|
Others ~ Selected Correspondence Doubt
I felt quite a bit of doubt this morning, after reading No 8’s posts and Richard’s responses. I wondered where the truth of the matter lay. I know that I have had doubts in the back of my mind about this actualism thing, and some of the things No 8 wrote triggered these things to resurface. Am I doing the right thing? Am I getting into some sort of cult, and how would I know if I was? Is there a ‘priesthood’? And then the business about Internet aliases and people being on the K-list and here they are on the Actual Freedom list, but who am I talking to? On the other hand, I have been feeling incredibly good about life lately. I have had a peace of mind that is unlike anything that I have had in a long time. I have had what I think are near-PCEs, but not the main event. But I am optimistic that I will experience the real thing, perhaps sometime soon. So, in contrast to the doubts, I have been feeling that actualism as a method is really paying some handsome dividends to me, in terms of increased feelings of well-being, easier interactions with others, and moments of crystal clear sight of the physical, actual world and the things around me. I have also been reading stuff off the websites, for instance, Peter’s journal and Richard’s writings. What Richard writes has always made a great deal of sense to me, which is why I continue to read him. I feel I can learn a great deal from him, even if he seems light years ahead of where I find myself. Peter, on the other hand, seems more, umm ..., ‘down to earth’, more ‘human’ to me, and I am thankful that he has left his experiences in the form of his journal. I did quite a bit of foot work, going to the bank and getting a draft in Australian money to purchase the paper copy of Richard’s Journal, and I am eagerly awaiting it. So there it is. I thought that putting this confusion into words might help me to make some sense of it. Perhaps others might relate to this. Of course, I would be open to any comments anyone might want to make. Thanks. Gary
Are you sure you want another opinion about if Richard’s actualism is a cult? Something typical in a cult is an incapacity to really listen to other opinions and doubts. Are you merely simulating you doubt about AF, as a game to in real reinforce your adherence to AF? Can you sincerely allow you to doubt about the excellences of AF? In this case you at lest are out of this possible cult. If the ‘incapacity to really listen to other opinions and doubts’ is sole evidence of a cult, than I suppose that just about everyone at one time or another would be described as a member of a cult. That includes members of the Republican party, members of the Democratic party, the Labour party, School Board members, etc. I am not listing these assemblages to be cute, but to merely point out that many people in many contexts show the incapacity to listen to other’s opinions and doubts. Also, most parents of teenage children probably fit that description. There are other key salient aspects of cults, a whole listing of them. If you are interested in finding out what these are, you can do a simple Internet search and come up with them. What I am trying to say is that it is not correct to take one aspect, such as you have done, and infer the presence of a cult from that, rather they must be taken together. I wonder, however, if you are making a statement...that in your time on the list you have personally found that others on the list show an incapacity to really listen? As for your question if I am merely simulating doubts about AF, as if playing a game to really reinforce my adherence to AF... I can assure you that I have had doubts aplenty about Actual Freedom. My use of the question ‘How am I experiencing this present moment of being alive’ leading to the dismantling of the social identity and the experiencing of the underlying raw instinctual passions has, naturally, been accompanied by the gravest doubts at times ... perhaps I have not conveyed this in my many posts to the list. There have been questions such as ‘What am I doing ... am I crazy?’ and other like questions. I have questioned my sanity at times, my loyalty, and my allegiance to worn out ideals and beliefs, questioning the very basis of my identity. Of course, there is really no way for you to know if I am merely ‘simulating’ any doubts about AF. As for your last question, can I ‘sincerely allow’ myself to doubt the excellences of AF...I can only answer that the sincere investigation of what is on offer as far as Actual Freedom is concerned, which I have undertaken, has been occasioned by many, many doubts along the way. But if you find is impossible to you sincerely, lonely, doubt and discrep about what others limitedly say, then you are a follower, and this is very comprehensible. If you guard maxims of no matter who, even maxims of your own, then you, or I, are followers, and at some point fanatics. I have no doubt that I would be considered a fanatic by many in some respects. I am fanatical in my relentless examination of ideals, beliefs, truisms, the Truth by various descriptions, social customs, social mores, and many, many more things which previously I accepted on face value with nary a question as to why things were this way. I don’t think I agree with you about the lonely part of what you are saying. One does not have to be alone and lonely in their questioning of life and what it means to be a human being, living in this world at this present time. One can have many companions, co-investigators and co-examiners as it were, in this endeavour. This is, in large part, I think, why this list was set up in the first place. Gary to No 43
