RESPONDENT No. 59: I’ve been pondering a good while over your last post and on how and what to respond … after some time it hit me that I haven’t yet the experience to answer most of your questions. However, I am overly experienced in a particular area; in fact, I am far, far more experienced than Peter, Vineeto and (yes) even Richard, on probably your favourite subject: Actualist Calenture.

I think it necessary to outline and expose some of what is entailed in being subject to this most curious event. Of course, and please, feel free to correct and/or expand on my observations if need to.

• What is Actualist Calenture?

A continuous sequence of emotion-backed thoughts which give rise to yet another version of who I am and what I identify with – or who I want to be (or not be) and what I want to identify (or un-identify) with; as in a bunch of ‘my’ ideas, images, feelings and thoughts (influenced by feelings) on what Actualism seems to be all about and living according to them.

When is somebody in danger of acquiring Actualist Calenture?

When one is not scrupulously honest with oneself and has a vested interest, other than being happy and harmless, in regards to pursuing Actualism; or, in other words, no pure intent.

• Why I knew I had come down with the Actualist Calenture?

• I was not happy and harmless; in spite of what I thought, felt, believed and said to the contrary.

• Being happy and harmless was not my priority; I had no clue how these two simple qualities could change my life so, even though I asked my self ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’, I saw no improvement in my behaviour.

• I experienced the feeling of loyalty and gratitude towards Actualists and Actualism; no direct experience meant I had to rely on someone/thing else.

• The feeling of superiority was present and could be found in my day-to-day interaction with others; this only gave rise to more problems than I already had.

• I felt proud of no longer feeling spiritual and hence proud of being/becoming an Actualist – or more correctly said – an image I created about Actualists; it was a rebellious ‘in your face’ or ‘I told you all that you were wrong’ attitude...in no way conductive to a harmless and happy life.

• I still wanted to change others; Actualism was the best belief system I ever had, a belief system nevertheless, so I needed others to reinforce it...a bad idea when others felt the same way about their belief system; the only solution was to stop believing – and this was a tough one-.

• I would emotionally defend my idea and my understanding of Actualism when confronted by others- this naturally ceased when I stopped believing-.

• Sometimes I believed and unnecessarily praised actualism; I wanted approval and to feel that I belonged.

• Sometimes I doubted and unnecessary challenged actualism; I wanted others to do my thinking for me.

• I was living anywhere but here and anytime but now; memories and dreams roamed in my mind, guaranteeing complete avoidance of this place in space and this moment in time.

• I was not having fun with the Actualism method; it became a serious and sombre matter.

• I would parrot Richard’s, Peter’s, Vineeto’s, Gary’s, words and without fully understanding them, justifying myself on the basis that at least they knew what they were talking about.

• How did I put and end to the Actualist Calenture?

Even though it was very difficult to admit that I was only kidding myself, every time I did an ‘ego’ check it was obviously still present and even more sophisticated (no naivety to be found) and identified with my most recently acquired philosophy; and when I did a ‘Soul’ check it would be all blown out of proportion (aka aggrandizement) and identified with my most recently acquired set of emotion-backed thoughts.

I started observing how most of my day was neither spent being happy nor harmless and so I felt cocksure of having enough evidence to claim that Actualism ‘doesn’t work’. I had spent a good deal of time gathering all my truthful facts about Actualism, and its failure to deliver the goods that it promised, but in the end my whole case shattered before me. I had an insight and saw the extent I was going to in order to avoid change … it is so difficult to break from the past.

Since that day I actually started to care to read with both eyes what was being offered by The Actual Freedom ‘promoters’; and I started reading, even the things I had already read several times, in a completely different light … and what a difference it made.

No. 46, something in me still wants you or somebody else – for I was unable – to find an actual contradiction in Actualism, for the past still has a strong hold on me as does the future, but I have already lost faith in that too … not that it can’t happen but it’s just impossible for me to conceive as my understanding becomes more and more experiential. I can’t say I worry too much about it either for I am having so much fun.

Actualism Homepage