‘me’, investigating every belief and feeling that ever I had. I found that it is possible to be happy and harmless right here in this perfect and pristine physical universe living with people as-they-are without believing in all the spiritual claptrap that is out there and is very fashionable nowadays. Again, I would suggest that you read as much about actualism as you can put your hands on to find out for yourself what this radically new and iconoclastic approach is all about. As you say, you are teetering on the edge of giving actualism a go. You can find out for yourself exactly what is on offer and find out if it makes sense for you. Studying, reading, and discussion with others is an inestimable help.

RESPONDENT No. 16: I have also had some personal experiences which have led me to believe in ‘guardian angels’. I don’t know if there is an obvious question here, except to say that my spiritual beliefs are (to me) logical, and deep. I cannot discard them so easily as to tell myself they were just my imagination, a creation of my brain – which is my understanding of what it means to say ‘they are real but not actual’. Can anyone offer some explanation or understanding?

GARY: I don’t know if it is of any help to you or not, but I can say that examining my spiritual values was the first step to starting to demolish the social identity that had been programmed into me in life and that I had been programmed to believe. Speaking for myself, I found that it was not at all difficult to discard spiritual beliefs and ideas once I examined their having absolutely no basis in fact . Discarding spiritual beliefs, however, did occasion fear, as I felt ‘naked’ without them. But I gradually developed confidence and surety that I could live without any belief in a metaphysical realm, without following any Enlightened Figure, without believing in any Grand Scheme or following the teachings of God-men or God-women. I found that I was subject to no eternal damnation for straying from the teachings of the wise ones, that I did not immediately go off the rails, or suffer torment for giving up my cherished beliefs. But I found that I had to do this for myself, I had to take the plunge, urged on by the experiences of others. What is at stake is peace on earth in this lifetime. It is possible ... now.

RESPONDENT No. 16: Thank you all, I really appreciate this forum for discussion.

Thank you for asking. Keep asking questions, it is important. 5.12.2000

GARY: Agreed. Even though I am going through the push-pull of alternating ‘self’-less experiences and the ‘normal’ reality of the instinctual passions, I am positive that actualism works. Every time I run the ‘How am I...’ question, I experience the vibrancy, the energy, the dynamism of being alive right now. It pulls me immediately out of whatever reverie or worry is currently going on in my mind and brings me into the present moment, which is the only moment there is. 15.12.2000

GARY: Recently you wrote on the differences between intelligence and instincts. I am going to continue with my practice of snipping relevant passages and sentences from your post and then responding to those, rather than try to reproduce the entire large post and reply to each and every point. I find that it is bit more manageable for me that way. However, I must say before I do that your recent post was exceptionally well written and powerful. I think you expressed your points with particular clarity and forthrightness. All in all, I found your points have persuaded me to take a long, hard look at just what I think and feel about the whole matter of intelligence as it relates to the instincts. At first reading your post aroused a kind of defensive response in me and I was inclined to respond in a defensive kind of manner, but I decided to wait, think it over more, and really consider what you are saying, ‘chew’ on it a bit more before putting anything down in writing. I also decided, as you suggested, to re-read that portion of your Journal on Intelligence. I recognized immediately that I had read it before, but this time the words took on a different meaning, fuelled in part by my desire to unravel, understand and get to the bottom of this whole thing.

PETER: According to this definition of intelligence human beings have been very intelligent in developing and making weapons. There were three great wars in the last 100 years on the planet, WW1. WW2 and the Cold War.

GARY: This is where the defensiveness set in. I thought I don’t need you to tell me about the appalling brutalities that have been committed in the past 100 years. But rather than persisting in a defensive reaction, and making some kind of defensive retort to your post, some kind of knee jerk reaction, I decided to really try to understand what I was feeling defensive about and why I was feeling that way. There is something about this whole issue that I just have not ‘gotten’, something that has not clicked with me. And it goes way beyond just dealing in the semantics of it – the meaning of words and their usage – and it goes to the heart of the matter. And I must admit – and this is very hard – that I have been mistaken in this: you see, I thought that making and using weapons was an intelligent reaction to a perceived danger from other human beings, but I am reconsidering this.

