Others ~ Selected Correspondence

Fear

How are your communications outside this mailing list, in everyday life? Is it like this?

The reason I asked this is because if I think of sending a mail response to you, then I immediately think that you might start calling names etc.... some kind of fear of your response. I was wondering if people around you are scared of you because you call them names etc. and go to attack mode.

I suppose you better study harder to get rid of any fear or fears your current identity experiences. Perhaps you should thank me for exposing your hiding fear so you can investigate it and eradicate using actualist surgical techniques for removing any sort of emotion emanating from the illusion of self.

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There is no world of actualism (there is actual world but not ‘world of actualism’). Yes I thank you for such an exposure. But it doesn’t mean that I intellectually accept such ‘foul mouth’ (as in I won’t go about doing it) as I can see the harm it can cause.

Good to know that the experience for the people around you in the real world is contrary to the one is felt by me in the mailing list.

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But since actualism is not about holding others responsible for one’s emotion, I have looked into issues like why do I feel unpleasant when somebody uses such strong words and resorts to calling names... there is an automatic instinctual aggression/ fear once one feels insulted/ threatened etc... solving this doesn’t mean that one becomes a pacifist, it does not result in withdrawal or anything... of course you may say, this is all meaningful only to me and not to you... as it is my experience... as you have expressed everywhere. But if there was a sensible dialogue between you and me, I am sure it will be an interesting discussion because though I don’t know you, you and I being human beings must have landed in similar situations and must have similar mechanisms... comparing notes if possible, is not only enjoyable but can be freeing/learning experience. Opens one’s eyes to other’s experiences etc. Of course this being actualism mailing list, our discussions will be like: ‘this approach of actualism doesn’t work for me.... how can you say that?’ etc. (i.e. sensible discussion about actualism based on personal experience... it doesn’t mean that you have to agree to whatever it is said in this list/site... you can say it doesn’t work etc.).

When you are cleaning the house, if you see dirt at one corner it doesn’t mean that you give up... you clean it and it goes away. It works, and it has gone away: the proof is I can mail you with sensible words instead of holding a grudge, instead of aggression or instead of hiding. Just for your intellectual understanding: Actual freedom is when some irrevocable thing happens in the brain as it did to Richard or a temporary experience of PCE where one is in the actual world. The method of actualism is a process where one can incrementally (note the word incrementally) clean oneself up of the emotional baggage (produced by the illusion of self as you say... do you understand that it is an illusion?)...

I have learnt one thing in my own experience and from others’: when one holds prejudices against others, one doesn’t read what is written carefully. And most of the problems and miscommunications I see are due to the fact that due attention is not paid to what is written. Once I saw this (even now I err, but less) I started reading carefully: whether one agrees with the other or not, one at least sees what the other is saying and it puts an end to endless repetitions and rounds of clarification.

Don’t you think your discourse about fear is identical to UGK? (if you are interested in proof, I can provide from UGK where he says exactly the same.... but I won’t copy and paste because of your allergy to it). You said somewhere above:

I must say that for the most part, you actualists are a polite pleasant lot

... why do you now say ‘Actualism is a very violent religion’ ? Because of its ruthless exposure of the illusion of self? Because of its critique on compassion? You accuse so much what you feel obvious to you... I do not deny that you feel it so.... otherwise you may not be writing all this. But can you prove one accusation beyond doubt? Just one? (I know you are not interested in proving).

I ask this because feelings, the most valued stuff by everybody, is not a reliable device for finding out what is actual.... one feels so strongly because of something and takes it to be true... once the feeling goes away... one feels the opposite. No 33 to No 58

The agoraphobia I experienced was controlling my life about four years ago, and at that time I could not have cared as I do now for actualism. My mind was just too murky for me to even think about life, the universe, what it means to be a human being… The agoraphobia was reduced, in great part, because I adopted a belief system, which claimed to be a cure-all for mental illnesses. I started practicing Dianetics for a while. Such was my faith in this system that I started to feel so much better and virtually freed myself of agoraphobia. However, it did not take long for me to see how false the whole organization was and I soon parted my way … only to be back experiencing life as I had done so before this enthusiastic belief.

Freeing myself from this particular belief had a negative effect; the agoraphobia came back. So then I decided to adopt a different kind of belief; I took in eastern spiritualism, especially Krishnamurti, and the agoraphobia, as well as a bunch of other depressing stuff, again seemed to have magically disappeared (but of course they didn’t). Then two years later I serendipitously came across Alan, Gary, Peter, Richard, Vineeto … and they completely rocked my boat.

I had no idea the influence actualism would turn out to have on me, but I knew I would have to start from scrap, so what I read hit me like a ton of bricks. And so once again I was back with my fear of public places, although it had somehow lost intensity along the way (maybe because while practicing Dianetics, or being spiritual, I had interacted with a lot of people and in different places) … but this time most of my fears did not disappear as fast as when I had adopted different beliefs; instead of neglecting this time I was actually looking at/into and being fear (and not in the romantic Krishnamurtian way).

