Others ~ Selected Correspondence

Affective Feelings ~ Emotions and Passions

(An Actualist’s Journal Entry on Exploring his Emotions)

This sounds about right to me. Also, I’ve been wondering why ‘practicing actualism’ hasn’t changed me fundamentally for a while now – such as, where’s virtual freedom – why do I understand so much more about the human condition, yet am not personally yet happy and harmless?

How long does it take? Well, I think this post contains the essential answer. What I now understand is that actualism is the moment-by-moment saying ‘YES’ to life regardless of what ‘I’ feel or think. Up to this point, I have been investigating, being attentive and such with less than desired results. Now, I see that putting ‘pure intent’ into practice is to opt ‘each moment again’ to be attentive and elect to be happy and harmless – as such it is not intellectual at all.

Essentially, it is the stubborn will to be as happy and harmless as humanly possibly regardless of what happens – that eventually results in an actual freedom. Previously, I often wondered whether some thought, idea, belief, etc really was ‘silly’ and how I could know that it is silly. Now, I see that judging anything that causes suffering, such as beliefs, feelings, etc. as ‘silly’ is one and the same mental disposition – aka, ‘pure intent’ that is the unqualified ‘YES’ to life and will to be happy and harmless – no matter what. So – thanks, No 60. That is the last piece of the puzzle for me. No 37 to No 60, 31.10.2005

I’m curious about your current ‘take’ on actualism – from what I can see (and this is just an educated guess) – it looks like you think there may be at least a grain of truth, fact, or correctness in actualism – yet it is also evident that you think that much of it is corrupt, hypocrisy, etc.

Yep, see separate message in due course...

Do you think that Richard is fooling himself and others – and that what he is doing is merely toying with other people?

I don’t know what Richard is, or what he is doing. My feelings about him change from time to time, as do my non-affective assessments. Bottom line for me at this stage: he’s too much an enigma, too far out of my league for me to be able to judge him fairly.

(But as my desire to find a solution in actualism grew, cognitive dissonance almost – but never entirely—overcame that impression!) Now my assessment of him is more like it was back then. There are just too many things that don’t add up. There is no way I would act the way he does in a PCE. Maybe he just has an exceptionally prick-ly manner inherited from the ‘Richard’ of yore. Or maybe he is invisible to himself as a result of some neurological ... event. I don’t know. For me, when it comes to matters psychological/existential, direct experience and autonomous reasoning is the only thing I will trust now.

I can identify with much of what you’ve said – I also was quite excited when finding actualism – then subsequently dismayed by the lack of compassion displayed by actualists. I don’t think I was much bothered by repetitiveness – or ‘grammatically tortuous intellectually flaky crap.’ I suppose the only things I can relate to that would be that it was a hurdle to get over the claim that Richard purportedly is the ‘first’ to be actually free – also the negation of the Big Bang and Relativity – may have seemed ‘flaky’ at first, yet the more I investigated, I found it not to be ‘flaky’ at all – only at first appearance. Also, I the more I looked at just what was being said – the more I realized that Richard was speaking factually – though the initial appearance was that he was being insensitive. As I looked at my own ability to ‘pussy-foot’ around ‘tough’ issues, I was hooked on the ability to just finally say it like it is – no frills or denial required.

Sure, insensitivity is a minor problem if the underlying certainty is valid. If, OTOH, the underlying certainty is invalid, and if some kind of neural short circuit prevents recognition of same, then what you’ve got is an insensitive, dogmatic arsehole who is 100% certain of what he says, yet also dangerously wrong: people risk losing everything that matters to them, and more besides. It’s not the kind of thing one wants to discover was a mistake ... in hindsight.

OK, but why should this make one bit of difference to you and you wanting to be free of the human condition (if that is the case)? It has been very clear from Richard and other actualists from the get-go that they are not suggesting that you trust them. To be miffed regarding whether or not another person is entitled to their certainty is to put yourself in a position of trusting or not trusting what they say.

But people love to see certainty in another – and when they do, they often misappropriate it for themselves. Uncertainty is painful. We’re so limited; it takes so much energy and time to carefully investigate something, to overcome our own biases and blind spots, to consider an issue from several angles, to weigh up pros and cons, etc. Life is finite. So when somebody comes along who’s been there, knows it all, tells it like ‘it is’, the attraction is very understandable.

Yes, it is – but that is also why ‘actualism’ points out the pitfalls of trust and borrowed certainty.

I think part of the reason why I find Peter and Vineeto’s testimonies valueless (and also part of the reason why I dislike them personally)

Do you want to continue to dislike them personally?

…is that, right from the very beginning, they misappropriated Richard’s certainties. Thereafter it was a case of: we know the truth^H^H^H^H^Hfacts, hereafter we dig in our heels and defend, and repel all potential threats. YMMV, but I personally hate people who do that. The modus operandi is so obviously to reinforce those ‘certainties’ at any cost.

Yes, my mileage varies :o)

Why invest yourself in hating anyone? What relevance does this have to freeing yourself? Who cares whether Peter and Vineeto are forming their own actualist cult or lining themselves up as heirs to the throne? IF that were the case, that would be their blindness – not yours.

When I see Peter in action, I see the very same blind cretin who was once prepared to kill and die for his belief in Mohan Rajneesh. Same person, different set of beliefs – only now he’s utterly impenetrable, an impregnable fortress of certainty. He has ‘stripes’ now, he’s bosom buddies with the General. He’s in the inner sanctum at last. Making progress, getting somewhere. Fame, respect, power, a guru who values him, a fan base. Good, hey?

Nah... those two suck hugely, IMO. The only meaningful interaction I could have with Peter these days is in a boxing ring.

Just as an experiment. Ask yourself whether, if you were practicing actualism [as recommended by Richard alone], whether or not it would make one bit of difference in whether or not you like Vineeto and Peter if they are actually the hypocrites you think they are?

I am suggesting this ‘experiment’ simply because I once found myself wondering about them – but when I realized that it makes no difference to my desire to be free from the human condition whether or not they are hypocrites or not – I realized it was completely irrelevant. I didn’t need to decide whether they walk their talk – since it makes no difference whatsoever. Who cares? It’s their personal business.

*

Also, what is your current take or view (replace with whatever word you wish) of Peter and Vineeto and their practice of actualism?

Not favourable, as you might guess, but I just don’t have it in me to say more tonight. I feel sorry for them.

I have had opportunity to observe their writings for about 3 ½ years now. I certainly had my tangles with both of them in the beginning. Vineeto specifically regarding her ‘style’ and one-liners that often seem to be intended to be cutting – and Peter with his apparent ability to turn almost any inquiry into a lecture to convince the other person that it’s ‘their problem’ they don’t see it like he does. I definitely notice a willingness on both their parts to communicate in such a way as to let the person they are talking to know that they certainly don’t consider them an actualist. There is a consistent reframing of the other’s words into ‘real world’ terms such as ‘position,’ ‘belief,’ etc. such as to give the appearance of distancing what they are saying and put the other down. I don’t think that is their intent, I don’t really know, but it is certainly the effect.

After having observed it for two years, I do think it is their intent. And it hurts a lot of people.

