Others ~ Selected Correspondence

Actualism in the Marketplace

I find that, at work, it ‘pays’ to be a self. It pays to love and be loved. What I mean is that everyone seems to be the most lenient and beneficent when we are all the most ‘nurturing’ toward one another.

There is a certain kind of ‘group resonance’ in that. And I have the feeling that in order to really pursue this goal of Actual Freedom, I’d be necessary to become irritating to my co-workers – simply because I wouldn’t be going with the loving and super-friendly program that everyone prefers.

In some sense it certainly does ‘pay’ to be and behave as a self.

There is definitely a group dynamic where you are expected to participate like everyone else and there are ‘punishments’ for those that do not. Your co-workers very well may become irritated by your refusal to play the ‘self’ game, but also consider that will likely be balanced by a more genuine benevolence on your part. Remember, that it is not your ‘job’ to correct them or to change them or to point out the error of their ways. Doing so will probably just make matters worse.

I guess a more basic question would be: is it possible to live in the ordinary world (hold a job, be married, raise children, etc.) while pursuing Actual Freedom? And to respond, simply, that it is an individual matter – that it all depends upon me – is a little too vague for application. In what way does it depend upon me? I’m hoping for a more direct answer.

In my case, since being an actualist, I have had several promotions in my current job – now having a great deal of independence and value within the company – with the best paycheque ever. I’m not attributing that solely to actualism – only to demonstrate that not only is it possible to pursue actualism and hold a job – but that it is possible that you will excel at that job.

I have also been married during this pursuit of actualism, though my wife and I are currently ‘separated.’ This I can directly attribute to my practice of actualism since I do everything I can to avoid the games of being a ‘self.’ My current wife is simply not interested in the ‘non-emotionalism’ of actualism – she still thrives on the fight of feeling.

I look after 2 children. Raising children as an actualist has been a pleasant surprise. In the beginning, I was worried about the possible effects of not telling them that I love them and all that goes with that. I have found that I can still let them know that I care about them not only in word, but in deed – and so far it has had a huge payoff. I don’t fight with my kids like my wife does – and we have a lot of fun together. They get the cuddling and consistency they thrive on from me. Overall, I am very pleased at being a much better parent that I might have been otherwise.

My basic concern is that I am going to break up what stability exists in my social relationships in order to become ‘happy and harmless’!

In some cases that may be the case. But in my experience, you can learn to minimize the fallout and begin to notice the benefits and steer towards those. One of the things that I find important to remember is that you have to deal with the circumstances you find yourself in. If that means that occasionally you have to ‘play the game’ in order to avoid serious consequences, then so be it.

What I’m thinking of here is Richard’s comments about lying. There is no reason one would typically need to lie – but there is also no need to have a principle that states ‘never lie.’ So, in those rare instances where it is obvious that someone would be tremendously hurt by the truth, then you always have the option of staying quiet or if necessary – lying. The point is that what you are doing is motivated by genuine benevolence rather than self-interest.

Same goes for the workplace. If things just go better by ‘playing along’ on a rare occasion, then why not?

Actualism is not at all about principles – so you are breaking no principle by doing so if required.

I am looking forward to a reply.

This is all my personal experience, so yours will likely vary. The question I ask myself when I encounter an unwillingness to continue is ‘Do I really want to continue living this way?’ Invariably I find the answer is that I MUST go on – otherwise I will not be able to look at myself in the mirror. No 37 to No 91, 18.12.2005

I really do think the question you are asking here is a good example of what is called a ‘leading question’. Take this from a former expert at leading questions. A leading question is ‘a question so phrased that it is difficult to avoid giving the answer the questioner hopes for’.

As a manipulative ploy to influence opinion and win political points, the leading question is extremely effective. But it is ‘leading’ precisely because it is a blatant attempt to influence others, rather than a question aimed at getting information or learning something new.

As a actualist, I would not presume to tell you what to do or think. In the examples that you have used, ie. changing the government by rightful vote, or speaking out on environmental concerns, there would obviously be a large range of options available to one in order to address perceived injustices. Given what you have said, I presume you would steer clear of ‘rabid activism’ and adopt a more moderate stance by influencing change through the more accustomed political institutions available in a Western-style democracy.