That’s why actualism was so hard for me to begin with, especially the first couple of months … I would even try to make it into a belief system, but this never lasted, and so it seemed that actualism was worsening my condition instead of making me free of it.

Most of the things I read sounded very true, however, this would not make me feel any better … I tried the first months applying as much of actualism as I could ... but it wouldn’t seem to work. I would then read more and more carefully, and try to apply it again, but still I could not make anything radically new happen.

Until it finally ‘clicked’ that I was not really applying actualism, to be happy and harmless, but rather applying what I felt, or wanted, actualism to be (what it seemed to be) and this had nothing to do with actualism.

I wanted a quick relief, like with my previous getaway beliefs, and I did not want to work for it nor did I want to be subjective about it … because it hurts. I know for a fact now that becoming free of the human condition does not occur by just reading what others have to say, then wishing for it to be true, and then feeding off this faith; or thinking that some energy will eventuate because of the knowledge I accumulate. It really has been, and sometimes still is, very hard work, and very personal … but it is paying off.

To use my experience with agoraphobia as an example, when I first started applying actualism I could not go to the supermarket without feeling anxious, nervously sweating, and so I always tried to convince someone to go with me (people would look funny when I asked them to accompany me as they did not know how hard it was for me to interact in public places). Then, just a few months ago, I would be very indecisive about going to the supermarket but I would reluctantly do it, and by myself; afterwards I would say ‘it wasn’t so bad after all’. Now it is a joy for me to go to the groceries (I even did a friends’ the other day). I still feel fear, sometimes more than others, but it does almost nothing to me. I get the same adrenaline rush as if I were on a roller coaster, except much more exciting, and challenging as well. No 47 to No 45

I think I can say in retrospect that what I went through recently with fears was another layer in dismantling the social identity and uncovering the instincts. It is not, as you point out, a cool dispassionate business this, and there are bound to be many storms along the way. As I have said before, I have a tendency to make more out of these things than they probably deserve. For instance, I have noticed that it is a distinct tendency of mine to think that I have been terribly angry and offended someone else and when later checking this out with the other person they tell me in no uncertain terms that I did not seem very angry at all and that what happened was hardly worth bothering about.

I am still going through a lot of fear. I would say the predominant emotion is fear. At times it is a restless, anxious feeling. It is rather low grade, hardly what I would call panic. I noticed it particularly yesterday when I was at work – it was almost a constant backdrop. Hardly debilitating, I am able to function in spite of it. I noticed as the day went on, it dissipated somewhat and as I returned home, I felt none of it. It seems to have no specific referent. I cannot say I am afraid of this... or I am afraid of that... I notice at times when I meet and interact with people that there is considerable fear and anxiety at first, at the very first contact. I felt very anxious recently when I was going to be interacting with the clients I serve. I have been wondering what it is about. I wonder if I am afraid of what people will think of me. I have become a ‘traitor’ to Humanity’s Tried and True ways. Did you go through anything like this? Have others? Gary to Peter

They certainly do. Sometime ago, it was suggested there be a compilation of symptomatic experiences people have when undertaking the dismantling of their instinctual being. I don’t know if this has been done in any organized fashion. From time to time, people have commented on this list about some of the subjective experiences they have related to dealing with instincts. I can say that one of things I have experienced is intensely painful sensations in my head. Not too awfully long ago, I felt like my head was literally being sundered in two – it was not exactly a headache (I’ve had plenty of those). This differed. There was a physical feeling like my head was literally going to explode. This was during an intense period of questioning and investigating with myself. A great amount of fear was coming up at this time. This exploding head feeling went on for about a week and then subsided. During that time, the feeling ebbed and flowed. I think this feeling was definitely related to all the fear I was experiencing. I had about all I could do to just hang in there and go about my daily duties. But now that feeling is gone. The instinct of fear remains, but it is something I can walk away from – it is not gripping me like it was. Now it seems like anger is the most prevalent invidious emotion that I am experiencing – anger and its close sisters: resentment, frustration, annoyance, etc. Gary to Peter

The human social identity is rooted in comparison to others – we are taught by reward and punishment to conform to society’s standards – to be ‘good like Johnny or Betty’, ‘not to be bad like Tom or Sally’. As children our performance and behaviour is constantly ranked and rated at home and school in comparison to others as we are imbibed with a social conscience. Conformity and mediocrity become our role models and we have only two choices – either to humbly acquiesce or blindly rebel.