PETER: In only 50 years, the human ‘ability to learn or understand from experience; ability to acquire and retain knowledge’ resulted in a phenomenal development in devising better and more efficient ways to kill other human beings. However, I see no signs of intelligence in any of this appalling suffering. A fiendish cunning, as in malicious intent, is evident in a development from hand to hand, one-on-one combat to the obliteration of whole countries with the press of a button from armchair air-conditioned comfort, but to call this intelligence is to make nonsense of the word.

GARY: This is the crux of the matter. You see, ‘I’ have been living in fear and I don’t want to admit it nor give up my cherished existence. ‘I’ don’t want to give up my ‘extensive defensive preparations’, for ‘I’ feel naked and vulnerable without them. The simple truth of the matter is that fear is not intelligence. It is the instincts that are killing people around the world, and it is the instincts that make me not only capable of killing but of wanting to kill another fellow human being. I found that in thinking about what has happened in the last 100 years, indeed in all of recorded human history, it has been impossible for me to separate what has happened historically from what goes on on an individual, ‘personal’ level, what takes place inside of this critter named ‘Gary’. I am just another sane, normal human being- and it has been these same sane, normal human beings that have, for the most part, been responsible for the appalling bloodshed that has happened and is still happening. 31.12.2000

RESPONDENT No. 3: How do you go with running the question? Do you have any problems getting the question going again once you have forgotten? Do certain events remind you to start running the question again? Does running the question sometimes reveal nothing?

GARY: I recall long periods of time when I first started with this when the question would not occur to me for relatively long periods of time. These periods would be filled with a particular affective experience, or with imaginative forays into the realm of speculation, daydreaming, and worry. I find this happening less often now. Participating on this list and reading actualism material is one way of remaining current with the running of the question. It simply reminds me that what I am seeking is to be free from the stranglehold of the emotions and passions, which constitute the Human Condition, and that this is only accomplished by the most astute questioning and investigation into ‘me’.

I find that it is important to establish the question firmly in my mind when arising in the morning, as for long years before all this I would arise in the morning with strong anxieties gripping my heart and mind or sometimes with anger and resentment leftover from the previous day. This sometimes still happens but with the running of the question and the resultant investigation into the affects that spoil my enjoyment of the moment, I can more quickly work myself through whatever is getting in the way. So, in answer to your question, I would say that the experiencing of strong emotions of one sort or another is one thing that reminds me to run the question. If I am having an excellent experience, I hardly need to be reminded to run the question – simply enjoy it without all the investigation. These periods are the bonus, the payoff as it were – delighting in being here, enjoying whatever is happening and wherever I am.

Running the question never reveals nothing, in my experience. However, it is sometimes difficult for me to discern exactly what is troubling me, which triggers me to run the question. For instance, one afternoon recently I found myself feeling tense, uncomfortable, and was puzzled as to what was going on. As I continued to investigate into it, I found that I was fearful and worried, and this led to more clearly being aware of the worries and anxieties that were gripping me in the moment.

I guess I would agree with you that my ‘sense of self’ is strongest in the morning.

This is when my day is more apt to be thrown off kilter by some unexamined feeling or affect left over from the previous night or the previous day. It is also the time when I am thinking about my workday, planning my activities, and anticipating the challenges ahead. It is time of day when I am most inclined to worry, have anxiety, or experience other strong emotions. However, perhaps unlike yourself, I am at my most lucid in the morning, and as the day continues, I find my mental faculties declining somewhat. I feel my mind and intelligence are operating more fully in the morning, rather than towards evening. If I get off to a good start in the morning, the rest of the day just falls into place.

If I am fearful, resentful, depressed, etc., then my work is cut out for me and this is where the question starts running almost automatically, without much forethought.

