Others ~ Selected Correspondence

Excellence Experience

I am having very nice experiences lately. Last weekend I went hunting in the frozen woods. After sitting there freezing for an hour or so, I got up and was stalking around slowly. I was in a spruce grove, gradually descending a slight hill. The mid-morning sun was shining directly down, gently backlighting all the tree branches. It was lightly snowing and the slight wind was driving the sparse snowflakes hither and thither. I stopped completely and just stood and looked at the flakes, dancing in the air. It was a wonderfully magical moment. A vast freedom opened up for me, a great joy in being alive. I became exquisitely aware of the breaths I was taking, the movement in my limbs, each and every sound in the hushed woods. There is a thrill in the realization that every moment of being alive can be like this ... when ‘I’ am no more.

This makes a good deal of sense. ‘I’ want to claim these experiences as ‘mine’, to my greater glory and self-aggrandizement. I have become aware of that starry-eyed, slightly dopey look of the Altered State of Consciousness, you know, that ga-ga expression on the face, when having an excellence experience, that signals that one is off track. I don’t know if describing it this way is accurate. One is then in danger of lapsing into Love Agape and Divine Compassion. I have not tried the technique of taking notes during a PCE. My description of the magical dancing snowflakes experience is the first I have written of this. I shall have to try this in the future and see what happens.

Hmm ... that’s interesting. I never thought to consider that these PCEs leave no emotional memory, but of course not.

Come to think of it, there was a lot of hard work and effort behind the ‘magical dancing snowflakes’ experience. Apparently it doesn’t come any other way. Gary to Peter

I don’t know if it is a PCE, but I have certainly been feeling very, very happy lately.

Yesterday I had a dentist’s appointment. I was sitting in the chair, just grinning and beaming at the dentist when he walked in and he asked me, rather glumly I thought, ‘What are you laughing about?’ I responded mirthfully that I was just feeling happy and, after all, there was no law against that that I was aware of. He then warmed up a bit.

It may not be a PCE but it certainly is an excellence experience, this mirth, gaiety, cheerfulness, friendliness, etc. The complete absence of malice at those moments.

I had a strange experience today. It seems like a number of the clients I serve complained to my Supervisor that they do not ‘like’ me. One of the complaints is that I do not show any compassion or feelings (funny, as I do not believe in Compassion and I see feelings as a gross liability). In any event, it was suggested that I could not go on in a ‘Business as Usual’ mode today, and it was suggested that I take the day off with pay (delighted of course). I am wondering naturally what is to become of all of this, ie. whether I am to be tarred and feathered and driven out of town, asked to resign, laid off, etc. And I have been wondering if I just want to cut my losses and get another job. But this is actually a splendid opportunity to lay on the line what I have been learning in actualism and ‘face the music’ so to speak and listen to what people have to say about ‘me’ (only a ‘me’ could get defensive right?). Why should I turn tail and run?

Interestingly, none of the people who levelled these charges at me wish to speak to me about it. It’s so much easier to complain to someone else about it. And the hypocrisy of it all is that they were just lecturing one another about the destructiveness of gossip. I am actually feeling kind of curiously detached from my feelings about the whole thing. I was aware of some feelings coming up about it but not a whole lot. It feels like the emotions are running out of steam now. And I am certainly not going to let this get me down. Perhaps more later when I get a better sense of which way the wind is blowing in this situation... Gary to Peter

Just a personal note on this here: I have noticed some very rare times when I am so incredibly comfortable dealing, say, with my boss, that there is no fear or aggression involved whatsoever. These moments, which must either be during PCEs or near-PCE experiences, are in such striking contrast to the other fitful, fearful, ‘walking on eggshells’ feelings that I usually get when dealing with authority figures, that I have wondered what is happening when they occur. Like I said, it does not occur very often, but when it does it is in such striking contrast to what usually happens in day-to-day interaction that I am utterly fascinated about how to make it happen again and again. Yet notice the paradox in this statement:

I want it to happen, but it only happens when ‘I’, the resentful, fearful, respectful, obliging, well-behaved entity, am not. Nevertheless, it is an exciting and fascinating business. There is an autonomy, which is marked by a complete absence of fear and aggression. There is a freedom from the entire human emotional-instinctual package, and the really exciting thing is that one can experience this for themselves, as in these excellence and PCE experiences, before the ‘main event’ of self-immolation, if or whether it is to occur.