Humanity rewards conformity and punishes rebellion, giving rise to endless cycles of endemic necessary suffering and senseless necessary struggle. The only way out of this mess is to become autonomous – to break free of the shackles that continually hobble us to comparing ourselves to others who are similarly afflicted by the human condition. I found the only way to do this was to do it – thinking about it, worrying about it, or fearing the consequences of freedom only wasted even more time.

Had I not been so keen to compare myself with others, I doubt the situation at work would have as seriously upset my equilibrium as it did. In any event, one’s ‘equilibrium’ is extremely precarious: most people seem to react rather violently to even minor changes in their circumstances. The whole recent situation at work got me in touch with my fear of failure, and I even felt that I had failed at actualism. I don’t think I have expressed this before, but I have feared that I was a failure at that which I am most interested in – peace and harmony with those around me. I also think in some respects I am afraid to practice actualism because I am afraid I will end up bereft of companionship, home, sanity, income, and comfort. I think very subtly I have had the attitude: ‘So, this is what it all has gotten you – now you’ve lost your job and embarrassed yourself – see what you get!’ Sometimes it gets so scary I wish I could turn tail and run back to the ‘safety’ of the Human Condition. Actually, thinking about it, I suppose I could if I really wanted.

So, Peter, I think I am finding the doing part very difficult. I seem to be spinning my wheels a lot fearing the consequences. Gary to Peter

There are different levels of engagement with the world around you. Some people are very engaged, socially and politically. Some individuals are very engaged in civic activities, for instance. I am not. To people who lead more socially oriented lives, I would probably look somewhat like a hermit. But the critical thing is that I am not avoiding these things because I am afraid of them, simply because I prefer not to do these things. I have very much experienced the impetus to take on an activity because I would ordinarily avoid it. I think one needs to face and eliminate fears. And one cannot eliminate a fear if one is avoiding the object of the fear. By actually taking on the very thing that one is afraid of, one has an excellent opportunity to fully investigate whatever issue is preventing an intimacy with one’s fellows. To some extent, this very sort of thing occurred during my job search. I found myself charging into some career areas that ordinarily I would avoid because I have the interest and desire to find out what I have been avoiding. A confidence develops that one can eliminate fears in this way, by probing, questioning, and challenging oneself to go further all the time. Gary to Peter

If you would be willing to share this, I would be interested in knowing more about what happened to you of an adverse nature in your investigation into fear. My interest is also not only regarding the dangers of deeply investigating fear but also, along with it, there is the relation of physical health and virtual or actual freedom.

The investigation into the basic instinct of fear, which I have experienced as ‘nerve- wracking’, to say the least, must have inevitable physiological concomitants. As I am not free from fear, I can only imagine what happens to the body when it is expunged of instinctual fear. If fear is greatly reduced or diminished, through a state of Virtual Freedom, I would think there would be a tremendous benefit that ensues to the physiological organism. Whilst naturally there are diseases that arise of a viral nature or due to unhealthy life-styles, or even cancer, I am wondering what happens to people when the feeling-affective faculty has been expunged. I could further imagine that this might work both ways: both positive and negative. You seem to be pointing to some negative effects and dangers to the process. Any further information that you or others could impart would be greatly appreciated. If such information exists already in the archives, I would appreciate you directing me to it. Gary to Alan

You said, Alan, that you would be interested in hearing of my ‘nerve wracking’ experiences with investigating fear. What these have amounted to really is an intense experiencing of the fear – one might describe them as anxiety attacks but I can’t say they have really been of that intensity. It has mostly come up in the work situation where a lot of my fears seem to come up. At times, I have been intensely aware of how I am holding my body, where the tension is concentrated. When I am feeling fearful and self-protective, a good deal of tension centres in my legs. My legs feel literally like coiled steel springs. I have also had almost squirming ‘fits’ where I felt I could scarce contain myself for fear of making the most ludicrous remarks to a co-worker when I felt I was on the defensive. On one occasion, I had a rather sudden episode of anger. The people I work with thought it was relatively minor and didn’t seem to get too upset about it, but I did. I think finally, on that occasion, I resolved within myself to get to the bottom of it and be done with it. Anger and rage have dogged me my entire life. I want to be free of it. Not just rearranging it, suppressing it, keeping it under control, but be totally and completely free of it. So there it is, my ‘nerve wracking’ experiences. May not sound very nerve wracking. But what seems different is the intent to be free of it, to be carefree and happy, to be harmless. And also what is different is the awareness of the subtle manifestations of the fear and the attendant other emotions (jealousy, envy, love, nurture, pity, etc.). So, it’s an interesting trip ... what? Gary to Alan

This is where the defensiveness set in. I thought I don’t need you to tell me about the appalling brutalities that have been committed in the past 100 years. But rather than persisting in a defensive reaction, and making some kind of defensive retort to your post, some kind of knee jerk reaction, I decided to really try to understand what I was feeling defensive about and why I was feeling that way. There is something about this whole issue that I just have not ‘gotten’, something that has not clicked with me. And it goes way beyond just dealing in the semantics of it – the meaning of words and their usage – and it goes to the heart of the matter. And I must admit – and this is very hard – that I have been mistaken in this: you see, I thought that making and using weapons was an intelligent reaction to a perceived danger from other human beings, but I am reconsidering this.