Thank you for your questions, No. 3. They have helped me to think about this matter for myself. 18.3.2001

ALAN to Peter: Peter, I can see why you went searching for something that works to permanently eliminate the ‘but’ from ‘I am happy, but ...’ rather than stay with a teaching whose rules only serve to dismiss the unwanted and undesirable feelings by either suppression or transcendence.

‘When one asks oneself ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ and the answer is ‘I am happy, but ...’, it is the ‘but’ that needs investigating and eliminating. You then just tick them off the list until there are no ‘buts’ left.’ Peter, The Actual Freedom Trust mailing list, No 3, 9.6.2001

GARY: I was thinking about the points raised in this post on my way home from work tonight and thought I would reply.

I remember it was a common saying when I attended Alcoholics Anonymous (let’s see, when was that?) ‘Everything after ‘but’ is Bullshit!’ I remember thinking that this was pretty good advice at the time and I remember quoting that precept myself. But now I have a different opinion of it, and I think it is in line with what both you and Peter are talking about.

I think your point, and Peter’s too, is that everything after ‘but’ is not to be dismissed lightly as untruth or lies but something that needs to be examined and brought to the light of awareness. I may say, for instance, that I am happy – and people do this many times – but then they fill you in on their pet peeve of the day, just in case you happen to have the time to stand around and listen. Even if one does not verbally express their pet peeve or their reasons for being anything but happy and excellent, if one is practising the actualism method of running the question ‘How am I...’, one is aware inwardly at least of having reservations about an outbreak of unrestrained and unreserved happiness and harmlessness.

I think that one is either happy or harmless or one is not. It seems to me that one cannot say that one is ‘a little’ happy or ‘a little’ harmless. However, one may maintain outwardly that one is happy – many people put on the smiley face and sally forth into the workaday world clutching malice and sorrow to their breasts- but if one is honest one can see that there is something else going on at the time. It actually matters little whether one says this to someone or keeps it silent, to him/herself.

As a result of practising actualism, the happiness bar has been raised quite a good bit on me. Now I do not settle as easily for the attitudes, feelings, and emotional states that I used to. I can no longer deceive myself that I am happy and harmless when I am in fact not happy and harmless. The identity or persona plays the game around other people of putting on the smiley face and telling everyone that I am ‘great’ but awareness shows what is standing in the way of my experiencing a life that is second to none. And what is standing in the way of happiness and harmlessness is none other than ‘me’ or ‘I’ or ‘Gary’, the interloper. It always results from a variation of the familiar themes, such as ‘I am worried about such and so...’, or ‘I feel I deserve a vacation right now...’, or ‘I don’t feel that person gave me proper respect (blah, blah, blah)’.

The other thing I have noticed about practising actualism is this: even though I may not be happy or harmless, continued running of the question and continued ‘digging into it’ results inevitably in the reaping of great rewards further down the line. Peter once talked in a post about the importance of writing one’s successes mentally on a big chalkboard and pulling it out to show yourself whenever you are feeling down and out of sorts. I think that is very good advice for a person like ‘me’ who is habitually down on himself. The rewards of actualism are an ever-increasing and incremental freedom from resentment, self-pity, anger in all forms, sorrow, jealousy, aggressiveness – - the list just goes on and on. It is enough to take your breath away and it is priceless. No regret, no recrimination, in short, no emotions or feelings spoiling my day and disturbing my nights.

So this post today is my pocket-endorsement of the method and results of actualism.

GARY: I was thinking on the way home from work tonight what a fascinating and intriguing process it is to practice the actualism method and bring awareness to all of your moments of being here. It is well worth the effort and diligence that it takes to apply the method.