OK. I think I see the difference between autonomy and assertiveness a little better since we have had this exchange. Perhaps I should mention now that I have become very interested in knowing what causes pain – I mean emotional pain. Conversely, it is an interesting question what causes emotional feel-good feelings. Gary to Peter

Yes, particularly since on my part there has been some confusion on account of the terminology, some lack of clarity about the difference between the so-called peak experience and the PCE and, now, what is described as an excellence experience, it is good that you are are not lending affirmance in order to establish the validity of these conditions. One needs to ‘see for themselves’ what is up by comparing the experience with what is written and by talking to others.

Yes, with the PCE as one’s teacher, one has the very finest there is, an experience in which nothing is lacking and nothing can be added. It is already always here, awaiting discovery by those rudely bold enough to leave the Tried and True teachings of religion, ethicality, and morality behind. As I understand these things, in the PCE there is the danger of an incipient ‘I’ stepping in and claiming the credit for the experience. ‘I’ want the experience to last, ‘I’ am sad to see it dimmer and fade away, hence, ‘I’ take centre stage and send the experience packing. What is it about the PCE that holds the ‘me’ in abeyance? Is it correct to say that ‘I’ am in abeyance during the PCE? Or is it more accurate to say that ‘I’ have vacated the scene completely and totally? What causes ‘me’ to return?

In hindsight, the description of the PCE fits the bill, with the magical, fairy-tale like quality. The excellence experience may be more common to me lately that I hitherto thought. In the excellence experience, there is a commonness to it not found in the PCE.

In the PCE, there is a clear sense that something of momentous importance is happening, at least it seemed that way for me. The excellence experience, if not labelled such, might seem to be an experience of exceptional clarity and lucidity. With the PCE, words like bounteousness, bursting, pouring forth, vibrant, clear, alive, animate, come to mind. One of the things that was most striking about it was how uncommon everything appeared, how rich and variegated everything was.

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As I understand these things, in the PCE there is the danger of an incipient ‘I’ stepping in and claiming the credit for the experience. ‘I’ want the experience to last, ‘I’ am sad to see it dimmer and fade away, hence, ‘I’ take centre stage and send the experience packing.

Then this is the danger of the PCE turning into the Altered State of Consciousness? This ‘aggrandizing the experience’ must be extremely subtle then? What I understand to happen when this occurs is something like the following: the PCE is such a dramatic change from ‘normal’, everyday reality, that when it occurs, one loses all anchorage to the familiar, the cherished, with the resultant fear that one is ‘losing one’s marbles’, going insane. While it is a highly peaceful, pleasurable state, there also lurks the fear of the incipient ‘me’ that is on the verge of destruction, extinction. This ‘me’ steps in and becomes ‘Me’, with his or her divine mission to carry the message, and this occurs because this is how all the gurus and God-men/women down through history have interpreted the experience.

I am reminded of the experiences of Jacob Boehme, a 17th century Christian mystic, whose writings I formerly had an interest in, chiefly because he represented the Western stream of mysticism and I could relate to that more than the teachings of the East. It appears that what happened to him is an illustration of this process whereby the ‘me’ becomes the ‘Me’. I include it as an example of the process:

‘This resident of Goerlitz, Germany, was a member of the cobblers union, married a butcher’s daughter, and fathered several children. After selling his shoemaking shop, he opened a yarn store. According to Alexandre Koyre, ‘In 1619 and 1620 we see him in Prague dealing in woolen gloves, which he buys from the peasants of the Lusace region to resell at the market.’ His enemy, Gregor Richter, the leading pastor of Goerlitz, accused him of being a dangerous heretic, and Boehme was persecuted and even jailed for a short time. And a few days after his death, the citizens of Goerlitz shattered and vandalized the cross on his tombstone. But nonetheless Boehme died a quiet death, in his own bed, after a relatively commonplace illness.’