I know this kind of doubt that you describe very well and often had to wade through my own doubts of ‘am I doing the right thing’ when I entered into the totally new adventure of Actual Freedom, thus eventually leaving all of Humanity’s ineffective Wisdom behind. The other challenging factor of Actual Freedom is that, when one talks to others about the palpable success of this enterprise, it always triggers the ‘tall poppy syndrome’ in others and one can’t avoid running the gauntlet of – a usually scornful and revengeful – peer review. One of the things that has become clear to me recently since going into these doubts that I was having is the extent to which belief has been the problem. Somewhere in Richard’s correspondence (I could not find exactly where this morning) he talks about doubt as indicating the presence of belief, and that hit me hard. You also said in another place in the archive about belief being the problem. It appears that I was trying to replace the old beliefs with some new ones, turning actualism into a belief system, and turning the people on this list into gurus and heroes to replace the old ones. This process is so subtle as to take one quite unawares. One’s need to believe is so seductive. This ‘I’, this lonely, frightened ‘me’ wants to turn others into protective parent figures to be believed and venerated. I think I am seeing this more clearly now. One of the things that has come out of this is that I have chucked Krishnamurti – I finally unsubscribed from the listening-l mailing list. Conversations there were going around and around in endless circles, leading nowhere. I can see now that I turned Krishnamurti into a guru and priest. He became my hero and I became a devoted follower. I have muddled around in so-called choiceless awareness for long enough. It is a morass in which nothing changes while one is waiting for the so-called Timeless moment, the moment beyond time, beyond thought. So, what has come out of this experience for me is an appreciation of how deeply entrenched beliefs are and how usually unaware we are of their hold on us. I see this process over and over in my life – taking up with various sects, thinking that I have found The Way, becoming disillusioned, breaking away, finding new heroes to replace the old. It is all so predictable. The problem is twofold: on the one hand believing itself is a problem (something you pointed out), as it is not the actual, and on the other hand, what is believed in, the ‘Tried and Failed’ teachings that lead one around like a dog chasing its’ tail. The need for belief itself appears to stem from the malicious and sorrowful self, the alien entity inhabiting this body, the lonely and frightened ‘me’ that is seeking immortality, an ego desiring to become an immortal soul. It is thrilling to be chucking these spiritual beliefs and values and teachings. I am feeling free of so much that was weighing me down. I am being watchful for what ‘I’ am going to be up to next – realizing that I can get sucked into the trap of belief as easily as the next person. There is also underlying this a fear, now that I am abandoning ship, casting myself overboard, so to speak. I feel like a ship adrift without a rudder, without the controls of faith, hope, belief. There is also the conditioned fear or dread of some kind of divine punishment, as I am turning away from religion and spiritual teaching. However, I am not angry at religion or the God-men, and I am not angry at myself for believing them. I am, rather, incredulous at my own gullibility, my own susceptibility to the influence of others. The goods that they had to offer me – immortality, Truth, Timelessness – no longer tantalize. It’s an interesting trip! Gary to Vineeto
...but there was always a remnant of this nagging feeling that I was too dumb or cowardly to go all the way, that I was missing some vital clue, that I was doing something wrong or not enough. Yes, I can relate to that. I think I am going through something like that right now. I don’t think of myself as dumb but I see myself as being fearful of letting go. I am also greatly reluctant to talk to anyone of these experiences save you people on this list, lest I encounter what you call the ‘tall poppy syndrome’. I generally keep things to myself. I have talked a little bit with my partner about some of these things but I think she is, for the most part, baffled by what I am telling her, so I don’t go into it too much. Also, in the past, I relate to what Peter talked about in his journal: relating his experiences to you in a forceful manner, expecting to influence you or perhaps proselytizing, and I don’t want to do this to my partner. But to get back to the bit about doubts and fear, I have had some stunningly happy times lately with some experiences that, although they do not probably qualify as PCEs, definitely seem to be of the peak experience variety. This morning, for instance, I was happy and, to use a word, elated, on the way to work. But I noted that this feeling of elation – and I am clearly identifying it as feeling here, and so I am dealing here with an affective experience – quickly turned to one of frustration and anger. So on the basis of what was happening, I must conclude that my feeling of elation, although exhilarating and exciting, is evidence of the incipient ‘I’, the believer, the feeler, who enjoys the adrenaline rush of exhilaration but who boils over into anger when things don’t go his way. This experience set me on my guard to be sure. I also noted tonight a tendency to overeat, over-sex, and a fear of death, a thought of ‘Oh, what if my heart stops...’