On a personal note, because I have a busy professional life that involves me in interacting with people of many types and backgrounds, I am well accustomed to being in the marketplace of society and involved in the vital affairs of the day. With my co-workers, I sit around the conference table each week and am expected by my employer to participate by offering my suggestions and advice on how to improve present practice and service delivery. In these matters, I am hardly a mute automaton.

However, I must say that when it comes to living in the ‘community’, I prefer the type of anonymity that Vineeto described in a previous post of hers. I am not involved in the political affairs of the community. I belong to no professional societies, sit on no councils, do not involve myself in any protests, etc, etc. In short, I have no political ties of any sort nor do I have any political stake in changing conditions in the community. Like yourself, I pay taxes which come out of my hard-earned pay for the improvement of community infrastructures and services, school, military, etc. Like you, my taxes go to pay for the maintenance of effective police and military forces to protect the country I live in from enemies, both internal and external. Like you, my tax money goes into supporting any military engagement that the government is presently engaging in by providing the weapons and manpower that the military needs to conduct these campaigns.

Membership in any type of movement or organization, or signing on to any type of protest, no matter how apparently noble and well intentioned the motives (‘saving lives’, etc), always stems from one’s identity. It is an activity that is fuelled by one’s identity and ultimately both strengthens and reinforces one’s identity as the feeler in the heart and the thinker in the head. However, an actualist is vitally interested in enabling the already-existing peace on earth by eliminating the root causes of malice and sorrow. Anything short of that goal is nothing more than the ‘tried and failed’, which is periodically pulled out, dusted off, and represented as something new in human affairs. Gary to No 49

I seem to fluctuate between a sense of alarm and anxiety at my ‘aloneness’ and the thrill of the realization that I am really getting somewhere by using the actualism method. And where I am getting is to be completely and totally free from being a member of the human club. When I set out upon learning about an Actual Freedom, I had many basic questions, some of which persist. For instance, I wondered: will I be able to work? Will I be able to provide for myself and my partner? Will I have a social life? What will that look like? and other questions such as these. Regarding my ability to work, I have found that I am able to work, and that my capacity for work has, if anything, increased. I am better able to prioritize tasks, think things through and get done what needs to be done.

Yes, well said. I am much more efficient at what I do. If resentment crops up about having to go to work, it is again brought to awareness as soon as it rears its ugly head and rather quickly dispelled. When at work, by not wasting my time by wishing for or wanting to be somewhere else, I am much more efficient at getting things done. I don’t engage in any gripe sessions with co-workers, nor do I seek any solace from others when the going gets rough. It is my job and I am getting paid for helping to solve some very ticklish and complicated situations, for being able to think critically and patiently about very emotion-packed situations. It does no good if I cannot keep a level head when I am under the gun. I have no time for co-workers who gripe and complain about their sorry lot and wish to involve others in their distress. That does not mean I will not listen to a stressed-out co-worker, just that I do not commiserate.

I don’t know if I had ever mentioned it or not, but at an earlier time I was interested in investigating why I so often had the ‘Monday morning blues’, you know, that feeling of let-down after the weekend is over and it’s time to get cracking again. I often found myself experiencing a kind of acute anxiety on Monday mornings, in particular, as I dreadfully hashed out in my mind how terrible the day was going to be and how much I would have to get done. I found my partner also doing this too and resentfully sighing that she did not want to go to work, wanted to stay home, and such like comments. This led me to investigate the combination of feelings and emotions that are involved in these Monday morning experiences. From what I could observe from listening in on and talking to other people, particularly co-workers, it seemed that these feelings were well nigh universal, just that some people were more vocal in their sighing and complaints than others. Rather than accept ‘the way it’s supposed to be for everyone’ on Monday mornings, I set about eliminating this constellation of feeling and belief from my life.

Now I find that Monday morning arrives and there is not this downcast, gloomy feeling nor is there the expectation of this in the day prior. I realize that I have virtually eliminated this experience, not entirely, but it is now greatly diminished from its’ former intensity. I am just using this an example of the kind of thing that can happen with continued use of the questioning of one’s experiencing of the present moment. Gary to Peter

I have found financial independence to be important to me. <snip>

A certain degree of financial ‘independence’ seems desirable, perhaps leaving open various options for making a living. I am not sure I understand your second statement here ‘I allowed myself to be bossed around because I didn’t want to be bossed around all my life.’ Did you mean that because you didn’t want to be bossed around you tolerated being bossed around – indeed, you may have even provoked bossing behaviours from others?