This morning I was feeling a bit prickly and was interested in knowing why. I was able to trace the feeling of annoyance to simply feeling overwhelmed with the multitude of tasks I had to perform today and little time to accomplish them all. Yet it was a distinctly satisfying experience to realize that I completed all my allotted tasks and did the best I could under the circumstances. As I bring awareness to each and every one of my encounters, behaviours, and interactions with others, I discover some extremely interesting things about ‘me’. Whatever feeling or emotion comes up is available for scrutiny, examination, and ‘digging into’. I thought of someone’s advice to apply the method to interactions with various types of people and find out what you are aware of (I think it was Vineeto). For instance, how do I feel when I am in the presence of women ... how does that differ from my feelings when with a man, or a particular type of man. How do I feel about religious people? Do I have sexual feelings and towards whom? All these types of questions are extremely interesting to look into and it is very different to be aware of one’s experience instead of just taking it for granted or leaving it unexamined.

I also think that our fundamental resentment as human beings of being here – being born and being in this world- as the resentment has been identified – underlies much of malcontent, misery, unhappiness, and ineffectiveness that many people experience.

Perhaps I should speak of myself here. One can be perfectly aware of one’s tendency to feel sorry for oneself, ‘bitch’ or grouse about various injustices, and just plain be unhappy and discontent. Many of times in my own experience I am able to identify that I am simply resentful about having to be where I am at the time and doing what I am doing. This morning it went like this ‘Poor me, I have so much to do ... when will I ever get it all done?’

The pay-off is being able to sweep away all the garbage that awareness has brought to light, once one has identified that it is ‘me’ or ‘I’ that is making me unhappy and potentially harmful, nobody else. So, with the actualism method, one is actually doing the process of change, not merely talking about it. One can talk about irrevocable change until the cows come home but unless and until one actually changes, it is all theoretical. How do you know you have changed – ask yourself the question honestly and with the utmost sincerity – ‘How am I experiencing this present moment of being alive?’ The answer will astound you sometimes. 3.8.2001

RESPONDENT No. 32: I notice a recurring theme for me that takes me away from happiness and well-being seems to be when I feel physically crowded, excessively warm, + certain noises (i.e. car alarms, certain people’s voices). I notice I am tense, uncomfortable and feel very aggressive & violent. I don’t notice any beliefs or thought streams outside of wanting the interference to stop. I’m always ripe for an upset when I’m overtired. I really don’t know what beliefs are present outside of the world shouldn’t be like this. Any comments welcome.

GARY: It seems to me that you are well on your way to investigating what stands in the way of perfection.

I can well relate to what you write as I have had these experiences myself many times. I find it interesting what pushes me to become ‘overtired’, as you say and I think the condition of ‘overtiredness’ results in many unhappy consequences oftentimes, including aggression, anger, moodiness, etc. Speaking personally, the overtiredness results from my social identity, that part of ‘me’ that relates to my ambitions, my aspirations, my ‘work ethic’, my compulsive need to be busy, etc, etc. The further I delve into the social identity, the more I run into beliefs and ideals that ‘I’ try to live by, like ‘You’ve got to keep your nose to the grindstone’ or ‘You’ve got to work hard and be a success’ and other like statements. These inner beliefs sometimes almost take the form of parental admonitions to do such and so. I can almost hear my parents saying these things inside my head sometimes.

To give a personal example, when I am tired, often I just want to be left alone and I tend to isolate myself. But a more basic question is why am I pushing myself to get into this state of being overtired in the first place? Many people, including myself, have very busy jobs where there are almost constant demands on ‘my’ time and ‘my’ attention. I find that there is a part of me that craves this constant busyness but there is a downside too in terms of exhaustion, moodiness, and other negative states, what most people call ‘stress’ or ‘burnout’.

I can add to the states that you mentioned – like feeling physically crowded, certain noises, certain temperatures, etc- that sometimes I feel uncomfortable with people coming up behind me: I sometimes feel cornered, especially when I think that people are sneaking up on me.

I think these are basically emotional reactions that stem from the primitive survival mechanism of the human creature, in this case ‘me’. I think the old ‘flight or fight’ survival instincts are being triggered, sometimes by emotional memories. It may not be an actual conscious memory of something but it may be non-verbal. I think for instance my uncomfortableness with other people touching me has to do with the emotional memory system pertaining to physical touch. Many people, including myself, were touched in some very hurtful ways, and all these experiences are in the emotional memory centre and can be triggered by things, which seem to have no connection to what is going on in the present moment.