‘The mystery of Boehme is found elsewhere: in his experiences of ‘illumination.’ At the age of twenty-five, he had a revelation that was the basis for all his subsequent work: while gazing at the brightness of a pewter vase, he felt himself suddenly engulfed by an extraordinary flow of information about the hidden nature of things. This data was incomprehensible to him at first, and he waited twelve years to understand what had been ‘given’ to him in that unforgettable moment. In our day, a person undergoing such an experience would immediately found a group of disciples and start giving lectures and writing best sellers. But Boehme waited twelve years, in almost total silence, in order to analyse, decipher, and explain what he had ‘seen’ in that moment of grace. Out of this gestation came the magnificent and unique work, The Aurora.’ (Science, Meaning, & Evolution: The Cosmology of Jacob Boehme by Basarab Nicolescu, 1991)

It is interesting how automatically such experiences of exceptional clarity and flow of information are treated as ‘revelations’, in the theological sense of the word. This seems to be what happened to Boehme, whether it started out as a PCE or as an ASC, is not entirely clear. And it really doesn’t matter much for all that. But when the ‘me’ steps in and claims a Godly ‘grace’ or singles oneself out as being the special recipient of favour by a benevolent God or Goddess, then the process of ‘me’ becoming ‘Me’ is ensured. This seems to be what has happened to people throughout the ages. The question at this point is, since this process must be so subtle, so insidious, and probably universal, what is one to watch out for? In other words, how does one keep from being seduced by the lure of Self, the lure of ‘Enlightenment’? Gary to Richard

This is very much true. The experiential exploration and investigation of feelings and emotions, backed as they are often by the instinctual passions, really does work. It is amazing how often this very thing leads to very clear experiencing of the actual world, as in the PCE. And the difference for me now, compared with my past forays in ‘self’-investigation, is that the level of investigation has intensified to cover those deeply entrenched aspects of the social identity backed up by the instincts, those aspects that are impervious to investigation if they are examined merely as the products of thought. The intent is to dismantle a sense of ‘self’ that is hiding the very purity and perfection of this physical universe, not preserve and reinforce the sense of being a separate self, with one’s cares and woes. That this method works is quite evident from the experiences that I am having, both rewarding, as in the PCE or so-named excellence experience, and by the level of angst or dread that is correspondingly uncovered when one dons the deep sea diving tanks and dives right into it. The level of clarity and joy experienced seems to be in direct proportion to the depth that one goes into it – the deeper one goes into dismantling the social identity and uncovering the instinctual basis of the artificial identity, the more clear and pristine the actual world is that rises to greet one when one returns. Or, rather, I mean to say that the actual world always exists in clarity and perfection but the scales have been removed from one’s eyes when one does this work and leaves the self behind. But it is not without its risks, and I have still thought, at times, when the going gets rough, that I am crazy to be proceeding along this path. Over the weekend, I had thought that I was over the worst of my fears related to the work situation, but some resentment popped up as I mulled over and over a statement my supervisor had made to me. Then, I had to volunteer for the company at a local festival. I experienced intense anxiety as I pulled up in my car. I had to sit in my car and ride out the waves of anxiety for awhile. Writing a bit about it helped and, eventually, the fear dissipated as I told myself it was nothing, that the fear although real is not the actual. I have not had such anxiety in a long, long time. Once the fear dissipated, I had quite an enjoyable time volunteering and had a wonderful day for the rest of the time. Gary to Vineeto

I used to get a bit confused by actualist’s descriptions of ‘feeling good’, ‘feeling fine’, and ‘feeling excellent’, and tried to differentiate how this contrasted with other feeling and emotional states because after all ‘feelings are feelings’. I still cannot determine if the feeling-good part of the so-called excellence experience or PCE is a feeling or a sensation. My memory of PCEs I have had is that there is certain exhilaration associated with it. Not a manic type high at all, or even a drug-like euphoria, but there certainly is an exhilarating, ever-fresh, yes, vividness is a good word, and there is an exceptional clarity to it all which is the chief difference so far as I am concerned. The PCE is characterized by an incredible clarity of perception and sensation. The most ordinary and mundane objects are fascinating in their own right and everything is imbued with a clarity and liveliness that is missing in the ordinary ‘normal’ state. So the experience itself must be one chiefly of sensuousness and not emotion. Nevertheless one can speak of ‘feeling excellent’ as the word ‘feeling’ can also refer to the faculty of sensation. I’ve probably taken something here and over-complicated it all, but I thought I would mention it. When both bad and good feelings disappear, something so exceptional happens that everything else pales by comparison. The realization that ‘I’ am the only thing standing in the way of this magical perfection and purity turns what is initially an interest into a full-time obsession to experience the best that life on this planet can offer. Gary to Vineeto

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