So – are you feeling righteous indignation on behalf of those that are getting hurt? Maybe just hateful because they hurt you? If you were hurt, why?

If you are hating them because they are hurting others, why?

*

At the same time, I think they are both entirely sincere, but it is possible for a sincere person to have blind spots as well. I state these as appearances only – I have given up on trying to exhaustively guess their motives. Personally, I applaud both of them for their willingness to assist in blazing a trail to an actual freedom – I don’t assume that one will always be perfect or not slip up every now and then – so there really is no room for resentment from me regardless of their motives.

Fair enough.

What I find is that in order for someone to become resentful of Peter and Vineeto – they must first place them in the pedestal role of guru or assistant gurus, then when they don’t fit that image they are hated or resented quite strongly.

I did not do that. When I came to the list I naturally treated them as equals, potential friends, people whose interests and experiences were aligned with my own, people I could learn from and share experiences with. They put themselves on a pedestal; made themselves into gurus. I maintain they are know-it-alls who are only interested in bolstering their ‘certainties’, and the pathetic power-tripping fringe benefits that go with it.

Nobody can put themselves on a pedestal. You have to buy into it to be hurt by it. OR – you would have to hate them for others buying into it and subsequently being hurt – which is where righteous indignation would come into the picture.

*

As far as I can see – there is an easy way out of that cycle – don’t venerate or put responsibility on them in the first place, after all, they are fellow human beings.

I never did venerate them, and I don’t think I ever put responsibility on them. What I wanted from them – and all I wanted/expected from them when I was investigating actualism – was simple human decency in sharing ideas and experiences. I felt, and still feel, that they turned every interaction into a dominance game.

And you do see that wanting/expecting something from somebody sets you up for disappointment?

I see other people so frustrated by this double bind: sign says ‘Come in! Great fun here!’. Yet bouncers stand at the door repelling every comer, treating them as unwelcome intruders. (I am not advocating personal bonding here, either).

It is definitely interesting seeing the kinds of interactions that happen – and I do understand where you get the impression that the actualist list starts out with a warm welcome followed by a few metaphorical uppercuts. I can also see why you might be disappointed by all that.

I think it is very easily explained though – people come in the from ‘real’ world with their customary ways of bonding, being chummy, optimistic, or the opposites of those. Actualism is about eliminating all that good and bad – so none of the customary friendliness flies very far, rather it falls flat. So many people resort to the opposite of hatefulness to try and get to the actualists – since the usual ‘support me’ kind of friendliness doesn’t work.

What I’ve learned is that whenever people communicate with each other – much of what is said and how it is said is done in order to establish a relationship.

Since the ‘self’ is about survival – it is constantly trying to determine whether the relationship is one of friend or foe – the reason being that people are generally looking for ‘supportive’ relationships – and it is easier to keep on guard once a traitor has been discovered. When someone doesn’t play the usual ‘supportive’ relationship game – then they are tagged as a traitor and treated that way.

So, it is inevitable that people will feel hurt by actualists simply because they are not supporting the status quo.

Of course, at one point I ran square into the question – ‘If actualism is supposed to be about ‘peace-on-earth’ – then why does it create so much conflict?’ And – ‘isn’t this counter-productive?’ The answer I found is that it is indeed (generally) the actualist who is being peaceful and operating with sincere intent. It is not at all their fault that those who encounter them completely misinterpret their actions.

To take a guess (and you are the judge whether it is correct) – I would say that you quite simply despise hypocrisy. Since encounters with actualists produce predictable and repeated conflict (which contradicts their claim to want peace-on-earth) – they are prime examples of hypocrisy (which again contradicts their claim to want peace-on-earth). An apparent conundrum.

The way I resolved this apparent conundrum was to determine the source of the conflict.

*

What are you current explorations and how are they going?

As above mate. I’ve stepped back from the actualist-recommended naiveté toward a more familiar cynical/realist position in self-defence, so I can suss out for myself what’s what. ‘Happy and harmless’ is certainly not my aim at present. My aim is to resist any and all convenient refuges from uncertainty, and keep on questioning, exploring, uncovering, until I have the necessary experiential certainty to go ‘boots and all’ – in which direction and by how many degrees remains to be seen.

I don’t know if this is ‘reading between the lines’ or not, but it does seem as if you are not satisfied with your current ‘familiar cynical/realist position.’

And so ... how’s it all hanging with you?

It would indeed be nice for me to be able to report being completely happy and harmless, but I sincerely cannot. I have never seen actualism as a ‘magic wand’ where it is waived and someone is actually free. In many ways, I am much better off having practiced actualism – in other ways, I am worse off (so far).

Mostly, I am better off because I have stopped looking for the meaning of life and stopped wondering how to be peaceful – I know how it works now. I have sussed through so much relationship, male/female stuff, group/belongingness, etc to know that I am pointed in the direction I want to go – yet, my instincts don’t always cooperate. I still often feel desperate about the suffering in the world – resentful that I have to be here (instead of somewhere else) – and sometimes it is all overwhelming. I do realize that it isn’t this way for most people since being ‘normal’ means that one has learned to tuck away to whatever degree their personal experiences of being overwhelmed with the complexity and uncertainty and suffering of the world (as experienced by a ‘self.’)

I would say that on a social and person-to-person level I am unbelievably better off than ever before – and that is an incredible gift. Yet at the same time I am still haunted by the painful void – the basic existential resentment that I see expressed all around me.

So – most of my time these days is spent unravelling that basic resentment. No 37 to No 60, 5+6.9.2005

• To have compassion is to throw the torch one has that can get one and all outside of the darkness – in order to hold hands with the blind; I have chosen freedom and intelligence over compassion many a times in the recent past (compassion seems to be the natural course) – the results were much superior. To have compassion is to feel care affectively; the alternative is to actually care (how easily the mind jumps to the opposites – callousness!)

• Actual caring is superior to feeling caring; actual caring is a direct caring for the other, with intelligent long term insights; a feeling caring is an indirect caring of others, often short term, as the objective of such a feeling is to make oneself happy (or to eradicate the linked unhappiness) by making other happy – still within the narrow bounds of the self; the best of one and the other does not come out until one actually cares

• It is not to replace a good feeling with its opposite or a non-feeling cold state as the imagination tends to project when reading about actualism/actualfreedom: what takes the place of the feeling is delight, intelligence, sense etc. The void of non-feeling is not actuality. One’s intelligence and appreciation of life is much better off without the passions.

• I used ‘reductio ad absurdum’ (and ‘law of excluded middle’) to break the barrier of vagueness, doubt that I faced on every crucial question. If I could not conclude a certain thing, I asked myself if the opposite was true. By grilling thus, I was able to engage intelligence and reach a clarity on these important matters. If one is uncertain on these issues forever, one is not closer to the freedom than before. All the sacred cows need to be questioned and the resistance that the mind produces (self-survival?) on addressing the key issues needs to be intelligently overcome.

• Freedom and happiness are invaluable as rare precious stones or more. How easily I substitute them for cheap goods like principles, values, morals at the drop of a hat. Actualism method is about recognizing the value of this happiness and finding the first moment of losing it and seeing the silliness of it. To give up happiness, intelligence, delight and freedom to exchange it for shoddy righteousness, anger, malice, unhappiness is silly – no matter what the reason is. How many times must a man lose happiness before he realizes that it is silly?

