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Others ~ Selected Correspondence Male - Female Identity
One of the first issues to be sorted out for me was my female identity – my belonging to the women’s camp as opposed to the men’s club. Part of this female identity was the continuous battle as to who is right and who is wrong – men or women. What I discovered was an unbridgeable gulf between the masculine and feminine version of interpreting the world and that the only way to ensure peace and harmony was to eliminate the gulf, whereas common wisdom has it that the gulf is a given and that one should bridge the gulf with the feeling of love or move closer to the other camp by becoming more feminine or more masculine. Needless to say eliminating the gulf meant eliminating my precious identity as a woman and all that entailed. Recently I was working with a small group at a professional training. I was the only male in the group, there being three female participants besides myself. The exercise we were working on required giving a potential emotional reaction to various scenarios involving sexuality. After I had disclosed my reactions to these scenarios the other participants remarked that, of course, I had reacted that way ‘because you are a man’. I was a bit surprised at their perception in this regard. It had crossed my mind that perhaps I was reacting from a gender bias. But their remarks too struck me as dismissive in the sense that they consigned my reactions to the ‘male camp’ and disregarded that they might have been made on some other basis than gender conditioning. Besides discovering that I dislike being pegged in this way as either ‘male’, ‘white’, etc (in itself an instinctual reaction), I realized too how seldom I make these kinds of judgements and comparisons of others. It seems to me that only a female identity would be capable of making a judgement that someone is reacting on a ‘male’ basis, or vice versa. Gary to Vineeto
Ultimately each sex is locked into an instinctual battle for domination over the other – with mutually-agreed ceasefires, for the sake of the offspring, the norm for most relationships. The marvellous thing about becoming free of the animal sexual instinctual drive is that the male breaks free of power women have over him and women are freed of the humiliating and debilitating games they have been taught and programmed to play. Then sexual play is freed of inane societal moral and ethical taboos, freed of being a battleground between the sexes in which neither side wins and freed of the instinctual sexual imperative. The sex act then becomes innocent sensuous scrumptious and sumptuous play simply because it is freed of guilt, shame, evil and the blind senseless drive to impregnate, or be impregnated. Funny you should mention sex and the sexual instinctual drive, as I feel I have barely scratched the surface of examining sex and sexuality. Sex has been especially troublesome for me, as I am sure it is for many people. My partner and I are still living an essentially celibate lifestyle, which, although it is not very satisfying emotionally, seems to obviate the painful consequences of bedroom politics. We seem to be stuck in a place where it is very difficult to talk not only about sex but about other significant aspects of our relationship, i.e. dependency, ‘love’, family, etc. As a male, I have always felt a great deal of pressure to perform sexually, and feelings of shame and guilt when I could not, whatever the reason. Consequently, it has seemed to be the safest thing to back off entirely. I’m afraid I am still playing safe with my head stuck in the sand where it comes to sexual matters. If playing it safe is not very satisfying emotionally, at least the boat doesn’t get rocked and one settles for a comfortable complacency. I see this pattern in my parent’s marriage, looking back at it now. It really is second rate. In order to break out of this thing, one needs to rock the boat of complacency, risk losing the established identity, and risk losing the relationship itself with its’ wearying round of frustrated longings. This is where the going again gets rough – it is somewhat easier and certainly ‘safer’ for me to explore aggression (odd to say so) and other instincts, than explore nurture and desire. The taboo against talking openly about sex and sexual matters is very strong, one we have not apparently overcome. It is strange that I write in this way. I had started to compose a similar reply and then deleted it all, it seemed too personal to send out over cyber space. It helps to have read portions of your book, particularly the chapter on sex, and I related to much that you spoke of. I am afraid I have not broken through yet to the sheer sensual enjoyment of sex and I blush like a schoolboy to say so. Gary to Peter
I have been doing a lot more work in the real world lately and have been able to observe the male hunting competitiveness and see the men suffer under the ethical responsibility and moral bondage of providing for and protecting their family. Behind the scenes the women equally suffer under the ethical responsibility and moral bondage of nurturing and caring for their family. Underscoring this suffering, responsibility and bondage is the overarching core instinctual drive – the propagation and survival of the species come what may. I say suffer, for many men I see can now comfortably provide and protect with little effort and, apart from the early years of helpless infants, the women are also capable of fulfilling their instinctual role quite comfortably. The problem comes not in the doing, but in the social and instinctual programming itself that causes the needless emotional suffering and debilitating feelings of responsibility and bondage. There are signs that the traditional social roles are being questioned by many of both sexes mainly in wealthy countries such that the relentless population growth is beginning to be stemmed, but entrenched social mores and blind instinctual urges still cause untold emotional suffering for both men and women. It is indeed wonderful to be free of being a normal male and to have as a companion someone who is no longer a normal female. Yes, I see these very patterns causing problems in my relationship with my partner. Some of this stuff came up recently when there was a discussion about how to deal with Christmas celebrations in the family. I have very weak ties to my own family, and really don’t want to have much to do with them in practical terms other than an occasional friendly visit or a phone call. My partner, on the other hand, is very family oriented and feels a tremendous responsibility to nurture her family members and make things right for the family at the holidays. Our different ways of doing things, and the emotional stuff that comes up around the holidays, is something that has been very difficult for us to deal with. But I’ve determined to wade right in there and investigate the feelings, attitudes and beliefs that come up around the holiday and the issues of family loyalties and ties. I don’t want to be a stick in the mud for her, and I’ve determined to roll my sleeves up and pitch in to help her with the things that are important to her, even though they may not be that significant to me. Any pain that comes up in the process for me is something that I now going to relish delving into and investigating, as it will inevitably hasten ‘my’ demise. Gary to Peter
Later, love changed into the subtler version of feeling ‘connected’ to Peter, of having, through him, some kind of identity in my life. I caught myself wanting to use him as an outline for my own existence, as an anchor to define me as ‘person-in-relation’, a ‘self’. Examining it closer I discovered that this need for an anchor derives from the female instinctual need for protection. Only when I feel ‘connected’ to a person can I keep up the illusion that I can rely on this person for ‘bad times’. As a male member of the species, I think I see the corresponding need to be a protector – you know – guard the castle against attack, bring home the bacon, and protect my ‘little woman’. It was quite an upset when my partner started making more money than I a couple of years ago – we had quite a few good laughs about how I had been ‘dethroned’ from my position of former imagined dominance. Now, however, I am back ‘on top’ again and not enjoying it at all! Gary to Vineeto Web page designed by The Actual Freedom Trust |