This is the crux of the matter. You see, ‘I’ have been living in fear and I don’t want to admit it nor give up my cherished existence. ‘I’ don’t want to give up my ‘extensive defensive preparations’, for ‘I’ feel naked and vulnerable without them. The simple truth of the matter is that fear is not intelligence. It is the instincts that are killing people around the world, and it is the instincts that make me not only capable of killing but of wanting to kill another fellow human being. I found that in thinking about what has happened in the last 100 years, indeed in all of recorded human history, it has been impossible for me to separate what has happened historically from what goes on on an individual, ‘personal’ level, what takes place inside of this critter named ‘Gary’. I am just another sane, normal human being- and it has been these same sane, normal human beings that have, for the most part, been responsible for the appalling bloodshed that has happened and is still happening.

... a species that gets to the stage of MAD is not intelligent, it is a species driven by senseless passion. To bring a permanent end to this MAD-ness would undoubtedly be a triumph of intelligence over blind passion.

And because ‘I’ live in fear, indeed ‘I’ am fear, my intelligence is hamstrung by the instinctual passions and cannot therefore operate freely. To me, mad and afraid go together – it is exceedingly difficult for me to tell where fear starts, leaves off, and MAD begins. I have noticed at times in the past while driving that when a careless driver swerves into my path, there is the first instantaneous burst of movement to avoid the danger and then, sometimes, this is followed a bit later by an angry reaction (‘You f...ing jerk, watch where you’re going’). So the anger seems to come a bit later. Sometimes too the fear comes a little later. I don’t know if that makes any sense – maybe it is just my labelling of the fear or anger that comes later and not the emotion itself, but at least what I explained above seems like what happens. Often though, there is the instantaneous reaction to avoid the danger and no anger, no fear. I much prefer it that way. Gary to Peter

In the posted material you supplied under this title, I came across the following. I have excerpted it for brevity sake. It reads:

<snip> Killing while protecting one’s own body from death at the hands of another is a violation. Whether or not any justification seems apparent, the violation exists.

(Long pause.) Because you believe that physical self-defence is the only way to counter such a situation then you will say, ‘If I am attacked by another person, are you telling me that I cannot aggressively counter his obvious intent to destroy me?’ Not at all. You could counter such an attack in several ways that do not involve killing. You would not be in such a hypothetical situation to begin with unless violent thoughts of your own, faced or unfaced, had attracted it to you.’ ‘The Nature of Personal Reality’ Seth via J.Roberts

This excerpt was meaningful to me because I am wondering how to face violence in myself, fully and comprehensively. I have, since I was young, been concerned with personal protection. I used to be unable to sleep unless I had a loaded gun nearby.

During my ‘nerve wracking’ periods of facing fear, I seem to be very concerned with keeping myself fully armed. When I am really fearful, I stockpile ammunition and it gives me a feeling of safety and protection, albeit a false sense of safety. I realize that in a shooting war there is no place of safety, that bombs and planes can wipe you out in a second.

In any event, the statement ‘You would not be in such a hypothetical situation to begin with unless violent thoughts of your own, faced or unfaced, had attracted it to you.’ This seems particularly true. I wonder if I have really faced the violence that is at the core of such an exaggerated concern with personal safety and protection. I don’t think getting rid of my guns is the solution, for the problem lies with the beliefs, values, and instinctual passions that provide the fuel for such fear and aggression. I have noticed of late that I am not interested in the guns or ammunition stockpiling. I have more of a sense of safety. Your posted material, while extensive, attracted me because this portion of it leapt out at me. Last night I awoke from a nightmare. I was howling in my sleep because something or somebody was killing me, I am sure. It takes a while to realize it’s just a dream.... Gary to No 8

I went through a bout of fear last week, on Thursday to be exact. The fear was in relation to the supervisor incident from the preceding week.

The whole situation was still brewing inside me from the previous week. I went to meet with this supervisor and the staff group as a whole again (we usually do that every other week). I had my guard up, to say the very least. But at the same time, I was going through all kinds of fears, some of the atavistic kind, no doubt. All this was going on even though there was no real threat in the situation, it all seemed very threatening to me. It was all I could do to sit in the room. At times I felt like getting up and bolting out.

Some odd thoughts were arising in my mind, including violent thoughts. I at no time had the experience of the fear ‘suddenly’ losing its terrifying quality. Rather the feelings persisted for quite a while. It was only until the afternoon that there was some subsidence in the emotional stuff; I noted that my interactions with others became easier. But when I got home that night, I felt totally exhausted and wrung out by the experience.