• I am engaged and getting married in couple of months; I am thankful for actualism – Richard/Peter and Vineeto – I think I am a much better person because of all this. I am willing to give total commitment to the relationship and it has been great so far. She has shown interest in some of the observations/conclusions of AF (maybe not all at this stage). But I realize totally that actualism is unilateral, it is about one living happily and harmlessly in the world as it is ... any co-operation from the other is a bonus and a multiplier of the already existing peace/happiness. No 33, 24.6.2005

The ‘me’ showing its ugly head.

I am not like this all the time ... this is the dirty stuff that gets in now and then.

Mostly it is wonderful. Maybe 15 hours out of 24.

I think I get it now.

Basically, the desire/aspiration is a force that has certain properties. It is like the nuclear energy - put it to good use or bad use. We can put it to good use in actualism. Maybe there is some intelligence/ nobility/ altruism in it when it aspires for actual freedom – knowing that it will lead to its demise. It is silly to couple guilt with it – it is good enough to see what dangers are in it and how it causes all the problems elsewhere... so that one sees it for what it is.

To feel guilty about what one sees within is yet another survival trick that keeps the self at bay, which rules out extinction (an everlasting struggle between the controller and controlled). Guilty feelings have limited use of keeping some controls on the ‘bad’ parts of oneself... But one has to see that the guilt hasn’t solved the problems – still the evil breaks out and goes on when push comes to the shove; or even, in a cunning way even when not.

Unless one sees unreservedly that one is malice and sorrow at core – one will be fiddling in the surface. One tries all kind of solutions if one doesn’t see the root cause. And when one sees the root cause of all the evils of humankind within oneself: isn’t that a revelation of a most valued secret that has evaded humans from aeons! How wonderfully social programming of the basic instincts coupled with denial and ignorance hide the underlying reality! The deep earth is bubbling with lava all the time and not knowing this, one is shocked when there is volcanic eruption.

What is the alternative? Awareness and intelligence can safely understand and dismantle these controls and move into the psyche... and when in the field of total awareness (and naiveté? And intelligence?), the rudimentary self can be seen in its raw form without all the denials, controls... is this termed as out from control? One starts discovering oneself finally! One is no more dealing with something else – now one is finally with oneself. I am surprised by the safety of the whole thing: somehow intelligence rules out a wild outbreak... but still one has to be careful. No 33 to Richard, 9.7.2005

I posted a quote that was descriptive of the physical sensations that can sometimes accompany radical change –

One time I remember clearly, the experience was like cutting a thick cord that appeared to run from the bottom of my spine to his, like a telephone cord of sharing delight. Afterwards it felt like my very bone marrow was being drained out of me, most of my strength, determination and will to ‘fight for freedom’. A very strange experience, I was almost physically curling back into my self and became autonomous, not relying on him. Any need for emotional support vanished with that event. List AF, Alan, 12.1.1999 [emphases added]

However it is good to keep in mind that the impression of something physical happening is most likely due to psychosomatic processes, i.e. bodily responses to feelings and imagination.

Perfecto! I more than once found the psychosomatic nature... my depression/tiredness is more psychological than bodily.... realizing thus I have more energy and more happiness. There is a mental component of the body which is the ‘owner’ of the body which is probably the closest one gets to body... the ‘feeling’ of the body... the ‘feeler’ itself disguising as the body... which can do lot of tricks as if the body is having problems. Realizing this ends most of the illnesses that are not really there! No 33 to Vineeto, 31.5.2005

I found this journal entry written couple of months ago; thought for a while before sending this; most of it is junk and imaginary and horrible; I cannot relate to most of them now! they seem to be written by somebody else. I am sending this to demonstrate that I have struggled a lot in the mental domain... take it with a pinch (or more) of salt...

Just ignore if it doesn’t make sense...

Another trick by ‘me’ to draw the attention to inner word for continued survival: reject the enjoyment with the actual as not being genuine. The ‘me’ wants to survive in the name of practising actualism, investigation. The ever elusive and whimsical ‘me’ keeps changing its colors to churn continuous garbage input to the analyser. One needs to recognize the pattern and get out. How soon the ‘me’ dirties, corrupts everything. Vineeto talks about ‘nipping it in the bud’ once you recognize the trodden paths.

Shouldn’t forget the repeat psychotic experience I had. I went down the same path once again and all felt real once again. I thought it was true! and fear ran through my body anticipating a mega event. Then I thought of Vineeto’s words: it is all in my mind. Was able to come out of it.

I just felt sad when I thought about Rp. I really don’t have proof that others are suffering – so this compassion is ill-founded. When I really am in the position to check the truth by interaction, I would have come out of all these and would probably approach differently than simply feeling sorry.

The ‘me’ is a rebel... it is wayward. Doesn’t want to be controlled.

That’s why control doesn’t do the job. It is a war between the imposition and the ‘me’ – it is like covering the volcano with concrete... the concrete cracks and one has to keep patching it. And sometime it explodes... so one tries to find different type of material to cover.

Do actualists view consciousness as epiphenomenon of matter? Is that what you mean by ‘matter is not merely passive’? Do you think that it will be possible to assemble molecules in a laboratory to produce life one day? And nothing mysterious is going on? Also if it is all a product of matter, can physics describe the dynamics of the evolution of a living being by a mathematical formula (albeit complex) one day? Thus, the free will only being an illusion due to the absence of total knowledge?

Why do I need respect or approval from anybody? Why am I hurt if I don’t get it?

When I receive an idea from the other that conflicts with my present make-up, I start defending my idea and start finding fault superficially about the other’s. It results in sloppiness and lot of emotional reactions ensue. This can be avoided by becoming extremely aware once I notice discord due to what I hear/read... I should ask myself: have I investigated this idea before without bias? If not, I have to do it. If I have done it already thoroughly, it is a different story. I suspect that this discord would not arise if the subject matter has been thoroughly investigated. Otherwise, I should welcome this opportunity to go into the matter thoroughly. This is honesty. Not the automatic detection of difference of opinion and fight the other’s idea at a superficial level for the sake of defending the dearly held ideas/beliefs.

‘I’ want allies in the process. ‘I’ am not really concerned about the friends; ‘I’ just want them by my side. How selfish.

Should not forget the dirty incident I had with H long back about mystic nature of number theory and my dictionary lookup on the word... I blamed him and he blamed me and I exploded. I nurtured this hurt in my bosom and was trying to make him repent by my cold withdrawal... and some indicative e-mails. But it never happened. It was so silly of me to do this. I am afraid of this kind of explosion and that’s why I hate confrontational people. I avoid the situation so that I can maintain my self-image of a anger-less person. I have been ‘righteously’ angry with C, Mi, Do – just to name a few.

‘You need to respect my feelings’ is a big demand which creates division in people because it cannot be kept if each one had feelings according to whims and conditions not based on objective facts. This demand only brings disharmony in a bigger collection because it is unrealistic for one to expect others to consider your feelings all the time.