*

As it is, I have decided to throw myself fully into finding another job in social work, instead of doing the scarier thing and the more insecure thing of changing careers.

The whole area of ethics and professional ethical conduct has arisen greatly over the past decade or so as a way of regulating the conduct of professionals such as social workers, teachers, doctors, etc, etc, and keeping them from acting in harmful ways to their clients and the public. When there is an ethical dilemma, say some aspect of self-interest conflicts with one of the ethical precepts of the profession, one is expected to know something about how to handle the situation or else one leaves oneself open to being sanctioned or, in the worst case scenario, sued or expelled from the profession. I remember a couple of times in my last job directly refusing to obey advice given to me by my supervisor because I felt it violated an ethical code of conduct. For instance, one case involved being asked to violate a client’s confidentiality. One can’t afford to suspend one’s critical thought in such situations. But some of the situations get pretty sticky and the answers are not outlined in black-and-white. Even the experts in the field are sometimes divided in their advice on how to handle these situations.

*

I have in the past gravitated to subordinate positions <snip>

I had a job interview today as a supervisor in a program that helps runaway and homeless teenagers. It was an interesting opportunity to interview for a higher-rank position, as well as tune into the feelings associated with taking on more responsibility.

I think in the past I have stuck to subordinate positions thinking that they offered the safety and security that higher-level positions lacked – a way for me to ‘play it safe’. I don’t think this is necessarily the case anymore. I feel ready for something different.

Yes, I can relate to what you are saying here. Taking on the care-taking role is often the source of feelings of resentment and anger. I can distinctly remember times in my last job when I seemed to give-give-give to the clients and they would take-take-take, and I would end up angry and resenting them or ‘the system. One needs to be aware of one’s own needs for affirmation, approval, and support from others and be wary of any ‘doing’ for others. It is crippling to both the giver and the receiver of this ‘helping’. I am also aware of those tendencies to idealize a career move, thinking that it is going to be the solution to all ‘my’ problems, similar to what you described when you became involved in teaching. Perhaps our egos set up unrealistic aspirations and standards that are impossible to meet, ending in a cycle of despair and frustration. Gary to No 13

I have talked in past posts of mine about my resentment of authority. <snip> It boils down to fear of authority <snip> It went hand-in-hand with this enormous resentment of him and what he stood for.

Those are good questions. I am just now getting clearer on my role in the difficulties. I have had enormous practice blaming other people for my problems and my unhappiness, and there was a great deal of this and other game-playing in the recent work situation. I think a lot of it boils down to taking responsibility for myself and the direction of my life. It’s always easier to point the finger of blame at someone else (or yourself) than face the facts of the situation and get on with it. I think more distance from the situation has helped me to disentangle from it and realize some of the things I need to change. ‘Playing it safe’ and gravitating to subordinate positions is certainly not the solution, nor is dreaming that all my problems are going to be magically solved by getting that dream career.

It’s interesting going on job interviews. One sees all this kind of ‘impression management’ stuff at work in oneself and others. By running the ‘How am I...’ question, one can intelligently be aware of one’s own instinctual fear and do the next sensible thing.

Perhaps what you are talking about here is that ‘indifference to hierarchy’ that I mentioned earlier. I agree with what you say about blaming people for the way they make ‘me’ feel – I think that comment is on the mark. But whether or not I am ‘appreciated and respected’ for how I behave in situations is quite aside from the point, isn’t it? Because one is aware of the simple facts of the matter, any appreciation or ‘respect’ from others is quite inconsequential, I should think. There is the trap of ‘appreciation’ too. In other words, if one is looking for appreciation, even unconsciously, one is not free from the carrot-and-stick of conditioning. It may be nice to be appreciated by the people around you, it certainly makes harmonious relations more likely, but it is hardly necessary. Gary to No 13

Actualism Homepage

 Actual Freedom Homepage

Freedom from the Human Condition – Happy and Harmless

Web page designed by The Actual Freedom Trust