Interestingly, the day after my fear bout, I awoke completely refreshed, full of vim and vigour. I had a fantastic day, with nary a spot of anxiety or fear. It was like the fear had completely left me. My interactions with others were spontaneous and relaxed. I had a wonderful day, indeed, an excellent day. Going through it and sitting in all that fear seemed to have paid off handsomely. I cannot really explain it, but it is something that one must go through in order to get to the other side of it. I am still dismantling the social identity, and fear is activated whenever I feel I have ‘strayed too far’. Then I become afraid of punishment by the group or by the authorities. In the past, I think I would have related the fear more to childhood experiences. But now I think I see that there is a primal, instinctual quality to it. One’s very ‘being’ is threatened with extinction, and it is fighting like the blazes to stay alive. And it seems to me that this is the real work – this is like hitting pay dirt for the actualist, because one is uncovering the primitive instincts. There is nothing for it but to wade in with a shovel and start digging some more when you feel like throwing down the shovel and fleeing the scene. Gary to No 7

An interesting article I read, by Van der Kalk, entitled ‘The Body Keeps Score’ (available on Internet), summarizes the present state of knowledge regarding effects of traumatic memories, both the hormonal and the neuronal mechanisms. As I understand it, which corresponds with what you say, traumatic memories are not represented symbolically in memory but in a different kind of memory which operates primarily in an unconscious, pre-symbolic mode. Events that occur in the here-and-now, let us say threatening events, trigger this non-symbolic memory which is probably stored in the more primitive parts of the brain, resulting in the purely emotional and instinctual responses, the by-now familiar ‘hijacking’ of the neocortex. This probably helps to account for ‘flashback’ phenomenon and the emotional triggering and subsequent flooding by emotions that is sometimes experienced when one has been subjected to events like child abuse, wartime trauma, rape, etc. It seems to me that relatively innocuous events and occurrences can trigger the full range of emotional response – as a classic example, the backfiring of a car or a helicopter circling in the sky can cause a traumatized war veteran to emotionally re-experience the war. The non-symbolic memory trace, apparently stored in the primitive, emotional part of the brain, is experienced as a purely visceral experience. I think this is substantially what you are pointing to. But the article by Van der Kalk talks about another startling finding: that traumas such as rape, child abuse, war experiences, torture, etc., cause long-lasting, perhaps permanent, alterations in hormonal and neuronal physiology. Now I realize that I have dwelled quite a bit about memories of trauma and the associated physical and emotional aspects when the part of the experience encoded in the primitive brain is relived. You may wonder why I have focused so much on that. And the reason for that is that that is one of the ways that I make sense out of what is happening to me. You see, the rapidity and intensity with which these feelings and emotions are experienced is truly amazing. Of course, I may just be up against the instinctual passions, period, with no need to invoke trauma and memories of same. But since the instinctual passions are what has caused child abuse, rape, and exploitation by one human being of another, and since the one experiencing this brutality is overwhelmed physically, emotionally, and psychically, I find it helpful to cast about in all directions looking to what goes ‘haywire’ in the brain when one is in the grip of these instincts. Because that is the way I experience the instincts: something so ‘mad’ when one is in its’ grips, something so totally destructive and insane. I am talking here of course about malice and sorrow, but primarily malice. In the past I would have chalked it up to ‘I am angry’, or ‘I am in a rage’, etc. But now, the feeling is so intense and so sudden. What is different now from in the past is that I have closed off or given up my usual escape routes of belief, trust, and faith. During the last experience with what we label malice, I wrote the following in my journal:

‘...somewhat different for me, is that I am totally alone. There is nobody to understand, nobody to help, nobody to tell me what to do. This was a startling realization. I realized that I wanted to pray for deliverance, but could not. I could find nothing to believe in but myself and my own ability to withstand the storm. This is the part where it is said that it takes nerves of steel. I pictured myself deep sea diving, going down to the bottom of the ocean and swimming around in this cavern of dark instinctual passions that were being revealed in me. I fancied picking up stones or upturning corals and looking underneath them to see what was down there but I could not find anything. I felt so desperate, so anxious to get away from this feeling. I wondered where this feeling came from – it seemed so alien to me, so strange and out of place to me, so out of proportion to the eliciting situation. I wondered what terrible things my ancestors did – such passion is so destructive, so lethal, I could easily imagine slaying any number of people with such feelings. But, above it all, the feeling that nobody is there – nobody to help, nobody to understand, I am all on my own, was the most terrible part of it.’