It is an invitation for being hurt. Even with the partner it may not work out all times because there is a disconnect and inherent self-centeredness of this ‘my feelings’ thing.

It enables bonding for people with similar feelings but an exact match is an Utopian dream. Tolerance and respect have their limits – these limit the best that is possible.

The moment you stop asking HAIETMOBA you are screwed. The ‘me’ set in with an attitude of a loser who missed the bus – interpreting the psychotic episode as the means to have achieved actual freedom and lamenting that I will never have the courage thereby have to exist with this sorrow. This is a fiction. I doubt the validity of the eyes coming into the actual world experience; even if that is true, the matter doesn’t end there. I don’t need to behave like the kid who came back from the swimming pool unable to muster enough courage to jump first and never tried after that.

I discovered that there is ‘malice’ (pleasure in the suffering of others) involved in the feeling of superiority I felt compared to H and others in my spiritual path: wanting to give advice and act as a ‘teacher’.

One of the reasons I liked the audio-taped dialogues was that it was a discussion among people who were really interested and practising – they were past objecting and theorizing intellectually. So it had a different flavour from the mailing list discussions.

Some good things from transcribed audio-taped dialogues:

One discovers that the way one tells oneself off; if one were to talk to another person like that – a friend – one would not have any friends left. You have to live with yourself twenty four hours a day; if you are talking to yourself in such a way that you are not a good friend to yourself, then what are you doing? If I were to talk like that to you, be sharp with you, you would have nothing to do with me. Are you not sharp upon yourself?

It is not moralistic; it is about the workability of something, the usefulness of whatever it is. I am talking about a very practical thing:

It is sensible to be happy; it is silly to be unhappy. It is silly to feel rotten; it is sensible to feel well. You see, it is not self-righteous at all – it is a matter-of fact appraisal.

Why do I send mail to the list? To impress others of the depth in which I am dealing matters. To get into the good books of Richard, Peter and Vineeto. To bond with them. I think it was Gabriel who said: try bonding with an actualist. Hmmmm... It was called as the ‘begging bowl’ by Joe Darcy. I want others to say: you are doing an amazing work. I am doing an amazing work. But why do I need others to appreciate what I am doing?

(a thought/feeling occurred to me to send this so that I can get an applause for frankness/courage for exposing myself – the same mechanism becoming subtler and subtler).

Imagine the set of people I will be interacting with till I die. I think those interactions will be of a better quality if the ‘me’ is absent – harmless. And I will be happy without the suffering caused by ‘me’. I am trying to set up the stage for self-sacrifice: interpreting what Richard says: for the sake of this body and the other bodies. What am I doing to others now? So I have started to evaluate the feelings by asking what it does to others in addition to what it does to me; what does feeling needy does to others? feeling depressed? feeling superior? feeling right – indignation? ‘I’ don’t like being exposed – there is fear! I liken this to roaches running away to the corners and their holes once the light is turned on.

Finding out the trigger is important. Remember the vikatan photographs in the S’s movie and T.R’s movie (M N) – the exposure of their breasts made me want to rush for the orgasm. But when I dug deeper: in the former case it was the bitchiness of the woman and in the latter case it was the dark skin that acted as triggers to this (and one more later:

armpits). Another one: big breasts probably are probably indicative of the childhood desire/instinct of milk.

Beware of factoids and the partly evaluated beliefs showing up as facts and creating indignation and bitter fights. There is no need to defend clearly seen facts. The defence can hide under the name of principles, so it may not be obvious that one is defending the belief in the spur of the moment.

I feel like a rotting leper – an untouchable suffering from anguish and shame; Nothing from other’s emotion can seep out of their heads and travel the ether and affect you – what affects you is your own projection/images of other’s states. If you clearly see other’s states, you will see the uselessness of their suffering, their self-afflicted nature of suffering. For you to see that other’s suffering is self-afflicted, you have to see that yours is self-afflicted. For you to see that yours is self-afflicted, you have to be able to stop the non-sense. If you continue to suffer, then you have not fully seen that it is all self-afflicted.

I am depressed because I feel that there is some deep thing to understand (about the depressed feeling itself?). Non sense!

Maybe the ‘True nature’ is divine. Isn’t the ‘black nature’ that I consider a belief as much as ‘divine nature’? What is the criterion to decide which is true? It can go either way. I am believing in Richard’s words here. I need to end the belief and truly investigate all what is involved so as not to be trapped again.

The feelings are fine refinements of the instincts. There are so many subtle expressions of the instinct. The instincts are the adhesive forces that keep the identity in its shape.

Do others have identity? Instinctual passions? Malice? Sorrow? Using one’s own instinctual self as a meter to measure these things from the external world maybe unreliable and be of the nature of belief springing from the ‘theory of mind’. Can one look at the external data in an emotionally unbiased manner and judge what is going on in the human reality? It appears that these passions and feelings don’t exist in the actual world. Richard says he gets to meet only flesh and blood bodies in the actual world. Is it not true for anybody? One is only deluding oneself with the connections. They can be only inferred to exist from the various physical actions. That other’s have identities is a grand assumption. It maybe true.. but I don’t know at this point. And also, how does one verify this? I can go by other’s words, infer from other’s statements. ‘Soul is an illusion’ is not a small idea – that soul is real is the nut and bolt assumption of the real world.

To feel that one is back to square one may not be true anymore after all. Surely the intensity of the ‘me’ is less and the belief support system of ‘me’ is shaken. Still I am afraid to go against the will of ‘me’, but I am getting there. What will happen if I do something against the will of ‘me’ ? There is fear that doesn’t let me consider this option. I am going to consider it. The fear says: it is impossible to do this. Let me see. I think I will be better off in the long run if I go by my cognitive/rational appraisal (even if it is against my liking)

than by my whim, by my will, liking etc. This is cost-benefit analysis of the ‘going by the liking’ or giving importance to it. End of the waywardness of the ‘me’. Suddenly everything appears bright. The control ‘me’ has resulted in gloominess... because with the whimsical ‘me’

running the show, things are so uncertain. The ‘me’s will/decision/whim is not final... one can override it after all. To be consulting and deciding based on internal states is giving way too much power to the ‘me’. So the thought wanders from concept to concept, idea to idea – guided by the ‘me’s feedback – pleasure or pain. The thought is thus a slave of ‘me’ trying to please the ‘me’ always. It is always looking for something that will get the approval of ‘me’. The default behaviour of the thought to avoid the unpleasant and dwell on the pleasant is not productive, rational. If there is an unpleasant reaction, I have to look into it to see if there is a valid reason and if possible address it. If it isn’t valid, I shouldn’t encourage it by respecting it.

Another attack of depression. Why is it that what I would not choose consciously keeps bothering me? Fears and worries – these are totally wasteful and counter-productive. Why do they keeping coming in spite of all the wisdom these months? Why is this ‘learned helplessness’? Why is this feeling that there is no choice and the feeling determines everything?

(P.S: the freedom as well as the bondage of the identity is an illusion!)