I think the important thing to realize is that these are emotional reactions, and as such they can be investigated and pumped further for information about yourself and how you react emotionally and what makes you tick. We have often talked on this list about the difference between ignoring or suppressing an emotional experience and experiencing one’s emotions and feelings. With further practice and dedication to the method of actualism, these reactions clearly diminish in strength and intensity.

In short, what I am trying to say is that, in my experience, there is always a primitive ‘self’ behind emotional reactions, and this is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak, and it requires the ‘nerves of steel’ to stick with your investigations into the instincts. Obviously you have to find ways of dealing with feeling ‘very aggressive and violent’, as you put it in your own words.

When that happens to me, I have to examine very closely what is actually happening in the situation. When I look into it further, I find that there is no actual threat to ‘my’ survival, I only think or imagine that I am threatened. Strong emotions of fear and aggression really cloud a person’s judgement of what is really happening in any given situation.

Given that there is no real threat, I may have to find other ways of dealing with these emotions and feelings. A hot bubble bath might help or a walk in the woods. Anything to keep you from reacting in a knee-jerk manner to the upset of the moment and getting back to being happy and harmless as soon as you can should work just fine. Of course, some things that I used to do are not helpful at all, like sedating myself with chemicals or praying and hoping for relief. Often though just the simple realization that there is something that is taking me away from enjoying the present moment and that that ‘something’ is in me and is ‘who’ I think I am, but that this ‘me’ is not what I am. Nobody can change that but me.

Nobody is getting in the way of my happiness and harmlessness but ‘me’ and this is where I crank up my pure intent to be free forever from the pernicious identity that inhabits this flesh and blood body. 9.5.2002

RESPONDENT No. 18: So back to: [is there any relation between your giving up of the marijuana and your focusing on this moment of being alive?] As I see ‘this moment’ as the only moment (there is not coming a next nor was there one before) ‘I’ do not ‘focus’ on this moment as this neither is possible nor is there any need to do so.

GARY: I did do some critical reflection on that word ‘focus’ after I wrote this post. It is probably a poor choice of words in this context, as the word ‘focus’ commonly implies a narrowing of attention to a particular aspect of experience. Whereas the question ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive’ only requires one to answer that question for themselves, not necessarily through a selective process of focusing or filtering input but by bringing one’s attentiveness to what one is experiencing. Let’s say I am driving along past some beautiful scenery, a splendid mountain vista is revealing itself to my sight, yet I am ‘deep in thought’, and due to my thought activity, and perhaps the associated feelings and emotions, completely miss the spectacular view. Then attentiveness and a conscious running of the question brings this to my attention – I have completely missed out on this experience due to being ‘in my head’. It is not really a focusing in this example but it involves something like a re-focusing.

What do you think?

RESPONDENT No. 18: In a way it was a horrible discovery that ‘I’ in this very moment am, have been, was and will be imprisoned there is absolutely no escape from that fact.

GARY: Imprisoned? What do you mean?

RESPONDENT No. 18: Funnily the realization of that or should I say the revelation, came when I was considering wether I was to go out and buy myself some dope, suddenly I felt me actually being me. Not as a frightened alien entity living parasitically in this flesh-body but as a joyful presence simply being here for the very first time this moment ALIVE!

GARY: At one time I found that a little pot, just smoking maybe half a joint, heightened my senses and appreciation, as it elevated a sensory experience, like tasting a good steak, or sex, or whatever. But as in my experience there were so few times I was able to smoke ‘a little pot’, me being inclined to go completely overboard and stupefy myself, I found it best to abstain completely. I realize my experience may not be the same as yours.