The feeling of total desperation, of complete helplessness, of being in the grip of something dark and sinister, is one of my most prominent experiences of the instinctual passion of malice at this point in time. I am referring to the ‘emotional black-hole’ type experiences where the instinct just overrides everything else and overpowers. On the other hand, I found that there is a point at which judgement, discernment, and intelligence is able to be used. For instance, I applied your ‘silly or sensible’ test to the feelings that I described above, and after awhile of letting the feelings run whole hog or the full gamut, decided that it was silly to be wallowing in it all and decided to break it off and get back to communicating with my partner and getting on with the business of living. Additionally, by frequently running the question ‘How am I experiencing the present moment of being alive’, I am able to identify the other instincts and derivatives of instincts in action. For instance, now if I am feeling anything, I am able, with some reflection on the matter, to identify what instinct is in operation. What is startling is how often I am feeling something about what is going on. When there are times I am not feeling , I believe it is a mini-PCE. At those times, perception is very clear, all is very calm and tranquil, and there is an incredible happiness, but not elation. I find that these periods don’t last very long before something, perhaps the car up ahead, pulls me out of it. Gary to Peter

I spoke to No. 7 just awhile ago about a recent experience with fear. There is no need to really go into all of it right now, but in light of what you wrote, the advice to ‘keep your hands in your pockets’ is sensible. I do regret acting unwisely in the situation. I did become somewhat aggressive. I recall the supervisor saying that I was ‘defensive’.

‘I’ have a tendency to blow things up out of all proportion when I have these emotional reactions and it is extremely difficult if not impossible to see my actions clearly. In any event, ‘I’ wanted to run, bolt, or go on the attack. I get like a cornered animal in these situations and it is clearly a matter of the familiar fight-or-flight, adrenalin pumping instinctual reaction.

I take it that, for you, the storms of atavistic fears have subsided, if not left the scene entirely. My question at this point is: what can one do when one is experiencing these instinctual reactions? One’s natural inclination is to flee from the whole thing, or (in the case of aggression) attack the source of the disturbance, an equally destructive reaction.

What is one to do? I mean, I sit in it, looking at it from all possible angles. Of course, it is extremely disturbing when it is happening. I also see the release from the fear, as evidenced by my next day excellent experience, to be an indication that I was doing something right, I’m just not sure what to be exact. So, how does one dig into the savage instincts and really ‘plumb the Stygian depths’? I don’t want to back off of the fear and aggression when it comes up but I am not sure how much of it I can handle – there must be a point where it is perhaps wise to leave it alone and come back to it at a later time. Maybe you can’t really say for sure and that this is where one is on one’s own, there being no way that another such as yourself can really tell one what to do.

Just some questions and some thoughts about the real work that takes place in investigating the instincts. I would be pleased if you would respond. Gary to Peter

I’m patting Peter. Just to explain what was going on: I was experiencing for several days (this is now, oh, about two weeks ago) a rather intense fear and dread the likes of which I have not had for quite some time. It all seemed to be centered around work and somehow tied into the supervisor incident. A couple of times I awoke in the morning with my mind racing, experiencing considerable anger and resentment (also related to the fear) and also a palpable sense of foreboding that something terrible was going to happen to me (loss of my job, loss of my relationship, insanity and being locked up were some of the specific fears I had). I was helped considerably by my reading, at the time, of the writings about fear on the Actual Freedom website and some of Richard’s correspondence. I gradually began to piece together what was happening to me and to see what a radical step I had taken to begin to undo this social and instinctual programming. The fear diminished greatly in the course of one day and I had a PCE which lasted about 30 minutes which was a very beautiful experience. I was interested to experiment a little and see if I could go a little further with the experience, go a little deeper as it were, but no sooner did ‘I’ resolve to go further into it than I had the sense of wanting to back off of it and retreat back from it. So there is this back and forth process going on with me, on the one hand of wanting to go further towards self-immolation, and on the other hand of wanting to retreat back to the safe and familiar, well-worn, trodden paths of Humanity. It was a curious experience: the fleetingness of the PCE, how quickly it is gone, and ‘I’ return. As soon as ‘I’ thought ‘I’ was going to do something with the experience, it was gone.

I am finding it helpful, as was pointed out in Richard’s writing on Fear, to see that ‘I’ am fear, that actually there is no separation between ‘me’ and fear, fear and ‘me’ are one and the same. Gary to Peter

Just an equally quick comment on your comments on fear. You wrote:

There are only a couple of things that I can think to add to what you have written here.

Where you have said ‘I have noticed that I’m much more alive and energized’, I definitely would agree, as that has been my experience all along. Emotions certainly can have a dulling effect, and many times I have been ‘comfortably numb’, which is not what actualism is about. Alternatively, emotions are intoxicating.

However, I think once I was able to see and experience clearly my inveterate resentment to being here in the world and living in the present moment, carefully nurtured and reinforced through years of spiritual indoctrination stretching back to childhood years, I experienced an enormous burst of energy – not hyperkinetic, frantic type of energy but a vitality and an aliveness that is rooted to the spot. This ‘alive and energized’ experience is quite apart from the dull, grey days that characterized my spiritual years, as well as the heights of euphoric passion and grandiose feelings that often accompanied Altered States of Consciousness.