The goal is emotional freedom. The path is resolving each and every emotional disturbance by seeing the silliness of it and choosing to act in a common sensical manner. To suffer because the goal is not achieved is plain silly. Wishing for the goal without travelling in the path for a while only delays the goal. I am not perfect now, but I will be if I stick to the method. Also, looking at my experience not one evaluation of the feeling/belief turned out in favour of the feeling. From this experience I can say: all feelings are silly. I would like to conclude and close this subject.

I am truly afraid of a ‘relapse’. Fortune teller error and overgeneralizing set up the scene for an impossible future. I feel like a fake, a liar, a dishonest person, hopelessly trying to cover the inevitable fall. Fear takes over my being. I view the recent past as a fluke and feel bad about making bold steps. I am apprehensive of the things like marriage now. Can I learn and apply anything when I am fear struck? Or am I essentially unchanged? Once again fear points to all the negative things for proof. I am helpless during this activity.

Actually when I tried to HAIETMOBA back, I found this belief lurking in the anxiety about the future: ‘I’ will exist in the future and will be the same. This belief is the foundation of the anxieties. Who said this is true? Particularly when one is constantly questioning beliefs and feelings in the actualist method, this is doubly not true as one is changing constantly. I suspect that there are more such beliefs that contribute to the hypnosis when the feeling takes place. I need to pay close attention to catch Mr. me. In spite of all the lessons learnt, I am still not practising HAIETMOBA continually. Keep saying that wordless awareness is good enough. No it isn’t as it keeps failing. Please follow the method. Use those words. Richard designed them and has not changed a little bit since that time. Knowing that he is quite insightful, it must be for a reason. And also, how many times it helped to use those words.

For instance, take this time. The belief was found due to the application of the question. So question is important.

Also it is time to evaluate the method and its benefits objectively so as to stop this reverting back once for all. I should not go by the feeling that it works because the feeling changes during tough times. So I should look for objective facts. It is true that I am able to handle criticism and deal with mails like H’s in a much more objective way. I am able to evaluate things in an objective way. I think I have become more mature in dealing with things. I went to bank, doing my stuff in time. Even the laundry and clothes thing: it is getting better and my attitude towards that is mostly better. Work is generally better though I still have those hiccups. I shouldn’t fall for magnification and disqualifying the positive and jump to conclusions from these negative instances. Remember always that the truth lies in the totality not in the specifics alone. I have definitely changed a lot. Take those sexual triggers... take those feeling bad because of what others say etc. I think I am much better off now.

The self-induced fear paralysis by ‘me’ – ‘me’ gets into a state of paralysis where it sends off fear chemicals whenever it detects movement. I keep thinking that the ‘me’s behaviour is learned from various wild-life scenario encoded in the genes – for instance this paralysis business is probably that which the wild animals do when encountering an unknown (or known but can’t fight) danger. Automatically feeling fearful/anxious/uneasy when detecting an absence of knowledge (foreign country? new technology?) may not serve well as there is not much physical danger (1-2% maybe?). We are not living in the jungle anymore.

I was evaluating what happens when there is fear. Most probably, I desire isolation so that I can focus on the fear and follow it. That is my reaction to fear. So in my case fear leads to isolation. What else?

In isolation, I may feel restless and unable to concentrate on anything.

So I enter a state of discomfort not knowing what to do. How does this change of state happen? Is it a belief that I can change my state? Sure it does happen, but is it not a ‘role’ or a ‘shape’ I am adapting and nothing inherently true about it? Also, how can an external thing switch my state?

It is my agreement to switch the button when something external happens.

So it is ‘me’ who is shifting states... not the external thing is switching my state.

So I am changing my belief that the external things cause my feelings...

feelings are caused by my appraisal of the external things.... somewhat like cognitive therapy. So I should never say: He shouted and made me angry... I should say: He shouted and I appraised it quickly and decided to become angry (though these are not so conscious processes – still there is appraisal and choice... this is the beginning of seeing the choice... the exercise of choice has to start from seeing the choice; contrarily, the denial of choice will block one from seeing the choice and hence block from exercising the choice and hence will appear true!)

I don’t want to resist ideas... I want to evaluate them totally. Not superficially accept/reject.

I don’t really appreciate this two pass algorithm which somehow blocks the pass II from happening effectively. The pass I is too corrupt..

maybe we need a better pass I. I have all the time in the world most of the time. When did I require a quick response? In a party where somebody teases you? In a video game? While crossing the road? In a meeting?

Social gathering?

I really don’t know about others. They are probably busy in their own setting and have reached some kind of equilibrium and not really crying for my help.

The feeling that one gets criticized or get caught for the ‘dirtiness’

compounds the problem. Fear blocks sensible action and tries to push the issue under the carpet oft times making it worse. Is ‘avoidance’ a synonym for fear?

(P.S.: instincts and passions deal with the same problem differently than rational thought; the former paints it with all the emotions and values; the latter just sees the problem and sees what response is best – it doesn’t complicate the problem; does one want to spend energy thinking about the problem or create a pathological inner world based on the problem? the instincts translate the issues of the actual world to that of the real world – to a complex representation; filled with emotions and beliefs; it is like translating the normal stuff to a chess board situation – once you do that the attack and the problems in the chess board are real; it is like you are playing the chess game and suddenly you become the king in the game; the ‘I’ is the chess king; or the card king! another stray idea: emotional memory is not the proof of the objective past, because it can be doctored, but intellectual memory is.

I need to understand as much as possible rationally when devoid of the feeling and identity as these non-understandings are exploited by the identity.)

How can you pursue anything if the ‘me’ doesn’t okay it? So ‘I’ can try to become as sensible as ‘I’ can: pursuing things practical because it eases living. Like doing your work in time. Like choosing to do things because of the results, because of the consequences, because of the benefits rather than the pleasure ‘in’ thing itself. That will expand ‘my’ vision, scope and understanding. Till ‘I’ die, ‘I’ can choose to behave like a nice kid instead of a wilful one.. ‘I’ can never become perfect, but ‘I’ can try to simulate/emulate perfection as much as possible. As Richard says: the path has to emulate the goal. So ‘I’ have to become caring of others, straightforward, magnanimous, considerate, rational, enjoying the moment, sensate, wonder, and all the rest as much as possible. I have to let go of the meaningless worrying/anxiety: something has to be wrong let me find out and spend the time worrying. ‘I’ need to be ever fresh by dropping all the unnecessary garbage that sticks to me. ‘I’ will aid myself, not hinder – ‘I’ will walk gaily on the wide and wondrous path to freedom.

False identification of the problem: I do not know doesn’t mean that I cannot know. If I don’t want to face that I do not know all the parameters, I can avoid the problem: I have to do the opposite. I have to move towards the problem, dig into it and correct the situation.

Avoiding only keeps the ignorance alive and what more the fear compounds day by day. Recognizing the true source of fear is important: wrong identification doesn’t result in total resolution of the fear. If the fear doesn’t go away, if the problem remains after attempting to analyze/understand it, as yourself: am I missing something? am I on the wrong track? Because if you are on the wrong track, you can theorize all you want; you can run fast and energetically; but you won’t reach the goal. It is that simple. How horrible living with fear is. The days are wasted if there is underlying fear. One needs to resolve it as soon as possible: it is extremely important. Imagine yourself running inside a room which is spewing of fire and you don’t see the source... if you think you know the source and shut it off, you will go inside only to get hurt... till you correctly identify the source and turn it off... you should become sufficiently skeptical of your understanding if it doesn’t resolve the problems. If it doesn’t work, something is wrong.