. So there are fears there. This kind of doubt is nothing but a by-product of ‘self’-belief, believing in my ‘self’. I then understood that ‘me’ doubting myself is the cover-up and, as such, a furphy, keeping the belief in ‘me’ alive, and along with the belief, ‘me’, the believer.’ Yes, again, this is what I am relating to. There is the fear of death, of letting go, of ‘me’ dying, pulling the plug, so to speak. ‘I’ don’t want to die. I also noted, during a period of disturbance a few days ago at work, that I read a portion of Richards’ writing on the subject of what an Actual Freedom is. And I was curiously and powerfully affected when I read a statement of his to the effect that ‘I have no identity whatsoever’. I found myself repeating this sentence over and over to myself. The words had quite a calming effect on me at that point in time. The words, seemingly, blew the wind right out of my sails. And more than just the words, the full implication of what he was saying ... to have no identity whatsoever ... settled into me quite strongly. It must be marvellous not to have an identity, and, I hesitate to say this because I don’t know if this is the correct thing to say, but this is one of the things I desire the most: to be free from any sense of identity whatsoever. But, you see, Gary is scared to death of losing this precious identity and Gary is fighting like hell to stay in the driver seat, white-knuckling the steering wheel, trying to keep the wheels on the road. So, I think in this brief post, I have conveyed what I wanted to say of the fears and doubts that I am encountering. It is refreshing to hear you talk of your own doubts, and there is no doubt (no pun intended) a similarity to be seen. Having this list and these readings is very important to me right now and is occupying a significant portion of my time. Tonight we went out on top a hillside in the mountains. The sky was the most clear, crystal blue, with brilliant streaks of red spanning the sky as the sun was going down, turning the water of the lake a dazzling gold colour, like molten gold. The sky is these northern latitudes is so striking at this time of year. It is great to be alive, and there is nothing like it! Gary to Vineeto
I like what you wrote. I remember having exactly the same attitude. Very early on, after having established a prima-facie case that actualism made sense and was worth a whole-hearted go, I wanted to find out for myself if what Richard was saying was true, as in factual, and whether using the method would work, as in bring about actual change. Spurred on by my early successes I then wanted to write of my experiences, investigations and findings so as to put it on record for others to read and assess for themselves. At the time of writing my Journal I stopped seeing Richard on a regular basis and did a lot of investigating, sorting out, and making sense of the human condition as it manifested as ‘me’. I sometimes have the greatest doubts about what I am undertaking. And why shouldn’t I? Nobody I see, from the evidence around me, has taken it upon themselves to end their instinctual malice and sorrow forever. So occasionally it occurs to me ‘Maybe I am all wrong – maybe I’m way off base’. It occurs to me that I am just going through another of many phases that will end in my complete disillusionment, scrapping the whole thing, and finding something else to chase for awhile – in other words, it will end like all my spiritual searching – in abysmal failure. Gary to Peter
If you are asking how to INDUCE a PCE, how to HAVE a PCE, I would tell you to be happy, harmless and use HAIETMOBA? If you are not happy, ask yourself why not. Use your memory to find out what has very recently happened that made you feel less than happy and harmless. If you absolutely cannot pinpoint anything that caused the change, ask Vineeto or Peter or Richard what to do. This was really, really difficult part for me. It has taken me a lot of time to figure out this simple step. Yes it is very simple now... but it wasn’t so simple before because of many factors, some of which I list below:
Keep it ambiguous... but after I got some hang of the method, I found that digging deeper found the trigger and once I found it, I know it! takes some patience and perseverance and the confidence born out of successes (yes, not ‘faith’ or ‘belief’, but the ‘success’ – I know the difference now because I have done both!). No 33 to No 50 Web page designed by The Actual Freedom Trust |