It seems like one can have the experience you related above at most any time, and indeed I have myself, suddenly the experience comes slamming home that I am ALIVE! as you say, and ‘simply being here’. 18.6.2002

VINEETO: Actualists have written a great deal about how to apply the actualism method and have shared their experiences as to how to make investigations into beliefs and feelings. You will find it under the links to selected correspondences on the library page of ‘How to Become Free from the Human Condition?’ and also under ‘Affective Feelings – Emotions, Passions and Calentures’.

RESPONDENT No. 30: Thanks Vineeto for the links. Again, I note that there is so much on the website I can go on reading informative interchanges and can have all my doubts and questions answered only with some non-meditative eyes-open approach from all the recorded material over years of application.

For the first time, I gained perspective from setting the objective – to become happy and harmless. And as Richard points out – to the point of ‘obsession’.  Every question falls into perspective, every investigation on emotion falls in its place – does it make me happy and harmless – the answer is NO, usually.  I also found it useful to turn the instincts of aggression and fear to bloody-mindedness and courage in pursuing this goal – as you had pointed out.

And it seems that what I am experiencing now is a candidate for PCE, readily. I feel having coming to senses for the first time. Where did the emotional construct go now? He is conspicuous by his absence and everything feels live and vivid. And I know now not make an instinctual grab for this moment!

*

As I now understand: Exist happily & harmlessly acting/ reflecting. Look for an emotion. If you find one, see its structure of underlying belief/instinct. See if it has anything to do with being happy and harmless. Conviction: it will not be. Throw it out of the window. Go back to step 1.

It works! 25.8.2002

RESPONDENT No. 38: ‘One recalls what triggered off feeling bad, then ‘remembers being happy’, & that is the thing that brings you back to being happy. One is remembering the state of happiness.’ ‘Would this be correct?’

GARY: I think it would be more accurate to say that one remembers a PCE. The reason for this I think is that while one may be able to remember many happy times in life, only the PCE involves absolute benignity, effortlessness, harmlessness, and sensuousness all rolled into one. In the PCE one is both happy and harmless at the same time. As has been pointed out before on this list, however, it is very difficult to remember a PCE, as the experience itself does not leave much of a memory trace. Yet when one assiduously runs the question ‘How am I ...’ in one’s daily life, it is easy to differentiate affectively driven experiences from their pure conscious counterparts.

Recently, Peter (hello Peter) wrote to No. 16 and had this to say:

‘Then you really start to become curious about how you are experiencing this moment of being alive and then you realize, all of a sudden, that you have got it – you know what actualism is about because you are doing it. And soon you know the prize at the end of the path because you come to remember having experienced a pure consciousness experience of the utterly benign purity and perfection of the actual world – the actual world that is always right here, ever-only right now, under my very nose whenever ‘I’ am not here.’ Peter, The Actual Freedom Trust mailing list, No 21

It may be redundant to say that in the past I have been happy advancing my career, pursuing a love life, having dreams and imaginations of all sorts, being lustful, prideful, etc, etc.

That is why I do not think it is quite correct to say that the task is remembering being happy per se, as ‘I’ find happiness in these sorts of things, or perhaps a need gratification that passes for happiness. Rather than pining away for happier times, remembering a PCE, or even reading another’s description of PCEs can trigger it off, with the result that one becomes automatically benign, carefree and harmless. I also found it useful to attend to what happens to cause a PCE to dimmer and eventually fade, when ‘I’ again claim centre stage, as it were. This involves quite a lot of investigative digging and ferreting out activity. Simply remembering a PCE does not necessarily bring you back to a PCE, in my opinion, but it does raise the bar higher, so to speak, and provides a litmus test of one’s intent. While I can remember many times when I was happy in the past, even whilst I was involved in the spiritual search, happiness was always a fleeting thing, evanescent, never remaining for very long, and there was always a backdrop of deep sorrow and vicious resentment in my case. The longer I have practiced the Actualism method, the log jam of sorrow and resentment, seemingly impenetrable, has largely dissipated. In real world terms, what passes for simply ‘being happy’ is a poor substitute for a Pure Consciousness Experience. 18.12.2002

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