It appears that such obvious wisdom is not practised in psychological world as things are vague and one doesn’t see oneself doing it immediately. Truths are often a hindsight phenomena, sometimes too late. When the problem is unsolved, it affects the whole of being.

The sleep, the leisure everything. So it is important to address and solve the problem as soon as possible instead of avoiding it.

The ‘me’9o0s ugly head sprang up when I didn’t expect it. ‘I’ was scanning the topica for goodies and felt upset about A’s non-reply. Mind built scenarios on this.

The sorrow compounded when I saw myself doing this (spoiling the image of ‘perfection’). Wishing I were dead. I was following the well trodden paths of this instinct/feeling. Experienced it fully a couple of times and am free of it. (P.S.: I am so attached to this instinctual response that I don’t want to let go of it! I don’t want to end it! life appears to be meaningless and purposeless without this part of me) More understanding is wanting. But I feel that I am dropping all this and becoming lighter and cleaner. I feel so peaceful with myself at this second! It is so nice. Future Paul take note of this. Am I lying? How dare you discard whatever I say? I am writing exactly as I feel. I don’t have hidden agenda. Okay? Just learn to respect what I say! You ignoring my words and finding ulterior motives and hidden and un-understood stuff because of your own problems you are facing – is not exactly how I am experiencing this moment. I hope you learn from this when you read this!

I am having such fun typing all this.

I am a mess once again. Some guilt over not working. Oops... it is horrible not knowing what to do. Everything looks gloomy once more. I feel doubly guilty over Su venture. I feel that I should not feel good until I solve this and the solution is not forthcoming. I don’t know what is bothering me and how to go about it. The feelings are horrible and I am totally lost. I don’t know how to proceed. I want to continue in this state of badness and accelerate the bad feelings. (P.S.: I should understand this state unemotionally and intellectually). If I have malicious intention, it turns into a poison as guilt later. Even if it is not so clear that it is malice, the guilt makes it feel that I am malicious! Looks like one can fool others, but not oneself. There is strict punishment waiting inside.

Feeling light and peaceful once again. It feels good after all that outburst. I hope I remember this along with that! How can I make the future selves take this writing seriously? Nothing dirty seems to be visible. I feel healed. Please, it is very important to value the present feeling or else one is ever lost.

In the morning, while in the metro (also in the shower), I was feeling uneasy about M’s approach and feeling bitter about him. Hidden inside is the feeling of fear (and anger) against a possible him getting mad because of my duplicity: I am participating under a pseudonym, not telling him the truth about Su or my actual thoughts etc. His possible anger freaks me out. It is a fundamental wiring of the raw instinct of flight and fight: if the other gets mad (explodes!) you explode too.

Because other’s explosion is an indication of danger: the other can do anything now. The instinctual aggression has overtaken the common sense of that other person. The situation is dangerous. Of course, law fearing persons don’t generally resort to violence even at this juncture... it has to be more. But what if the person doesn’t care about the law? You can try appealing to the common sense pointing out the legal protection and prosecution and the consequences of mad rage. But you participating in the madness only increases the problem. Of course like in the animal kingdom, showing more power might silence the opponent temporarily by making him resort to defence and/or flight. But I think by not being part of this age old mechanism one is better off and has more choices.

Even if the other person ends up exploiting you, you have won.

I am trying to see if this is the case: ‘it’ takes over me and I am a helpless observer with misplaced responsibility. In the sense that it is predetermined and is running rampant: it takes over. I resist, I think I am doing it, I try to think and feel differently, I try to pay attention: all this time it is advancing.

‘I’ have become smaller, thinner. ‘I’ have changed too by dropping certain things.

Also I shouldn’t forget the compliments I am receiving due to the clarity borne out of this thinning of ‘me’. I am able to partake in more things. Others are not involved in this process, they don’t even know what I am talking about (except spiritual seekers like H). Does it mean that I am making an issue out of non-issue? Can I stop all this and get on with life and everything will be fine? Am I amplifying and sustaining this by my obsession? Am I a moron to do such things? After all billions of people do live their lives and don’t get this abstract. I am the ‘odd’ man out obsessed in certain inner happenings. I don’t think this obsession can be afforded by anybody else but me, with this laid back job! Maybe monks. Or people who are vacationing. Retired people. I am spending exorbitant amount of time in this. Is it worth it? Is there an alternative way? Is there a choice? Can I drop this and instead jump into life? Like marriage and kids? Like career?

I am feeling extremely guilty because of my selfish pursuit of understanding the ‘me’ – I feel so because I am not doing normal things like work and I am cheating. I am lying about my work and I am unscrupulous. I am presenting myself to the world as if I don’t have problems but I do have a lot of problems. I am not writing to U and I am involving Su without bothering about the consequences.

I am acting as if all the problems are solved. I am afraid of a relapse.

I feel that I am a bad person doing all this. I am cheating the world at large. I am guilty at core! I am pretending to be happy and I am not. I am dirty and whatever I do is dirty. I exploit my company and people like S and even the mailing list. I want to feel good by having a set of rules to follow and feel good that I conform to it, feeling virtuous. In the absence of rules, I feel guilty about my potential – a corrupt nature, wayward and selfish. I am also afraid of the complex situations that might arise out of assuming that I am perfect while I am not.

*when I looked into the hate for the actual world: I said: what is the use of the actual world? isn’t it boring? these sense organs? – forgetting that that is the foundation, basis for my life. then I was able to peacefully spend some time in the actual world

* s. instinct makes me a horny king; withdrawn somewhat. I don’t want to be the king.. I want to be out of chess board

* is it the desire instinct that is the root of depression? unsatisfied desire turning into depression? or is it the desire to survive? or is it that the desire to survive becomes bitter and becomes suicidal (the opposite of it, just as love turns into a hate)

* if you feel X, it doesn’t mean that it is X. it is the feeler’s sensing X ... nothing more to it.

one of the reasons the feeling takes over is that the thought is not able to refute it.

It is not able to see the big picture. the reason being, the thought is too much concerned about the present and misses the future and the past.

Once I do that through thinking, feeling can go home. can go to grave.

Know thyself... the ‘me’ is a program... a dynamic programming model is due... the transition system of all situations you have to be non-judgmental about the program. it is like the rope and the snake; the two birds; you cannot judge one to be right and the other to be wrong; there is only one experience at any time. the critic is as faulty as the criticized – both are arbitrary; you can’t arbitrarily judge arbitrary stuff; what can be said is that the ‘me’ is malicious and sorrowful – that is a fact; but the distortion is not yet a fact – because only distortion is the experience. in hindsight on a thorough analysis one can spot the distortion – but to merely believe because of all kinds of things that distortion exists (or it has to be a rope! because now it appears to be a rope) is to deal without integrity; it is to fight a belief with a belief; it is to fight incompleteness with incompleteness; one has to be little more careful. to say the ‘me’ is wrong without evaluation, by invoking general principle, or a belief, or intuition, or crooked logic, or commonly accepted sense, or peer pressure only creates a basic division in oneself; it creates repression; it creates the unconscious. I have been waging what I thought a holy war, a righteous battle with my subconscious; but it merely is a fake misunderstood struggle. I welcome the feelings with open arms. even the psychotic (?) episode deserves a careful analysis before one brushes it off as being false.