But one thing that I will add which I have found enormously helpful from the other participants of this list is the advice not to personalize too much one’s basic emotions, essentially by realizing that these are the self-same instincts, passions and emotions which since time immemorial have prevented humans from experiencing the magical-ness, clarity and pristine-ness of the actual world, not to mention living in peace and harmony with one another. The fear which you have written about and expressed in your post I can personally relate to, of course, by virtue of being a human being endowed with the genetically encoded primitive instincts. But when probing into a particular aspect of the Human Condition or when investigating a feeling or feelings, it has been important for me to remind myself that what I am experiencing is universal to the Human Condition.

It has been advised on this List as well as in the other writings on Actual Freedom to say to oneself instead of ‘I am feeling fearful’...the following statement: ‘This is human fear’. I think this is particularly important with the emotion of fear given its extremely aversive qualities. But it is equally important with other emotions when they are onboard to say instead of ‘I am feeling sad (lonely, grieving, envious, etc)’ to say ‘This is human sadness (loneliness, grief, envy, etc)’. The other thing that has happened as a result of doing this is a growing recognition that by self-immolating I am altruistically sacrificing my precious ‘self’ not only for my sake but for the sake of all my fellow humans. Additionally, by remembering that the instincts are shared in common among human beings I do not unduly fixate on ‘my’ miserable plight, thereby closing off useful avenues of self-inquiry, but at the same time I gain an experiential understanding of how the whole instinctual package binds me invisibly to the ‘psychic web’ with other human beings. Then I am reminded precisely of why I undertook to do this, despite the difficulties. Gary to No 49

The current world crisis is tremendously fertile ground for one’s own ‘self’-investigations, I agree. One sees the Human Condition is action in the most extravagant ways possible. One sees full-fledged savagery in action and one can, unless one is completely self-immolated, feel the tug of these emotions and feelings in one’s own heart. Yet whilst practicing actualism, I have found that my emotional life is curiously attenuated. The only discernible emotional reaction, and I am not even sure that it was an emotional reaction, to the news of the World Trade Centre collapse was that the hairs on the back of my neck stood up for a few seconds. I have felt none of the horror, shock, resentment, desire for revenge and retaliation. Surprise yes.

There has been a recognition of the fear too that is sweeping humanity at present time as the hostilities are about to commence. It is fear that binds ‘me’ to humanity, indeed, that makes ‘me’ a human being, and it is fear, along with the other savage passions and tender passions that is making life on this otherwise fair planet a living hell. But it seems that everybody else has gone off in the wrong direction looking for a completely wrong reason for the mess that humanity is in.

Meanwhile, life from here has not changed in any significant respect. There is no fear in the lovely fall foliage, nor in the lovely sun-dappled and dew-dropped grass on the lawn. There is no fear in the hills that surround us, nor in the cool breeze that gently caresses my cheeks as I make my way yet again to the car for the ride to get breakfast this morning. The hills will still be here after ‘I’ am gone. As ‘I’ am doomed to extinction anyway, why not make the best of it right now? Gary to Peter

Interesting you should say ‘I fell back into creating bonds – and problems – with people...’ For quite some time, I have been deliberately not forming bonds, not seeking support or comfort from the herd in order not to feel so lost and lonely. This is one of the things that seems so dangerous, yet it is precisely the kind of action which leads to an expansive, penetrating sense of freedom, and a simple delight in being here. Perhaps the danger is only imaginary: ‘I’ imagine all kinds of dreadful, baleful results from my going it alone. I know that one of my fears has been a complete mental collapse with complete madness as the result. I wonder if that is a common fear that people have as they get involved in actualism. Perhaps it is stronger in me based on some early childhood experiences with madness and insanity. Again, the childhood memories that, in part, make up ‘me’ hit the alarm warning button when I get too far away from people and ‘creating bonds’. Gary to Vineeto

Still in all, I must say that I have found some of the points raised by the protestors to be worthy of examination. For example, they have accused actualists of having a ‘point of view’, having traded one belief system for another. This is something that I have wondered about myself. Rather than levelling it as an accusation, however, I think it is an interesting question. Approaching actualism, I think one may fall into the trap of adopting it as a belief system, and it is not a belief system. I think we have talked of this before. Another accusation levelled by the protestors has been that Actual Freedom is a cult. I do not think there is anything wrong with examining whether there is any cult-like basis to what goes on, on this list. Personally, I have looked at the question from all angles, and I do not think there is a shred of evidence of any cult-like phenomenon going on here. It is when accusations are levelled such as ‘actualists are like Milosevic’ that things really seem to get out of control. That assertion is preposterous and shows how desperate the protestors are. Yet within that assertion are contained some commonplace fears and objections of people to actualism – for instance, if feelings, emotions, and passions are eliminated in toto, then one fears that one will become a psychopath, devoid of any human emotion and capable of butchery without guilt or remorse. It is the fear of irrevocable change that prevents one from going further and finding out the fact of the matter. Gary to Peter

Strange and tumultuous times for me in the past couple of weeks. After an extended time of virtual freedom, carefree and happy, I am now negotiating a somewhat treacherous and rocky section of this road to actuality. This new can of worms to look at was precipitated as the result of beauty raising its seductive head – and, of course, hot on its heels came love, possessiveness (lot of s’s), every form of sleazy manipulation one can think of, all the right moves, etc., etc. ad nauseam. This ambience was around me for about 4 days before it just gave up. 4 days’ worth surprised me but, a good reminder of what is ‘actually’ important to me, and delightful to experience no impetus at all for action upon a cunning entity’s pathetic posturing.

Directly following this time of observation has followed the most intense ‘attacks’ of fear and dread that I have experienced ever. Constant cold sweats, sleepless nights and frequent adrenaline rushes with an alarming, primal, fear of death flavour to it. It is very powerful but seems quite general like a bottom line survival instinct without definable characteristics. During these strange and varied experiences there have been some very strong rushes of energy through my body that have taken my breath away. Scary and fascinating –‘now surfing, on a tidal wave of fear’.

Hello Richard, and thanks for your detailed comments on my recent post. I have read up on quite a bit of the neuro-science information on the web, and it has been most helpful for me to get a more physical/biological viewpoint of what is happening in the brain as we experience our lives. As I re-read that post it surprised me that I had written that I could not see how to deal with the instincts when it is plain to see that anytime I am looking at fear, anger, love, power that these are instinctually driven. To be more clear, the instinct that I find baffling is the one that I refer to above – the one that is left after all others have gone. I have been led down the path to that fear of death on occasion as a result of having a so-called ‘life threatening’ illness, hence my interest and its poignancy. What I got most clearly from your comments, Richard, and what has been ‘brought home’ for me through my last week’s experience of intense fear is, that as this ‘process’ continues, it has less and less to do with ‘me’ or anything ‘I’ can ‘do’ and more to do with this growing sense of naiveté that I feel, and that pure intent which is not really ‘of me’, is the ‘tool’ for the job. I was a surfer for 25 yrs and I find the good thing about ‘now surfing’ is that the surf is always ‘up’.

It is a wonder to be here. Mark

It has been another intense week for moi. Had my regular cancer check operation on Monday, still active, 2 tiny tumours removed. So it has been a very painful week physically, a couple of very down days (even the rain ‘got’ to me once), no attentiveness and no concentration. Cheered up considerably today (Friday) with the abating of the physical discomfort. Below is an indication of my thoughts this week.

Instincts now seem to be the territory in which ‘I’ dwell. Prancing on instinctual ponies called fear and aggression and nurture and desire. Now on fear – fear for ‘my’ very survival, now riding on aggression – to face the fear, now riding on desire – desire for harmless happiness, now on nurture – self sacrifice for the good of all. So, ‘who’ am ‘I’ now – what is it that is left to ride these ponies and what is it that holds ‘me’ here prowling in the rarefied atmosphere of the ‘world’ of the instincts? In terms of the instincts as allies as said somewhat figuratively above, fear is the poignant one – seems to be the foundation stone. I have the thought that in the end one stands in the face of this the strongest of the instincts (and in the only place left to stand) until what ... the cows come home ... is one simply ‘scared to death’ ... ‘til the amygdala circuitry blows a fuse.

My point here is that I don’t really know what it is like to face the final boogie man with a full willingness to ‘be with it’ for long enough. ‘I’ still ultimately look for an escape from the fear rather than stand toe to toe – so to speak – and for the full duration of whatever must occur for ‘my’ final dissolution to take place. But ... not to worry because there seems to be opportunities galore to practice.

I just reread Richard’s account of a glimpse of actual freedom and ‘his’ final disappearance into the permanent state of actual freedom and the accompanying states of fear. Is it that I must ultimately accept so fully in the end that who ‘I’ am is fear – must ‘I’, in the end ‘identify?!’ with this fear so fully that ‘I’ as an observer or controller in any way ‘exit’ the ‘real’ world, finally through fear, the primal ‘stuff ‘of which the self is made? Because any ‘me’ that is left now to manage these intense states of instinctual fear, any ‘me’ who desires to watch, escape, manipulate, alleviate this essential fear is that pesky little self again, doing tricks to keep saving its ectoplasmic butt. Ah well, next stop on this train of thought may be the twilight zone – so I think I’ll leave it at that. Mark

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