So that goddamn thing that feelings are distortions is a belief. and I was trying to prove this desperately all these days.

Before I forget:

1. image about M: I saw that it is preventing me from looking at him (K stuff) and I was busy trying to find proof for the feeling... I saw how false it all is... it ended (but it is back today. that is a different story).

2. I gave this analogy of puppeteer running the show and only puppet is visible; the rational part is not visible; but Mary said: but he is there! so puppeteer has to be inferred! he cannot be seen as the identity but the common sense/intelligent motions of the puppet are due to this unseen common sense/intelligence; the instinctual passions dominate and this makes it appear like that the other component is not there but it is there.

3. the sexual instinct is : fuck her move on fuck the other... it is insatiable. it is violent and only concerns itself ...  it is mechanical forceful and will create chaos and is already creating chaos. there are so many thoughts the instinct puts in the brain, go suck her boobs, go lift her skirt and lick her ass, all animal instincts!

The depression is assumed and everything seems to be a proof (including the depression) for the depression! Isn’t it crazy! That the sorrow and guilt and depression is taken to be true... and why does it require a proof? Is it doubtful of itself? Depression is a hell of a lot of complication of a simple problem. is depression ‘a priori’ ? ‘i am not perfect, therefore I am depressed’ seems to be the underlying principle.

the above is fantastic...

more: I recognized that the ‘fear’ of depression is the culprit... it portrays the depression (or un-understood feelings) as a catastrophe... a singularity.... as a bottomless pit that has no exit... something to be avoided at all costs... cannot rest in peace till that is totally dissolved... the problem with this approach is that instead of resolving the depression, it has made it mysterious and unsolvable.

sex instinct: desire to flirt.

also, the mismatch from the man’s instinct (impregnate) with woman’s (provide and nurture) is the battle betwixt the sexes.

What is it like if you don’t use ‘like’ or words describing the innermost experience?

M’s point is becoming clear. I am using the forest lingo instead of the god lingo to describe, feel, imagine the inner.

M – I felt the instinct of aggression when I was faced with the question of blog.

I can taste the instinct... that instinct that has created wars, hatred, and unresolvable conflicts.

Also found the core part which doesn’t want to be questioned... which is angry about criticisms.

I am depressed after talking to Venkat and the mail from Su.

What is the source of depression? One of the reasons for depression seems to be circular... since depression is not fully solved there is depression. I need to recognize that this is the only reason that remains for depression.

What is fear? Primarily the whole system feels an alarm for some danger... flight.... hypersensitive... something amiss... danger..

alarm... is the quick and dirty amygdala mechanism more effective in detecting the danger? Is it more effective in dealing with the danger?

It is more incorrect than correct... you are positing the physical danger scenarios... but so far, it has been felt so many times and none of them has been physically dangerous... so, 99% wrong and 1% right and you won’t know the difference? Isn’t it a costly price?

Either I can rely on this fear mechanism and live my life in fear... or I can rely on my common sense and live peacefully and take a chance!

The mind’s eye sees lot of stuff and reacts to it... don’t control...

But ask why you are creating misery... I have no intention of controlling... want to gently question myself whether it is okay to be miserable... half the time I am imagining and reacting to imaginary things... I live in the mental world (real world?) most of the time...

Some stuff I will expand later:

* ‘me’ is the ‘other’

* anger recognizes anger; emotion recognizes the emotion; the above subsumes this

*social identity tries to bring about harmlessness; the desire is for selfish happiness; actualism implements both by eliminating the ‘me’ the source of sorrow and malice.

* H’s devious spirituality: consciousness is the immortal soul!

* the sorrow wants to suffer; wants to get its way in the external world; and desires to convert oneself into all the desirable stuff... wish and wish for magic... suffer more and more...

* this feeling bad and isolating oneself and imagining and conceptualizing and theorizing has not worked!!!! what is the point? is it not like meditation? only that it is even worse... I am wallowing in the negative world instead of the positive world in isolation... this is the mechanism of storing all the unpleasant stuff and releasing it elsewhere... it only sustains the whole thing

* step out of the real world and leave the self behind; no point in dwelling and trying to correct the imaginary world... live in the actual world and fix the imaginary problems as they arise. in fixing, pay attention to the input and thought that triggered the whole thing a moment ago... this can lead to facts... instead if you fantasize, theorize, imagine, speculate, believe based on the feelings that are going on... it will lead nowhere.

* what can I do? I cannot do many things mechanically without the aid of intelligence... when I fear that I can’t do something, I am only fearing that I can’t do it mechanically... with intelligence and knowledge, I don’t need to have the mechanical surety to do things.

* work causes depression in me and then I go to imaginary domains to solve the problem; this approach will never work because I never solve the root cause of the problem... I never even take into account the root cause... I am not even fully aware of it... this way I will never resolve the problem.. indeed I have been wasting so many years with this approach. this is not living with the world as it is... because the world as it is has these things... and if it causes one to resent and branch off to some imaginary realms, one is not living in the world as it is... one is resentful of it.

No matter what I do in imaginary realm, I won’t solve the actual problem. my approach of jumping to imagination is false, will never work.

Also, this jumping to imagination is both the cause and effect of the bad feeling. I don’t want to work because I want to jump to imagination, I want to jump to imagination because I don’t want to work.

This is one of the most wonderful discoveries!!!!!! Amazing! I have found one of the big causes of my suffering. Actualism works!

* resentment for the present and the work is a major impediment to harmony.

‘Work’ is to be resented because it is imposed by the environment, whereas what ‘I’ choose by my whim is play... so anything that the environment asks me to do, whether it is beneficial or not, whether it was a consequence of my own doings or not, is to be resented, hated, rebelled against.... non-sense. if such an attitude is not present, the ‘work’ is not ‘work’ ... it is an activity and it is enjoyable.

Even if self and feelings keep occurring, it is still an illusion. Dreams keep occurring... that doesn’t validate the dreams, dreamer, dream experience. It is entirely in one’s mind. It has no actuality. If that is not imaginary, what is imaginary? Self can no way prove its actuality to me. Only way would be some brain surgery shows a module called self, maybe.

‘It exists because it moves by itself’ seems to be the belief of conscious thought. It cannot be taken as a proof of existence beyond one’s mind. One needs to find the physical existence. The mental phenomenon is in the mind. You can imagine anything you want. It can come and go in your mind because of various brain activities... doesn’t mean a thing.

The physically non-existent pure mental (and heart) being has a lot of power on the body... on the intentions... it moves and responds to everything... it is alive and kicking... it is cunning and clever... it creates problems and helplessness... it directs one to do this and that... all this fools the intelligence to take it for actual.

I was most definitely hurt by A’s mails and I was trying to take revenge in the name of rational response by hiding/denying the underlying hurt.

I was being very very cunning. The hurt wants to attack. I cannot live with my fellow human being with this hurt being nursed in the bosom.

This hurt provides energy and intention to attack the opponent. It is the source of all violence, murders etc. It cannot rest until the opponent is silenced into submission. And it is so cunning to use the most harmless rationality for its own purposes. Such is the deceit.

I am free of this hurt now. How glad I am.

Also the sex instinct... the pleasure part is peanuts compared to the misery and violence it brings about. It doesn’t care a damn for the individual happiness... it has a goal. It is for the species... I don’t want to anything with this instinct anymore since I see its effects.

This suicide instinct is probably what is being used by this suicide teams... how dangerous... how malicious and self-serving. There is no meaning to it.. it must be common to all impulse... since I didn’t particularly create it.

Also the fear/feeling bad/anger on being exposed... is for self-protection. No, I don’t need it. I have nothing psychological to protect... welcome all exposures.

Why am I getting irritated on seeing pending things?

The ‘me’ is afraid that its belief that things are difficult, things are unpleasant is challenged when you have clear sight. It doesn’t want to solve the problem and prolong the misery just because it wants to keep the belief.

When I thought about Sam’s voice-overip, I felt this hatred/violence in me... competition?

I realized yesterday that the ‘me’ less world is full of sorrow because it lacks love... but the projection is not correct because, it is dead, passive, cold, finite.

Whereas the actual world is alive (minimum oneself!!! a living being), dynamic, active, bright, infinite, variegated. sensible (both meanings!)... so great.

Before we try to fix the problem, we should see what is the source of the problem. It may be unreal in which case there is no problem to be fixed. Feeling bored and looking for entertainment, feeling bad and conceptualizing because of that (spiritual search) belong to that category. If you accept the problem unquestioningly, you will have to solve the problem; and you may not be able to solve the problem fully if you don’t identify the problem at its source. This selfishly seeking company because of boredom goes under the name of caring. This again makes sense in the context of survival instincts: social bonding etc.

The imagined conflict with the environment – where one feels the necessity (from the environment) and not wanting to conform, obey, satisfy – one is in a rebellious state. This is a problem. The environment always has options – it is self-induced bondage mostly.

Clear eyed seeing reveals that it is oneself one is conflict with – the wanting of the one and not the other of the same package; choosing the cause and trying to escape the consequences.

When M signed in, the bonding instinct arose. It tried to impel me into a conversation – a mechanically towards contact. I am still not free.

I still have the hurt... I want to pat Vineeto and fear that B will attack me. Animal world! As long as ‘me’ is alive, it will use all the rationality etc. for self-serving purposes. True as the method progresses, the ‘me’ becomes thinner and thinner... and hence more and more difficult to detect.

I think I am at a point where I can feel the feelings freely.... I want to go all the way (without controls) with every feeling... I am not being silly in not controlling... I want to see where all this takes me.

Only condition: no harm to others. Feel everything fully... sorrow and malice that is ‘me’. No rationality... no control... no conformity to values and patterns and morals.

I live in constant fear that somebody (like B, A, M) is going to expose ‘me’....

I still have all the sorrow and malice going on... but I thought that it is no more ‘me’ doing but it happening of its own accord... I have let go of all controls etc. isn’t the case now though.

when I pondered on what will happen if there is no mailing list, my life became meaningless... then I realized that I am viewing actualism as a religion and dividing the world into actualists and non-actualists to be saved... this is the cult-instinct... with this attitude, I can never have actual intimacy with a common man... I am ever separated. then I saw the centre... the thinker maybe?... which is isolated and can never meet the common man... the whole conceptual world of actualism made of words came tumbling down.

but still the feeler is intact... the quality is getting better and better... less need for revenge (though it exists).

I saw the ‘r’ in me! Full blown. I can understand the tamil cinema ‘r’’s now!

‘I’ am an absolute r!

I learnt that entity (the feeler) is rotten to the core! it creates mischief all the time and takes its beliefs and feelings to be real (can’t differentiate!) and doesn’t know how to get out of the mess. I am no different from B in firing malice towards M and A... I am no different from A in creating these beliefs and concepts and feelings and taking it for real... I have to be extremely cautious as I am operating without the social mores... and the instincts can take over... I just saw how powerful they are.

And the feeler disguised as benevolent shows his true character when exposed! He is a bitter fighter at the core, self-centred, feeling superior and creating harm in the name of good.

I think the entity wants to throw confusing emotions when exposed to block intelligence.

‘I’ am sorrow and malice.

‘I’ am so cunning that ‘I’ will take over the intelligence in no time...

‘I’ will invent theories for my survival... why ‘my’ survival is better than actual freedom... remember ‘I’ have kept the intelligent humans in dark for more than 40,000 years!

Still lot of work needs to be done! You should catch ‘me’ early... for instance the ‘me’ was afraid of A’s mail in the morning... it went unnoticed though...

I refuse to be blackmailed by the entity... if I feel depressed or unwilling to work, I am not going to program to change the behaviour to suit the work... I am going to let ‘me’ decay in itself... suffer the consequences...

I am addicted to the list... how many tricks the mind plays once the list is removed... can I know that I am free? or can I only know that I am dependent? Let us wait for a week and see... I can’t think of any effective test without withdrawing.

Also, I ‘dislike’ that M ‘dislikes’... I dislike his self-indulgence... as if I am not. I am the same material... I can’t become higher self by hating ‘self’... it is all the same.

Life is meaningless once you take away the list... I am in an irritable mood...

‘I’ want to influence others... vain... impress... very cunning indeed.

pun: I have become ‘listless’

pride (don’t want to be weak) blocking the evaluation of suicide...

I say that for the sake of others I need to communicate... because when ‘I’ is extant it can see other ‘I’ and give some valuable wisdom that happens along the process... but the key question is: this is the reason stated for communication, but is it the real reason? or the need is in disguise? yes the latter.

Many things are happening... I can’t really keep up with all this...

Still ‘listless’... but not listless.

Belief in actual world is not necessary. It produces a second rate world.

Don’t know should be faced... when you face it instead of believing, you see that you know certain things. No need to believe.

Reason can only control the feelings... not eliminate it. It may be silly to have all these feelings... but if this is used as controlling mechanism, it only sustains it. The ‘me’ is silly... it should see this and decide to drop off by itself. It cannot become non-silly by controlling its silliness... it is silly and rotten to the core.

And no need to run away, fear or deny depression... it is only of ‘my’ states as others: anger, proud... feel it fully. ‘I’ am depressed. It is one of my attributes.

Feel it fully: is a belief.

After you feel it fully once, you are not adding value to it by feeling again and again.

find reasons... don’t assume that it is without reason.... that’s a belief there fuelling the feelings... giving licentiousness to the feelings.

Feeler can move this way or that way... but cannot think. All emotion backed thinking is a guess work.... a belief. The only responsibility for thought is to reflect back on the emotions... not read between the gaps.

Desire to be me... desire to exist... desire to use thought to build an elaborate nest out of resentment and sorrow... no amount of thinking is going to do the job as long as there is no desire to end... to immolate... No 75(33), 17.5.2005

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